Perspective Please...
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Perspective Please...
My exA called my godmother again on Friday to tell her that he has his driver's license back, is getting a job and will be married in NC (where I am from) this June. She asked him why he continues to contact her and he said that he was checking in and wanted her to know how well he was doing. She told me and I was pretty upset most of the weekend. We talked and she won't tell me again.
I went out of town for the weekend to get away and returned last night to find two emails from the OW to me via L's email account. She replied to two emails I sent L over a year ago...she was checking his email archives. What? And in her replies to me, she asked me why i was contacting them, and to stop contacting them. These emails were to L, not her, so I was not contacting "them." Also, they were sent over a year ago, not recently, so she had to dig them up...
Please help with perspective on this. I am feeling very sad and overwhelmed.
I went out of town for the weekend to get away and returned last night to find two emails from the OW to me via L's email account. She replied to two emails I sent L over a year ago...she was checking his email archives. What? And in her replies to me, she asked me why i was contacting them, and to stop contacting them. These emails were to L, not her, so I was not contacting "them." Also, they were sent over a year ago, not recently, so she had to dig them up...
Please help with perspective on this. I am feeling very sad and overwhelmed.
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Wow. Talk about a marriage that will be its own punishment. She's already snooping and being controlling? Isn't that karma.
In a perfect world (mine of course lol) this is what would happen:
1) you'd ask your godmother to never speak to you of your X again, and ask if she would consider not taking his calls any more (why would she?)
2) you'd write one last email back that says what you told us - that these emails were from a year ago, that you have no intention of contacting him/them in the future, and that you are in fact blocking their emails from now on so they can't send any more sh** to you. And then HAVE their email blocked so you can't get any more weirdness from her/them. She sounds like a jealous, controlling train wreck and can only bring icky drama into your life.
I had my X's exes contact me too. I couldn't figure it out - he had told me they were awful women, why would they be bugging ME? Well.....because he had to set up this ruse where THEY were awful and I was awful and play us against each other in order to cover up the fact that he was an alcoholic jacka$$ who had abused us both. It was really sick. But it was all his doing.
3) take a deep breath, admit that these are two freaky people you don't want to have anything to do with, grab your best girlfriend and go to a movie.
That's all the perspective I can think of, missfixit. Truly, you are better off without this cr@p in your life.
In a perfect world (mine of course lol) this is what would happen:
1) you'd ask your godmother to never speak to you of your X again, and ask if she would consider not taking his calls any more (why would she?)
2) you'd write one last email back that says what you told us - that these emails were from a year ago, that you have no intention of contacting him/them in the future, and that you are in fact blocking their emails from now on so they can't send any more sh** to you. And then HAVE their email blocked so you can't get any more weirdness from her/them. She sounds like a jealous, controlling train wreck and can only bring icky drama into your life.
I had my X's exes contact me too. I couldn't figure it out - he had told me they were awful women, why would they be bugging ME? Well.....because he had to set up this ruse where THEY were awful and I was awful and play us against each other in order to cover up the fact that he was an alcoholic jacka$$ who had abused us both. It was really sick. But it was all his doing.
3) take a deep breath, admit that these are two freaky people you don't want to have anything to do with, grab your best girlfriend and go to a movie.
That's all the perspective I can think of, missfixit. Truly, you are better off without this cr@p in your life.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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I agree with everything said by GiveLove, with one addition. The fact that the ex continues to call your godmother shows that he is very immature and knows that she will tell you everything he says. It sounds to me like he still wants you to care.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Wow. Talk about a marriage that will be its own punishment. She's already snooping and being controlling? Isn't that karma.
In a perfect world (mine of course lol) this is what would happen:
1) you'd ask your godmother to never speak to you of your X again, and ask if she would consider not taking his calls any more (why would she?)
2) you'd write one last email back that says what you told us - that these emails were from a year ago, that you have no intention of contacting him/them in the future, and that you are in fact blocking their emails from now on so they can't send any more sh** to you. And then HAVE their email blocked so you can't get any more weirdness from her/them. She sounds like a jealous, controlling train wreck and can only bring icky drama into your life.
I had my X's exes contact me too. I couldn't figure it out - he had told me they were awful women, why would they be bugging ME? Well.....because he had to set up this ruse where THEY were awful and I was awful and play us against each other in order to cover up the fact that he was an alcoholic jacka$$ who had abused us both. It was really sick. But it was all his doing.
3) take a deep breath, admit that these are two freaky people you don't want to have anything to do with, grab your best girlfriend and go to a movie.
That's all the perspective I can think of, missfixit. Truly, you are better off without this cr@p in your life.
In a perfect world (mine of course lol) this is what would happen:
1) you'd ask your godmother to never speak to you of your X again, and ask if she would consider not taking his calls any more (why would she?)
2) you'd write one last email back that says what you told us - that these emails were from a year ago, that you have no intention of contacting him/them in the future, and that you are in fact blocking their emails from now on so they can't send any more sh** to you. And then HAVE their email blocked so you can't get any more weirdness from her/them. She sounds like a jealous, controlling train wreck and can only bring icky drama into your life.
I had my X's exes contact me too. I couldn't figure it out - he had told me they were awful women, why would they be bugging ME? Well.....because he had to set up this ruse where THEY were awful and I was awful and play us against each other in order to cover up the fact that he was an alcoholic jacka$$ who had abused us both. It was really sick. But it was all his doing.
3) take a deep breath, admit that these are two freaky people you don't want to have anything to do with, grab your best girlfriend and go to a movie.
That's all the perspective I can think of, missfixit. Truly, you are better off without this cr@p in your life.
Wow.....I'm amazed by all of the truth twisting that seems to go on in these situations. Heck, my A XBF has told his new wife some things about his ex-wife and I, that just make me laugh. His new wife told a friend of mine that she had just met that she felt so bad for her new husband b/c the prior women in his life were evil. My A XBF told his new wife that his ex-wife had kidnapped his kids and moved to another state, and that when he and I were living together that I didn't pay my part of the bills which led to his house being foreclosed earlier this year. Both things couldn't be further from the truth. There always has to be a "mean people " for the A to blame and play against each other.
And there always seem to be people who believe their lies ( I used to be one of those people....but not anymore!)
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Exactly! My X assured me that his ex-wife refused to work, abused alcohol and drugs, and threatened suicide when he tried to break up with her. Oh, the horrible tales.
When I finally left him, my X was refusing to work, abusing alcohol and drugs, and threatening suicide if I left. The ex-wife, by the way, was making nearly six figures at a high-tech firm and had remarried, but still got emails from him begging her to "not hate him." The ex-wife before HER got the same thing. I was just the next in the string.
The lies are just astonishing sometimes.
Missfixit, you really are better than this.
When I finally left him, my X was refusing to work, abusing alcohol and drugs, and threatening suicide if I left. The ex-wife, by the way, was making nearly six figures at a high-tech firm and had remarried, but still got emails from him begging her to "not hate him." The ex-wife before HER got the same thing. I was just the next in the string.
The lies are just astonishing sometimes.
Missfixit, you really are better than this.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
Funny thing is....the truth always seems to find its way to the surface. Right after I went no contact with my A XBF, I found out about his criminal record (DUI's and a DV charge), found out that he had been married twice, not once like he had told me, found out about how he cheated on his ex-wife and me, and found out how he was pocketing all the money that I was paying him each month for my half of the rent and bills and gambling and drinking it away, and how everything that he had told me about his ex-wife was a lie. I felt like an idiot. But, I wasn't the first to buy his load of crap, and sadly and obviously am not the last. I just want to hug his new wife and tell her to run for her life, but ......if I did that....it would be a case of me not allowing him to suffer the consequences of his poor decisions.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
You've already handled the situation with your godmother.
Put a filter on your emails so that any coming from his email address go directly to trash.
You can't control what he/she is going to do.
You can control what you do on your end.
:ghug :ghug
Put a filter on your emails so that any coming from his email address go directly to trash.
You can't control what he/she is going to do.
You can control what you do on your end.
:ghug :ghug
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Thanks Ladies!
I was on a walk when you all wrote. Doing a take home mid-term now, so back to the computer.
Because of my insecurity, I just called a mutual friend who told me he doesn't have a job lined up, doesn't have his license back and the friend and other friends haven't spoken to him in weeks as he was drunk calling them making crazy accusations. His call to my godmother was full of BS (and I again doubted myself and believed he "got it together" and our problems were my fault). I cannot believe how easily I fall into that thinking.
My friend said that he is trying to intimidate me to not move back to my former town (lived there 10 years and moving back in May), becasue he has lied so much to everyone that I might spill his beans. Also, my friend said that the OW knows of his boozing, so "our" friends are keeping distance with whole situation as he is an A, she is enabling and staying in the relationship for $$. Small towns....
You are all right in your assessments. Thank you for your thoughts. I just get these moments of self doubt that build and then I start to think that I do everything wrong and will never be able to trust my own judgement again.
My friend mentioned blocking his email address too. Haven't gotten one in a while, so didn't really think about it.
I was on a walk when you all wrote. Doing a take home mid-term now, so back to the computer.
Because of my insecurity, I just called a mutual friend who told me he doesn't have a job lined up, doesn't have his license back and the friend and other friends haven't spoken to him in weeks as he was drunk calling them making crazy accusations. His call to my godmother was full of BS (and I again doubted myself and believed he "got it together" and our problems were my fault). I cannot believe how easily I fall into that thinking.
My friend said that he is trying to intimidate me to not move back to my former town (lived there 10 years and moving back in May), becasue he has lied so much to everyone that I might spill his beans. Also, my friend said that the OW knows of his boozing, so "our" friends are keeping distance with whole situation as he is an A, she is enabling and staying in the relationship for $$. Small towns....
You are all right in your assessments. Thank you for your thoughts. I just get these moments of self doubt that build and then I start to think that I do everything wrong and will never be able to trust my own judgement again.
My friend mentioned blocking his email address too. Haven't gotten one in a while, so didn't really think about it.
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Hi Missfixit,
Walks are great head-clearers sometimes
I'd talk to your email provider, whoever it is, and tell them you want to block a certain email address or IP address (the actual spot where he/OW get on the internet) Ask how to do that in your system.....they can vary a bit.
Good luck with your mid-term - I'm doing the same next week!
GL
Walks are great head-clearers sometimes
I'd talk to your email provider, whoever it is, and tell them you want to block a certain email address or IP address (the actual spot where he/OW get on the internet) Ask how to do that in your system.....they can vary a bit.
Good luck with your mid-term - I'm doing the same next week!
GL
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Miss!
Yes, block his stuff and if you receive anything by any chance, delete it without viewing.
Go back to your town and live your life as he didn't exist. Tough, I know. But its possible, although physically the scenario is the same one, I have felt so great now creating my Alternate Reality where he is less and less important.. always remember that YOU ALWAYS GET TO DECIDE how you want to feel any given moment.. and you can create a good life for yourself, where you are now, in your hometown or in Mars.. *(sometimes I wish I was there lol)
Ask common friends/family NOT to talk about him. Ever. If they insist, find other friends that can TAKE YOUR FEELINGS INTO ACCOUNT and know you may be sensitive to those comments.
It was hell when everybody (even the janitor, LOL) told me about how they had seen him with the new girlfriend in the offices, how he had all his Facebook full of loving notes, a "friend" telling me OUT OF THE BLUE by phone that he had a new girlfriend when I didn't know, while I was at work trying to concentrate and couldn't fight back my tears, how he had pics of them on the beach (the same one where he first verbally abused me, trying to cover up?) while I was A MESS etc etc
YOU DO NOT NEED any gossip or anything. It is better not knowing. As Barb said I think, "as soon as he open their mouth, I assume he is telling a lie". Life is easier this way. And its true.
It is sad, but ppl like that, ALWAYS end up alone. The lies cannot sustain themselves. They will never do. Unless in active recovery, they are the same ppl, just with different "victims". I am sure you already knew this but I like to be reminded often, because sometimes they are so convincing you think YOU ARE THE ONE WHO "LOST" or you were making things up.
You are a very accomplished woman, congratulations on your great marks at school!!
Yes, block his stuff and if you receive anything by any chance, delete it without viewing.
Go back to your town and live your life as he didn't exist. Tough, I know. But its possible, although physically the scenario is the same one, I have felt so great now creating my Alternate Reality where he is less and less important.. always remember that YOU ALWAYS GET TO DECIDE how you want to feel any given moment.. and you can create a good life for yourself, where you are now, in your hometown or in Mars.. *(sometimes I wish I was there lol)
Ask common friends/family NOT to talk about him. Ever. If they insist, find other friends that can TAKE YOUR FEELINGS INTO ACCOUNT and know you may be sensitive to those comments.
It was hell when everybody (even the janitor, LOL) told me about how they had seen him with the new girlfriend in the offices, how he had all his Facebook full of loving notes, a "friend" telling me OUT OF THE BLUE by phone that he had a new girlfriend when I didn't know, while I was at work trying to concentrate and couldn't fight back my tears, how he had pics of them on the beach (the same one where he first verbally abused me, trying to cover up?) while I was A MESS etc etc
YOU DO NOT NEED any gossip or anything. It is better not knowing. As Barb said I think, "as soon as he open their mouth, I assume he is telling a lie". Life is easier this way. And its true.
It is sad, but ppl like that, ALWAYS end up alone. The lies cannot sustain themselves. They will never do. Unless in active recovery, they are the same ppl, just with different "victims". I am sure you already knew this but I like to be reminded often, because sometimes they are so convincing you think YOU ARE THE ONE WHO "LOST" or you were making things up.
You are a very accomplished woman, congratulations on your great marks at school!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ahh, great feeling, when you know: what they think or what they don't think, if they believe their own lies or not, if others believe them or not, if they go out with anyone or not, if they marry or not, if they say they are the happiest person alive when they are miserable inside, or if they are really "happy" because they are drinking without end; if they take drugs or not or abuse or not and if others will put up or not with their BS... NONE OF THAT has anything to do with you... it has everything to do with them. And it always gets worse.
Its refreshing thanks for reminding me I am out of that madness. I am glad you are, too. ((hugs))
Its refreshing
thanks for reminding me I am out of that madness. I am glad you are, too. ((hugs))
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Wow, it's almost like watching another human being unknowingly enter the same path so many of us have walked. So bizarre, it's like a time warp. Most of us have been on that path for so long that when we got here, we were absolutely miserable and ready for a change. Sad to know this new woman's future is fairly predictable and I'm sooooooo glad that's not you. I'd relish in the fact that his poison is no longer effecting you and I think you should keep it that way. Block his email if you have to. You've no doubt taken more than your fair share of drama from him. You don't have to take any of it anymore. Nope, he's all hers. Judging from her emails to you, she's already being effected by the battering self-esteem game. Uck, ick, stay away. You did your time. Now be free!
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Thanks all. I needed a boost. Just finished my mid-term take home exam. All I can say is that the anti-anxiety meds work wonders for all forms of anxiety. I was mellow as I took it. (Although, I might need another when I get the score back).
Dreamer, I hope you don't mean that OW and I share traits. Aside from both of us being tall, she and I are nothing a like. L is her 4th fiance and she has cheated on the previous three, walking out right before the weddings. He cheated on me, so they have cheating on fiances/soon to be fiances in common.
I hope that I can laugh about this someday. Today, is not that day. The irony and drama is incredible. I wish I could write. Plenty of info for a book.
Dreamer, I hope you don't mean that OW and I share traits. Aside from both of us being tall, she and I are nothing a like. L is her 4th fiance and she has cheated on the previous three, walking out right before the weddings. He cheated on me, so they have cheating on fiances/soon to be fiances in common.
I hope that I can laugh about this someday. Today, is not that day. The irony and drama is incredible. I wish I could write. Plenty of info for a book.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Missfixit!
Sorry. I should have been more clear. I meant "they" as in, the alcoholics we have met.
Lying to cover up their stuff... c'mon.. be original!
I wish I could do more for you MissFixIt. I agree that alcoholics get to joion rehabs, and zoom out from their life, while we do not have the magic potion that solves everything, and handle job, home, sometimes kids, while going through this %#@@$^$@ rollercoaster. Alone.
Its an heroic effort and you are doing very well! Hope you work on your relation with HP. Sometimes faith is all I need, when things seem unsurmountable, the pain too big.
This too shall pass.
(((MissFixIt)))
Sorry. I should have been more clear. I meant "they" as in, the alcoholics we have met.
Lying to cover up their stuff... c'mon.. be original!
I wish I could do more for you MissFixIt. I agree that alcoholics get to joion rehabs, and zoom out from their life, while we do not have the magic potion that solves everything, and handle job, home, sometimes kids, while going through this %#@@$^$@ rollercoaster. Alone.
Its an heroic effort and you are doing very well! Hope you work on your relation with HP. Sometimes faith is all I need, when things seem unsurmountable, the pain too big.
This too shall pass.
(((MissFixIt)))
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