I Don't know what to do anymore!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Sierra Vista Arizona
Posts: 24
I Don't know what to do anymore!!!!
Hi all I'm new to this forum but not to recovery, My name is Schana and I have been clean and sober for almost 3 1/2 years and I am really proud of myself for that. Although most of my time being sober was spent in prison I have over a year being out, My recovery is not my problem anymore. I Have been with my Fiancee for about 4 years and we have gone through some REALLY difficult times. He is still addicted. He spent over 2 years in prison and was clean there. When he came home all was good or so I thought. He started using again about 3 weeks after he came home and it was just little things i noticed at first but being an addict myself I know all the classic signs of meth use. I love him so much but I just don't know what to do anymore... I know that if the people that helped me through all of this would have just given up on me through all my falls I wouldn't be where I am today. Now they are the ones that are telling me to give up on him. I know how hard it is and I know that you have to do it yourself but is it truly right for me to just turn my back?? Does anyone have any advice that they could give me? It's really not the same going through it yourself and going through it with someone else. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
whoo wee sweets,
I am probably not the best one to help you on this subject, but I send you hugs and prayers.
I don't know how a former addict can live with someone who is actively useing without seriously jeprodizing your sobriety.
I can't even quit smokeing--- and have my abf smoke around me.
I know about 'helping' an addict... as a non-addict......
There is NOTHING you can do.
Just step out of the way, and protect yourself.
Love,
cess
I am probably not the best one to help you on this subject, but I send you hugs and prayers.
I don't know how a former addict can live with someone who is actively useing without seriously jeprodizing your sobriety.
I can't even quit smokeing--- and have my abf smoke around me.
I know about 'helping' an addict... as a non-addict......
There is NOTHING you can do.
Just step out of the way, and protect yourself.
Love,
cess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Sierra Vista Arizona
Posts: 24
Thanks for the prayers I know I'm gonna need them 
It has not been as difficult as I thought it would be with my own sobriety. Everyone tells me to just kick him out and at times I feel like that is just what i should do but I can never bring myself to do it. I know that he has nowhere to go except the streets and i know how hard they can be. So I keep doing it. I guess I know what i have to do I just wish I knew how to do it
It has not been as difficult as I thought it would be with my own sobriety. Everyone tells me to just kick him out and at times I feel like that is just what i should do but I can never bring myself to do it. I know that he has nowhere to go except the streets and i know how hard they can be. So I keep doing it. I guess I know what i have to do I just wish I knew how to do it
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Glad to see you here Aryana, although I sure am sorry for the reason why.
First congratulations on your sobriety - 3 1/2 years is awesome! And as Cessy said, your sobriety does have to come first.
I don't think it is turning your back on someone to say I love you too much to watch you kill yourself. I need to stay away both for me and for you because If I keep making this easy for you, you will never want to stop and I will lose me in the process.
Letting go does not have to be forever...If he decides he has had enough, perhaps you will find your way back...We don't know what tomorrow brings.
Have you tried any Alanon, Naranon of CoDA groups? They are for those who are affected by addiction in a loved one. The face to face support is great.
Keep reading and posting...Change doesn't happen overnight but little by little what works best for you will start to reveal itself. Hugs
First congratulations on your sobriety - 3 1/2 years is awesome! And as Cessy said, your sobriety does have to come first.
I don't think it is turning your back on someone to say I love you too much to watch you kill yourself. I need to stay away both for me and for you because If I keep making this easy for you, you will never want to stop and I will lose me in the process.
Letting go does not have to be forever...If he decides he has had enough, perhaps you will find your way back...We don't know what tomorrow brings.
Have you tried any Alanon, Naranon of CoDA groups? They are for those who are affected by addiction in a loved one. The face to face support is great.
Keep reading and posting...Change doesn't happen overnight but little by little what works best for you will start to reveal itself. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR, Schana!
Here's my personal experience.
I couldn't maintain my own recovery with a BF who relapsed. I threw 4 years clean/sober out the window in the end.
The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful.
Was it worth it? No.
Did he care? No. He's still an active alcoholic/addict over 18 years later. Some people don't die; they just live in misery for years and years and years.
I was damned lucky to make it back to the rooms of recovery alive.
Today I won't risk my recovery for anyone, not even my 31 year old addict/alcoholic daughter whom I've turned over to God.
There is no one, not one single soul on this earth worth dying for, and for me to use again is to die.
Here's my personal experience.
I couldn't maintain my own recovery with a BF who relapsed. I threw 4 years clean/sober out the window in the end.
The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful.
Was it worth it? No.
Did he care? No. He's still an active alcoholic/addict over 18 years later. Some people don't die; they just live in misery for years and years and years.
I was damned lucky to make it back to the rooms of recovery alive.
Today I won't risk my recovery for anyone, not even my 31 year old addict/alcoholic daughter whom I've turned over to God.
There is no one, not one single soul on this earth worth dying for, and for me to use again is to die.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. it am sure it is different living with the active addict & not using. your soberity is the most important thing. i agree with all your friends., let him go, let him hit his bottom. his recovery is his, yours is yours. it does not matter what you do he is going to use until he gets ready to quit. are you going to meetings? focus on you & keep coming back. i am very proud of you. hugs & prayers,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Schana.
If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here. Most of us found that if we sat too close, if we didn't take a giant step back, that we got drawn in to their hell rather than dragging them into our light.
There is help available for him, the Salvation Army program costs nothing and is a good program that has helped many. The thing is, it is he who must make the decision to stop and it is he who must reach out for help...and he will only do this when the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of living life clean.
But this forum is about you. As mentioned above, Alanon, Naranon and CoDA meetings have helped many of us find our balance again and learn to live healthy lives.
One thought that I had when reading your post...if you are on probation or parole, living with an active addict may put you at risk of legal trouble too.
Please protect yourself, your life may depend on it. And know we are here to walk with you as you find your way in recovery.
Hugs
If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here. Most of us found that if we sat too close, if we didn't take a giant step back, that we got drawn in to their hell rather than dragging them into our light.
There is help available for him, the Salvation Army program costs nothing and is a good program that has helped many. The thing is, it is he who must make the decision to stop and it is he who must reach out for help...and he will only do this when the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of living life clean.
But this forum is about you. As mentioned above, Alanon, Naranon and CoDA meetings have helped many of us find our balance again and learn to live healthy lives.
One thought that I had when reading your post...if you are on probation or parole, living with an active addict may put you at risk of legal trouble too.
Please protect yourself, your life may depend on it. And know we are here to walk with you as you find your way in recovery.
Hugs
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
As my grandma used to say "you've hoed a long hard row", you've painstakedly dug and chipped away at the dirt of addiction, the ground is saturated with your very own blood sweat and tears to obtain your sobriety, your sanity. Imagine if you will, someone comming right behind you and just stomping that row of dirt you just spent three years+ howing and tending, imagine them stomping it down solid, almost as if no one had ever worked it to plant the seeds of life. That is what you are at risk of today. Do you protect that hard work? Or are you willing to take the risk of starting all over again?
You may not feel that your own sobriety is at risk, but from an outsiders point of view, you face a double whammy. Addiction and Co-Dependancy.
First priority is protecting your sobriety. Second priority is moving your life forward in a healthy happy way. Step out of your own shoes for a second and look at yourself and this relationship, pretend you are a stranger on the sidelines. Can that woman you see move forward with that lead weight binding her feet? Does she keep looking back, pulling her own weight, to try to pull someone elses for them, when they don't really care if they move forward or not?
Even if your sobriety is not at issue, are you willing to be anchored to that same spot for the rest of your life, or do you want to move forward with your life, to plant your own garden of growth?
Your friends are still looking out for you and their advice is born of their own love and concern for YOU. They see the picture playing from the outside looking in.
Whatever you decide to do, sending you hugs and prayers.
B
You may not feel that your own sobriety is at risk, but from an outsiders point of view, you face a double whammy. Addiction and Co-Dependancy.
First priority is protecting your sobriety. Second priority is moving your life forward in a healthy happy way. Step out of your own shoes for a second and look at yourself and this relationship, pretend you are a stranger on the sidelines. Can that woman you see move forward with that lead weight binding her feet? Does she keep looking back, pulling her own weight, to try to pull someone elses for them, when they don't really care if they move forward or not?
Even if your sobriety is not at issue, are you willing to be anchored to that same spot for the rest of your life, or do you want to move forward with your life, to plant your own garden of growth?
Your friends are still looking out for you and their advice is born of their own love and concern for YOU. They see the picture playing from the outside looking in.
Whatever you decide to do, sending you hugs and prayers.
B
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Congratulations on you for your sobriety - that is a long time to have under your belt.
What I have found in my life is that I become a victim of my environment. If I am around people who party or engage in any behavior that I dont want for myself, eventually I will get used to the behavior and i will become less and less able to resist joining in with them. I'm not an addict but I was involved in that lifestyle in 80s and I know that i could very easily slip back into that lifestyle and would easily become an addict. So for me I learned to pick and choose friends and SOs who mimic the lifestyle that I want to have. Early on in my life I walked away from all the people who used and surrounded myself with people who gave me strength and who positively influenced my life.
However much you want to help him you will do him no good if you jeopardize your own sobriety. This is a lesson i'm hoping that my own AS will learn in time because I know that there is no way he has the strength to stay clean if he is around people who use. You state that you could not have done the remarkable things you have done without those positive people standing behind you - so by your own words if you know that positive people help you then you must also know that negative people can hurt you. He is not a positive person right now and could draw you back into that world. Your sobriety has to come before his.
What I have found in my life is that I become a victim of my environment. If I am around people who party or engage in any behavior that I dont want for myself, eventually I will get used to the behavior and i will become less and less able to resist joining in with them. I'm not an addict but I was involved in that lifestyle in 80s and I know that i could very easily slip back into that lifestyle and would easily become an addict. So for me I learned to pick and choose friends and SOs who mimic the lifestyle that I want to have. Early on in my life I walked away from all the people who used and surrounded myself with people who gave me strength and who positively influenced my life.
However much you want to help him you will do him no good if you jeopardize your own sobriety. This is a lesson i'm hoping that my own AS will learn in time because I know that there is no way he has the strength to stay clean if he is around people who use. You state that you could not have done the remarkable things you have done without those positive people standing behind you - so by your own words if you know that positive people help you then you must also know that negative people can hurt you. He is not a positive person right now and could draw you back into that world. Your sobriety has to come before his.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Sierra Vista Arizona
Posts: 24
I want to say thank you to everyone!!! I know this is going to be a long hard road but I also know that everyone is right. It took me like 10 seconds after reading all of your posts to realize the one thing i already knew. He has to do it on his own.
I know I said that my sobriety was not an issue but looking back I realize that I have been struggling with it for a couple of months now. I know what I have to do. I just got off the phone with my mom and me and the kids are moving back home (once again). I could just kick him out but I would never be able to afford the bills on my own. Even though he is an active addict he is working and pays most of the bills. I go to school and raise the kids. I only have a pt job and that doesn't cover the bills.
Now I just have to keep myself from running to help him everytime He or I thinks he needs it and that is going to be REALLY hard. And living with my mom is going to be rough too. We have alot of different views on things especially the way I raise my children, but I know that it is the best thing right now.
Now how do I keep from running to him?? That is going to be my biggest thing. I know falling flat on my face and going to prison was what made me realize that the life I was in was not the life I wanted, but he went too and it didn't work for him.
Ann no I am no longer on parole but legal issues still could arise. I know that. My fiancee is on Parole still and they violated him we don't know if he is going to go back to prison or not. We'll find out on Monday. He told his P.O. that he wanted to go to Rehab but she told him he couldn't because his point scores in Prison were to high. I was there for that so I know at least that isn't a lie. But I don't know if it was him really wanting to go or if it was just him telling her that cuz I told him he had to do something
I know I'm going to need alot of help with this and talking to all of you is already starting to help
Thanks again everyone
Schana
I know I said that my sobriety was not an issue but looking back I realize that I have been struggling with it for a couple of months now. I know what I have to do. I just got off the phone with my mom and me and the kids are moving back home (once again). I could just kick him out but I would never be able to afford the bills on my own. Even though he is an active addict he is working and pays most of the bills. I go to school and raise the kids. I only have a pt job and that doesn't cover the bills.
Now I just have to keep myself from running to help him everytime He or I thinks he needs it and that is going to be REALLY hard. And living with my mom is going to be rough too. We have alot of different views on things especially the way I raise my children, but I know that it is the best thing right now.
Now how do I keep from running to him?? That is going to be my biggest thing. I know falling flat on my face and going to prison was what made me realize that the life I was in was not the life I wanted, but he went too and it didn't work for him.
Ann no I am no longer on parole but legal issues still could arise. I know that. My fiancee is on Parole still and they violated him we don't know if he is going to go back to prison or not. We'll find out on Monday. He told his P.O. that he wanted to go to Rehab but she told him he couldn't because his point scores in Prison were to high. I was there for that so I know at least that isn't a lie. But I don't know if it was him really wanting to go or if it was just him telling her that cuz I told him he had to do something
I know I'm going to need alot of help with this and talking to all of you is already starting to help
Thanks again everyone
Schana
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Good for you! remember staying with your Mom isnt permanent and we can all handle something for a little while. Just think of it as time to get your footing so that you can take care of things on your own. I know its scary thinking about being a single mom - but from one single mom to another its not impossible. Its hard i wont lie to you but we do get through it and just like living with your mom, its not forever.
I thought when my husband left that i couldnt survive without him and in the beginning if he had asked i probably would have gone back. now after almost two years there is no way i would ever go back to that craziness. My life is much more peaceful without him and all of the surprises that always came up with him.
I thought when my husband left that i couldnt survive without him and in the beginning if he had asked i probably would have gone back. now after almost two years there is no way i would ever go back to that craziness. My life is much more peaceful without him and all of the surprises that always came up with him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Schana, keep posting. I'd recommend a couple of starter books for you, one being "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood, and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Also, see if there are any Alanon or Naranon meetings available in your area and keep the focus on YOU, not on him. He does NOT need you running to his rescue.
My EXAH (now deceased) was a habitual felony offender, had already done time twice in the penitentiary when I met him (had just gotten out after serving time for armed robbery), and did a third time on a parole violation after we had moved in together.
I was convinced if I just loved him enough, was kind enough, patient enough, yada yada yada yada that he would straighten out. He was using meth again (we were both IV meth users) within a month of getting out after the year on the PV and it only went downhill from there. We both ended up using on a daily basis. He was violent, psychotic, and beat me.
He never did find recovery and was buried a couple of years ago at the age of 47, complications from AIDS contracted from sharing needles with another female while I was in rehab. Had I gone back home to him after I got out of rehab (God works in mysterious ways), I would have contracted HIV too.
Your life is at stake, girl. Think long and hard when that urge to 'rescue' comes up.
:ghug :ghug
My EXAH (now deceased) was a habitual felony offender, had already done time twice in the penitentiary when I met him (had just gotten out after serving time for armed robbery), and did a third time on a parole violation after we had moved in together.
I was convinced if I just loved him enough, was kind enough, patient enough, yada yada yada yada that he would straighten out. He was using meth again (we were both IV meth users) within a month of getting out after the year on the PV and it only went downhill from there. We both ended up using on a daily basis. He was violent, psychotic, and beat me.
He never did find recovery and was buried a couple of years ago at the age of 47, complications from AIDS contracted from sharing needles with another female while I was in rehab. Had I gone back home to him after I got out of rehab (God works in mysterious ways), I would have contracted HIV too.
Your life is at stake, girl. Think long and hard when that urge to 'rescue' comes up.
:ghug :ghug
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
First of all congratulations on your sobriety!
I don't have to tell you how dangerous it is for you to be around someone who is actively using, because you know that.
I also don't have to tell you that there isn't anything you can do or say that will make him stop. You know that this is something that he must do for himself.
I do have to tell you that as long as you comfort him and give him that warm place to fall, he'll never stop. You have to be strong enough to tell him you love him but will not risk your sobriety by being around him.
I realize that people were there for you, but you know you were ready to give it up. No one did it for you, just as no one can do it for him.
I know you love him just as we love all of our addicts; however, if you love him you have to let him go.
Hugs, Devastated
I don't have to tell you how dangerous it is for you to be around someone who is actively using, because you know that.
I also don't have to tell you that there isn't anything you can do or say that will make him stop. You know that this is something that he must do for himself.
I do have to tell you that as long as you comfort him and give him that warm place to fall, he'll never stop. You have to be strong enough to tell him you love him but will not risk your sobriety by being around him.
I realize that people were there for you, but you know you were ready to give it up. No one did it for you, just as no one can do it for him.
I know you love him just as we love all of our addicts; however, if you love him you have to let him go.
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Aryana 
Hi all I'm new to this forum but not to recovery, My name is Schana and I have been clean and sober for almost 3 1/2 years and I am really proud of myself for that. Although most of my time being sober was spent in prison I have over a year being out, My recovery is not my problem anymore. I Have been with my Fiancee for about 4 years and we have gone through some REALLY difficult times. He is still addicted. He spent over 2 years in prison and was clean there. When he came home all was good or so I thought. He started using again about 3 weeks after he came home and it was just little things i noticed at first but being an addict myself I know all the classic signs of meth use. I love him so much but I just don't know what to do anymore... I know that if the people that helped me through all of this would have just given up on me through all my falls I wouldn't be where I am today. Now they are the ones that are telling me to give up on him. I know how hard it is and I know that you have to do it yourself but is it truly right for me to just turn my back?? Does anyone have any advice that they could give me? It's really not the same going through it yourself and going through it with someone else.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Now how do I keep from running to him?? That is going to be my biggest thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Sierra Vista Arizona
Posts: 24
Okay so here is the crazy thing about today...I told him I was moving home and he freaked out. I told him that I couldn't live with all of this and I know that I can't make him want to get help...He promised that he would go first thing Monday morning and get help if I just stayed. I told him that I will stand behind him if he did that but I still was not going to stay that if he really wanted this family he would do it whether I was there or not. YAY for me I packed some of mine and the kids stuff and went home. After that I went shopping with my mom and I ran into a friend that I have not seen in a very long time. He always seems to pop up when I'm in a crisis. He was there when I got arrested and when I came home and needed help staying clean. He was there when I was divorcing my first husband for abuse. My mom tried telling me that things never happen by coincidence and that God keeps putting him in my life and that maybe it's actually him I should be with. I can't even imagine being with him cuz I'm to in love with my fiancee but he has always been a REALLY good friend...Crazy how things work sometimes ya know.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by Aryana
Okay so here is the crazy thing about today...I told him I was moving home and he freaked out. I told him that I couldn't live with all of this and I know that I can't make him want to get help...He promised that he would go first thing Monday morning and get help if I just stayed. I told him that I will stand behind him if he did that but I still was not going to stay that if he really wanted this family he would do it whether I was there or not. YAY for me I packed some of mine and the kids stuff and went home. After that I went shopping with my mom and I ran into a friend that I have not seen in a very long time. He always seems to pop up when I'm in a crisis. He was there when I got arrested and when I came home and needed help staying clean. He was there when I was divorcing my first husband for abuse. My mom tried telling me that things never happen by coincidence and that God keeps putting him in my life and that maybe it's actually him I should be with. I can't even imagine being with him cuz I'm to in love with my fiancee but he has always been a REALLY good friend...Crazy how things work sometimes ya know.
HOWEVER.... mom???????? urgh....
I'd have to bonk her on the head, ever so lightly.....
Darlin, never jump from the frying pan to fire................
Take the guy appearing as a sign, that there are loving supportive people around you when you are ready to accept them and love that kind of love for you.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Let it be a reminder that one dosen't have to have 'romantic' love to be complete.
Friends, family, and others whom you know, can provide you with solid loving relationships minus the sex!
Take care,
cess
Last edited by cessy68; 03-21-2009 at 06:45 PM. Reason: wrong saying.. lol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Sierra Vista Arizona
Posts: 24
I have to agree with you there Cess...I know that he is just a really good friend we established that years ago. I told my mom that and I know that I could NEVER jump into another relationship anytime in the near future even if me and him don't work out. I was reading all the post about Co-Dependency today and DING DING DING wow does it fit me to a "T". I took Freedom's advice and I ordered co-dependent no more (Thanks Freedom!!!!) I'll start there. Unfortunately the small town I live in the only meetings that they have are AA and NA none of the other ones but my mom said that there is one at her church that covers all types of addictions so I think I'll start there. If that doesn't work I think I just might go tho the city and take up a meeting there even though the gas situation might be kinda rough I think it will be worth it
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
Aryana,
Congratulations on your strength. I am so proud of you. I told my AS about "crabs in a basket". While you are trying to pull yourself out of the basket, they are reaching up for you, trying to pull you back down. And.....actions speak louder than words. Take care and God bless.
Congratulations on your strength. I am so proud of you. I told my AS about "crabs in a basket". While you are trying to pull yourself out of the basket, they are reaching up for you, trying to pull you back down. And.....actions speak louder than words. Take care and God bless.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Good for you on ordering the book! Man oh man did that ever open up my eyes!
I am so stinking proud of you I'd pop the buttons on my shirt if I had one that buttoned up!
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, hon! :ghug
I am so stinking proud of you I'd pop the buttons on my shirt if I had one that buttoned up!
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, hon! :ghug
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