LostGuy

I have not posted on here in quite a while, but I see myself about to go down the codie road. I got a call from my xaw, who I left in November 2008. We have had very little contact, except for the random email. She has gotten mixed up with some scary people, and is worried about her safety. She says she has nowhere to go. I know she created this chaos for herself, and she is across the country at this point which makes it easier to not get involved. But I feel like I need to call her family or do something. She was my wife for 10 years, and I feel like because I loved her so much (and still do) it is my responsibility to protect her and keep her safe, especially when she reaches out to me. I have not spoken to anyone in her family since we split up, and I'd rather not be involved with them, but I'm so worried about her. I know I'm being very codie right now, which I guess is why I am posting this. If I hadn't spent so much time reading this board when I first left her, I probably would have sprang into codie action instead of coming here. But I feel like, if I don't do something, who will? Your support and insight is most welcome.

Freedom1990

First of all, kudos to you for posting here instead of "springing into codie action!"

Is there any reason she can't make the call to her family herself?

Remember, we didn't create their alcoholism, we can't control, nor can we cure it.

Fear/worry is absence of faith.

Do you have a higher power/God? Do you believe that a higher power/God is watching over her and has a plan for her? Do you believe that higher power/God just might have a better idea of what she needs to go through to hit a bottom than you do? (You don't need to answer these for me, just food for thought)

I can tell you this much-as long as I had someone coming to my rescue (I am also a recovering addict/alcoholic as well as a codependent), someone who 'cushioned' the fall, who softened the consequences of my decisions/actions for me, I had zero incentive to seek help for my issues, zero, zilch, zip, nada. Now I might promise my rescuer I would when the heat was on, but it was always lip service, and nothing more.

I have a 31 year old AD, and she is an adult. Poor though her choices may be, she has the right to make those choices as an adult, and not have me interfere with those choices, nor to give my unsolicited advice on those choices.

I give her the dignity to live her life the way she chooses to live it, regardless of how 'bad' or 'wretched' or 'insane' it may appear to me.

I sleep well at night knowing I have completely turned her over to God, that he has a plan for her, and I am staying out of his way.

:ghug :ghug

LostGuy

I wish I did. When I married her in 1998 it was a leap of faith for me that all would work out. When it all fell apart last year I lost that faith. I appreciate your comment about always cushioning the fall. I have to remember that bailing her out in the short term is not necessarily what is best for her in the long term.

Freedom1990

I understand that loss of faith in a higher power/God/whatever you believe in. I felt the same way when many things in my life fell apart.

Eventually I came to see that in each of those circumstances, it was not God, but the actions of humans being that were responsible.

Does that make any sense?

Again, huge kudos to you for posting here. That is growth, my friend!

Still Waters

LostGuy,

If she can call you, she can contact her family - or a shelter, or a rehab center, or the Salvation Army, etc. Can't she?

It's hard, I know it is. She has to live with the repercussions of her own bad decisions I'm afraid....just like we do.

Barbara52

She will. She is an adult. She is capable of living her life as she wants to, including taking care of herself, protecting herself, making good choices and bad.

It's good you can see the codieness trying to take control in yourself. Awareness lets you choose whether or not to give in.

GiveLove

She is an adult and can take care of herself - especially if she HAS to.

She "reached out to you" not out of love, but because she was gambling you'd do what your gut is trying to get you to do: rescue her from her lousy choices.

I'm glad you dropped in and I hope you can resist your codie urges to fix, rescue, make the bad go away. Sometimes, it's only the necessity of fixing our own problems that takes us to the next level.

peaceteach

Hi Lostguy,

I remember how difficult that time in your life was. It does sound like you've been taking care of yourself. Play the tape all the way through. Chances are she is in a fog, either from inebriation or morning after, and just flailing for someone else to solve her problems instead of reaching THAT point where she realizes that SHE needs to solve her own problems. You would be doing BOTH of yourselves a favor by breaking contact, so that YOU don't go down the slippery slope with her and so that SHE realizes that it is time for her to face the consequences of her choices.

Please allow her that dignity of handling her own life as a result of the choices she made. And please give yourself the gift of detachment and survival from codependency. Don't slip and start that contact all over again. It's like the addict relapsing, you know that. Good that you came here. Trust your instinct to STAY out of it. Take care of you now. Life goes on, and you deserve to let YOUR life continue to move forward, not go back to sadness, worry and despair at the hands of someone else, exwife or not. Take care, Lost guy. Do something selfish and nurturing for yourself and stop the worrying and let your HP's handle this one.

Jadmack25

Hi Lostguy,

peaceteach just said it all, so all that is left for me to say is, well done and all the best.

God bless

TakingCharge999

Greatest Gift, I cannot imagine on this Earth! Amen to that