Bellatarra

Hello all, I am new here so please bear with me.

I have been with my fiancé for 2 years. He is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, just 6 weeks sober. He made the choice to pursue recovery on his own and is very committed to staying sober.

I am thrilled that he has decided to live a sober lifestyle. I have been extremely supportive - chatting with him about AA, meeting his sponsor, attending Al-Anon meetings and even joining him for some open AA meetings. At first, everything seemed normal - he was open and honest with me, sharing his feelings and fears and we were as close as ever.

Then, quite suddenly, he seemed to shut me out. He stopped calling me as often during the day and was extremely short when we did speak. He stopped inviting me to meetings (which is understandable, but odd considering there was no explanation) and began going to two meeting so on some days or leaving 45 minutes early for other meetings. At home he is standoffish and almost condescending, constantly picking little fights and acting as if he’s perpetually annoyed with me.

This is quite a departure form our old life, even after he began recovery. We have always been best friends and he generally misses me after even an 8 hour workday - now he suddenly doesn’t seem to mind if we only see each other for an hour before we go to bed.

I know the rules, so I keep myself busy and never nag him about attending meetings, but I can’t help but winder if this is not JUST about recovery. I’ve never known him to be short or rude with me (outside of being drunk) so it’s hard for me to believe that his being a jerk is just a part of recovery.

Have others of you had similar experiences? Are the mood swings and irritability normal? Is it appropriate for me to bring this type of behavior up with him? Or should I just remove myself from his presence until he stops being a jerk?

Please help. Thanks

SleepyCherie

Being my paranoid and un-trusting self, I jump to thinking he met someone at a meeting.

I hope someone else has something more constructive to add.. it just sounds really suspicious.

Welcome aboard, I hope we can help you find some support here!

Barbara52

Welcome!

Sounds like he's concentrating on his recovery and maintaining sobriety, no easy task. It must be hard to deal with the changes in him. But I suspect that this is just how he is right now and you get to decide if how he is behaving is acceptable or not.

Sometimes being a jerk (from the perspective of the one involved with an A) is unfortunately part of the process. I know that when my brother was in early recovery, he had little time or energy for any relationships.

Freedom1990

I think that at this time, you attending Alanon and keeping the focus on yourself is the best thing that you can do.

Early recovery is extremely difficult for an addict/alcoholic. My emotions were all over the place the first year. At 6 weeks, he probably can't even identify what he is feeling right now. He's used to 'medicating' his emotions, and no longer has that stop-gap in place.

Give him space and work on yourself.

:ghug :ghug

Bellatarra

Thanks Barbara. I live in Alexandria - are there any good meetings in the area this week?

Barbara52

I don't go to meetings. Never have. So I'm afraid I can't help you find one. But there are a whole lot of them in the area so it shouldn't be hard.

Bellatarra

Any other thoughts or stories? I'd be interested in hearing what some other people experienced during the first few months living with a recovering alcoholic.

Thanks again.

Freedom1990

Alexandria Alanon Meeting List

sailorjohn

From a guys perspective, I'd say it sounds like he's cheating. I recognize the behavior, not so much the not inviting you to meetings stuff-which would raise red flags right there-but the constant 'picking little fights and acting perpetually annoyed'. Something I did myself. I would look him right in the eye and ask.

Bellatarra

Thanks for the insight. I am not sure what to say. I am completely shocked. We've never had an honesty/trust/fidelity issue, ever. I'm not sure where to go from here ...

sailorjohn

Dear, could be 1000% wrong on this, just sharing my personal experience. Very early in the program, met someone, we hooked up again after I got married. From my perspective, I knew what I was doing was wrong, the way I dealt with my guilt was that I projected it back on her. Have since come to realize that I was using the sex as my new drug of choice, I wasn't drinking at the time.

Bellatarra

I guess the best way to find out is to ask ...

TTOSBT

Bella,
I am a recovering alcoholic myself (11 months sober) and this behavior seems a little odd.
When you say, at first everything seemed normal, how long was that? I mean, how long has it been since he "changed"?.
It does not guarantee that he is cheating but I do think it is strange that hwas okay with you being a part of his recovery and now is not.
I do agree that the best thing you can do (no matter what he is doing) is to stay in recovery for yourself. He needs to focus on his recovery if he is to stay sober. I am married and my husband is a "normie". He has not asked to attend meetings wit me, etc. but I have left the invitation open, in case he ever does want to. I am so grateful for my husband and I love him dearly, but he can't help me in my recovery. That is my job.

TTOSBT

Bella,
I would definitely ask why he is not as open to have you be a part of his recovery now when he was in the beginning. Tell him exactly what you told us and ask him if he has a reason for these changes. I personally would not jump on him with the infidelity question immediately but I would get to the bottom of what is going on in your relationship.

Bellatarra

We've discussed this a lot. He says he is just now figuring out who he is. He was an addict through out his development years (19 - 29) when the rest of us get to find out who we are, so I know he has a lot of self discovery to do.

I realize that there will be changes in his demeanor and in our relationship. I just want to be sure the integrity of our relationship remains.

Freedom1990

Don't jump to conclusions. Take a few deep breaths.

Stay in the moment.

When I first got into recovery, I was dragging around a lot of anger that I didn't even know that I had.

That anger didn't surface until I had been alcohol/drug-free for some period of time.

I was irritable as hell a lot of the time.

sailorjohn

Got a pm from Freedom1990, I probably was projecting my own experience here, he does only have 6 weeks and I had several years when I stepped out on my exwife. You might just merely express your concerns without accusing, tell him how you're feeling about the distancing and his behavior, and leave it at that. And find your own meetings

Bellatarra

Don't feel bad for being honest - I very much appreciate your insight, and it didn't necessarily cause me assume my fiance was cheating. Rather it reminded me that this disease can cause the people we love to do things that seem out of character - and that I should always have my eyes open and my own best interests at heart.

Ago

I also don't want to jump to conclusions but this is exactly what went through my head as well.

I also would point blank ask him why the sudden "about face"

As a male that has gotten sober my emotions were also all over the map in early sobriety, but it's POUNDED into you that the most important place to bring "your program" to is your own home and your relationships.

Like John, the suddenly excluding you would be a red flag in and of itself, but one with a perfectly reasonable explanation (individuation which is normal) but coupled with the irritability and picking fights all my alarms went off.

I may be projecting as well, but my gut went straight to where John's went as well, of course it may be that we both happen to be men that have cheated, so it could either mean we recognize the behavior or we are projecting.

It really could be either one.

I hope we are wrong. We very well may be.

I agree with this approach

TakingCharge999

Hello bellatarra! I loved your last message. "Keep my own interests at heart" will be my new motto!

I hope you keep working on yourself, regardless of what he does or does not do. ((((hugs))))))