How to tell my 4 yr old that Mommy is in Rehab.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 2
How to tell my 4 yr old that Mommy is in Rehab.
I am new to these boards as of today. My wife is an alcoholic and drug addict(inhalants/huffing). This morning she had a car accident with my daughter in the car on the way to drop her off at school. She told me she got lost because she was using and high, then proceed to rear end someone. Thank God nobody was hurt and the damage was minimal. My wife has been going to AA and seemed to be doing okay. Today after the accident she told me she wanted to go to rehab, and that's what we did. I dropped her off today for a 28 day program. I am praying that it will help. I went to my first AlAnon meeting tonight and it helped to talk about it with people who have similar experience. My daughter hasn't asked yet about where mommy is, but I know that is coming. So far I think I will tell her that she is out of town for work, or just out of town working hard. Any advice would be appreciated. I need help dealing with all of this. Thank you for listening/reading.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi VAhusband-- and welcome!!
Is there a counselor or therapist you can ask about how to age-appropriately handle this?
I can't imagine that lying is a good idea, like saying she is at work....28 days is a long time. Can you say she needs help with a problem called alcoholism and addiction and she has gone to a place where she can get some help?
Shame and concealing and lying were all things I grew up with and was aware of at a very young age vis-a-vis my dad's alcoholism. I have memories as far back as 1st grade...so my guess is that from the beginning of time I knew something wasn't right!!
More people will be along soon....glad you found this place - lots of wisdom here, and collectively on SR I think we've seen it all!
peace,
b.
Is there a counselor or therapist you can ask about how to age-appropriately handle this?
I can't imagine that lying is a good idea, like saying she is at work....28 days is a long time. Can you say she needs help with a problem called alcoholism and addiction and she has gone to a place where she can get some help?
Shame and concealing and lying were all things I grew up with and was aware of at a very young age vis-a-vis my dad's alcoholism. I have memories as far back as 1st grade...so my guess is that from the beginning of time I knew something wasn't right!!
More people will be along soon....glad you found this place - lots of wisdom here, and collectively on SR I think we've seen it all!
peace,
b.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
So glad you found us! First of all, I think it's truly admirable that you not only took your wife to a treatment center when she reached out for help, but also that you went to an Alanon Meeting tonight. There are many loved ones who don't realize that this is a disease, not some kind of weakness.
Even though your daughter is only 4, I imagine she has some idea that there is something wrong, even though she doesn't know exactly what it is. I would be honest to some extent and tell her that Mommy hasn't been feeling too good lately and she went to get some help to feel better. This will reassure her that Mommy is getting help to feel better and also I imagine that there will be some visiting allowed at the treatment center that you can take your daughter to visit her Mom. If you tell her that Mommy is at work, how are you going to explain to her that this is Mommy's work?
Addiction is a Family disease. . . everyone who loves the addict is effected in one way or another. Again, I think it's wonderful that you are taking care of yourself as well.
Although I haven't had a family member in Recovery, I am the addict who the family members supported though her Recovery. Please continue to take care of yourself! And I'd like to share one of my favorite slogans that I'm sure you will be hearing alot, "This Too Shall Pass." Your wife will be home soon and hopefully this time will help her on her journey in Recovery.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
My daughter was almost five when I went to rehab (her sister was 8 at the time). I went to an outpatient program but my children had to go to a neighbors during the day and we told them that my brain was not working right and I needed to go to classes to learn how to make it work right again. We told them that I had made some bad choices and that I needed to learn how to make better ones.
That is just my experience.
Welcome to SR. Keep coming back.
That is just my experience.
Welcome to SR. Keep coming back.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Welcome!! 
When I go to al-anon meetings and my kids ask. I tell them I am going to a metting....they say, what for.....I say, To work on myself so I can become a better person.
My AH told our 3.5 yo that he was sick and he needed to get better. Something like that might be age appropriate.
Keep reading and posting! this is a great place
When I go to al-anon meetings and my kids ask. I tell them I am going to a metting....they say, what for.....I say, To work on myself so I can become a better person.
My AH told our 3.5 yo that he was sick and he needed to get better. Something like that might be age appropriate.
Keep reading and posting! this is a great place
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
My son turned 2 while I was in rehab. We told him daddy was in the hospital because he was sick. That was good enough for him.
Though I suppose if he were older he probably would ask more questions. IMHO, honesty is the way to go.
Though I suppose if he were older he probably would ask more questions. IMHO, honesty is the way to go.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 163
After my mother relapsed, I told my 3.5 year old that he couldn't see his grandmother because she is "sick." This caused some confusion because we went to see her in the hospital after back surgery. His point was that we saw her when she was sick in the hospital, why can't I see her now?
I now tell him that Grandma is not acting right or doing the right thing, and until she starts acting right she has to be in "time out." He understands that a bit better.
When I was pulled over for speeding with him in the car, I told him that the police officer was giving me a time out for going too fast, along with a ticket that I would have to pay. He reported it to his six year old brother, who then told me very seriously "Mom, you have to slow down. It's in the rules." I promised to try to do better.
I now tell him that Grandma is not acting right or doing the right thing, and until she starts acting right she has to be in "time out." He understands that a bit better.
When I was pulled over for speeding with him in the car, I told him that the police officer was giving me a time out for going too fast, along with a ticket that I would have to pay. He reported it to his six year old brother, who then told me very seriously "Mom, you have to slow down. It's in the rules." I promised to try to do better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Honesty is the best Policy. Even though your child is very young, she is still old enough to realize that something's not right. Your wifes counselor or therapist can give you a heads up on the proper approach to dealing with this problem. At least her mom went for the help, that's a blessing. Keep it simple with your little girl. Children are very bright, and sometimes the simplest answer is acceptable. I would as a professional though. They know how to deal with this sort of thing. They do it all the time. Good Luck and Bless You.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Rapid City, South Dakota
Posts: 3
Thanks I'm excited to get started. I need help staying sober I have a wife a 2 year old daughter and a 4 month old son and i dont want to lose them do you have any ideas on some first steps to take? maybe and online daily devotional for alcoholics or something.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Rapid City, South Dakota
Posts: 3
Struggling
Thanks I'm excited to get started. I need help staying sober I have a wife a 2 year old daughter and a 4 month old son and i dont want to lose them do you have any ideas on some first steps to take? maybe and online daily devotional for alcoholics or something.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Hey Shnitz, The first step would be going to AA. You can get alot of great advice and tools to stay sober with there. Also, there are many, many others struggling with the same exact problem. You can go to meetings for support. And you would get alot of support there. The second step would be, STAY OUT OF THE BAR. That helps. You have a beautiful family. That's a gift. It would be a shame to endanger your young children with the behaviors of a drunk. How wonderful for them to have a sober daddy and husband. Good Luck to you, and God Bless you.
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Don't lie, whatever you do, just don't.
When I was six and my dad went to rehab for the first time, my mom told me that "Daddy is sick" and that was it until a longgg time later. I was wondering the whole time when he'd come back and we he did, I asked him a lot of questions that he never answered. Be truthful. At least tell her what Latte said about making bad choices... that's better than "sick". When I was that young, I thought sick meant he'd be back in a few days. When it was a month.. and then another month and so on, I wondered if he was ever really coming back.
When I was six and my dad went to rehab for the first time, my mom told me that "Daddy is sick" and that was it until a longgg time later. I was wondering the whole time when he'd come back and we he did, I asked him a lot of questions that he never answered. Be truthful. At least tell her what Latte said about making bad choices... that's better than "sick". When I was that young, I thought sick meant he'd be back in a few days. When it was a month.. and then another month and so on, I wondered if he was ever really coming back.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I agree with Speedy, when my parents divorced and my dad left I do not remember anyone telling me he would be far away for good. I recall not understanding where he was and waiting for him. One day he would come with gifts, take us out, etc. then nothing for months. Very confusing and sad. Be truthful and constantly remind your child that Mommy loves her and will always do, even if she is not physically there. That she remembers her. Even if your child does not ask out loud she may be wondering already.
I send you hugs during this difficult time ((((VA))))
I send you hugs during this difficult time ((((VA))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 2
Thank you so much all of you for your advice, thoughts, and kind words. I am new to all of this, and reading these boards is really helping me get a grip on things. So far my daughter hasn't asked too much, this morning she asked where mommy was. She has always been closer to me than my wife and so far I don't think she misses her that much. I am sure as time goes by that will change. This is all so hard and confusing, I have so much anger and sadness and fear. Going to Alanon helped, and I am going again tomorrow night. My Mother in law is super supportive and helpful with everything as she has been dealing with this for a lot longer than I have. I am sure that I will have more questions in the near future regarding all of this. If there are any particular posts any of you feel may be helpful, please advise me on how to find them. Thank you again all of you it feels really good to get this off of my chest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
VA, hang in there with this.
If there's anything we can do, any specific kinds of experience, strength or hope we can share with you as you go through this experience, just let us know.
:ghug
If there's anything we can do, any specific kinds of experience, strength or hope we can share with you as you go through this experience, just let us know.
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Hey VA, keep on doing the next right thing. That's all you can do. Be honest,with your little girl, but try to get advice from a child therapist. So you can talk to her on her own level. Like I said before honesty is the best policy. Again, at least your wife is in rehab, and getting the help she needs. It could be alot worse if she were still out using/drinking. Lots of Luck to you and your family. Better days are coming.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Hi and Welcome to SR -
I don't even remember how old I was when my mom when to Rehab.. maybe 5 or 6?? But I do remember having to go to my own kid "meetings" and they also bought me this book called My Daddy Loves Me, My Daddy has a Disease. It explains a lot of things about addiction in kid terms...
This is the book: of course the cover looks different than it did 20 years ago, but I'm sure the message is still the same.
Amazon.com: My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease: A Child's View: Living with Addiction: Claudia Black: Books
I don't even remember how old I was when my mom when to Rehab.. maybe 5 or 6?? But I do remember having to go to my own kid "meetings" and they also bought me this book called My Daddy Loves Me, My Daddy has a Disease. It explains a lot of things about addiction in kid terms...
This is the book: of course the cover looks different than it did 20 years ago, but I'm sure the message is still the same.
Amazon.com: My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease: A Child's View: Living with Addiction: Claudia Black: Books
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
