Control
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 46
Control
When last we left, the ABF was open to cutting back on drinking daily, however thought that being a thoughtful drinker to me was to put his beer in a different cup and enjoy! lol..
So we had another talk about alcohol. He asked me to give him a guideline on what I'd be comfortable with.
Is anyone ever comfortable with being given that task? I told him I didn't want to be responsible for that type of decision, but eventually suggested limiting drinking to weekends and special occasions.
Late in the night on Sunday we were talking. He had lied to me about whether or not he'd watched porn while I was at work on Saturday. I give him a hard time about it (pun not intended) but I knew he'd watched it because the evidence was on the computer and he lied about it.
I'm one of those girls that likes honesty and he's always presented himself as a man who is honest even if it's going to hurt someones feelings. Knowing he had lied about watching porn really bothered me and I told him so.
He said he was tired of my "rules" and said I was controlling and manipulative. I have been critical of him lately, and I apologized for that, but told him that didn't mean lying to me was acceptable.
He can tell me he doesn't want to discuss it, without lying about it. Chances are I'll give him a hard time about not telling me something as well, but if you want an honest relationship you have to deal with the consequences of your honesty and the information someone else is honest about.
This brings us to last night, being Monday. I thought I could smell beer on his breath, but I didn't see any beer can. When I came to give him a kiss and smelled it a bit he pulled back and said "wow you smell strange, kind of like a metal or chemical smell"
Of course I think he must be sneaking beer, which is just stupid. Be a big boy and out it if you are going to do it. Hiding it only validates my view on his alcoholism.
But the part where he thinks I'm controlling (I assume because of the weekend only drinking rule, however, he asked me for a guideline) is just ridiculous.
Boys are smelly (no offense to the men on the forum)
Alright, that's my rant for the day. My functional ABF thinks I'm controlling and manipulative hahahahaha! I'm getting less and less interested with each turned over stone.
So we had another talk about alcohol. He asked me to give him a guideline on what I'd be comfortable with.
Is anyone ever comfortable with being given that task? I told him I didn't want to be responsible for that type of decision, but eventually suggested limiting drinking to weekends and special occasions.
Late in the night on Sunday we were talking. He had lied to me about whether or not he'd watched porn while I was at work on Saturday. I give him a hard time about it (pun not intended) but I knew he'd watched it because the evidence was on the computer and he lied about it.
I'm one of those girls that likes honesty and he's always presented himself as a man who is honest even if it's going to hurt someones feelings. Knowing he had lied about watching porn really bothered me and I told him so.
He said he was tired of my "rules" and said I was controlling and manipulative. I have been critical of him lately, and I apologized for that, but told him that didn't mean lying to me was acceptable.
He can tell me he doesn't want to discuss it, without lying about it. Chances are I'll give him a hard time about not telling me something as well, but if you want an honest relationship you have to deal with the consequences of your honesty and the information someone else is honest about.
This brings us to last night, being Monday. I thought I could smell beer on his breath, but I didn't see any beer can. When I came to give him a kiss and smelled it a bit he pulled back and said "wow you smell strange, kind of like a metal or chemical smell"
Of course I think he must be sneaking beer, which is just stupid. Be a big boy and out it if you are going to do it. Hiding it only validates my view on his alcoholism.
But the part where he thinks I'm controlling (I assume because of the weekend only drinking rule, however, he asked me for a guideline) is just ridiculous.
Boys are smelly (no offense to the men on the forum)
Alright, that's my rant for the day. My functional ABF thinks I'm controlling and manipulative hahahahaha! I'm getting less and less interested with each turned over stone.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
For me, if I set rules, guidelines, whatever you want to call them for another adult's behavior, I am indeed being controlling. I have no right to set standards for behavior for another adult.
I do have the right to find another adult's behaviors unacceptable to live with though.
I cannot live with an active alcoholic. So my decision becomes what am I willing to do if that adult chooses to engage in behaviors I find unacceptable. I chose to leave an dlet now xAH stay in denial since that's how he chooses to live. Sad but his choice nonetheless. Ain't a danged thing I can do about it.
Only you can decide what you are willing to do if you AH's behaviors are unacceptable. But yes, it sounds like you are trying to control him. That never really works in my experience.
I do have the right to find another adult's behaviors unacceptable to live with though.
I cannot live with an active alcoholic. So my decision becomes what am I willing to do if that adult chooses to engage in behaviors I find unacceptable. I chose to leave an dlet now xAH stay in denial since that's how he chooses to live. Sad but his choice nonetheless. Ain't a danged thing I can do about it.
Only you can decide what you are willing to do if you AH's behaviors are unacceptable. But yes, it sounds like you are trying to control him. That never really works in my experience.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by SleepyCherie 
I just did what he asked after a long period of telling him I didn't want to make that decision.
Is it still controlling when the person asked you to do it?
Is it still controlling when the person asked you to do it?
It seems so to me. Also enabling by giveing him "excuses" for when he fails to meet your standards. Its also him trying to abdicate responsbility for his choices. If you set the standards for his behaviors, then you are responsible for his behavior not him and it leaves you open to charges of you are controlling him, being mean, being unreasonable, treating him like a child, and so on. Is that what you want?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
My functional ABF thinks I'm controlling and manipulative
I had difficulty with this concept as well, all my requests seemed so reasonable, and all I was asking for was the alcoholics in my life to tell the truth.
They couldn't so I left, but what it took for me to leave was hell. I tried everything. They lacked the capacity.
Once I realized that, I could decide if it was something I wanted in my life.
It wasn't so I left.
I loved what LTD had to say about this issue:
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
The more I treated my AH like a child, incapable of taking care of his own life, the more he continued to act like one.
I will tell you the realizations I finally came to in my life. No, I'm not gonna be gentle, because the truth is sometimes harsh and difficult.
I was arrogant and controlling. I thought I knew what was right for another human being. I did not trust him to make his own choices and take care of himself. I was playing god and justified it the same way you do. It took a long time and a lot of pain, but I finally "saw the light" myself. I am not in control of anyone but me. I cannot drag someone kicking and screaming, into my way of doing things. How self-important I was, thinking I knew what was best for someone else.
It's not "giving up on him." It's giving up the illusion that you are so powerful. And, yes, I too needed therapy to help me get out of the superior, self-righteous attitude that I had.
L
I will tell you the realizations I finally came to in my life. No, I'm not gonna be gentle, because the truth is sometimes harsh and difficult.
I was arrogant and controlling. I thought I knew what was right for another human being. I did not trust him to make his own choices and take care of himself. I was playing god and justified it the same way you do. It took a long time and a lot of pain, but I finally "saw the light" myself. I am not in control of anyone but me. I cannot drag someone kicking and screaming, into my way of doing things. How self-important I was, thinking I knew what was best for someone else.
It's not "giving up on him." It's giving up the illusion that you are so powerful. And, yes, I too needed therapy to help me get out of the superior, self-righteous attitude that I had.
L
"Their" behavior is "their" behavior, the choice I have is whether or not I want it in my life, not whether I can control it or not.
Was one of the more painful lessons I ever learned. (am still learning)
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 46
Alright, that makes sense. It's also the reason I didn't want to make the decision he was asking me to. I think part of him understands that his actions will eventually cause me to bail and that is why he strives to have me give him "rules".
It's time for me to tell him he's a grown man capable of making those decisions for himself and let the chips fall.
Thanks for your responses. This is why I come here!
It's time for me to tell him he's a grown man capable of making those decisions for himself and let the chips fall.
Thanks for your responses. This is why I come here!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Cherie,
Good advice above.
I'd add that it IS necessary for YOU to know (in your mind & heart) how much alcohol is acceptable for you to stay, and what behaviors are acceptable. LaTeeDa has a great thread somewhere called "Dealbreakers" that covers a lot of ground there.
The rules vs. boundaries things is a common topic here, mostly because there's a wide swath of gray between the black and white of it. I think you are safe if you just communicate your feelings (about lying, about drinking to the point of impairment, about secretiveness), treat him like an adult, and then make your own choices. Even if he asks
To me, lying stinks of cowardice, and it's one of my, well, "dealbreakers." I got involved with a man, not a ten-year-old who needs to tell fibs to keep his friends.
That said, I don't interfere with whatever my husband wants to view or do online, unless he's making connection with another individual. And I don't ask, and truthfully don't care. That's my boundary, he knows it, and if it's crossed he knows what the repercussions will be. There's a great relaxation in that.
Ditto on drinking to excess. My boundary is, "start making a habit of this (say, more than once every month or two) and we will need to start discussing separation."
So.....find your own boundary, make it about YOU, express it, and keep it.
I'm glad you keep coming here!
Good advice above.
I'd add that it IS necessary for YOU to know (in your mind & heart) how much alcohol is acceptable for you to stay, and what behaviors are acceptable. LaTeeDa has a great thread somewhere called "Dealbreakers" that covers a lot of ground there.
The rules vs. boundaries things is a common topic here, mostly because there's a wide swath of gray between the black and white of it. I think you are safe if you just communicate your feelings (about lying, about drinking to the point of impairment, about secretiveness), treat him like an adult, and then make your own choices. Even if he asks
To me, lying stinks of cowardice, and it's one of my, well, "dealbreakers." I got involved with a man, not a ten-year-old who needs to tell fibs to keep his friends.
That said, I don't interfere with whatever my husband wants to view or do online, unless he's making connection with another individual. And I don't ask, and truthfully don't care. That's my boundary, he knows it, and if it's crossed he knows what the repercussions will be. There's a great relaxation in that.
Ditto on drinking to excess. My boundary is, "start making a habit of this (say, more than once every month or two) and we will need to start discussing separation."
So.....find your own boundary, make it about YOU, express it, and keep it.
I'm glad you keep coming here!
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