naive

well, i'm still in america and ABF back in the UK is now an angel? he's calling everyday, says he's working, the car is back on the road, he's not drinking and he washed the bathroom floor? oh, and he loves me, etc. etc.

i find myself not believing him...

ok, here's where i need your help, because i know i'm off kilter...he doesn't know when i am returning. i simply told him sometime in april. in my head, i want a surprise return...meaning i walk into our flat when he does not expect me or hopefully, when he's not even there...

i know this is because i am tired of being lied to and this time, i don't want to be the sucker...

naive

sailorjohn

quackquackquackquackquackquack

I think sometimes we get thrown when the quacking isn't verbal.

naive

ha ha, sailorjohn. right on. way to cut through the c**p...

one thing i've noted in the phone calls is that he rarely asks me what i am up to. and i'm the one in a different country! it's all about him.

Pelican

he's calling everyday, says he's working, the car is back on the road, he's not drinking and he washed the bathroom floor?

I guess you should proclaim a national holiday!

He is finally doing the things a responsible adult does on a daily basis.
Quack, Quack!

Freedom1990

Anytime my oldest AD calls, I just imagine the Aflac duck on the other end of the line.

TakingCharge999

he did ALL THAT? how wonderful! *note sarcasm*




he probably wants you to be cheerful because he is such a great man !!

and then when you find out something:




bleahh, tell him that we expect something more original (((hugs)))

how are YOU doing naive? I want you to tell us EVERYTHING!

naive

i'm doing ok, just taking it one day at a time. sometimes, i still feel trapped, as in what am i doing in america? but that passes. i went to some alanon meetings but stopped going, mainly because i didn't get much out of them. i think this is because i'm only here for a month and it all feels temporary and not rooted. i'm reading "co-dependent no more" and reading here. it's a new idea that i am co-dependent; but i certainly have been consumed with his actions, his lies, his depression, his happiness. it needs to stop and i am trying to keep an open mind and face myself.

he's calling everyday, sometimes twice a day. i am surprised at that. he's asking me to come home, that he misses me. i just keep reminding myself how exhausted i was when i left, how trapped i felt, how much i hurt.

he says he's different, but he's not. today, he told me that a card arrived from a friend for me, with $20 in it. he said he needed it to pay his rent. this is after he just told me he had some drinks at his local. i said no, leave my mail alone, simply collect it for me. he then said he wouldn't pay the rent aurrears then, if i didn't give him the $20. i said no again and he dropped it.

i bet it's spent already...

i feel kindof sick writing this, cause i miss him. i gotta get real about what's going on...it's not acceptable on so many levels...

i remain humbled and grateful to the support i have received here....believe me, i am listening...i just wish i could get my heart in line with my head...

sailorjohn

Remember The Facts-Toby Rice Drews
Sounds to me like you're doing a pretty good job.

Yeah, the hard part.
Might be easier if you stop taking all those phone calls.

Rainbowsend

I managed to have the wool pulld over my eyes twice both for 3 month periods. Easy to do when you don't live with someone and they are 50 miles away, even easier when they are in a diffrent continent. If you think he's stringing you along he probably is

Glenna9802

Hey Lady, glad to hear the update on you. Please try to give Al-Anon another chance. It has truly changed my life. It didn't click for me right away either, but once it does it can be amazing!!

tallulah

Hi naive... :ghug

As you know, I'm away from the A and there is no contact as there is pending legal action.

I have to say that it is the best thing for me as it gives me space to look at what has happened and review the relationship without any input from the A. Of course it is hard, this person was part of my life everday for nearly 3 years, but it is amazing how much more clearly you see things when you don't have the A 'quacking'.

I would agree with sailorjohn. Stop taking the phonecalls for a while and give yourself some headspace. You have travelled thousands of miles to get some perspective for YOU and with his constant contact you may as well be in the next room.

Pelican

Good Day Naive,

I'll be another voice recommending no contact.

I am separated from my AH, and have been since early Feb (almost 2 months)

The first 5 weeks were completely no verbal contact, only a few e-mails. It really helped me to take the time out and stop worrying about the A and listen to my instincts. All the quacking made me feel like I was ADD. (Unable to focus on my needs)

Yes, the silence can be extremely painful. I had a 14 year relationship with this person. Now I am learning that the emptiness I feel is where my HP will help me develop my true self.
:ghug3

Glenna9802

Just have to say that everyone is right. This is YOUR time...take advantage of it!!

silkspin

I agree with everyone too naive. I've been separated from AH for 3 months, in the same house but separate bedrooms. Even that small separation has done wonders. I go to bed every night alone and read either Melody Beattie or some Al Anon literature or write in my journal and that has all been very healing. Just last night, I realized I'd spent my day totally in the present, and did things all for me without a second thought to him or what he's thinking. This is the magic of Al Anon. And I went to bed feeling good about that. Some alone time will feel tough at first but you have the bonus of physical distance. Not sure if you believe in a HP but it may be them giving you this gift of distance to figure yourself out. Good luck.