sadwife

Should I just be happy that for now he is only having one drink on the train. Before it was more than that. So far he hasn't bought any to hide in the garage. I just don't understand how I am suppose to react to all this. Yes, he has cut down a lot, and yes he is going for help but, he is still in the mindset that he can drink in moderation. Am I suppose to enjoy the good times and that makes the bad times more tolerable? Am I suppose to say good boy for controlling yourself, pat him on the back? This just doesn't get any easier. I guess I should be thankful (and I am) that things have quieted down a little. Hope its not the calm before the storm. Thanks for listening. Anyone else feel this way?

journeygal

I know exactly how you feel. My husband is an addict and while he has completely stopped using, he will still have a drink with friends every now and then. I would prefer that he not drink at all, but I had to detach from that a long time ago. All I can do is enjoy life one day and one moment at a time. I'm grateful for each moment free from insanity, whether it's from my husband's addiction or my reaction to it. I don't pat him on the back but I don't beat him up either. I let him deal with his recovery and I focus on me.

You won't be able to enjoy life if you're always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Because in life, there's always a shoe waiting to drop, and it might not have anything to do with your husband's drinking. There are no guarantees and we shouldn't waste our lives sitting around waiting for the bad stuff. So the key is to enjoy the good times while they're here and deal with the bad stuff as it happens.

Take care and hugs,
JG

sadwife

Thats what I figured. The old one day at a time is pretty good advice when you love an AH. I guess I am still at the stage when I smell it on him I remember some of the mean things said to me. I need to get over it and get on with my life. And yes he has apologized but we all know how that goes. I am glad you know how I feel and feel sad that you do! Thanks for the support!

Wench

Hey Sadwife, You know what? NO you should not be happy that he's only had just "one drink". If it doesn't make you happy that he's only had but one drink, don't guilt yourself into being happy about it. I've been on here before and for the life of me I can't remember my ID (I used to just automatically logon, then my hardrive crashed). I think I was "JustFedUp" or something of the sort, but it doesn't much matter.... Anyhoo.... Anyone that tells you that you should just be happy with what you can get behavior wise from the drunk is simply FOS (full of shiznet).

I guess I'm writing this at my peak of annoyance with my drunkard. (Who just so happens to be oh so perfect in the eyes of everyone else since he's a "closet drunk" ). He "socially" drinks around co-workers and friends, but ties it on real good when he's not expecting company. Well company we got tonight, and he showed his behind. He quite literally could not put a coherent sentence together when friends just happened to stop by. Not only that, he stood up to walk and went face first into the pool . POS (piece of shiznet).

I guess I'm hijacking your thread a bit, but it somewhat struck a nerve because I'm tired of him throwing me little glimpses of sobriety. Pretty effin pathetic when I feel he's making progress when he doesn't get loaded in a couple of days. If he goes a week it's like the big "HOORAY". I've actually come to the realization (believe it or not with my bitter post LOL) that he will never not be a drunk. I'm just fortunate enough to live in a big enough house that I don't have to be around him when he is drunk. I don't accept it and I never will. I love him dearly when he's sober, but more often that is rare.

Okay enough of my ramblings. I'm sure they make no sense, but don't beat yourself up over being annoyed with his "one drink".

ariesgirl

Wow, I can't believe how much both these posts sound like my life. Sadwife, I totally understand how it feels to be happy that your spouse is cutting back, even though in your heart you know it's not enough...I have reached the point where I am happy if my husband is just "buzzed" as opposed to falling down drunk. Unfortunately, most of the time he is falling down drunk. Wench, I totally get your frustration too -- my husband, a professor who is admired by his colleagues and students alike, is a closet drunk who everyone thinks I am SO LUCKY to be married to because they never see him like I have to, so drunk he can't even speak, and they never have to clean up his mess when he is so drunk he makes himself sick. People think we are the perfect couple, a professor and a lawyer with three kids and a nice house. No one, not even my closest friends, realize that he drinks constantly and that our marriage has taken a back seat to his partying. Mostly, people think I am a b#$@h because I never want to stay out and ask people to leave my home at the unreasonable hour of two a.m. His friends, and mine, say that he is just social and I need to learn to accept it. This is because they don't realize that once he stops drinking, he (can't or won't) stop -- he'll just keep going till he passes out or runs out. That's why I never want him to start and try to get people to leave (or try to get him to leave wherever we are) before things get past the point where I feel I can control it. Maybe there is no such point. That's why I think cutting back is not enough, but at least it's something.

Well, this is my first post. I feel a little better having seen that other people are experiencing the same thing I am.

Good luck to both of you.

Gabe

I know what it's like to live with a "closet drunk". My mother was that way. She worked at my high school and everyone thought she was wonderful (she was when she was sober). They never saw her staggering down the hall in her underwear at 2 in the morning, drunk as a skunk.
Alas, if your husband's drinking problem is as bad as it sounds, it will eventually bleed into his "other life". Sometimes, this is the only wake-up call for an alcoholic.
This is a great place to get experience, strength and hope from others who are living with alcoholics. Hope you stick around.
Peace,
Gabe

Wench

I'm soooo glad I'm not the only one with a closet drunk. My drunk had ZERO recollection of his actions when he woke up Saturday. His explanation was "Irish blood" It just annoys the living crap out of me that he gets the luxury of "blacking out" and not remembering. What also drives me up the flippin wall when he does this in front of people is "are you guys doing alright?" Like he's drinking because "we're" having problems. Like I'm somehow the root of it. I'm sure everyone means well, but it still irks me.

I swear, when he croaks, and some other man comes into my life, not like that would even be in my top 100 things to do (finding a man), but if and when that day comes if the guy so much as hints that he drinks you'll see the flames coming from my feet I'll be running away so fast! :p