Sticky struck a nerve
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 44
Sticky struck a nerve
I'm new and have been reading through a lot of posts and stickys and feeling a little overwhelmed and confused by it all. Some posts struck a nerve in me particular the sticky "What addicts do".
This is our story. My husband doesn't try to score for drugs, steal, isolate himself, been to jail for drugs, rob me or anyone else. it hurt me to read in the sticky about what addicts do, that addicts don't love, lie about everything, cheat, steal and only think about getting more and don't care if they hurt people and can't feel emotions. I know I am probably going to get hit with replies telling me I am in denial or have the wool pulled over my eyes. My husband maintains a job, gives me his check weekly it's not used to "score drugs", goes to AA meetings, put the people who molested him in jail, reconnected with his dad, we make an effort to connect with each other daily. He is seeking out therapy because he realizes now the pain medication he was taking for previous injuries aren't what they should be and is seeking out alternative treatments to help himself heal. He undestands that his past sexual abuse needs more work and sees that he was trying to hide the pain of that in the pills but he is scared and is trying his best. I admit I do get frustrated at times because his thinking can be one tracked and focused on one thing, he is learning how to communicate......actually we both are learning to talk to each other because we both react the same way, both believe we are being attacked when actually we just need to adjust our tones and stop saying you you you and use I. I don't undestand the addict mind, nor pretent too but I do know my husband and the efforts he is putting forth. I do know the abuse he has suffered and do understand that children learn what they see. My husband never had the chance or was taught how to deal with normal living, healthy relationships, day to day things because he was surrounded by an absent mother, alcoholic father, 3 alcoholic brothers, now he is learning and working hard.
In my husbands younger years and years before we met I've heard stories where he was like the guy always trying to score, always got his way or what he wanted but since then he has been trying to find his way in a healthy loving relationship. So it is possible. I guess that post just made me feel like it is the same for everyone, an addict is an addict but everyone is all on different parts of their journeys. I just needed to say that and understand I wasn't alone. I do believe health is possible, I do believe in my marriage and I do believe that each day is a new day.
JuneBug
This is our story. My husband doesn't try to score for drugs, steal, isolate himself, been to jail for drugs, rob me or anyone else. it hurt me to read in the sticky about what addicts do, that addicts don't love, lie about everything, cheat, steal and only think about getting more and don't care if they hurt people and can't feel emotions. I know I am probably going to get hit with replies telling me I am in denial or have the wool pulled over my eyes. My husband maintains a job, gives me his check weekly it's not used to "score drugs", goes to AA meetings, put the people who molested him in jail, reconnected with his dad, we make an effort to connect with each other daily. He is seeking out therapy because he realizes now the pain medication he was taking for previous injuries aren't what they should be and is seeking out alternative treatments to help himself heal. He undestands that his past sexual abuse needs more work and sees that he was trying to hide the pain of that in the pills but he is scared and is trying his best. I admit I do get frustrated at times because his thinking can be one tracked and focused on one thing, he is learning how to communicate......actually we both are learning to talk to each other because we both react the same way, both believe we are being attacked when actually we just need to adjust our tones and stop saying you you you and use I. I don't undestand the addict mind, nor pretent too but I do know my husband and the efforts he is putting forth. I do know the abuse he has suffered and do understand that children learn what they see. My husband never had the chance or was taught how to deal with normal living, healthy relationships, day to day things because he was surrounded by an absent mother, alcoholic father, 3 alcoholic brothers, now he is learning and working hard.
In my husbands younger years and years before we met I've heard stories where he was like the guy always trying to score, always got his way or what he wanted but since then he has been trying to find his way in a healthy loving relationship. So it is possible. I guess that post just made me feel like it is the same for everyone, an addict is an addict but everyone is all on different parts of their journeys. I just needed to say that and understand I wasn't alone. I do believe health is possible, I do believe in my marriage and I do believe that each day is a new day.
JuneBug
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Hi JuneBug. I had to go back and read your first post here to understand what originally brought you here. Welcome to SR!
First of all, hubby still hasn't addressed his drug addiction. Switching the oxys for a pain patch is not taking care of the addiction.
As far as what addicts do, take what you can use and throw the rest away, hon.
There is no stereotypical addict.
Addiction doesn't discriminate, and there are many 'functioning' addicts in this world, who, as you say, go to work, bring home a paycheck, etc etc etc.
If indeed your husband has been active in AA, has a sponsor and a good understanding of the 12 steps and working through his issues, there is no valid reason for walking around with a pain patch on, and he knows this.
I have always been honest with all of my doctors (I am a recovering alcoholic/addict as well as a recovering codependent), and I don't play games with medications.
If a doctor is not educated on alcoholism and is willing to dispense any sort of narcotic pain medication nilly willy whether it be pain pills or a pain patch, I need to find another doctor.
There are some commonalities among all addicts and that includes being master manipulators and keeping their enablers in place.
First of all, hubby still hasn't addressed his drug addiction. Switching the oxys for a pain patch is not taking care of the addiction.
As far as what addicts do, take what you can use and throw the rest away, hon.
There is no stereotypical addict.
Addiction doesn't discriminate, and there are many 'functioning' addicts in this world, who, as you say, go to work, bring home a paycheck, etc etc etc.
If indeed your husband has been active in AA, has a sponsor and a good understanding of the 12 steps and working through his issues, there is no valid reason for walking around with a pain patch on, and he knows this.
I have always been honest with all of my doctors (I am a recovering alcoholic/addict as well as a recovering codependent), and I don't play games with medications.
If a doctor is not educated on alcoholism and is willing to dispense any sort of narcotic pain medication nilly willy whether it be pain pills or a pain patch, I need to find another doctor.
There are some commonalities among all addicts and that includes being master manipulators and keeping their enablers in place.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
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You know i've only been on SR for a few months but i cant tell you how many times someone has posted on here and said the exact same words that you have said. (in fact i guarantee you that a few of them will be posting soon.) Over time they usually started coming to the realization that the addict in their life wasnt different than the others.
Your right that your walk is different - all of our walks are different and all of us are in different stages. but the enivitable is that if they dont quit they all end up the same way - dead or jail and we end up the same way alone, broke, and hurt. Eventually if he doesnt quit he will need more and more to satisfy his addiction so eventually the money issues will come up - that i can guarantee you. What if he's high and messes up at work and looses his job? What if he drives high and has a wreck and kills someone? What if he is the con artist that everyone tells you he is and has financial debts that you dont know about?
Also you said in your other post that he's a recovering alcoholic so you must know that he's just substituted a new DOC - something got him to the point of knowing he needed to quit drinking - so what was that? How bad did it have to get then? You said you feel "lied too, manipulated, conned, enabled" is this not enough to throw up some red flags that his addiction is taking precedence over his relationship with you?
So maybe your husband caught it before it got too bad - maybe he can kick this without dragging you down that dark road into the abyss of that sticky you read - maybe your addict is better than our addicts right now. But denying that this abyss exists and that he has started down that road is keeping yourself in the dark, justifying his behavior, and setting yourself up for a lot of pain. Be honest with yourself and him about the true nature of addiction. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Your right that your walk is different - all of our walks are different and all of us are in different stages. but the enivitable is that if they dont quit they all end up the same way - dead or jail and we end up the same way alone, broke, and hurt. Eventually if he doesnt quit he will need more and more to satisfy his addiction so eventually the money issues will come up - that i can guarantee you. What if he's high and messes up at work and looses his job? What if he drives high and has a wreck and kills someone? What if he is the con artist that everyone tells you he is and has financial debts that you dont know about?
Also you said in your other post that he's a recovering alcoholic so you must know that he's just substituted a new DOC - something got him to the point of knowing he needed to quit drinking - so what was that? How bad did it have to get then? You said you feel "lied too, manipulated, conned, enabled" is this not enough to throw up some red flags that his addiction is taking precedence over his relationship with you?
So maybe your husband caught it before it got too bad - maybe he can kick this without dragging you down that dark road into the abyss of that sticky you read - maybe your addict is better than our addicts right now. But denying that this abyss exists and that he has started down that road is keeping yourself in the dark, justifying his behavior, and setting yourself up for a lot of pain. Be honest with yourself and him about the true nature of addiction. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
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Thank you. I think I am a little senstive right now because I am angry that the doc's answer is to give him a pain patch and now my husband is walking around and acting like he is withdrawing because the dose is different. I called the pharmacist myself and he said no he shouldn't be so what your witnessing is probably the act. I know there is nothing I can do, he knows he needs another doctor but also knows if he goes to my doctor my doc will put a plan into action. Since I don't know anything about drugs its easy for my husband to tell me stuff that this is how things are done. I asked the doc and pharmicist and another professional and they all said because he was on oxy he couldnt just go cold turkey because of the dose it would most likely led to a heart attack or something else. In his defense he does have physical pain because I've seen the MRI's and the other reports its just that it isnt as bad as he thinks and thats when he gets mad saying none of us know the pain he's in. I try to tell him its a combo thing that its physical pain as well as emotional and once he starts dealing with the emotional pain the phsical pain will ease but he doesnt understand the mind-body connection.
Since I don't know how to respond to him today and his act, I just keep giving him short answers which isnt the answer either. But last night I did get scared because its been a couple days now since the med switch and he slept for 14 hours without getting up to pee or anything part of me thought he died and I was scared to go check, I did check and laughed at myself afterwords.
Thank you for reminding me to take what I need and toss the rest. I don't know what to do next. I went to see a therapist and she told me to start thinking about what I wanted and needed and then tell him those things because I realize now part of my life has been put on hold because of him. Not just him but my fears too I guess.
I looked into a rehab centre and they gave me the number and told me to hold onto it and when I had a moment and talked to him to give him the number but then its up to him. He has told me he knows he should go but keeps saying he just needs to detox doesnt need the other part. I know he is afraid to face and handle the things that were done to him but I try to explain that its all connected. He says hes afraid that hes going to find out it is his fault, I try to tell him that will never happen, as I am a incest survivor and understand that part of it but until he can feel whats happened, here we are.
JuneBug
Since I don't know how to respond to him today and his act, I just keep giving him short answers which isnt the answer either. But last night I did get scared because its been a couple days now since the med switch and he slept for 14 hours without getting up to pee or anything part of me thought he died and I was scared to go check, I did check and laughed at myself afterwords.
Thank you for reminding me to take what I need and toss the rest. I don't know what to do next. I went to see a therapist and she told me to start thinking about what I wanted and needed and then tell him those things because I realize now part of my life has been put on hold because of him. Not just him but my fears too I guess.
I looked into a rehab centre and they gave me the number and told me to hold onto it and when I had a moment and talked to him to give him the number but then its up to him. He has told me he knows he should go but keeps saying he just needs to detox doesnt need the other part. I know he is afraid to face and handle the things that were done to him but I try to explain that its all connected. He says hes afraid that hes going to find out it is his fault, I try to tell him that will never happen, as I am a incest survivor and understand that part of it but until he can feel whats happened, here we are.
JuneBug
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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I know there is nothing I can do, he knows he needs another doctor but also knows if he goes to my doctor my doc will put a plan into action.
Alanon has taught me how to have a productive and reasonably happy life in spite of what my oldest daughter is/isn't doing.
Alanon taught me how to detach from my oldest daughter.
Alanon gave me back the gift of myself because somewhere along the way I almost completely lost myself in the midst of my oldest daughter's addictions/alcoholism.
:ghug :ghug
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June, i hope this doesnt come across as cold but we do ALL have problems. i'm not saying in anyway that what he or you went through is an easy thing at all - those are horrible despicable things to have to endure. My son has had some major issues in his short life that would drive most adults over the edge. I ALWAYS blamed his addiction on the pain he suffered in life. I found out this week that the first time he tried drugs was when he was 10 yo - this is before most of these terrible things had happened to him. My whole theory was turned upside down because i finally realized that his addiction is because of him not because of the terrible things that have happened to him. It was really difficult for me to finally see him for who he was and not have the excuse anymore.
This is the hard part - yes life sucks and really bad things happen - but we cannot use those as excuses for our own bad behavior. Certainly, having these things happen does make addiction an easier thing to slide into and yes my son got worse as these things happened. But the core addictive personality was in my son before these things. This is where therapy really helps us - we have to deal with both sides of our problem and stop giving ourselves permission to act this way because of the excuses of pain.
I hope that i said that in the right way - its not meant to minimize what has happened to either of you at all. In the end it is not what happens to us in our lives its how we choose to deal with what happens in our lives. We can choose to be a victim or a survivor.
This is the hard part - yes life sucks and really bad things happen - but we cannot use those as excuses for our own bad behavior. Certainly, having these things happen does make addiction an easier thing to slide into and yes my son got worse as these things happened. But the core addictive personality was in my son before these things. This is where therapy really helps us - we have to deal with both sides of our problem and stop giving ourselves permission to act this way because of the excuses of pain.
I hope that i said that in the right way - its not meant to minimize what has happened to either of you at all. In the end it is not what happens to us in our lives its how we choose to deal with what happens in our lives. We can choose to be a victim or a survivor.
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Junebug - I doubt I can explain it correctly, but my Uncle is a Dr. and when I found out my XAH was addicted to pain-killers he explained to me that the pain receptors in the brain get out of whack, and they experience pain, but it's not "real" - altho it is, because the mind tells them it is. It takes a while being off the stuff, eating and living healthy, to get things back in balance, and that takes a lot of determination.
I'm not excusing your AH at all, just that I found it helpful to understand this at the time for some reason, and thought you might too. My XAH has legitimate pain, bad knees, but there are people in worse pain - herniated discs, and other stuff, but they work with Drs. to relieve that pain without narcotics or strictly by perscription and with determination that they would rather have a life.
It's a choice on his part. My XAH has lots of childhood trauma, etc. too. Heck so do I, but there are lots of other ways to get relief from that pain, to deal with it and help ourselves; the rooms, therapy, yoga, meditation, religion, gardening, etc. I spent 13 years trying to help my XAH, understand him, love him enough to give him the courage to help himself, tried tough love - all the while it turned out he preferred the "help" of the pills and nothing I did made a difference. I wish it had, but ...
I'm not excusing your AH at all, just that I found it helpful to understand this at the time for some reason, and thought you might too. My XAH has legitimate pain, bad knees, but there are people in worse pain - herniated discs, and other stuff, but they work with Drs. to relieve that pain without narcotics or strictly by perscription and with determination that they would rather have a life.
It's a choice on his part. My XAH has lots of childhood trauma, etc. too. Heck so do I, but there are lots of other ways to get relief from that pain, to deal with it and help ourselves; the rooms, therapy, yoga, meditation, religion, gardening, etc. I spent 13 years trying to help my XAH, understand him, love him enough to give him the courage to help himself, tried tough love - all the while it turned out he preferred the "help" of the pills and nothing I did made a difference. I wish it had, but ...
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Originally Posted by BayAreaPhoenix 
JMy XAH has legitimate pain, bad knees, but there are people in worse pain - herniated discs, and other stuff, but they work with Drs. to relieve that pain without narcotics or strictly by perscription and with determination that they would rather have a life.
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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Thank you, all of you. Thank you for your kind words, I just .........I don't know. I've never had to deal with addictions before. This is my first time.
Winnie you asked me about my husbands drinking and what happened that he stopped. I was friends with his sister in law and one night I met him at her house. He had come up for air I guess you could say after a 5 year drinking binge. He had quit drinking and went to rehab in 1990 and stayed that way for I think almost 8 years, then his brother died in 1998 and a year after that he started drinking again. He says one day he woke up and said to himself he could have a beer with lunch and then he stayed drunk.
Then one night in feb 2006 I met him, he was drunk and I was disgusted by him. I couldn't believe someone could do this to themselves. The next day his brother put him on a plane back to his home and told him not to come back until he could see straight. For some reason I kept thinking about him. it upset me to see someone, I dont even really know if it was upset more shock i guess that someone could do that to themselves.
Then that summer he came back. He had quit drinking. He said he saw me, felt shame for the first time in his life and wanted a life, a normal life with someone to love. He said he realized what he was missing and couldnt have it the way he was and got angry so he went on a realy bad bender ended up in jail and said he doesn't even know what happened in the jail cell. he says he hasnt a clue if it was god, a wake up call or insanity but he says during the 2n night in jail he said it was like he just woke up. He woke up and never wanted a drink and hasn't since then.
At the time I didn't know about the pills. He came back to visit his brother and told his brother he wanted a chance with me and his brother told him to leave me alone. One day I went over to visit my girlfriend and he was there. I couldn't believe it. We talked and we all joke around had a bbq had a lot of fun. I was dog sitting at the time so I had to leave to walk my friends dog, it was late and he said I should have some company since it was dark out I said sure and then before long he joined me every night to walk the dog and we started talking, and then one night he took my hand and I felt my heart swell up, tears in my eyes and he teared up too it was like we had found who we were supposed to be with after all this time and then we got married.
Pills back then weren't really an issue, either that or I didn't really know about it.I don't remember ever seeing him with a pill bottle but then I do remember the visit to the doctors office came shortly after. My husband is older then me by 13 years so theres been a lot of time to practise I guess on honing ones skills at manipulating.
After reading all of your replies I do know there is a problem, I think I was trying to tell myself it really isnt that bad because he keeps teling me I'm the one blowing this out of proportion. I told him once before I was going to go to Al-anon and he told me not to go he said marriages get destroye by it cuz all they teach you is how to hate the addict and turn them against them. So this is my first attempt at reaching out trying to get someone elses perspective other then my husbands.
Thank you for your help.
JuneBug
Winnie you asked me about my husbands drinking and what happened that he stopped. I was friends with his sister in law and one night I met him at her house. He had come up for air I guess you could say after a 5 year drinking binge. He had quit drinking and went to rehab in 1990 and stayed that way for I think almost 8 years, then his brother died in 1998 and a year after that he started drinking again. He says one day he woke up and said to himself he could have a beer with lunch and then he stayed drunk.
Then one night in feb 2006 I met him, he was drunk and I was disgusted by him. I couldn't believe someone could do this to themselves. The next day his brother put him on a plane back to his home and told him not to come back until he could see straight. For some reason I kept thinking about him. it upset me to see someone, I dont even really know if it was upset more shock i guess that someone could do that to themselves.
Then that summer he came back. He had quit drinking. He said he saw me, felt shame for the first time in his life and wanted a life, a normal life with someone to love. He said he realized what he was missing and couldnt have it the way he was and got angry so he went on a realy bad bender ended up in jail and said he doesn't even know what happened in the jail cell. he says he hasnt a clue if it was god, a wake up call or insanity but he says during the 2n night in jail he said it was like he just woke up. He woke up and never wanted a drink and hasn't since then.
At the time I didn't know about the pills. He came back to visit his brother and told his brother he wanted a chance with me and his brother told him to leave me alone. One day I went over to visit my girlfriend and he was there. I couldn't believe it. We talked and we all joke around had a bbq had a lot of fun. I was dog sitting at the time so I had to leave to walk my friends dog, it was late and he said I should have some company since it was dark out I said sure and then before long he joined me every night to walk the dog and we started talking, and then one night he took my hand and I felt my heart swell up, tears in my eyes and he teared up too it was like we had found who we were supposed to be with after all this time and then we got married.
Pills back then weren't really an issue, either that or I didn't really know about it.I don't remember ever seeing him with a pill bottle but then I do remember the visit to the doctors office came shortly after. My husband is older then me by 13 years so theres been a lot of time to practise I guess on honing ones skills at manipulating.
After reading all of your replies I do know there is a problem, I think I was trying to tell myself it really isnt that bad because he keeps teling me I'm the one blowing this out of proportion. I told him once before I was going to go to Al-anon and he told me not to go he said marriages get destroye by it cuz all they teach you is how to hate the addict and turn them against them. So this is my first attempt at reaching out trying to get someone elses perspective other then my husbands.
Thank you for your help.
JuneBug
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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Thank you Bayareaphonienix!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know the pain isnt real I even showed my husband articles detaling what happens in the brain over long term use and we went to a chiropractor and he explained the same thing to him as well. He knows it, he brings it up every once in a while asking me questions like "Can the brain really do that make me think I'm in constant pain?", Can the drug really screw up my system so it doesnt work how its made too?".
Hopefully the seed is planted and it will continue to grow. Thats why i want him to go to massage therapy so they could show him how the muscles have shortened and constricted themsleves over time from non use whch will cause pain but pain that can be fixed. he knows all this stuff I guess right now he is choosing not to choose.
I know the pain isnt real I even showed my husband articles detaling what happens in the brain over long term use and we went to a chiropractor and he explained the same thing to him as well. He knows it, he brings it up every once in a while asking me questions like "Can the brain really do that make me think I'm in constant pain?", Can the drug really screw up my system so it doesnt work how its made too?".
Hopefully the seed is planted and it will continue to grow. Thats why i want him to go to massage therapy so they could show him how the muscles have shortened and constricted themsleves over time from non use whch will cause pain but pain that can be fixed. he knows all this stuff I guess right now he is choosing not to choose.
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Darlin he's telling you not to go to alanon so that you dont learn what he's really about. It scares him that if you can see through him you will leave and he knows that in those walls you will learn what the addict is all about - he knows the truth of his addiction deep down inside. The addict has their drug and for us the addict is the drug. The addict needs us just as much as they need their drug but they need us to walk through life with blinders on - once the blinders are off he is correct that a lot of people do leave. Obviously he does have a pretty significant past with addiction so he really is just substituting another drug for the alcohol. I'm not telling you to leave him or that he cant recover. But if your husband had cancer you would educate yourself on his disease and the best things that would help him and you would also try to get yourself help on how to deal with it. So educate yourself so that you arent walking through this blindly.
I would also suggest that instead of holding onto that anger that you talk to him. Tell him that you need some time to get your feelings and emotions together. You dont want to be walking on eggshells in your house and hopefully he can respect that you need some time to digest all of this. Put his recovery in his hands. He didnt stop drinking because of you - dont ever think that you had any part in saving him from that life. He merely put it on hold for a while so that you wouldnt run away from him. my ex had a very unsavory addiction (porn and online relationships) - he said the exact same words to me a week after we met about finally finding that person he was supposed to be with - that his whole life had been leading him to me. Many people called my ex a con man too - my family and friends told me this for years and I never listened. Thankfully, once i realized the hard way, they didnt say i told you so too many times. Listen to the people who have known him the longest because they are the ones who know his true nature. Unless he is working a program or in some sort of therapy he probably hasnt changed.
You might want to start thinking about some boundaries to set up.
I would also suggest that instead of holding onto that anger that you talk to him. Tell him that you need some time to get your feelings and emotions together. You dont want to be walking on eggshells in your house and hopefully he can respect that you need some time to digest all of this. Put his recovery in his hands. He didnt stop drinking because of you - dont ever think that you had any part in saving him from that life. He merely put it on hold for a while so that you wouldnt run away from him. my ex had a very unsavory addiction (porn and online relationships) - he said the exact same words to me a week after we met about finally finding that person he was supposed to be with - that his whole life had been leading him to me. Many people called my ex a con man too - my family and friends told me this for years and I never listened. Thankfully, once i realized the hard way, they didnt say i told you so too many times. Listen to the people who have known him the longest because they are the ones who know his true nature. Unless he is working a program or in some sort of therapy he probably hasnt changed.
You might want to start thinking about some boundaries to set up.
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I told him once before I was going to go to Al-anon and he told me not to go he said marriages get destroye by it cuz all they teach you is how to hate the addict and turn them against them.
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I just want to share with you a couple thoughts...... we are all in the same boat - in my humble opinion.
You wouldn't have been writing here - if deep down inside you didn't believe there is a problem.
If your husband can go without pain pills, and such, then I guess he dosen't have a problem.
I don't hear that in your post at all.
My boyfriend is an addict. My boyfriend is handsome, funny, loving, kind, great with our animals, my kids, his kids, has never been to jail, owns his own business, has great credit, has never hit me, dosen't steal money from me, gives me money. He usually admitts that he needs to stop taking the pills, and wishes he never started takeing them for his back.
Great catch huh. No wonder I love him.
However if the next woman - (when I leave) wants to live with the ups and downs.... the inablility to follow through on plans, because he might be too tired or in 'pain' because he dosen't have the pills....
If the next girl wants to be deluded into thinking her 'happy' times with him, are because of an authentic feeling within him - rather than the euphoria that a monkey would feel on these flipping drugs.....
If the next girl wants to believe she has a great guy with lots of money---- yet you wonder how much could have been going to a nice vaca for the both of you, rather than to swallow a handful of pills everyday.
If the next girl wants to watch her man make excuses of why he needs to 'stop somewhere' on the way home, or when he is late for an event, because the selfishness of 'getting the pills' caused him to run behind, picking up pills...
If the next girl wants to watch the muscle tone, slowly creep out from under his skin, his breathing getting more congested, his sexual activity diminishing.... all from the pills,
well, I hope she's younger, because I want someone who's healthy and full of life, NOT HAVING THE LIFE SUCKED OUT OF EM BECAUSE OF PILLS!!!!
Do you see what i'm saying?
For the most part, everything in my life 'looks good ' from an outsider.
and on most days I can fool myself into thinking the same.
But trust me dear, if you sat in 'normal' functioning households--- this isn't normal.
Believe me, it kills me that myabf came from similar circumstances... (drunk father, absent mother, druggie and drunk older siblings....)
HOWEVER, it's not my place to get dragged down into that- if he dosen't want his life to be any different.
I know it's hard, but you and i are no different than anyone else. Perhaps just at a more 'functional' level of addiction--- are you willing to live with it when it gets 'worse'?
Take care,
and know I mean my words with love,
cessy
You wouldn't have been writing here - if deep down inside you didn't believe there is a problem.
If your husband can go without pain pills, and such, then I guess he dosen't have a problem.
I don't hear that in your post at all.
My boyfriend is an addict. My boyfriend is handsome, funny, loving, kind, great with our animals, my kids, his kids, has never been to jail, owns his own business, has great credit, has never hit me, dosen't steal money from me, gives me money. He usually admitts that he needs to stop taking the pills, and wishes he never started takeing them for his back.
Great catch huh. No wonder I love him.
However if the next woman - (when I leave) wants to live with the ups and downs.... the inablility to follow through on plans, because he might be too tired or in 'pain' because he dosen't have the pills....
If the next girl wants to be deluded into thinking her 'happy' times with him, are because of an authentic feeling within him - rather than the euphoria that a monkey would feel on these flipping drugs.....
If the next girl wants to believe she has a great guy with lots of money---- yet you wonder how much could have been going to a nice vaca for the both of you, rather than to swallow a handful of pills everyday.
If the next girl wants to watch her man make excuses of why he needs to 'stop somewhere' on the way home, or when he is late for an event, because the selfishness of 'getting the pills' caused him to run behind, picking up pills...
If the next girl wants to watch the muscle tone, slowly creep out from under his skin, his breathing getting more congested, his sexual activity diminishing.... all from the pills,
well, I hope she's younger, because I want someone who's healthy and full of life, NOT HAVING THE LIFE SUCKED OUT OF EM BECAUSE OF PILLS!!!!
Do you see what i'm saying?
For the most part, everything in my life 'looks good ' from an outsider.
and on most days I can fool myself into thinking the same.
But trust me dear, if you sat in 'normal' functioning households--- this isn't normal.
Believe me, it kills me that myabf came from similar circumstances... (drunk father, absent mother, druggie and drunk older siblings....)
HOWEVER, it's not my place to get dragged down into that- if he dosen't want his life to be any different.
I know it's hard, but you and i are no different than anyone else. Perhaps just at a more 'functional' level of addiction--- are you willing to live with it when it gets 'worse'?
Take care,
and know I mean my words with love,
cessy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 44
All of you have pointed out things that I didn't realize were addiction related now I feel really stupid, maybe stupid isnt the word but none the less thats how I feel. He always has to leave the house last to do a "walk around" he calls it, we have to stop for coffee everywhere before we start out and instead of going through the drive thru he has to go in, we don't really have a sex life because he's always too tired, in to much pain or it doesn't work, his moods go from happy to nappy but says its my tone and "You always", I get that a lot that I always have a tone in my voice or I always tell him what to do or I am always snapping at him. Mind you sometimes I am snappy because honest to God sometimes I can't believe that someone is literally that stupid that they cant put simple things together. If I say something I have to explain in simplier cuz he doesn't understand, or spoon feed him information cuz he doesnt get and I get mad cuz I refuse too the therapist told me is stink thinking or something where he really probably cant string info together cuz hes high. I didnt realize that when we have awesome together days its because hes higher, I just thought he was having a good day. I didnt know he could get higher cuz the doc gives him a certain amount for 7 days and the pills usually last the 7 days, I even took to taking some and hiding them because i wanted to see if he would notice and he hasn't. I didn't realize all these things. I was getting fed up cuz it felt like I was playing a waiting game, I wanted all these things in my life and I feel like I am always waiting for him to catch up.
Now even posting on this site he has walked in a couple times doesnt know who I am talking too but I feel guilty. I feel guilty even trying to find out information. I think thats why its taken me so long, well I know why its taken me so long, its taken me so long because I thought it was me until I went to my regualr therapist and telling her and then she began to tell me about addict behaviour and I was like yeah yeah yeah and the having her tell me "Your a smart woman, you've been through therapy 5 long years you know when your having trouble, you know how to handle yourself and manuvre and weave and create a great life for yourself stop listening to someone else tell you who you are."
So tonight I told him I wanted a life and I was going out and getting one. So I just finished filling out the papers to take another course to finally make the big career change and register myself in a professional capacity and I walked down to the mail box and mailed it. When I came back he was all smiles and said "Good for you! Good for you for finally doing something for yourself and getting out from under my dark cloud." I was happy still am but his comment I just don't know how to take it. I want to believe he is happy for me, he seemed happy it felt genuine, he called his mom and told her but now after hearing all this stuff is he really happy for me? I know your probably going to tell me he wasnt happy, hes not capable all hes thinking is good for me now she'll be off my back and I can do what I want, if thats the case what a ****** thing to do to somebody.
I guess all in all I don't undesrtand addiction as a disease. I think I still have it in my head that its a choice and you can take it or leave it. I have some more learning to do but I don't want to creep around to get it. He has actually sat me down a couple of times to talk to my about it but I just dont get it. Which how can I not? My biggest problem is I dont know how to talk to him and I dont know how I should say things so that I'm not attacking or preaching even asking simple quesitons ends up in something.
Anyhow I am proud of myself for doing something I have thought about since 2003 and I am going to go to bed thinking about all the new incredible things I am going to do. Tomorrow I am finally going to call the woman back about volunteering with the horses and go play with some horses!!! If I want my dreams to come true then I am the only one you can make'em, i started today!
Now even posting on this site he has walked in a couple times doesnt know who I am talking too but I feel guilty. I feel guilty even trying to find out information. I think thats why its taken me so long, well I know why its taken me so long, its taken me so long because I thought it was me until I went to my regualr therapist and telling her and then she began to tell me about addict behaviour and I was like yeah yeah yeah and the having her tell me "Your a smart woman, you've been through therapy 5 long years you know when your having trouble, you know how to handle yourself and manuvre and weave and create a great life for yourself stop listening to someone else tell you who you are."
So tonight I told him I wanted a life and I was going out and getting one. So I just finished filling out the papers to take another course to finally make the big career change and register myself in a professional capacity and I walked down to the mail box and mailed it. When I came back he was all smiles and said "Good for you! Good for you for finally doing something for yourself and getting out from under my dark cloud." I was happy still am but his comment I just don't know how to take it. I want to believe he is happy for me, he seemed happy it felt genuine, he called his mom and told her but now after hearing all this stuff is he really happy for me? I know your probably going to tell me he wasnt happy, hes not capable all hes thinking is good for me now she'll be off my back and I can do what I want, if thats the case what a ****** thing to do to somebody.
I guess all in all I don't undesrtand addiction as a disease. I think I still have it in my head that its a choice and you can take it or leave it. I have some more learning to do but I don't want to creep around to get it. He has actually sat me down a couple of times to talk to my about it but I just dont get it. Which how can I not? My biggest problem is I dont know how to talk to him and I dont know how I should say things so that I'm not attacking or preaching even asking simple quesitons ends up in something.
Anyhow I am proud of myself for doing something I have thought about since 2003 and I am going to go to bed thinking about all the new incredible things I am going to do. Tomorrow I am finally going to call the woman back about volunteering with the horses and go play with some horses!!! If I want my dreams to come true then I am the only one you can make'em, i started today!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I've found that it is impossible to have a reasonable conversation with an active addict. It can make you crazy trying to talk to one because what they say, and what is really going on are two different things.
Good for you for following your dreams!!!! It is great that you are making a life for yourself. My ABF is also addicted to pills. He is currently in recovery (for the past 3 months). I am also working on improving my professional life. I've been working on changing careers, and I've been returning to school. It really helps me to focus on myself and my own needs. Then, I don't feel like everything in my life dependends on whether or not ABF decides to use again.
Good for you for following your dreams!!!! It is great that you are making a life for yourself. My ABF is also addicted to pills. He is currently in recovery (for the past 3 months). I am also working on improving my professional life. I've been working on changing careers, and I've been returning to school. It really helps me to focus on myself and my own needs. Then, I don't feel like everything in my life dependends on whether or not ABF decides to use again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Good for you JuneBug! I'm proud of you!!!!!
who cares is he is truly happy for you or not - it doesnt matter because you're not doing it to make him happy - your doing it to make yourself happy. As long as he isnt giving you a hard time about improving your life then i think you should be pleased with the reaction. Dont try to get into the head or thought process of an addict - its scary in there
I always feel awkward when my AS walks in and i'm on SR - but its more because this place is for me and i dont want him knowing about it. I need somewhere that i can be honest so i've kept it from him. Some people say i should introduce him to SR to help him but I never will because that will take away from my ability to really speak my mind. He knows that i have some online friends - he just doesnt know that they are in an addiction forum.
who cares is he is truly happy for you or not - it doesnt matter because you're not doing it to make him happy - your doing it to make yourself happy. As long as he isnt giving you a hard time about improving your life then i think you should be pleased with the reaction. Dont try to get into the head or thought process of an addict - its scary in there
I always feel awkward when my AS walks in and i'm on SR - but its more because this place is for me and i dont want him knowing about it. I need somewhere that i can be honest so i've kept it from him. Some people say i should introduce him to SR to help him but I never will because that will take away from my ability to really speak my mind. He knows that i have some online friends - he just doesnt know that they are in an addiction forum.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by JuneBug
Anyhow I am proud of myself for doing something I have thought about since 2003 and I am going to go to bed thinking about all the new incredible things I am going to do. Tomorrow I am finally going to call the woman back about volunteering with the horses and go play with some horses!!! If I want my dreams to come true then I am the only one you can make'em, i started today!
I can't wait to hear about your new adventures! :ghug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 44
Just wanted to update you on what happened yesterday and today. I went and played with horses!! For some reason horses are the only thing on the planet that can open me up and were I feel totally relaxed, like a deep breath of peace comes over me. I was grooming this one girl "Baby" she is very nervous and shy and then when I was walking around the paddock with her she followed me everywhere I went! I had thought my husband had left after he dropped me off and told me after he was leaving but then noticed how I changed when we came onto the property. He said he felt sad that it was horses that made me feel calm and peaceful and not him. I didn't know how to reply because part of me felt like he could be playing on my sympathy and I wanted so much to keep how I felt right then.
So I kinda kept my distance all afternoon and last night, I went and slept in the other room(i've been sleeping there for a while now) and then this morning I came home form work (it was my first day back after being in an accident) to find him on the phone, I don't know who he was talking too and then when he hung up he stood infront of me and rambled on about hes tired of it, its getting really stupid now and maybe I'm right about the pain that it could be in his head......so I started to walk away cuz I've heard this speech before and he called out after me "this is it". Then he told me he was going to go have a shower and then we were going on a road trip. I don't know what that means so I went and hit the re-dial button on the phone and its the clinic's number.
I don't know what it means, I don't want to assume anything but........we'll see
JuneBug
So I kinda kept my distance all afternoon and last night, I went and slept in the other room(i've been sleeping there for a while now) and then this morning I came home form work (it was my first day back after being in an accident) to find him on the phone, I don't know who he was talking too and then when he hung up he stood infront of me and rambled on about hes tired of it, its getting really stupid now and maybe I'm right about the pain that it could be in his head......so I started to walk away cuz I've heard this speech before and he called out after me "this is it". Then he told me he was going to go have a shower and then we were going on a road trip. I don't know what that means so I went and hit the re-dial button on the phone and its the clinic's number.
I don't know what it means, I don't want to assume anything but........we'll see
JuneBug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My youngest daughter trained in dressage for 8 years. I used to go out and clean the barns/paddocks where she trained at. There is nothing like being out in the country, around horses, and having quiet time. I really miss doing that, but can't anymore because of degenerative disc disease.
The horses were always lined up against the fence outside the paddocks, I'd fill my pockets with peppermints, and walk over to talk to them and dole out goodies.
The horses were always lined up against the fence outside the paddocks, I'd fill my pockets with peppermints, and walk over to talk to them and dole out goodies.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Well, what do you think it means that he's calling the clinic? Couldn't be to try to wangle some extra pain pills outta the doc, now could it? I mean, that's what it would have been for most of us. Wake up and smell the opium, because if you feel you have no peace at this point, wait until it continues. If he doesn't get treatment for his addiction, it will get worse. Jails, institutions, or death. That's the result for a drug addict not in recovery. Is this something you care to stay around and watch? Sounds to me like you are pretty unhappy. What do you want to do about it?
KJ
KJ
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