Boundary test and poor friend
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Boundary test and poor friend
This has been a tough weekend.
I invited my friend Marie to stay with me and my two children. She came with her AB, their restless and mobile 10-month old, and their large humping labrador.
I should have known that my boundary setting skills would be tested, as they announced they would arrive at midnight; they claimed that they could could only travel while their baby slept. I value my sleep and I allowed this late arrival, as I really wanted to see Marie after so many years. They actually arrived at 1 AM, waking up the entire household, which was an inconvenience for us, as we had to get up at 6:30 AM to get ready for school, etc.
As the weekend progressed, I could tell that the AB was arrogant, selfish, and what I believe was emotionally abusive to Marie. I felt nervous, angry, and stressed watching them interact. Marie had trouble coping with her baby (due to what I saw as depression) and called the AB -- every minute that he wasn't sleeping off a hangover -- to help with diaper changes, etc. I sensed a power struggle combined with his lack of respect for her, putting her down all the time.
But in the end, it seemed to me that she was dealing with the child more than he was. But he was dictating how the baby should be fed, etc...
The fact is she is a successful and award winning architect who is supporting their family with her single income. He, on the other hand, has a PR company that only makes losses. He makes her feel guilty for working so much and for not spending enough time with their baby. But she is paying the nanny bills. And, I think she is avoiding her home life. Been there done that.
I suspect he is abusive, because she told me that he is involved in all aspects of her work and life, but she knows nothing about his work and life. I see her giving up all her power to him, and he claims he cannot make money because he is so busy dealing with her life. She says she doesn't see the work that he claims he does. She questions her vision of reality. I've been there before, and it's a horrible place to be.
The part that involves me is that I had these people in my house the whole weekend, and I was uncomfortable. Their dog threw up, they were messy, their child was crawling everywhere and touching all my stuff. I learned a big lesson: to set boundaries with old friends.
Then came last night. I booked them a babysitter (a wonderful woman who was capable of dealing with all three of our children), and we went out to dinner. The AB drank a huge amount of alcohol at the restaurant, and when it was time to go home, wouldn't relinquish the keys to the car. I made the mistake of getting in the car with them, and the ride home scared me to death. He drove 80 km in a 40 km zone. I kept picturing my daughter's friends from school popping out from behind a dark corner and getting hit (pretty impossible considering it was midnight) by our car. I felt guilty and horrible that I let him drive.
I just can't stand being with them today. I left them for most of the day and tonight I got angry because the AB broke one of my favorite clay bowls. I can't wait for them to leave. I will never, never allow this again.
How do I help my friend? She has lost weight and looks completely exhausted. She says she has thought about separation on many occasions but is afraid that he will get angry and cause her legal and money problems. He is too involved in every detail of her life. Doesn't he sound like an abuser? I know that this is not my life, but I wish I could say something that might help her.
I invited my friend Marie to stay with me and my two children. She came with her AB, their restless and mobile 10-month old, and their large humping labrador.
I should have known that my boundary setting skills would be tested, as they announced they would arrive at midnight; they claimed that they could could only travel while their baby slept. I value my sleep and I allowed this late arrival, as I really wanted to see Marie after so many years. They actually arrived at 1 AM, waking up the entire household, which was an inconvenience for us, as we had to get up at 6:30 AM to get ready for school, etc.
As the weekend progressed, I could tell that the AB was arrogant, selfish, and what I believe was emotionally abusive to Marie. I felt nervous, angry, and stressed watching them interact. Marie had trouble coping with her baby (due to what I saw as depression) and called the AB -- every minute that he wasn't sleeping off a hangover -- to help with diaper changes, etc. I sensed a power struggle combined with his lack of respect for her, putting her down all the time.
But in the end, it seemed to me that she was dealing with the child more than he was. But he was dictating how the baby should be fed, etc...
The fact is she is a successful and award winning architect who is supporting their family with her single income. He, on the other hand, has a PR company that only makes losses. He makes her feel guilty for working so much and for not spending enough time with their baby. But she is paying the nanny bills. And, I think she is avoiding her home life. Been there done that.
I suspect he is abusive, because she told me that he is involved in all aspects of her work and life, but she knows nothing about his work and life. I see her giving up all her power to him, and he claims he cannot make money because he is so busy dealing with her life. She says she doesn't see the work that he claims he does. She questions her vision of reality. I've been there before, and it's a horrible place to be.
The part that involves me is that I had these people in my house the whole weekend, and I was uncomfortable. Their dog threw up, they were messy, their child was crawling everywhere and touching all my stuff. I learned a big lesson: to set boundaries with old friends.
Then came last night. I booked them a babysitter (a wonderful woman who was capable of dealing with all three of our children), and we went out to dinner. The AB drank a huge amount of alcohol at the restaurant, and when it was time to go home, wouldn't relinquish the keys to the car. I made the mistake of getting in the car with them, and the ride home scared me to death. He drove 80 km in a 40 km zone. I kept picturing my daughter's friends from school popping out from behind a dark corner and getting hit (pretty impossible considering it was midnight) by our car. I felt guilty and horrible that I let him drive.
I just can't stand being with them today. I left them for most of the day and tonight I got angry because the AB broke one of my favorite clay bowls. I can't wait for them to leave. I will never, never allow this again.
How do I help my friend? She has lost weight and looks completely exhausted. She says she has thought about separation on many occasions but is afraid that he will get angry and cause her legal and money problems. He is too involved in every detail of her life. Doesn't he sound like an abuser? I know that this is not my life, but I wish I could say something that might help her.
Last edited by mamaplus2kids; 03-22-2009 at 02:14 PM. Reason: mis-spelling
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
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Yes, he does sound abusive to me. Having dealt with similar, I'd bet she doesn't see it as abuse yet.
Nothing much you can do mama, as you know. How about print her out a list of Al-anon meetings in her area? She could go during her lunch hour when he's not around and the baby is being taken care of.
Nothing much you can do mama, as you know. How about print her out a list of Al-anon meetings in her area? She could go during her lunch hour when he's not around and the baby is being taken care of.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Thank you for your advice. They left this morning and I am totally relieved. I am mad at myself for being so weak with my boundaries. Why couldn't I have said "no" to getting into that car with that drunk?
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
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Maybe you didn't want to make her life more miserable by setting him off. I know what you're saying, but it's the past now so stop kicking yourself, and promise you'll never do it again 
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hi mama!
i hope your friend wakes up soon! i cannot understand how a man can make a succesful woman feel inferior in so many ways. it makes me angry!!
i know how it is like to argue with a drunk man obsessed with driving their own car and not giving a damn. i am glad nothing happened. your HP took care of you.
i bet you feel relief now and i hope you enjoy your peaceful life now. sadly you cannot do much for her, but offer your friendship and suggest individual therapy.
i hope your friend wakes up soon! i cannot understand how a man can make a succesful woman feel inferior in so many ways. it makes me angry!!
i know how it is like to argue with a drunk man obsessed with driving their own car and not giving a damn. i am glad nothing happened. your HP took care of you.
i bet you feel relief now and i hope you enjoy your peaceful life now. sadly you cannot do much for her, but offer your friendship and suggest individual therapy.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Before she left, I gave her a print-out of all Al-Anon meetings in her city as well as the Al-Anon questionnaire. But I had to do so quietly so that he wouldn't know what I was doing. Then, I ordered two Melodie Beatie books from Amazon.com to be sent to her office. Hopefully, she will unwrap them before he does!! She was a bit angry when she left, because I, at this point, had been unable to hide my anger towards him. I hope she gets him out of her life before she self-destructs.
Last edited by mamaplus2kids; 03-23-2009 at 11:16 AM. Reason: grammar
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 242
I want to send her an email or SMS telling her that I couldn't handle being with her ABF because he reminded too much of my ex-AH, whom I allowed to abuse me for years to the point that I became depressed and without an ounce of self-worth. I want to tell her I am there for her, but I am afraid he will read it, delete it, use it against her, etc. Should I send such a message? I agree with MissFixit that I will probably get a negative reaction, but I care about the long-term.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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IMHO, NO!
Nothing in writing if he will use it against you or her, especially if he is an abuser. You will be out of their lives.
That is the type of thing you might talk to her about in person over coffee or tea alone without others listening in.
Nothing in writing if he will use it against you or her, especially if he is an abuser. You will be out of their lives.
That is the type of thing you might talk to her about in person over coffee or tea alone without others listening in.
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