is my partner an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2
is my partner an alcoholic
hi i'm new here and time is precious as my oh will be back soon. so briefly i think my oh is an alcoholic, when we met 3 years ago i still liked a drink so perhaps didn't notice it but since giving up due to be pregnant and not starting again i have really noticed how dependant he seems on alcohol. whilst i was pg he would drink 12 cans a night and although never agressive was basically oblivious to any of my basic needs. i blew up at one point and he has since cut down, however, he now only has 4 cans usually 4x a week but he drinks each one down in one go and i'm sure he sneaks more in when he can, when our baby was 7 wks old i asked him to look after her as i was exhausted, i had expressed some milk, anyhow i went to bed came down at around 1am and he was blasted asleep on sofa with baby lying on him with a blanket over her head, needless to say i don't really trust him now. he is constantly miserable and it is hard to hold a proper conversation with him, drinking or not. he hardly does anything with the kids, we have 3 btwn us and i'm sick of asking as i get filthy looks and lies thrown at me. he seems to me now like he has lost his heart, that he is really only concerned with his welfare. he has also got us into endless amount of debt and i have been trying to sort all this out he has not helped at all and often criticised my efforts, if he gets hold of the bank card he buys beer.
does this sound like an alcolholic?
thanx katie xx
does this sound like an alcolholic?
thanx katie xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
WELCOME!!
I can understand your concern, and i does sound like your partner has some issues with alcohol. Only he can say for sure though if he is an alcoholic. Meanwhile, you need to care for yourself and your children in the best way possible. And start thinking about what kind of lifestyle you want.
One suggestion. If you have not done so already look for an alanon meeting near you...for yourself. This is a group of people who have friends or family memebers with alcohol issues. You will be amazed to find that there are others who are struggling with the very same issue that you are! Good Luck!
I can understand your concern, and i does sound like your partner has some issues with alcohol. Only he can say for sure though if he is an alcoholic. Meanwhile, you need to care for yourself and your children in the best way possible. And start thinking about what kind of lifestyle you want.
One suggestion. If you have not done so already look for an alanon meeting near you...for yourself. This is a group of people who have friends or family memebers with alcohol issues. You will be amazed to find that there are others who are struggling with the very same issue that you are! Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Well, there are 2 schools of thought when it comes to identifying someone other than oneself as an alcoholic:
School 1: It is unacceptable (and counts as taking someone's inventory) to label anyone an alcoholic who has not self-identified as one; and
School: 2: If if looks like a duck and it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then, yeah, it's a duck.
Personally, I attend school 2 and believe strongly that there are certain behaviors, a preponderance of which in any given individual, makes it accurate and truthful to say that that person is an alcoholic. But, then again, I also happen to believe that the first step in dealing with any problem effectively is being able to recognize it, name it, and speak truthfully and openly about it.
All that aside, why are you asking? I mean, it sounds to me like you are seeing a-whole-lot of behavior from this person that is causing you concern, affecting you negatively, and scaring you. It seems to me like maybe it would be a better use of your time and energy to be asking some questions about whether or not you want this kind of behavior in your and your child's life and what you might need/be able to do to take care of yourself and your child in light of the fact that this is how your child's father is choosing to behave.
..and, yes, Al Anon meetings could definitely help you in answering those last questions....
freya
School 1: It is unacceptable (and counts as taking someone's inventory) to label anyone an alcoholic who has not self-identified as one; and
School: 2: If if looks like a duck and it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then, yeah, it's a duck.
Personally, I attend school 2 and believe strongly that there are certain behaviors, a preponderance of which in any given individual, makes it accurate and truthful to say that that person is an alcoholic. But, then again, I also happen to believe that the first step in dealing with any problem effectively is being able to recognize it, name it, and speak truthfully and openly about it.
All that aside, why are you asking? I mean, it sounds to me like you are seeing a-whole-lot of behavior from this person that is causing you concern, affecting you negatively, and scaring you. It seems to me like maybe it would be a better use of your time and energy to be asking some questions about whether or not you want this kind of behavior in your and your child's life and what you might need/be able to do to take care of yourself and your child in light of the fact that this is how your child's father is choosing to behave.
..and, yes, Al Anon meetings could definitely help you in answering those last questions....
freya
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2
hi thanx for your replies,
i suppose the reason i'd like to think he is an alcoholic because then there is the hope that he could be a nicer person, he was horrid all wkend, he isn't even loud or abusive as such but grumpy, lazy, sarcastic, mean then this morning he looked quite ashamed of himself and i feel sorry for him, i don't know`why, i suppose cause i'm too soft and i loved/love him. i'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but its going to be very hard setting up on my own as i've no savings and neither has he cause he has got so much debt so i'm not even sure how i could get a deposit etc for a house, i did consider changing all the locks and chucking him out but the tenancy is in his name?
thanx again.
katie xx
i suppose the reason i'd like to think he is an alcoholic because then there is the hope that he could be a nicer person, he was horrid all wkend, he isn't even loud or abusive as such but grumpy, lazy, sarcastic, mean then this morning he looked quite ashamed of himself and i feel sorry for him, i don't know`why, i suppose cause i'm too soft and i loved/love him. i'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but its going to be very hard setting up on my own as i've no savings and neither has he cause he has got so much debt so i'm not even sure how i could get a deposit etc for a house, i did consider changing all the locks and chucking him out but the tenancy is in his name?
thanx again.
katie xx
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Hi Katie,
does it really matter whether he is an alcoholic or not?
His behavior is rude, crude, upsetting and disrespectful to you, and living with that c**p is not healthy for you, or the children.
If he is not an alcoholic and is just a selfish, rude and bad tempered pain in the butt, what are your options?
Stay and go on as is? Counseling? Try and change him? Hope he grows up sometime? Leave him?
If he is an alcoholic, what are your options?
All of the above options. Push him to get and stay sober? Stay as long as it takes and hope HE gets help and gets sober?
Dearie, you are between a rock and a hard place, and really the only changes you have the power to make are in YOURSELF.
You need to decide, with or without help, what you can accept for you and your children and go from there.
I do so feel for you and have you in my prayers.
God bless
does it really matter whether he is an alcoholic or not?
His behavior is rude, crude, upsetting and disrespectful to you, and living with that c**p is not healthy for you, or the children.
If he is not an alcoholic and is just a selfish, rude and bad tempered pain in the butt, what are your options?
Stay and go on as is? Counseling? Try and change him? Hope he grows up sometime? Leave him?
If he is an alcoholic, what are your options?
All of the above options. Push him to get and stay sober? Stay as long as it takes and hope HE gets help and gets sober?
Dearie, you are between a rock and a hard place, and really the only changes you have the power to make are in YOURSELF.
You need to decide, with or without help, what you can accept for you and your children and go from there.
I do so feel for you and have you in my prayers.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
personally, i feel it is very important to know whether a partner is alcoholic or not, and i think you'd do well to read a couple of books about the disease, and see if lights go off in your head. usually when the spouse reads a detailed description of the alcoholic personality and behavior, she gasps and says "my God, that's HIM."
the reason i believe the truth is so important is because the usual routes to addressing marriage issues....such as heart to heart talks, marriage counseling, more dates, more sex, etc....NEVER work with an addict.
plenty of marriages are marred by selfish, bad, lazy, unethical behavior.......and they can be improved by mutual work to solve the problems and resentments.
but never with an addict. never.
so if you know thr truth for sure, you'll probably know for sure what you have to do.
my vote is that he's an alcoholic. but it would be best if you read a few books for yourself to see what you think.
you can find "getting them sober" online. that's always a good start because it is very specific about the behaviors of the addict within a marriage.
wishing you clarity. take care.
the reason i believe the truth is so important is because the usual routes to addressing marriage issues....such as heart to heart talks, marriage counseling, more dates, more sex, etc....NEVER work with an addict.
plenty of marriages are marred by selfish, bad, lazy, unethical behavior.......and they can be improved by mutual work to solve the problems and resentments.
but never with an addict. never.
so if you know thr truth for sure, you'll probably know for sure what you have to do.
my vote is that he's an alcoholic. but it would be best if you read a few books for yourself to see what you think.
you can find "getting them sober" online. that's always a good start because it is very specific about the behaviors of the addict within a marriage.
wishing you clarity. take care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Originally Posted by kblake 
hi thanx for your replies,
i suppose the reason i'd like to think he is an alcoholic because then there is the hope that he could be a nicer person,
i suppose the reason i'd like to think he is an alcoholic because then there is the hope that he could be a nicer person,
Your husband sounds like a carbon copy of my ex. I lived 7 years of hell, and I am still trying to forgive myself for having put myself and my children through such a destructive and chaotic time.
Just know, that the lazy, arrogant and mean person you are dealing with now will only get worse. Read all you can about addiction with the sole goal of protecting yourself from: lies, manipulation, control, violence, and abuse. The day will come when you will be able to feel compassion for the man, but this is only possible when you are in a safe place.
I feel for you. It is heartbreaking to be in this situation. You are not alone. So many people are going through (and have gone through) exactly the same thing. Go to Al-Anon, get support, figure out how to live independently from this person.
PS I have noticed one common thread: addicts like to keep their spouses pregnant and/or with small children. This way they can continue to control the spouses and behave as they like. They feel threatened by the spouse who starts to come out of the after-birth fog and demands more for herself and her family. Just know that this is common. Once you recognize this, it will be easier for you to make decisions.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
yes, i have also noticed that alcoholics often pressure spouses to keep having children....i agree that it is an unconscious way to trap the spouse into staying in the marriage and maintaining control over the spouse so nothing changes and the enabling continues.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 9
Hi guys,
I don't want to hijack Katie's thread, but I can see why she asked the question. My former therapist seemed to think all of this was black and white, but what if you have a partner who fits many of the attributes of an alcoholic, but not all? The therapist said that alcoholics always escalate, and his drinking has stayed constant for years on end. And yes, there are behavior issues that bother me even if alcohol was out of the equation, but like bluejay, I think it matters whether or not he's actually an alcoholic, treatment of our marital issues would be completely different if we could work on the problems together, or whether that's just not possible for him because he's an alcoholic. I really wish that it was clear-cut in his case, it might make a decision to leave easier...
I don't want to hijack Katie's thread, but I can see why she asked the question. My former therapist seemed to think all of this was black and white, but what if you have a partner who fits many of the attributes of an alcoholic, but not all? The therapist said that alcoholics always escalate, and his drinking has stayed constant for years on end. And yes, there are behavior issues that bother me even if alcohol was out of the equation, but like bluejay, I think it matters whether or not he's actually an alcoholic, treatment of our marital issues would be completely different if we could work on the problems together, or whether that's just not possible for him because he's an alcoholic. I really wish that it was clear-cut in his case, it might make a decision to leave easier...
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
The label doesn't make a lick of difference, another label. Alcoholism, alcohol addiction, alcohol abuse, substance abuse, alcohol dependency, heavy drinking, problem drinking.. There's a disease model, that is ancient, and I find it an easy thing to use both for the "alcoholic" (I cant' help it I have a disease...) and the SO, (he can't help it, he has a disease!) to use as an excuse of behavior and continued dependency. Seriously. I've been on both sides.. and the bottom line is, why waste time trying to define it, maybe spend time on taking care of yourself and your children. I don't personally believe in the disease model but I'm sure there's a jillion threads about that.. the thing is, if he/she/whoever wants to quit, they'll find a way, and not a moment sooner. Unfortunately many never get to the "wanting" part.. it can never be forced.
Oh, and Ser.. I was dependent on alcohol. I didn't drink more or less for many many years, until suddenly I did, and it was almost too late to save my life. I don't care what I'm called.. alcoholic? no.. that's like telling someone who takes a lot of aspirin because they have constant headaches an aspirinaholic. Lets look at the headache, fix that, and they wont need the aspirin, and would likely not be suffering from aspirinism.
Oh, and Ser.. I was dependent on alcohol. I didn't drink more or less for many many years, until suddenly I did, and it was almost too late to save my life. I don't care what I'm called.. alcoholic? no.. that's like telling someone who takes a lot of aspirin because they have constant headaches an aspirinaholic. Lets look at the headache, fix that, and they wont need the aspirin, and would likely not be suffering from aspirinism.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Bluejay, you might find Prentiss' work interesting if not anything else, since you mention reading.. that's where the aspirin analogy comes from. It's in the book The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure (which is a play on words, he doesn't believe in a cure, and never uses the terms 'alcoholic' or 'addict', or 'alcoholism').
Just so ya know.. might be helpful.. it's a nice fresh perspective and finally when I read it, as a person dependent on alcohol to an almost fatal level.. something finally made sense.. just my .02 !
Just so ya know.. might be helpful.. it's a nice fresh perspective and finally when I read it, as a person dependent on alcohol to an almost fatal level.. something finally made sense.. just my .02 !
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