guilt trip about sex
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guilt trip about sex
AH & I had a small spat this morning before he left for work. I called a bit ago and he put it out there that he feels like I am not attracted to him anymore. He isnt exactly wrong. I have read several posts on here where posters have lost interest in sex with their partner because they were different because of the drug or because they just didnt feel that any emotion or attraction being felt for them was 'real' and this light bulb went off over my head. For months I couldnt figure out how he really felt. I would feel from him that he was just doing what he was should be OR that he was trying too hard to convince me that he still desired me but it just felt false OR he was trying to distract me with it... hard to put it into words. Remember, my hubby is insisting that he hasnt taken any pills in almost 2 wks and that I have nothing to worry about but I just dont believe him. I just think that he is taking them in secret. What I wouldnt give to be wrong!
I am just wondering how many times your addict had used the 'we never seem to be intimate anymore' guilt trip on you regardless of which one of you (or both) had lost the fire?
I am just wondering how many times your addict had used the 'we never seem to be intimate anymore' guilt trip on you regardless of which one of you (or both) had lost the fire?
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Sexual response is complicated and varied. I am just speaking in generalities here: Men have a tendency to be turned off and on like a faucet, whereas women need to brought to a boil like a pot of water. With that said, sometimes men can easily compartmentalize about the stresses and pressures that are going on in their relationship, whereas women have trouble separating it. A wife can be stressed out and troubled over some aspect of her relationship (or something in life) and it causes her sex drive to be suppressed; a husband can also be stressed about it, but the intimacy is like a stress reliever for him, or just another part of life that should go on, like eating, working, sleeping. For the wife, it's not like she isn't attracted to her partner anymore, it's just that her preoccupation with *whatever problem* inhibits her desire.
Maybe you can find a way to discuss with your husband, that your intimacy and communication have been muddled because of the drugs and it concerns you and makes it difficult to respond the way you did in the past. And you can reassure him that you do miss it, just as you miss and long for every aspect of a sober and healthy life and relationship with him, but it's hard to relax and enjoy when you are so concerned about his drugs, life and health.
Maybe you can find a way to discuss with your husband, that your intimacy and communication have been muddled because of the drugs and it concerns you and makes it difficult to respond the way you did in the past. And you can reassure him that you do miss it, just as you miss and long for every aspect of a sober and healthy life and relationship with him, but it's hard to relax and enjoy when you are so concerned about his drugs, life and health.
Last edited by BohemiMamaof3; 03-25-2009 at 07:10 AM. Reason: clarity
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
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Originally Posted by Suspicious
I am just wondering how many times your addict had used the 'we never seem to be intimate anymore' guilt trip on you regardless of which one of you (or both) had lost the fire?
My H doesn't even use that tactic anymore cause he knows why I choose not to be intimate.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
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Yes, I've had the the intimacy and other things thrown make at me - like HE's upset and concerned about XYZ, so of course now we need to pay attention to the issues (showing he is fully engaged and present in our relationship! LOL), never mind that everytime I have voiced the same XYZ it was blown off, thrown off, deflected, invalidated, ignored, etc.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
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EB is right. Women tend to want to be intimate when they are in a good relationship and some men use intimacy to create a good relationship. He wants sex to make things feel better and you need things to feel better before having sex. We're just very different creatures when it comes to this.
i dont condone married people "holding out" on one another as a manipulation tool but in these extreme situations you need to do what you want. It is your body and your choice on whether or not you share that gift.
i dont condone married people "holding out" on one another as a manipulation tool but in these extreme situations you need to do what you want. It is your body and your choice on whether or not you share that gift.
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I think I need to clarify... I dont hold out... I just dont make extra effort for it. We still have sex. Not as often as we used to but when he says that he feels I dont initiate it because I am not that into it or him he isnt all wrong BUT the reasons I am not that into it is because I get the feeling from him while doing it that he isnt that into it, like he is detached from it and it just feels fake from him. Also I have noticed that he has to work harder for an erection and that it isnt as hard as it used to be and I feel just a bit resentful because he seems to have to put so much dang effort into this. I just feel like he could care less about the sex because I think his sex drive is diminishing because of the vicodins but he is blaming the fact that we have sex less often now on me and saying that it is ALL because I have lost desire for him. He ignores the fact that he has had a change in sex drive and says his drive and desire for me is as strong as ever but that he doesnt feel it being returned from me. The problem with this argument is that he is right I dont feel for him what I used to but I know that my change in feelings is because of what the pills have done to him and changed him. But if I try to express this he goes on to insist that he only took 2-3 per day and he just quit them with no problems. I cant prove it, I am too tired to play detective, I am starting a new career knowing that I have to make it work cuz I will prolly be depending only on myself to support me & the kids and at the moment I am basically paying to work for them since it is commission sales.
I know it sounds like I am just going with the flow but I know that I have to have a safety cushion of funds and income before I can make any move to get out of the situation and in the meantime I try to just keep things smoothed over because if I admit to him that I know (with proof) then I feel I would then have to make a move and I have get all my ducks in a row before I can do that.
I know it sounds like I am just going with the flow but I know that I have to have a safety cushion of funds and income before I can make any move to get out of the situation and in the meantime I try to just keep things smoothed over because if I admit to him that I know (with proof) then I feel I would then have to make a move and I have get all my ducks in a row before I can do that.
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I am married to a High Functioning Alcoholic. Meaning it has never caused financial issues, no abuse, no lying.
However over time any substance abused causes health issues.
I have always had a healthy sex drive. I guess you could say I am wired like a guy to some extent.
The past few years he has problems with getting an erection and yes it is smaller. For the first time in my life I really have started to lose interest.
And when I mention this to him he makes it like its me. Like I don't get him excited. So he would rather lose his ability to have sex then to give up beer.
I think addicts like to be sure that nothing is ever there fault.
To me chosing beer over health and limiting my vice(sex) is not fair.
I hadnt planned on giving that up at 50.
He would say it's cause I talk before. Stopped that.
It's cause I fed him too late. Changed that.
Not to please him, more to shut him up.
If his equipment isnt working due to his addiction, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his choice to use.
However over time any substance abused causes health issues.
I have always had a healthy sex drive. I guess you could say I am wired like a guy to some extent.
The past few years he has problems with getting an erection and yes it is smaller. For the first time in my life I really have started to lose interest.
And when I mention this to him he makes it like its me. Like I don't get him excited. So he would rather lose his ability to have sex then to give up beer.
I think addicts like to be sure that nothing is ever there fault.
To me chosing beer over health and limiting my vice(sex) is not fair.
I hadnt planned on giving that up at 50.
He would say it's cause I talk before. Stopped that.
It's cause I fed him too late. Changed that.
Not to please him, more to shut him up.
If his equipment isnt working due to his addiction, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his choice to use.
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Originally Posted by Lynette57 
If his equipment isnt working due to his addiction, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his choice to use.
I don't know if this applies to addicts so much, but I once heard an MD say that when he reminded men who were borderline diabetics that their sex life and performance can be effected by that disease, it scared them into dieting and exercising so they could to manage it!
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to Winnie12
No, I didnt take it that way. Or at least not in the way that I would be offended. I just meant that while it might have sounded from my first post that we dont have sex anymore and then I went on to say that I have lost desire for him that it might have sounded like we had not had sex in a while. I just wanted to clear up any confusion about not having sex at all versus not having it as often.
No, I didnt take it that way. Or at least not in the way that I would be offended. I just meant that while it might have sounded from my first post that we dont have sex anymore and then I went on to say that I have lost desire for him that it might have sounded like we had not had sex in a while. I just wanted to clear up any confusion about not having sex at all versus not having it as often.
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I guess I'm kinda confused as to why you're asking this question about how common this kind of behavior is with alcoholics...It seems to me like the only important question is whether or not you truly want to be sexual with this person and, related to that, how you feel in general about being sexual with someone who uses sex as a weapon and as a tool to justify his own behavior and/or try to make you responsible for it.
As I see it, nobody, and I mean nobody, has a right to your body unless you choose to give it to that person at that particular time. I don't care how married you might be or how committed to a relationship you might be or how monagamous you might be...sex is a gift, not a friggin' right and if you have sex with someone -- in whatever context -- it needs to be because you want to be sexual with that person, not because you're being badgered into it, or bribed into it, or because you feel you "owe" it to him.
I'll tell you a little story here about what really, truly, in my own experience counts as "cheapness" when it comes to sex. When my partner had her dry drunk relapse (which involved, among other things, a lot of inappropriate on-line behavior) several years ago, it obviously had a negative impact on our sex life. Now, I am not a person who can sanely go without sex for extended periods of time, so one night she comes onto me all revved up and ready to go, and I justified to myself "Well, I want it and she is my partner, so..." even though I knew that she was really only present with me physically and that, most likely, I was "subbing" (and not in the way I like to 'sub'!!) for someone she was fooling around with on-line, I decided to go for it. So, we had sex and then, when she thought I was asleep, she got up and went back to the computer.
Now, I will say in ALL honesty, that that was the dirtiest, cheapest (in the worst possible sense) sex I have ever had in my life and I felt like sh*t afterward...even though it was with my partner in the context of our committed, sexually exclusive relationship. And the reason it was dirty and cheap is because what I did that night was something I've never, ever done any other time in my life: I sold myself out for something way, way less than what I deserve and want in the context of my relationship with my partner.
That will never happen again.
Just because sex happens in the context of a committed relationship or marriage doesn't make it good and healthy. In order for it to be good and healthy, you need to know what you want and what you need in the context of your relationship with him. And then you need to know that, regardless of what he does or doesn't do, there is no good reason for you settle for less.
freya
As I see it, nobody, and I mean nobody, has a right to your body unless you choose to give it to that person at that particular time. I don't care how married you might be or how committed to a relationship you might be or how monagamous you might be...sex is a gift, not a friggin' right and if you have sex with someone -- in whatever context -- it needs to be because you want to be sexual with that person, not because you're being badgered into it, or bribed into it, or because you feel you "owe" it to him.
I'll tell you a little story here about what really, truly, in my own experience counts as "cheapness" when it comes to sex. When my partner had her dry drunk relapse (which involved, among other things, a lot of inappropriate on-line behavior) several years ago, it obviously had a negative impact on our sex life. Now, I am not a person who can sanely go without sex for extended periods of time, so one night she comes onto me all revved up and ready to go, and I justified to myself "Well, I want it and she is my partner, so..." even though I knew that she was really only present with me physically and that, most likely, I was "subbing" (and not in the way I like to 'sub'!!) for someone she was fooling around with on-line, I decided to go for it. So, we had sex and then, when she thought I was asleep, she got up and went back to the computer.
Now, I will say in ALL honesty, that that was the dirtiest, cheapest (in the worst possible sense) sex I have ever had in my life and I felt like sh*t afterward...even though it was with my partner in the context of our committed, sexually exclusive relationship. And the reason it was dirty and cheap is because what I did that night was something I've never, ever done any other time in my life: I sold myself out for something way, way less than what I deserve and want in the context of my relationship with my partner.
That will never happen again.
Just because sex happens in the context of a committed relationship or marriage doesn't make it good and healthy. In order for it to be good and healthy, you need to know what you want and what you need in the context of your relationship with him. And then you need to know that, regardless of what he does or doesn't do, there is no good reason for you settle for less.
freya
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