needhelpindenve

I need help. My partner (gay male) is a meth user. I'm unsure of the frequency, but I have only recently found out he used to use it regularly. I have found the evidence of use perhaps 6 times in the past 5 months, but this is only what I've found. He emphatically denies using it when confronted.

I myself have never taken any illegal drug, and do not want to be with an addict. I've been promised time and time again that he will get help, but then he'll use again. I've been stressed, am searching his things constantly and monitoring where he goes and what he does - and I don't want to be like this. I've read a lot of people saying meth users are theives, this is one thing he is not. But he is a liar of mamoth proportions, nothing is ever the truth or at best, it's perhaps 1/4 truth, but there's always something else.

It's stressed me out more than I've been stressed in my life, I can't concentrate on work, on my own life, my friends are asking me what is wrong - I hate this drug with a passion and don't understand why an intelligent, good looking person would involve themselves with this and the despicable people who sell it. Please, I need to talk to someone who's experienced a similar situation. Thankyou.

Done_With_It

Meth doesn't know any boundaries, at first it feels like a miracle drug come true, it fills you up, gives you energy, confidence, makes your life Perfect.
A good looking person becomes Brad Pitt, all your problems gone in an instant. What else or who else can do that for you in 20 seconds?
It doesn't matter who gives you the drug, and the dealers are usually awesome at first, my guy was driving a 100,000 car giving me free stuff and he was my friend, in the end he was in a beat up car threatening me with a gun.
You don't find out the truth about meth until it has you hooked.
They call it the devils drug,

Check out this post also,

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2156984

it explains what meth does to your brain pretty well, once you try and stop, your stuck.

Meth was my doc. it is a nightmare, but I finally quit. but he won't quit until he's done, when you still like it, when you still want to do it, nothing or no one will stop you.

Welcome to SR!

:ghug2

firestorm090

One of the biggest problems that arise in relationships with alcoholics or drug addicts is that the nonuser thinks he/she is still involved with their partner while the partner is still using or drinking. That's not the case. If your partner is using drugs, you are involved with the drug. You are not dealing with the same person, you are now dealing with a person under the influence of a mind-altering substance, which in fact changes the person because the mind is not the same. It's the Jekyll/Hyde effect.

One of the first things I would suggest is that you cease any efforts that involve searching his things. Why do that, when all you can achieve is to confirm your suspicions? At that stage, trust has skipped town, gone bye-bye. Why invade his privacy only to confirm what you already suspect? That's what is called stooping to his level. Chances are, if he is a full-blown addict, you already know what's going on, it's just hard to accept. Accept it, regardless of how tough it is. The truth is the truth.

Your choices at this time are limited, you either move on or you can hope he changes. That's it. Sorry to be so blunt, but that really is the way it is with alcoholics and addicts, and I am an alcoholic, so I know. If I could remember all the lies I've told during my use of alcohol, I could write a best-seller. It's pathetic, but it's true. You are another casualty of his use, and he will only change when the consequences of his use become greater than his willingness to use. That's really the bottom line.

flutter

Addiction does not discriminate based on looks OR intelligence. Sorry to hear that you're going through this.. he wont stop until he's ready, I guess the question is, can you live this way until he's done (if ever..?)

Not to be a doomsayer, I really hope this turns around for you guys down the road, and I think as already suggested the Friends and Family Forum will provide you with a wealth of information, similar stories, support..

Good luck!

flutter

Thank you for saying everything I was thinking! ditto

lostheart

If he does not want to get help it will never get better only worse. I am speaking from experience with my partner. We are a lesbian couple and she was into alcohol and meth. Her weekends were about where the next party is and who was going to be there. She stayed out all night whether i went or not but i was expected to stay home.

We split for 3yrs and she went hard core into meth during that time and also got busted and was forced into recovery or jail. She is glad that it took place that way but.....

She is now a recovering addict clean and sober for a year and it is just as hard now b/c it all revolves around her still. We are together again b/c i thought if she could get clean i could try it again b/c i never stopped loving her, but it is hard.

With her it is as if i have to stop living my life and revolve it around what may or may not trigger her into relapse.

She knew that i liked to go with my mom dancing once in a while, and was okay with that, until she moved back in with me. Now it is disrespectful and i don't love her if i go. i have not gone since she moved in with me in Feb. and the last time i went was the weekend after Halloween. I don't go alot, but she was going to go to her moms Fri night and i was invited out with mine. She was going to leave me if i went b/c that is disrespectful to her and i don't love her if i can't stay sober when she is gone. I am expected to sit at home and wait on her, not much different from before.

You have to come first to be happy!!!!!!!! that is in either situations. I am not an expert by no means but on this site i am getting alot of helpful feedback. I would suggest that you keep asking and visiting with us, i am.

lostheart

Truth is hard and hurts. He is going to continue to use and you are going to continue to suffer and enable. You have to make a choice that is right for your well being. You have to love yourself to say enough is enough. Draw the line and don't cross it over and over again. He knows that you are always going to be his safety net and you are being just that.

confusediniowa

Wow. I am beside myself. If I didn't know better, I could swear that we are the exact same person. Everything you said is spot on with my situation.
I have known my partner for around 10 years. We have been together now for almost 2 years. We were always great friends, and in the past we both smoked a lot of pot. Thankfully that is out of my life now. We had a stretch of almost 3 years where we went are separate ways and had no contact after an argument, but reunited after the death of a close friend and have been together since.
I have always known of his meth addiction, but honestly thought that that was behind him too. Soon after we reconnected is when things started showing themselves. He has never really had a fair shot at being clean from the get go form what he has told me from his youth. Both of his parents used. His mother stopped after having breast cancer, but his stepfather still uses and at times supplies his habit. He has a younger sister that, that he loves to death, that still lives in the house and frequently goes to see her and sometimes takes her out for coffee or whatever just to get her away from there for a while. He swears that she has no idea about what goes on in the house, but I really have a hard time seeing that. The only things that his stepfather and he have in common is that the both work on computers and they are both meth addicts. When he is not seeing his sister, he will sometimes go over there to work with his stepfather. I have always noticed that whenever he comes home from there though, he stays up all night. Obviously I know why (he normally is in bed by 11pm) but there is nothing I can say about it. He has a VERY short temper and I end up having to walk on eggshells for a day or so after.
He has been in and out of prison multiple times for various reasons since his teens and all related to meth. If not for the meth itself, then for ways to get meth ie: fraud, forgery.... Adding to everything else, he does not have a car or a job. He has had jobs in the past, but never can seen to keep them for too long. Because of the prison time, he thinks there are no jobs that will hire him, so looks for places that don't do background checks or that pay under the table. I know that I am part to blame for this as well as I do have a car and let him use it and I do have a job and pay all the bills. I am an enabler i guess when it comes right down to it.
A little over a year ago right before Christmas, he just disappeared. He left while I was at work and took several electronics from the house. Turns out he went to Oklahoma to stay with some friends for a bit to get away from the meth. Or so he said. When he came back around, he had most of the goods he took with him, but not all. He said that he used them to pawn for gas. He did not take my car on this trip by the way, he was buying a truck from a coworker at the place he was working at. I say "buying" but really he just made one payment and got the title so he could get plates on it, but put the truck in his name and had no money or plans to finish paying. Needless to say, he doesn't have that truck any longer.
There have been several times when he just vanishes for a day or days at a time when he is off on one of his binges. I keep taking him back. Many many many people have told me how stupid I am for this, and sometimes I wonder myself why I do it. The truth is, I can't explain what it is about him but I just remember the person he was before. The person he was when he was not using.
He has said that he has tried treatment 4 times before, but it has never worked. I personally have not known him to be in treatment, so I don't know if this is even true. When he took off for that week with the electronics I called the cops. They said first that since we lived together there was no way to prove that he did anything wrong. I told them the situation and asked if there was a way to force him into an inpatient treatment program or something, but again, they said there was nothing they could do.
I guess that the main reason that I do so much for him is that he really doesn't have a lot of options. With no job, what would he do? Where would he live? The only people that he really knows that may give him a roof are his dealers, using buddies, or his parents-- stepfather = user. I feel that I am the only place where he is safe from it. I give and give and try to make things comfortable and calm and happy so he won't feel the need to use, but meth is stronger than my efforts and he always returns to it.
Well, I have taken up too much of your time as I tend to ramble on. LOL

Just know that you are not alone and that there are others in your same situation. Feel free to contact me anytime.:ghug
Mark

gneiss

Right. Couldn't have said it better myself. Here we have two of you, first posting on the same day and in the same thread, with strikingly similar names, confusediniowa and needhelpindenve, with strikingly similar circumstances. Well, at least you aren't alone.

Welcome to SR. Check out the friends and family section.

Here's my experience with methies (being one myself, and having dated a couple of them): We lie, and we don't feel bad about it. We're not good people when we're using. I stole Rx drugs from my grandmother to sell for cash to buy meth, stole money, anything I needed to get my next fix. When I was high I had energy, I felt great, I could do anything! I became a master at lying and manipulation; I could have sold you a bag of sand while you were standing in the Sahara.