Meeting #2
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Birmingham, AL
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Meeting #2
Well, I am back now from my 2nd Alanon meeting. My first meeting was in November of last year. It took me 4 tries of going and sitting in the parking lot before I could get myself out of the car and go inside. Then later that night my AH apologized and told me all of the things that I thought that I wanted to hear. quack. well, I haven't needed to go back. Or so I thought.
This time, I knew that I wanted to go for myself, and I had no problem walking in this time! I started crying, just listening to everyone. I wasn't able to share what I am experiencing, but I know that I will be ready to share one day. The topic was "one day at a time". It was good for me just to listen and know that I am not alone. I know in my head that I am not alone, but my heart says something totally different.
My AH is an absent drunk. There is a part of me that kind of WANTS him to go out drinking every night now, because he is not there being a grouchy-couch-potato that does nothing but complain.
Now my feelings have changed from November, and all I want to do is get away from him, he is sooooo negative! but financially I cannot afford to. Our daughter is four years old now, and I just don't want her growing up thinking that this is how a family is supposed to be. She knows that daddy isn't home every night. The other day she told me that she didn't like daddy, because he didn't know "her" rules. It absolutely breaks my heart. He used to be such a great guy! Somewhere in there, there has to be that smae great guy! He is still in there right????? I am very careful not to let my way of thinking influence the way that she feels about her daddy. I just can't help thinking that she would actually see more of him if we were seperated or divorced, than she does now. And it would be more structured, like tuesdays/thursdays and every other weekend. That is more than she sees him now. And I would even have some free time to myself! Gosh, I dream about having my own free time.
One day at a time....
This time, I knew that I wanted to go for myself, and I had no problem walking in this time! I started crying, just listening to everyone. I wasn't able to share what I am experiencing, but I know that I will be ready to share one day. The topic was "one day at a time". It was good for me just to listen and know that I am not alone. I know in my head that I am not alone, but my heart says something totally different.
My AH is an absent drunk. There is a part of me that kind of WANTS him to go out drinking every night now, because he is not there being a grouchy-couch-potato that does nothing but complain.
Now my feelings have changed from November, and all I want to do is get away from him, he is sooooo negative! but financially I cannot afford to. Our daughter is four years old now, and I just don't want her growing up thinking that this is how a family is supposed to be. She knows that daddy isn't home every night. The other day she told me that she didn't like daddy, because he didn't know "her" rules. It absolutely breaks my heart. He used to be such a great guy! Somewhere in there, there has to be that smae great guy! He is still in there right????? I am very careful not to let my way of thinking influence the way that she feels about her daddy. I just can't help thinking that she would actually see more of him if we were seperated or divorced, than she does now. And it would be more structured, like tuesdays/thursdays and every other weekend. That is more than she sees him now. And I would even have some free time to myself! Gosh, I dream about having my own free time.
One day at a time....
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
I can totally relate. I knew my AH was a great guy in there somewhere also, but the addiction seemed to be clouding everything, and I knew it would affect my 2-year-old daughter as she grew up. I made the decision to leave, coming back after he went headfirst into AA, got a sponsor and started working the steps. I know it has been hard for him, but I love to see the real him on a daily basis rather than the way it was before, and I know our daughter does as well.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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He is still in there right?????
Some people hang on to a thread for decades, assuming this is true. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't. Or they get little glimpses ("crumbs" tossed to them from time to time for a while) and that keeps them there. I stayed for so long on those crumbs...I was pitiful. Sometimes I'd get all excited: "Wow! Look at the size of THAT crumb! Cool!" LOL
Only you can know when you've had enough, and when your daughter has had enough. I'm sorry you're hurting...
BUT I'm so glad you're finding relief at meetings, jennygirl. I remember you sitting in your car
Preserving your sanity is job #1.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Birmingham, AL
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Oh my gosh, I live for crumbs. So sad... I am working on me. That is the one thing that I know and that I am 100% sure of. Maybe it will be the jolt that he needs to grow up and act like a responsible adult that wants to be part of this marriage, and maybe he won't. I am just so tired of all the negativity!
Thanks for remembering me!
Thanks for remembering me!
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Anvil,
Now I am bawling. First I was a crumb chaser, and now I am a dreamer with my head in the clouds! And you are absolutely right. He is not the nicest guy. He kind of likes being a jerk and I think he is actually proud of it.. His dad is a jerk and emotionally abuses his mother on a daily basis. Now his dad does not drink, but he is a Vietnam vet and he uses that excuse as to why he treats his loved ones poorly. My AH just isn't the guy I fell in love with, and I am not sure that he will want to be that guy again if he were to quit drinking. I just need something to believe in. And if I don't believe that he would be a good husband and father if he got sober, than I really am just spinning my wheels and wasting my life on him. I do not believe in giving up, but I don't believe in living my life as a chump either. I am so torn!
Now I am bawling. First I was a crumb chaser, and now I am a dreamer with my head in the clouds! And you are absolutely right. He is not the nicest guy. He kind of likes being a jerk and I think he is actually proud of it.. His dad is a jerk and emotionally abuses his mother on a daily basis. Now his dad does not drink, but he is a Vietnam vet and he uses that excuse as to why he treats his loved ones poorly. My AH just isn't the guy I fell in love with, and I am not sure that he will want to be that guy again if he were to quit drinking. I just need something to believe in. And if I don't believe that he would be a good husband and father if he got sober, than I really am just spinning my wheels and wasting my life on him. I do not believe in giving up, but I don't believe in living my life as a chump either. I am so torn!
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MissFixit
I guess that that is the million dollar question. What do I want?? I want a happy family. I want my husband to be my best friend. I want 100 babies. I want my family to be able to be social and to have fun with other friends and families. I grew up with 7 kids in my family. I thought that I didn't want any kids at all, I like the peace and quiet. But I really think that I thrive on the chaos of 100 things going on at the same time. My daughter is an only child, and unless I remarry, she will always be an only child.
(Okay, I really don't want to be like octomom, so the 100 babies comment was just an exageration!) I just want to be happy and content, and I want to feel like my partner is concerned with my happiness and I want to feel like he cares about me and wants to work as a team. I am sick of feeling like a single parent with someone else's crap to clean up! (Oh, and I would like a million dollars in unmarked bills and a summer house at the beach! Might as well go big!)
I guess that that is the million dollar question. What do I want?? I want a happy family. I want my husband to be my best friend. I want 100 babies. I want my family to be able to be social and to have fun with other friends and families. I grew up with 7 kids in my family. I thought that I didn't want any kids at all, I like the peace and quiet. But I really think that I thrive on the chaos of 100 things going on at the same time. My daughter is an only child, and unless I remarry, she will always be an only child.
(Okay, I really don't want to be like octomom, so the 100 babies comment was just an exageration!) I just want to be happy and content, and I want to feel like my partner is concerned with my happiness and I want to feel like he cares about me and wants to work as a team. I am sick of feeling like a single parent with someone else's crap to clean up! (Oh, and I would like a million dollars in unmarked bills and a summer house at the beach! Might as well go big!)
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Originally Posted by jennygirl73 
I just need something to believe in.
And being the best mom possible for your child.I read a very helpful book concerning men who don't treat their loved ones well. It is, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Poor Octomom. Not a fan of hers, but she has a whole set of matching luggage in her attic!
How do you get to where you want to be? Start small and grow from there (that is what I am currently doing). What are the first steps you need to take to ensure the health of you and daughter? How does dad fit into the picture?
How do you get to where you want to be? Start small and grow from there (that is what I am currently doing). What are the first steps you need to take to ensure the health of you and daughter? How does dad fit into the picture?
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I do believe in me, and that is one of the reasons that I am here. I am trying, I am just having a very difficult time with all of these new realizations. I just never wanted to do this alone! I made a commitment to this man. Now I know that I picked the wrong guy, but I made a commitment, and I am not a quitter. I know that Kenny Rogers says you gotta know when to hold em and know when to fold em. Stupid me just thinks that I can fix this!
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Miss,
That question is too hard for me to answer right now. I am not ready to give up on him, on us, on our family. But to get the things that I want I would have to leave him, or else see some major changes, like him quitting drinking. Since he doesn't think he has a problem, then I won't see those changes. This is so hard!
That question is too hard for me to answer right now. I am not ready to give up on him, on us, on our family. But to get the things that I want I would have to leave him, or else see some major changes, like him quitting drinking. Since he doesn't think he has a problem, then I won't see those changes. This is so hard!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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It is a hard question and one you don't have to answer now. Beginning to recogize problems and areas you don't think are healthy in your life is a great place to start. Baby steps.
No one said you have to leave him today or ever. That is your choice when and if the time comes. It is up to you to determine the life you want for yourself and child.
No one said you have to leave him today or ever. That is your choice when and if the time comes. It is up to you to determine the life you want for yourself and child.
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Anvil,
You sure hit it home and hard! I don't think it's unreasonable of me to want my husband to be a part of my life and to be a part of our family. I do not expect him to fulfill my dreams, but I do expect him to be a participant on a daily basis. I know that I can't save him, I really do. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to help him, or even wanting him to help himself. I know that he has changed in the past few years, so why is it so unrealistic for me to expect him to at least change back part of the way? I miss the guy that cared about my day and my feelings. The guy that would hold my hand and just call me in the middle of the day for nothing else but to tell me that he loved me. The part of my husband that showed me love and affection and made me feel like there was someone in my corner that wanted the best in life for me. I do not want to go through life by myself as long as I am married. I feel like a single parent with someone else's stuff to clean up after and someone else's bad moods to put up with. I want him to want to be the best that he can be so that I have someone to look up to. Someone who can help me help to be the best me! I also know that I have changed in the past few years, and I have lost alot of the confidence that I had when we first met. Parenting is something new to me, and I am struggling. I had never even changed a diaper before I had my daughter, and neither one of us planned or really wanted kids. BUt now that he drinks the way he does, I am left alone to be the only parent.
I just miss him so much. and I am so sick of crying about it.
You sure hit it home and hard! I don't think it's unreasonable of me to want my husband to be a part of my life and to be a part of our family. I do not expect him to fulfill my dreams, but I do expect him to be a participant on a daily basis. I know that I can't save him, I really do. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to help him, or even wanting him to help himself. I know that he has changed in the past few years, so why is it so unrealistic for me to expect him to at least change back part of the way? I miss the guy that cared about my day and my feelings. The guy that would hold my hand and just call me in the middle of the day for nothing else but to tell me that he loved me. The part of my husband that showed me love and affection and made me feel like there was someone in my corner that wanted the best in life for me. I do not want to go through life by myself as long as I am married. I feel like a single parent with someone else's stuff to clean up after and someone else's bad moods to put up with. I want him to want to be the best that he can be so that I have someone to look up to. Someone who can help me help to be the best me! I also know that I have changed in the past few years, and I have lost alot of the confidence that I had when we first met. Parenting is something new to me, and I am struggling. I had never even changed a diaper before I had my daughter, and neither one of us planned or really wanted kids. BUt now that he drinks the way he does, I am left alone to be the only parent.
I just miss him so much. and I am so sick of crying about it.
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(((((((jennygirl)))))))
Is it reasonable to want your hubby to turn back into what he was like? Well with an alcoholic it is unreasonable. The disease is progressive. When he was the way you liked him he was in an earlier stage of the disease....and if he finds recovery he won't go back to that stage he might transform into a new, older, wiser and different person again...but you simply cannot know or predict!!
It is understandable that we pine for the past and better times etc. But it is also a form of torture you are choosing to inflict upon yourself. I'm serious. I know because I did it for a while too with my fantasies about my exH and ultimately I was keeping myself in a place of immense pain...I discovered (with the help of a therapist) that I really REALLY REALLY had to work on acceptance of things/people just the way they are. If it is not mine to change then I have to accept that and let it go.
Mourning the past and wishing for things to be different is a natural response to stress-- but just make sure you follow it all the way through-- mourn it, respect what it has to teach you, but then lay it to rest, and choose to focus on how things are today, just today, right now, and then plan accordingly.
My heart goes out to you...it is very hard...
peace,
b
Is it reasonable to want your hubby to turn back into what he was like? Well with an alcoholic it is unreasonable. The disease is progressive. When he was the way you liked him he was in an earlier stage of the disease....and if he finds recovery he won't go back to that stage he might transform into a new, older, wiser and different person again...but you simply cannot know or predict!!
It is understandable that we pine for the past and better times etc. But it is also a form of torture you are choosing to inflict upon yourself. I'm serious. I know because I did it for a while too with my fantasies about my exH and ultimately I was keeping myself in a place of immense pain...I discovered (with the help of a therapist) that I really REALLY REALLY had to work on acceptance of things/people just the way they are. If it is not mine to change then I have to accept that and let it go.
Mourning the past and wishing for things to be different is a natural response to stress-- but just make sure you follow it all the way through-- mourn it, respect what it has to teach you, but then lay it to rest, and choose to focus on how things are today, just today, right now, and then plan accordingly.
My heart goes out to you...it is very hard...
peace,
b
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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I found when I stopped thinking in terms of what I wanted from a fantasy relationship and started thinking in terms of what I actually was getting from the real world relationship I did better. When I stopped comparing the AH of the past to the real present day man, I did better. When I stopped thinking in any sort of magical, wishful sort of way, I did better. No "what if" just "what is."
Reality sucked but it was reality. Fighting reality got me no where but a world of pain. I made my decision based on who I was right then and who AH was right then. No hoping I could change to fit somehow. No hoping he could change. Just what things really were since there are no guarantees he would ever change. And reality was that the marriage was dead, that I no longer loved the man was AH had become, that I could not live with the intolerable.
I am doing much better on my own.
Reality sucked but it was reality. Fighting reality got me no where but a world of pain. I made my decision based on who I was right then and who AH was right then. No hoping I could change to fit somehow. No hoping he could change. Just what things really were since there are no guarantees he would ever change. And reality was that the marriage was dead, that I no longer loved the man was AH had become, that I could not live with the intolerable.
I am doing much better on my own.
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