Aysha

Back in 96 I was pregnant and living with my then BF and our room mate.
I remember sitting in my room all preg and tired and this girl just comes busting in my room all cheery and happy and bouncy. She says" Hi ..I'm ....."
I never seen this chick before. I was like WTF are you doin just walkin in my room like that for? She apologized and left. I mean do you know how to knock?
Well I guess she was the GF of one of my Bf's friends. I forgot her real name.

anyway. She had come over several times after that. And she was just one of those people that have that high pitch happy voices. Way way too happy personality. I mean like a psychotic cheerleader. I couldnt take her for long. She got annoying after a little while.

Well..fast forward a few years. And there I am hangin in the streets. And I meet this girl named Cammy. She is just the most pitiful thing I had seen in a long time. I felt so bad for her. She just looked and acted so beaten. She had truly givnen up on herslf and was just killing herself slowly with the pipe. This girl didnt care about anything. She did some crazy things that I wouldnt even do. She would dare people to hurt or try and kill her. As long as she had her drugs she didnt care about nothing. And still when she did have her drugs..She still didnt care.
This girl come to find out was the same girl that use to come to my house back in the day. Yea..The super happy one. I was floored when I found this out. I mean it was like mind blowing. I didnt believe it. She didnt even look the same. Most definately didnt act the same. She has always stuck in my mind. To this day more than 10 yrs later I dont thinkn I have ever seen anyone transform the way she did. It really breaks my heart. It was so sad to see her like that.

I dont know what ever happened to her.

I mention this because of how I have been here lately.
I am far from that happy. But I am not a depressing person either. And rarely stay down like I have for long.
I dont want to ever end up like that. Looking into that girls eyes was just an empty shell. Literally. Nothing there. No emotion. No nothing.
I watched that girl go from full of life to the lowest of lows I think a person can go in their soul.
I dont want to ever give up like that. Its not a pretty place to be..
And honestly...I dont think alot of people come back from that.

Anyway..Just wanted to share.

ADayAtATime

Thanks for sharing Chiy!!!
Made me think of how easily we can lose ourselves if we're not careful.
Hugs to you my friend. :ghug3
XOXO

penny74

There is a very thin line between being a 'normal' person and a homeless drunk.
It doesn't take so very much to push you over the edge.

least

Just goes to show that no one is immune from a decent into hell. It can happen to any of us, even someone as terminally cheerful as that lost soul used to be. Makes me value my sobriety even more.

:ghug3

Aysha

Not just that..But the will to keep trying.
I do believe when you just fully give up and stop even trying a little bit. Thats when you are in trouble.
I have seen it many times. I even been there a few times myself. But not to the degree she did.
She had a beautiful house she owned. A brand new car. I mean this girl had it goin on. And when I saw her out there. She had nothing. Homeless. Going from place to place. Wherever she finally crashed was where she stayed.

I really felt low these past few weeks. I mean I havent felt that low in a long time. And I dont think it has ever taken me this long to pull out of it. It scared me.
I dont want to give up. I dont want to just exist anymore.
Things have got to change. I have to make them change.
Most of all..I have to stay commited. I cant half step this anymore.
There are no more second chances for me. I have lost so much over the years. But not until this last time have I started to lose my family.
Thats something I cant replace.
Jobs, money, cars, all that stuff can be replaced.
I only have one family. And I am not willing to risk losing them.

stone

I think you feeling so low this time is a good thing Trish. If we don't suffer we won't change, and some of us are more stubborn than others, like me and you. Pride and bounce-backability hold us back from changing, we need to be beaten.

Good song by the way.

change4penny

Wow! Reading this just gave me chills! I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine/crack addict, 177 days clean. That's the kind of girl I was...happy, cheerful, I had everything. But, being that way was how I hid all the pain inside...and it was also how I hid my addiction for so long. Until the last year...I didn't care who knew I was an addict, I didn't try to hide it. I became completely self-destructive and was on a certain path to death. When I'd look at myself in the mirror, I didn't recognize the person staring back...I'd become a shell of the person I once was. I know that had I not gotten help when I did, I would be dead.
I was so sick of living the way I was...chasing that high, that I had to make a decision to either check myself into rehab and live, or continue on the path that I was on and die.
Only by the grace of God, did I pick up the phone and make that call that saved my life. I'm so blessed to be where I am right now...It's truly a miracle!

prettypoison

Me too OzSandy -- my sister is lost as well.

Chiy I know what you mean. My sister is addicted to crack and doesn't look or sound anything like her former self. She has given up as you say. She used to be one of the prettiest girls in high school. Now she looks 10 years older than her real age and has dental problems, she's way too thin and doesn't laugh -- instead she looks empty in her eyes like the girl you described. Never give up -- that's the message I'm taking from this. Just don't ever give up.

ANGELINA243

Gee--I remember what that was like--the ugly side/downward spiral of addiction. I can remember staring at myself in the mirror--and seeing my eyes..looked so "empty" and yes, that look of hopelessness and complete nothingness was definitely there. I don't want to go back to that. Thanks for sharing.

coffeenut

Thanks for the post, Chiy. We need to remember that part of addiction...the part you can't come back from.

AlkalikeH

Thanks for sharing Chinita. Awesomely hearth-breaking post.

Sending some love and some strength your way.