rozied

I am so sngry I could spit nails. My 35yr old son who is a single dad of 2 young sons has an ex. All she has ever done is cause our family problems & cost us money. They have been broken up almost 4yrs & she has not contributed a red cent to help with the kids in all that time.
Now her mother is deceased & her father is a heroin addict. She went & got herself addicted to heroin also. She also has gotten in trouble with the law.
She was in Florida in some half way house & started calling my son for help. Wednesday the pastor she was staying with called my son. He said he was paying her bus fare to come here. My stupid son said he would take her to a rehab. She wound up getting a bed in an in patient rehab for today. So since Wed she has been staying at my son's house. Now today he is taking her to this rehab. It has wound up costing me money. He is on unemployment & has no extra money. He needed gas money to take her so who does he come to but me. I am livid over the fact that I had to give him money to help her after all she has done to hurt our family. Plus I am so fed up with my son for not saying NO to begin with.
I told my son if he ever does anything like this again I will cut him out of my life like I've done with Joey.
I am just so angry & don't know what to do with it.
Thanks for listening.

cessy68

Sorry you are angry hon.... but then why did you give him the $$???

Kinda the same thing we always talk about here... why did you HAVE to do something for your son that you didn't want to do? He is 35 yrs old.....

If he is responsible enough to take care of the two boys... he should be responsible enough to pay for the decisions he makes as well.

For instance. My mom might give me $$ (a gift card) to buy 'groceries' for my kids... (because they are her grandchildren)-- if i REALLY needed 'help'. However, it would be a cold day in hell, before she EVER gave me $$ to help a man that screwed me over and needed rehab.

Just think about it.

Sending peace prayers for you.
Love,
cess

Freedom1990

"No" is a complete sentence, Rozied.

Let's back up. Deep deep breaths.

Are you mad at her, your son, or at yourself because you gave him the money?

Be honest.

rozied

No you don't understand. I was stuck, on the spot. If I didn't give him the money for gas there was no way he could take her to the rehab and she would have been stuck at his house. She has no money and no place to go.

BBD

I hear you rozied. I would probably have done the same thing. Give him the money~~get her to rehab~~and the he^& outta our lives. Its so hard to know what to do when your put in a situation like that. I guess we need a codependant booklet to look up answers for situations like this. Don't beat yourself up but certainly encourage your son NOT to be visiting her.......Man, does it ever stop??? Smile sweety~

Freedom1990

And if she would have been stuck at his place, how would that have been your problem?

winnie12

I dont know that i would have done any differently even though we all know its best to say no. It sounds like you had to pick the lesser of two evils and if paying for some gas to keep her away from you was what it took then you did what you felt you needed to do. Be strong with those boundaries with your son - he's going to have to learn all of this the hard way just like you did. codie to codie relationships are possibly even more complex then codie to addict relationships.

Does make me wonder why she didnt just go to a rehab in Florida - they have more funding there than a lot of states. does sound like she may be trying to get back in the family which is probably the real reason your so upset - cant blame you there.

Spiritual Seeker

Your sons are stressing you.
I have learned it does not have to be "ALL or Nothing"
We can learn to detach, with our bounderies in place, and still maintain a relationship,
if we so choose. We can only control our own choices.

You did a kind + compassionate deed, that may make a difference in this woman's life.
No matter what, she is forever linked because she is the mom of your grandkids.

Try releasing the negative energy, the deed is done, and your choice was just as it should be. How do we know? Because that is what was done. We can't argue with reality w/o causing ourselves pain.
When we give and then have resentment, there is no point to give.

I was having stress about my son last week. For all I am doing for him as I just paid for a year of rehab and now I am paying for sober living and college. Which I choose and want to pay for. However, I started thinking he should be calling me regularly to check in so that I know he is doing well. WRONG...I only get into trouble when I think I know
what someone else should be doing or when I give with my own expectations.
If I want my son to call more often, I can ask him to and let him know it is important to me....his need is not as great and I can't expect him to be a mind reader and meet my needs unless I tell him and he chooses to.

I called my son and we had a lovely 45 min. conversation. He is doing well and as he is learning to live as a grown man in sobriety perhaps his need is to break away from mom.

Most often we reduce our anxiety by changing our own perspective.

As frustrating as your relationship with your sons may be, what can you do to
reduce the anxiety? I am learning that my own choices is all I can control.

devastated

Hmmmm? We only do what we want to do. Maybe if you didn't give him the money, he would have had second thoughts about being the savior her.

Try practicing saying no! This is where you have to put your boundaries in place and just say no. Not I'm sorry, not I wish I could, but just plain NO!

It's ok though. It just going to take more practice. If he wants to help her that's ok, but he'll have to do it on his own.

Hugs, Devastated

bluebelle

You did not have to give him the money. He got himself into this situation. He probably agreed to it because he knew you would bail him out. This is his problem, not yours. Maybe it is time that you thought about your boundaries and what you are and are not willing to do. Then, you can talk to him calmly about your boundaries. Maybe your boundary will be that you will not give him money to help his ex-wife. Then, stick with that boundary. He is a grown man, and he can make his own decisions and take care of himself.

Done_With_It

****{Rozies}}}

I understand why you are so upset, but maybe step back at look at what you are telling yourself. You are giving yourself excuses and you turned this into your problem.
Similar how us addicts do when we make bad choices for going to a party because we had to because of this........ as so we ended up doing this...........

Until we own our own behavior we feel powerless over any situation, in my experience.

A situation can suck, Yea, but that doesn't mean you didn't make your own choices.
Sometimes things just suck, but maybe you can look at this a different way.

If you gave your son money, so be it. Own your choices. You will feel much better when you do.


JMO...


Hugs to you,

Lots of love and Light your way!

greeteachday

Lots of good thoughts here Rozied. Sending some hugs too.

It wasn't til I started looking at my part in the dance that things could change. I couldn't control anyone else, but I could control me...my actions and reactions.

It really does come down to my choices...I used to think I had no choice, but have realized I always have a choice and many, many, many times, the end result of the choice I made when I acted in a way that was best for me, but seemed to not be good for the person I was trying to control, was far different (and better) than what I had projected when I thought I had no choice but to continue to bail out.

splendra

Aw (((rozied))))

I think what you did is alright. I would give my last dollar to get an addict away from any kid, my own as well. Isn't that what you were really doing after all?

nytepassion

So her problem became his problem and then your problem? I've been there done that and own the t-shirt..., but I have no one to blame but myself.

I have learned along the way that when I do what I don't want to do and I find myself angry and pointing fingers of blame at everyone else .. I am truly angry with me for being to weak to say NO ... I caved and didn't do what was best for me and no I am mad as helloooooo ... But when the rubber meets the road the truth of the matter is .. I am accountable for my actions and it is my responsibility to stand up and say NO and if I fail to do so .. I cannot blame anyone, but myself.

With all due respect ... it seems the pay off for you taking on this burden was getting her out of his home. You allowed this problem to become yours.

Its a live and learn situation and I have every bit of faith in you that the next time you will do whatcha gotta do for you.

Respectfully,
Passion

rozied

They were engaged, they had 2 children together, then oneday when he was at work she left him bag & baggage with the boys to live with another man. Did not even have the decency to tell him, snuck away like a thief in night. After this they went back & forth a couple of times. He wound up with the boys, she moved in with another guy, got pregnant, then came back to my son. She asked my son for help to get an abortion. After it was over she left & went back to the guy that got her pregnant. Then after a while she left him & God knows what she did but she wound up getting addicted to heroin. Then she ran away to Florida, called my son from there for the last 2 mts begging him to help her.
He should have said no but he didn't, I guess cuz she is the mother of his children & I raised him to be compassionate. She got here on Wed, my son took her to D & A & got her into an in patient rehab.
I am upset as he is on unemployment & money is very tight. Plus it is over btw them as far as my son is concerned and it is very upsetting to my grandsons to have her coming in & out of their lives like this. I resent being put on the spot.

splendra

I hear ya honey...Probably there will be a next time and you will have a chance to try again.

Freedom1990

Rozied, the only person you have control over is you.

You have NO control over the fact your son choose this woman to have babies with. You have NO control over the fact that she abandoned those children. You have NO control over the fact that your son hasn't defined clear boundaries with her. If it was that over between your son and her, he would NOT have taken her into his home.

You finally set firm boundaries with your oldest son.

Perhaps you might start thinking about doing that with your youngest song.

By resenting being put on the spot, you still refuse to be accountable for your own decision. That solves nothing and keeps you stuck in anger.

The ONLY person you have control over is you.

What's your next step?

cessy68

Rozied, you raised him to be compassionate? Or to be a doormat?
Same thing for you.... are you compassionate or a woman who constantly has her kindness mistanken for weakness?

That is why you are resentful.

If someone is compassionate---- in the truest sense of the word, they don't end up feeling resentful (because they do things ---- without ANY strings.... without ANY expectations..... KNOWING that others decisions may not be the same that you would make.)

Does that make sense?

In my most selfish times (which aren't often)-- my mother has given me things... then felt used, resentful, bitter, and entitled to 'tell me what she thinks of every move i make.

Now I know although she is thinking she is being compassionate... in some sense she is useing her compassion to 'control' how she thinks I should live my life.

I have vowed to never do that with my children. Also, I recognize my control issues, everytime I "feel" kicked in the teeth by my abf... all in the name of 'compassion.'

Love,
cessy

winnie12

That's a good point Cessy - I also see this as the martyr. My mom was a bit of a martyr and i am too. I realized it when i found myself telling my son how hard i work and "this is how i'm treated." now i realize i'm the mom i'm supposed to provide for them when they are children without any expectation of anything in return.

cessy68

I used to do this ALL the time.... (sometimes still do) ---- that was the point I was attempting to tell rozied....