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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Boise, ID
Posts: 2
New here
Hello all
Here is my story. I'm 50 and my husband is 59, we have been married 6.5 years, I had come from another country to marry him. I didn't realize he was a problem drinker/alcoholic during the 'dating' stage (it was long distance). When we spent time together he never drank at all. I sure found out quickly once I moved over and married him.
My husband usually drinks 2 to 3 times a week. Sometimes he will have one drink and be fine, other times he goes overboard and becomes obnoxious. He never drinks at home and then drive but he does it when he has been over to visit his mother after work. There are times when he doesn't drink at his mother's when visiting. For the most part I don't know when he is stopping by his mother's.
At the end of January this year, my husband suffered a mini stroke and was hospitalized for 4 days. He was told to stop smoking which he did. I couldn't believe it when two doctors told him he could drink as long as he could handle one drink despite me telling them he had a problem with alcohol and my husband even admitting to them that he had a problem. One drink only has not worked out.
My MIL reassured me back then that she would not offer him any drinks at her home. What did she do this past Saturday? Gave him a drink! Before he was hospitalized I told her he had a big problem with drinking which she was aware of anyhow, how obnoxious he was at home when drinking, how he shouldn't be drinking and driving, etc etc. She sat and sympathized with me even back then saying she knew how I was feeling because FIL was a problem drinker. Never stopped her from offering my husband a drink but only when I wasn't present. Why is she doing this?
I have pleaded with him to get into counselling, I went as far as hiding his bottle or pouring it out which later I found out not to do. He has to want to get help but he refuses saying he doesn't have a problem.
Anyhow I've given up and am moving back to my country in a few months with support from my family. The bottle means more to him than me. It's such a shame because other than this problem, we have had a lot of fun together, he's a hard worker, a good provider, etc.
My question? Should I attend Al Anon in the meantime and how do I get over the fear of him possibly killing someone with his drinking and driving?
Thanks for any suggestions.
Here is my story. I'm 50 and my husband is 59, we have been married 6.5 years, I had come from another country to marry him. I didn't realize he was a problem drinker/alcoholic during the 'dating' stage (it was long distance). When we spent time together he never drank at all. I sure found out quickly once I moved over and married him.
My husband usually drinks 2 to 3 times a week. Sometimes he will have one drink and be fine, other times he goes overboard and becomes obnoxious. He never drinks at home and then drive but he does it when he has been over to visit his mother after work. There are times when he doesn't drink at his mother's when visiting. For the most part I don't know when he is stopping by his mother's.
At the end of January this year, my husband suffered a mini stroke and was hospitalized for 4 days. He was told to stop smoking which he did. I couldn't believe it when two doctors told him he could drink as long as he could handle one drink despite me telling them he had a problem with alcohol and my husband even admitting to them that he had a problem. One drink only has not worked out.
My MIL reassured me back then that she would not offer him any drinks at her home. What did she do this past Saturday? Gave him a drink! Before he was hospitalized I told her he had a big problem with drinking which she was aware of anyhow, how obnoxious he was at home when drinking, how he shouldn't be drinking and driving, etc etc. She sat and sympathized with me even back then saying she knew how I was feeling because FIL was a problem drinker. Never stopped her from offering my husband a drink but only when I wasn't present. Why is she doing this?
I have pleaded with him to get into counselling, I went as far as hiding his bottle or pouring it out which later I found out not to do. He has to want to get help but he refuses saying he doesn't have a problem.
Anyhow I've given up and am moving back to my country in a few months with support from my family. The bottle means more to him than me. It's such a shame because other than this problem, we have had a lot of fun together, he's a hard worker, a good provider, etc.
My question? Should I attend Al Anon in the meantime and how do I get over the fear of him possibly killing someone with his drinking and driving?
Thanks for any suggestions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Cavalier)))
Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brings you here.
To answer your questions, YES, you should go to alanon. It will give YOU the support, you are obviously not getting from your AH or MIL.
As far as him drinking and driving, it's a hard decision to make, but some have called the cops when they know they're spouse is driving under the influence. If he's really only had "one drink" it may not be enough to legally be over the limit, but being pulled over may scare him enough to keep him from doing it again. Just be aware, though, if he knows you called the cops, he may be VERY angry with you..make sure you keep your safety as a priority.
Reading/posting here, and going to alanon will help you keep the focus on you. You will learn about the 3 c's..you didn't cause it, can't control it and you can't cure it. You can set boundaries (what you will accept), but you can't make MIL not offer him drinks..that's not in your control.
Keep reading and posting...there are a lot of wonderful people here, who have been or are going through similar situations. You are definitely not alone.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brings you here.
To answer your questions, YES, you should go to alanon. It will give YOU the support, you are obviously not getting from your AH or MIL.
As far as him drinking and driving, it's a hard decision to make, but some have called the cops when they know they're spouse is driving under the influence. If he's really only had "one drink" it may not be enough to legally be over the limit, but being pulled over may scare him enough to keep him from doing it again. Just be aware, though, if he knows you called the cops, he may be VERY angry with you..make sure you keep your safety as a priority.
Reading/posting here, and going to alanon will help you keep the focus on you. You will learn about the 3 c's..you didn't cause it, can't control it and you can't cure it. You can set boundaries (what you will accept), but you can't make MIL not offer him drinks..that's not in your control.
Keep reading and posting...there are a lot of wonderful people here, who have been or are going through similar situations. You are definitely not alone.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hello cavalier, and welcome!
I'm glad you found us, but of course am sad that you had cause to find us at all. Alcoholism is a baffling thing to have to cope with.
We have a saying around here that you'll here often, regarding alcoholism: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. You are correct in that only HE can make these changes in his life, and he's choosing not to even admit there's a problem.
Your only choice in such a situation is to protect yourself, as your life is the only life you can control.
I found Al-anon meetings helpful in getting face-to-face support for the hardest parts of being around alcoholics - the lies, the denial, the frustration. In your situation, if you've decided to leave, it may help you to keep your sanity until you can do so....you could try it and see if it's helpful to you.
You are not in charge of your husband's treatment of the rest of humanity. Think about it: if he wanted to drive drunk NOW and hurt someone, you could not control that, right? So what difference does it make whether you're living with him or somewhere else? The chances are the same.
The big difference might be that if you are not married to him any longer, you will not be financially liable for any huge bills he accumulates through his drunken actions. That was a consideration for me, anyway.
I wish you luck with this. It sounds like a very difficult situation, but I am glad that you have a support system willing to help you. Many women do not.
Hugs,
GL
I'm glad you found us, but of course am sad that you had cause to find us at all. Alcoholism is a baffling thing to have to cope with.
We have a saying around here that you'll here often, regarding alcoholism: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. You are correct in that only HE can make these changes in his life, and he's choosing not to even admit there's a problem.
Your only choice in such a situation is to protect yourself, as your life is the only life you can control.
I found Al-anon meetings helpful in getting face-to-face support for the hardest parts of being around alcoholics - the lies, the denial, the frustration. In your situation, if you've decided to leave, it may help you to keep your sanity until you can do so....you could try it and see if it's helpful to you.
You are not in charge of your husband's treatment of the rest of humanity. Think about it: if he wanted to drive drunk NOW and hurt someone, you could not control that, right? So what difference does it make whether you're living with him or somewhere else? The chances are the same.
The big difference might be that if you are not married to him any longer, you will not be financially liable for any huge bills he accumulates through his drunken actions. That was a consideration for me, anyway.
I wish you luck with this. It sounds like a very difficult situation, but I am glad that you have a support system willing to help you. Many women do not.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR. I am sorry however for the circumstances that brought you here.
Alanon is a wonderful resource to help us stay focused on ourselves and to heal from the effects that a loved one's alcoholism has had on us. I encourage you to attend. Even after you return home, I encourage you to continue attending if it is available in your area. I have applied the concepts of Alanon in all areas of my life. It has taught me how to cope with my emotions better. I have healthier friendships, and my self-esteem is better.
As for the fear of him drinking/driving and killing someone, that is a tough one. We can't control what the alcoholic does. My youngest daughter came home once drunk and then left again. I was so floored I didn't know what to do. I did tell her later on that if she ever ever did that again, I would not hesitate to pick up the phone and call the police, and I meant it. I could never live with myself if I knew she was driving under the influence and killed either herself or someone else.
Please keep posting, and again, welcome to SR! :ghug :ghug
Alanon is a wonderful resource to help us stay focused on ourselves and to heal from the effects that a loved one's alcoholism has had on us. I encourage you to attend. Even after you return home, I encourage you to continue attending if it is available in your area. I have applied the concepts of Alanon in all areas of my life. It has taught me how to cope with my emotions better. I have healthier friendships, and my self-esteem is better.
As for the fear of him drinking/driving and killing someone, that is a tough one. We can't control what the alcoholic does. My youngest daughter came home once drunk and then left again. I was so floored I didn't know what to do. I did tell her later on that if she ever ever did that again, I would not hesitate to pick up the phone and call the police, and I meant it. I could never live with myself if I knew she was driving under the influence and killed either herself or someone else.
Please keep posting, and again, welcome to SR! :ghug :ghug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Boise, ID
Posts: 2
Thank you all for the welcome and for your advice and suggestions. I really appreciate it.
It's one of those situations where if I only knew then what I know now....
I gave up a good job with great benefits and future retirement, my home and my car along with leaving behind my family - two adult girls and my parents to come here to this.
I guess I should have not be surprised at MIL's actions as she has in the past also "enabled" her 25 year old granddaughter (who lives with her along with her 2 year old daughter) when this girl was running around doing drugs and hanging out with a known drug dealer who is also the father of the 2 year old. When the granddaughter bailed the drug dealer out of jail, he was showing up at MIL's house and also showing up at other family member's homes for family functions. This girl was also on probation for a drug charge and not to be associating with this guy. Everyone just sat there pretending it wasn't happening. We're talking about those family members that were working in professional jobs. When I refused to go to the family functions, I was labelled the black sheep of the family. Does common sense not enter into play here? Anyhow this is a whole different story.
While I'm sad about what is all going on, on the other hand I'm looking forward to getting out of here, going back to my own family and getting on with my life. Life is too short to have to live like this.
I will be giving Al Anon a call tomorrow to see about joining up so that I can cope with all of this until I'm out of here.
I'll keep you posted. Thanks.
It's one of those situations where if I only knew then what I know now....
I gave up a good job with great benefits and future retirement, my home and my car along with leaving behind my family - two adult girls and my parents to come here to this.
I guess I should have not be surprised at MIL's actions as she has in the past also "enabled" her 25 year old granddaughter (who lives with her along with her 2 year old daughter) when this girl was running around doing drugs and hanging out with a known drug dealer who is also the father of the 2 year old. When the granddaughter bailed the drug dealer out of jail, he was showing up at MIL's house and also showing up at other family member's homes for family functions. This girl was also on probation for a drug charge and not to be associating with this guy. Everyone just sat there pretending it wasn't happening. We're talking about those family members that were working in professional jobs. When I refused to go to the family functions, I was labelled the black sheep of the family. Does common sense not enter into play here? Anyhow this is a whole different story.
While I'm sad about what is all going on, on the other hand I'm looking forward to getting out of here, going back to my own family and getting on with my life. Life is too short to have to live like this.
I will be giving Al Anon a call tomorrow to see about joining up so that I can cope with all of this until I'm out of here.
I'll keep you posted. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Lake Mills< IA
Posts: 42
You started at very good place by coming here to SR. Al-non would be another very benificial choice for you in my opinion. I am in recovery and have been for 4 years. I have relapsed 3 times hard. but am sober today. I wish you well and keep coming back here to SR the people are very warm and welcoming. I would also suggest coming to the chat room the people there are full of good advice and welcoming. :praying for you and your husband.
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