new- vicodin AH
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
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new- vicodin AH
I am so glad to have found this board. There are many out there for the addicts or recovering addicts but this is the first for friends & family that I have found. Let me introduce myself.
I am mother to 3 boys at home. The youngest is 5 and the only child AH & I have together. This is a 2nd marriage for the both of us. When I met Hubby I finally thought I had found someone that I could grow old with. Nothing like the guys from my bad relationships from before. He was solid as a rock. Hard worker who took pride in providing the best he could. A social drinker only (didnt know those people really existed) that I could go out with and have a really good time knowing that he wasnt going to end up a drunk sloppy mess by the end of the evening. Not into drugs at all. He wasnt a womanizer and I felt confidant that he would never break my heart by cheating on me. Funny thing is, all those things are STILL true. Then he hurt his back a few years ago. He had done it before on a smaller scale but this time really knocked him flat. He has been told that he has sciatica from damage to the nerve down his leg and that it will never get better without surgery. Now, I am not even sure about that. I look back at some evidence of pain med abuse at the beginning of the relationship and I think he might have fought with this a few times and I just didnt realize it. Since I have gotten to the point where I doubt everything he says I wonder if at some time he wasnt told about the old sciatic nerve thing being unable to detect (more or less) and that if he just spouted off the right symptoms they could never say it wasnt real. I say this because he still works like a horse and doing all the physically hard stuff he did before and the only time he mentions how bad he hurts is when he is talking about how he needs the meds.
At the time he is supposed to be off of them but I highly doubt this as well. He says he didnt even go to his dr appt a week or so ago. He could have paid cash tho and known I wouldnt be able to find out. He insists that he was only taking 2 to 3 pills a day even tho I had an opportunity to count his pills a while back and for a few days straight he was taking 6 out a day. When I pointed that out he had an excuse. I know it was BS but it was a plausible one. I know that 6 a day isnt THAT bad but I know that it would have caused more WD symptoms that what I saw not to mention that I am seeing more behavior that shouts pill sneaking to me. Most important I just know it in my gut. So even tho 6 isnt a lot it is enough for him to lie about and to put him on the road of full blown addiction.
Since I have realized what is going on with him I do have a plan it is just one that will take a while to be in a position to do anything. If he gets straight in the meantime great, but I will continue to squirrel away money and just hope that I never have to use it.
My biggest sense of loss in all of this has to be that he really ruined my trust in our life together. More so than all the other losers I had tried to have relationships with before. I know that many people in my place will say they never thought their spouse would ever do this to them I really feel like I got more blindsided than I ever dreamed possible.
Sorry for the length of this... I tend to ramble.
I am mother to 3 boys at home. The youngest is 5 and the only child AH & I have together. This is a 2nd marriage for the both of us. When I met Hubby I finally thought I had found someone that I could grow old with. Nothing like the guys from my bad relationships from before. He was solid as a rock. Hard worker who took pride in providing the best he could. A social drinker only (didnt know those people really existed) that I could go out with and have a really good time knowing that he wasnt going to end up a drunk sloppy mess by the end of the evening. Not into drugs at all. He wasnt a womanizer and I felt confidant that he would never break my heart by cheating on me. Funny thing is, all those things are STILL true. Then he hurt his back a few years ago. He had done it before on a smaller scale but this time really knocked him flat. He has been told that he has sciatica from damage to the nerve down his leg and that it will never get better without surgery. Now, I am not even sure about that. I look back at some evidence of pain med abuse at the beginning of the relationship and I think he might have fought with this a few times and I just didnt realize it. Since I have gotten to the point where I doubt everything he says I wonder if at some time he wasnt told about the old sciatic nerve thing being unable to detect (more or less) and that if he just spouted off the right symptoms they could never say it wasnt real. I say this because he still works like a horse and doing all the physically hard stuff he did before and the only time he mentions how bad he hurts is when he is talking about how he needs the meds.
At the time he is supposed to be off of them but I highly doubt this as well. He says he didnt even go to his dr appt a week or so ago. He could have paid cash tho and known I wouldnt be able to find out. He insists that he was only taking 2 to 3 pills a day even tho I had an opportunity to count his pills a while back and for a few days straight he was taking 6 out a day. When I pointed that out he had an excuse. I know it was BS but it was a plausible one. I know that 6 a day isnt THAT bad but I know that it would have caused more WD symptoms that what I saw not to mention that I am seeing more behavior that shouts pill sneaking to me. Most important I just know it in my gut. So even tho 6 isnt a lot it is enough for him to lie about and to put him on the road of full blown addiction.
Since I have realized what is going on with him I do have a plan it is just one that will take a while to be in a position to do anything. If he gets straight in the meantime great, but I will continue to squirrel away money and just hope that I never have to use it.
My biggest sense of loss in all of this has to be that he really ruined my trust in our life together. More so than all the other losers I had tried to have relationships with before. I know that many people in my place will say they never thought their spouse would ever do this to them I really feel like I got more blindsided than I ever dreamed possible.
Sorry for the length of this... I tend to ramble.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
Suspicious...
Welcome
I am sorry you are going through this. It is smart to have a plan. I wish I would have planned when this all started happening a year ago. Your lucky you found the site so soon. Me being as gulible as I am believed that it was nothing and I took it all for granted. When my husband was at the beggining he reached out to me so many times but, me not being familiar with addiction I couldn't tell.
That was the past and this is now. Continue to be strong and go with your gut because it will always lead you in the right direction...
Hugs and prayers
Welcome
I am sorry you are going through this. It is smart to have a plan. I wish I would have planned when this all started happening a year ago. Your lucky you found the site so soon. Me being as gulible as I am believed that it was nothing and I took it all for granted. When my husband was at the beggining he reached out to me so many times but, me not being familiar with addiction I couldn't tell.
That was the past and this is now. Continue to be strong and go with your gut because it will always lead you in the right direction...
Hugs and prayers
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Suspicious))
Usually, if your gut is telling you something is going on, your gut is right. When someone lies to me, especially about drug use, it is a huge red flag for me...I'm a recovering addict and codie (codependent). It really doesn't matter how many pills he's taking (which you may never know the true amount)..if it's causing you concern, then it's a problem.
Have you ever gone to alanon or naranon meetings? I mention this because you say you've been with other guys that have been "losers". I was the same way, and realize, now, that it was because that's what I'm comfortable with. You say he was different from all the other guys, but in looking back, there may have been evidence of pain med abuse from the beginning of your relationship.
Reading/posting here, and going to meetings will help you learn how to focus on you and realize that you deserve the good things in life. I never believed that...not deep down. I had to work on ME to figure out why I kept choosing men who had "issues". SR has been a HUGE help to me.
As far as his addiction, we talk about the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. We can set boundaries (what we will accept/tolerate) and take care of us, and in your case, the kids.
Keep reading and posting..you're among friends!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Usually, if your gut is telling you something is going on, your gut is right. When someone lies to me, especially about drug use, it is a huge red flag for me...I'm a recovering addict and codie (codependent). It really doesn't matter how many pills he's taking (which you may never know the true amount)..if it's causing you concern, then it's a problem.
Have you ever gone to alanon or naranon meetings? I mention this because you say you've been with other guys that have been "losers". I was the same way, and realize, now, that it was because that's what I'm comfortable with. You say he was different from all the other guys, but in looking back, there may have been evidence of pain med abuse from the beginning of your relationship.
Reading/posting here, and going to meetings will help you learn how to focus on you and realize that you deserve the good things in life. I never believed that...not deep down. I had to work on ME to figure out why I kept choosing men who had "issues". SR has been a HUGE help to me.
As far as his addiction, we talk about the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. We can set boundaries (what we will accept/tolerate) and take care of us, and in your case, the kids.
Keep reading and posting..you're among friends!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
He actually tried to mask it and say that he needed help with alcohol. He said things like if you only do cocaine you can function at work. We were at breakfast and a guy pulled up and he said I bet that is a drug dealer right there and when the guy got out he was the relief cook at the restaurant. We had never had any type of drug discussions before and I should have seen the light. I may have 1 drink a month why would he be discussing things like this with me.
I often blamed myself because I slowly watch the life in my husbands eyes slip away. BUT SINCE COMING TO SR I HAVE REALIZED THAT I DIDNT CHOOSE THIS FOR HIM HE IS AN ADULT AND HE HAS CHOICES.
(SUS) Just remember that even though there were signs I still couldn't stop him because it was all his choice and continues to be his choice.
I often blamed myself because I slowly watch the life in my husbands eyes slip away. BUT SINCE COMING TO SR I HAVE REALIZED THAT I DIDNT CHOOSE THIS FOR HIM HE IS AN ADULT AND HE HAS CHOICES.
(SUS) Just remember that even though there were signs I still couldn't stop him because it was all his choice and continues to be his choice.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Welcome to SR. My ABF is also addicted to pain pills. He's been clean for 3 months. My ABF took pain pills for 7 years before his first recovery. This website is a godsend. Have you looked at the stickies at the top of the page? They are very helpful.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
Looking back I do think there may have been some issues with pain meds even before I met him but even the times that I knew that he took them and even tho he told me that they had the added benefit of giving him energy I didnt think of addiction. I myself dabbled with the party scene but I never had anything that I felt addicted to. Mostly I only played around the edges of the party scene if I was dating a guy who 'partied'. I took diet pills for about a month or so once. The worst thing I ever did was coke and I remember thinking how do people get hooked on this because I didnt even think it effected me. Looking back I guess I was lucky that I never dated a guy who dabbled in the really dangerous stuff like meth or crack. I realized that I had some fix the problem issues with guys. That is why I was so relieved when I met my AH.... I thought 'finally, a guy that is great even before I try to fix him'. He had also played around with a bit of stuff but he seemed to have done it for the same reasons I did and even made remarks that sounded strangely like my reasons... his XGF partied so he did but never liked it. Like I said, we seemed perfect for each other. Neither of us were innocents but both seemed to not really enjoy the bar or party scene.
I look back at my life and I realize that the happiest times for myself and as a parent was when I did it on my own. Then I got worried that I was <blank> old and 'should' be in a relationship or that I only make <amount> per week and 'needed' to get back together with my ex to be able to provide better for my kids or whatever. I really think now that I can be happy doing it on my own if it comes to that.
I look back at my life and I realize that the happiest times for myself and as a parent was when I did it on my own. Then I got worried that I was <blank> old and 'should' be in a relationship or that I only make <amount> per week and 'needed' to get back together with my ex to be able to provide better for my kids or whatever. I really think now that I can be happy doing it on my own if it comes to that.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I fell for the "I should be in a relationship", or found a reason why being on my own wasn't the best thing, too. Now, that I've been on my own for a while, I'm okay with it.
It does sound like maybe he wasn't an addict to begin with, just looking in hindsight makes you question things?
It sounds like you've got your eyes wide open, and are focusing on you and the kids.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It does sound like maybe he wasn't an addict to begin with, just looking in hindsight makes you question things?
It sounds like you've got your eyes wide open, and are focusing on you and the kids.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: pittsburgh pa
Posts: 2
I too have been with someone who has a drug problem for over 28 years with marijuana use. never thought it was such a big deal. have been married for 11 years, together for 14 and the use and his behavior has become overwhelming. He quit his job to start his own company, became lethargic and lazy, extremely stressed out, aggressive and controlling of me and totally distant.
I decided to move out for a year's time as my health and well being were deteriorating from the constant fighting and stress. We share custody of our daughter right now, and he claims to be clean. He also acts as if he never had a problem, which I feel is just denial again. I am very frustrated as I don't know how to get past this.
I want to have a healthy relationship, and when I try to explain to him that when he is using, he is not there for me intimately, he gets more angry.
he will not go to any support groups and his whole family uses marijuana. I feel like he will never get away from it and I am hurt that I spent this much time with him and feel like I got the short end of the stick. I too have dabbled, but no desire or addiction issues so I don't understand the need.
Can anyone else relate to this?
I decided to move out for a year's time as my health and well being were deteriorating from the constant fighting and stress. We share custody of our daughter right now, and he claims to be clean. He also acts as if he never had a problem, which I feel is just denial again. I am very frustrated as I don't know how to get past this.
I want to have a healthy relationship, and when I try to explain to him that when he is using, he is not there for me intimately, he gets more angry.
he will not go to any support groups and his whole family uses marijuana. I feel like he will never get away from it and I am hurt that I spent this much time with him and feel like I got the short end of the stick. I too have dabbled, but no desire or addiction issues so I don't understand the need.
Can anyone else relate to this?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Welcome,
I think the first thing I would do is go to the doctors with him. I would also let the doctor know how many pills he is taking a day. I say this because my husband has horrible back problems. He has the pinched nerves and the sciatic nerve, this causes pain that runs down his leg. He also works hard all day long and for periods of time he is fine, then he will do something to set it off and he is in pain till it settles down, I have seen him in so much pain at times, he can't even stand up. This in not a pain you can hide, even from a doctor. I feel for anyone that has to deal with it. Now my husband don't do any drugs except Advil, but if he did I could understand within reason and because I know his pain is real. I would ask the doctor a lot of questions about maybe surgery or pain management. My husband had a set of shots put in his back that really numbed the pain for months. I would let the doctor know where you think this is headed if your husband stays on pills. Just my thoughts, I like to give everyone the benefit before jumping the gun. Julie
I think the first thing I would do is go to the doctors with him. I would also let the doctor know how many pills he is taking a day. I say this because my husband has horrible back problems. He has the pinched nerves and the sciatic nerve, this causes pain that runs down his leg. He also works hard all day long and for periods of time he is fine, then he will do something to set it off and he is in pain till it settles down, I have seen him in so much pain at times, he can't even stand up. This in not a pain you can hide, even from a doctor. I feel for anyone that has to deal with it. Now my husband don't do any drugs except Advil, but if he did I could understand within reason and because I know his pain is real. I would ask the doctor a lot of questions about maybe surgery or pain management. My husband had a set of shots put in his back that really numbed the pain for months. I would let the doctor know where you think this is headed if your husband stays on pills. Just my thoughts, I like to give everyone the benefit before jumping the gun. Julie
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Posts: 267
To MyJoey
I agree that isnt a pain that you can hide... and that is why I doubt the fact that it is even there. Because I never see anything that would even come close to that. At least not since around a few months after this last back injury. I absolutely know that he was in serious pain then. He says now tho that what he has is no back pain and no leg pain just a permanently numb toe and he says that if he puts pressure on the bottom of his foot in his arch that he gets all the feeling back. He has said that he will never have surgery and he did the cortisone shots soon after the injury (about 3 yrs ago) but complained that they didnt help. I am hesitant about going the route of telling the doctor because I would be more worried that if he was branded in the system and banned from getting any narcotics that it would just hasten his addiction on to heroin. I hope that if he ever hits his bottom it will be before he progresses on to another, more addictive drug.
The reason I wonder about whether he is really in pain tho is because he knew a lot of people who were addicted and getting their meds from dr's and I am know he heard more than a few stories of what to tell the dr's to keep getting them. I think that addicts pass around the stories to help each other out and this just so happens to be a symptom that the dr's cant really check without opening up the back and examining the nerve for this permanent damage. I think many of the pain pill addicts bank on this too.
I agree that isnt a pain that you can hide... and that is why I doubt the fact that it is even there. Because I never see anything that would even come close to that. At least not since around a few months after this last back injury. I absolutely know that he was in serious pain then. He says now tho that what he has is no back pain and no leg pain just a permanently numb toe and he says that if he puts pressure on the bottom of his foot in his arch that he gets all the feeling back. He has said that he will never have surgery and he did the cortisone shots soon after the injury (about 3 yrs ago) but complained that they didnt help. I am hesitant about going the route of telling the doctor because I would be more worried that if he was branded in the system and banned from getting any narcotics that it would just hasten his addiction on to heroin. I hope that if he ever hits his bottom it will be before he progresses on to another, more addictive drug.
The reason I wonder about whether he is really in pain tho is because he knew a lot of people who were addicted and getting their meds from dr's and I am know he heard more than a few stories of what to tell the dr's to keep getting them. I think that addicts pass around the stories to help each other out and this just so happens to be a symptom that the dr's cant really check without opening up the back and examining the nerve for this permanent damage. I think many of the pain pill addicts bank on this too.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Well the only thing I can say there is ..........he hasn't felt the full blown back pain, because my husband use to say, no surgery, but when that pain is so bad, for so long you don't care who cuts, you just want the pain gone. It sounds like he has a problem, take the steps to protect yourself it only gets worse before it gets better.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Sadinpa)))
Welcome to SR, sweetie, though I'm sorry for what brought you here.
Regardless of what drug our loved ones use, I think we all can understand the feelings you're going through. I know of many who have loved ones who got off other drugs, only to "just smoke weed" and have to deal with what you are going through now.
Please read/post and get comfy...this is a wonderful place, full of supportive people.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR, sweetie, though I'm sorry for what brought you here.
Regardless of what drug our loved ones use, I think we all can understand the feelings you're going through. I know of many who have loved ones who got off other drugs, only to "just smoke weed" and have to deal with what you are going through now.
Please read/post and get comfy...this is a wonderful place, full of supportive people.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
From someone who ruptured a disc in her back, and has had problems with the sciatica, I agree...it is something you can't hide.
I was also an ER nurse for 12 years. The 2 most common complaints addicts use for "drug seeking" are back pain and migraines.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I was also an ER nurse for 12 years. The 2 most common complaints addicts use for "drug seeking" are back pain and migraines.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Hello there Suspicious,
narcotic addiction/dependancy is a difficult thing to live with, watching a loved one continuously impaired on a daily basis. I don't care how much pain someone is in, that stuff changes the person when its taken long term, then the whole family is in pain. And next thing ya know, we are needing recovery too. It's a vicous cycle. My heart goes out to you.
Huggs and prayers,
NH7
narcotic addiction/dependancy is a difficult thing to live with, watching a loved one continuously impaired on a daily basis. I don't care how much pain someone is in, that stuff changes the person when its taken long term, then the whole family is in pain. And next thing ya know, we are needing recovery too. It's a vicous cycle. My heart goes out to you.
Huggs and prayers,
NH7
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