Can't let go of my recovering ex-girlfriend
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ireland
Posts: 2
Can't let go of my recovering ex-girlfriend
I'm not sure how best to explain my situation so I guess I'll just lay it out chronologically and hopefully someone can advise me on what to do now. Thanks.
My ex-girlfriend and I were great friends and drinking buddies during our college days (starting in '96) despite me being 7 years older than her. I even went to visit her when she took a year out of college to live abroad. We didn't see each other much after college, just a few times some years later.
One day in late 2006 I bumped into her by chance crossing the river and we went for a drink. She told me her mother had recently died and she was feeling pretty down. We arranged to meet up again and after no more than a couple more times meeing we ended up together and I moved in with her almost straight away. We'd always been great friends so after some initial teething troubles everything was great. We really truly loved each other like I hadn't known was possible. She has such a shiining light of life in her that it always lifted my heart to see her, from the first time I met her.
All the whiile she was a secret drinker and an alcoholic, which she knew. Her mother had been an alcoholic and her father is an alcoholic, as are couple of other members of his family. After just over a year together, as her behaviour became more erratic she finally went into rehab. While there she said that she would have gone in sooner but was afraid that if I found out about her alcoholism that she would lose me. I told her I loved her no matter what and I knew what a wonderful person she was as did many other people.
She hasn't had a drink since and her conviction never to drink again seems unshakeable. In the months after completing rehab we were extremely happy. There were other concerns such as her issue with her weight. She also had a fear of trusting or sharing with anyone but I thought that after the openess of the sessions in rehab that we had overcome that somewhat. Both of us said that although we'd been in long term relationships before we hadn't felt this way before and now we understood what love felt like.
After the program finished she went to AA for a short while but soon stopped. She went to see her program director a few times also, and always came back much happier, but that also stopped. After some months there was a definite change in our relationship and I knew something was wrong but neither of us are great communicators and so I had to confront her and demand she told me what was wrong because otherwise we could never fix it. She said that her relationships always ends in disaster so she always looked for the flaws before the other person could find them. Over the next few months, despite the fact that over 90% of the time we were still really happy with each other, the relationship deteriorated as she kept rejecting me and pushing me away whenever I tried to help her or do something for her that she saw as me getting too close.
At this time my younger brother, who is bingeing alcoholic and a very, very annoying drunk, began to call to our apartment drunk almost every weekend even after I finally forbade him from doing so. This only added to the strain and eventually I began to go drinking more than before, which is still not a lot but more than I liked even at the time. She encouraged me to go to the pub at times because then she could have the apartment to herself. She began to resent my presence in the apartment and would sometimes stay over with friends. She had often done this before but not so frequently. We had never stopped each other from doing our own things so it was difficult to start questioning her behaviour at this time, though I now know I should have.
One day, after she had snapped at me for suggesting I help her organise her bank accounts which are always in chaos, I sent her a text saying that I had had enough of her using me as an emotional punchbag and that sometimes I needed her support too. I was in the process of starting my own business and feeling extra stressed. She apologised but I feel now that this was the end of things as far as she was concerned as she cannot bear to be disapproved of or given out to. The strain was obvious over the next few weeks and I tried to get her to talk to me but she always managed to avoid doing so. One morning she got upset because I didn't made her a cup of tea and when I asked her what was really wrong she told me it was over. No talking, no real reasons, just over. I tried to get her to talk but she refused so I said fine and I'd move my stuff out as soon as possible.
I met her a few days later and she showed no remorse or sadness that we were finished and spoke to me as if I was some old friend she hadn't seen for a while so I got annoyed and barely spoke to her. She then asked if I would continue to pay the bills as she was temporarily out of work. I got more annoyed at this and on our way back to the apartment she asked me to come in for a cup of tea and I said that I couldn't think of anything I'd like to do less and asked her to leave me alone in the aprtment to move some of my stuff out. She was visibly upset by this but I was too annoyed to care.
Three months later we had started to get on reasonably well again and had said we still loved each other but she had said that it just couldn't work because she's more f**ked up than I'll ever know. One evening about 2 months ago she decided to tell me that the evening I'd refused her offer of a cup of tea she had run off to a "friend" of hers and slept with him "out of meanness" and was now pregnant.
I still love her with all my heart and despite all her problems I know that she's just a lost frightened girl who lashes at at people who are close to her because she's confused and afraid. I've told her that I still love her and always will no matter what happens but she refuses to accept this.
I'm now trying to leave her alone and hope that she will her realise that she has to relate with and empathise with others even if she hates it as her child will leave her with no choice but to do so. I worry about her all the time and though the hurt of what she has done to me is crushing me I can't let go of how I feel about her. Although most days are now bearable, sometimes the realisation of what's happened pours into my head and flattens me.
Thanks to anyone who has made it through this extremely long post.
Any and all advice gratefully accepted as my head is all over the place.
My ex-girlfriend and I were great friends and drinking buddies during our college days (starting in '96) despite me being 7 years older than her. I even went to visit her when she took a year out of college to live abroad. We didn't see each other much after college, just a few times some years later.
One day in late 2006 I bumped into her by chance crossing the river and we went for a drink. She told me her mother had recently died and she was feeling pretty down. We arranged to meet up again and after no more than a couple more times meeing we ended up together and I moved in with her almost straight away. We'd always been great friends so after some initial teething troubles everything was great. We really truly loved each other like I hadn't known was possible. She has such a shiining light of life in her that it always lifted my heart to see her, from the first time I met her.
All the whiile she was a secret drinker and an alcoholic, which she knew. Her mother had been an alcoholic and her father is an alcoholic, as are couple of other members of his family. After just over a year together, as her behaviour became more erratic she finally went into rehab. While there she said that she would have gone in sooner but was afraid that if I found out about her alcoholism that she would lose me. I told her I loved her no matter what and I knew what a wonderful person she was as did many other people.
She hasn't had a drink since and her conviction never to drink again seems unshakeable. In the months after completing rehab we were extremely happy. There were other concerns such as her issue with her weight. She also had a fear of trusting or sharing with anyone but I thought that after the openess of the sessions in rehab that we had overcome that somewhat. Both of us said that although we'd been in long term relationships before we hadn't felt this way before and now we understood what love felt like.
After the program finished she went to AA for a short while but soon stopped. She went to see her program director a few times also, and always came back much happier, but that also stopped. After some months there was a definite change in our relationship and I knew something was wrong but neither of us are great communicators and so I had to confront her and demand she told me what was wrong because otherwise we could never fix it. She said that her relationships always ends in disaster so she always looked for the flaws before the other person could find them. Over the next few months, despite the fact that over 90% of the time we were still really happy with each other, the relationship deteriorated as she kept rejecting me and pushing me away whenever I tried to help her or do something for her that she saw as me getting too close.
At this time my younger brother, who is bingeing alcoholic and a very, very annoying drunk, began to call to our apartment drunk almost every weekend even after I finally forbade him from doing so. This only added to the strain and eventually I began to go drinking more than before, which is still not a lot but more than I liked even at the time. She encouraged me to go to the pub at times because then she could have the apartment to herself. She began to resent my presence in the apartment and would sometimes stay over with friends. She had often done this before but not so frequently. We had never stopped each other from doing our own things so it was difficult to start questioning her behaviour at this time, though I now know I should have.
One day, after she had snapped at me for suggesting I help her organise her bank accounts which are always in chaos, I sent her a text saying that I had had enough of her using me as an emotional punchbag and that sometimes I needed her support too. I was in the process of starting my own business and feeling extra stressed. She apologised but I feel now that this was the end of things as far as she was concerned as she cannot bear to be disapproved of or given out to. The strain was obvious over the next few weeks and I tried to get her to talk to me but she always managed to avoid doing so. One morning she got upset because I didn't made her a cup of tea and when I asked her what was really wrong she told me it was over. No talking, no real reasons, just over. I tried to get her to talk but she refused so I said fine and I'd move my stuff out as soon as possible.
I met her a few days later and she showed no remorse or sadness that we were finished and spoke to me as if I was some old friend she hadn't seen for a while so I got annoyed and barely spoke to her. She then asked if I would continue to pay the bills as she was temporarily out of work. I got more annoyed at this and on our way back to the apartment she asked me to come in for a cup of tea and I said that I couldn't think of anything I'd like to do less and asked her to leave me alone in the aprtment to move some of my stuff out. She was visibly upset by this but I was too annoyed to care.
Three months later we had started to get on reasonably well again and had said we still loved each other but she had said that it just couldn't work because she's more f**ked up than I'll ever know. One evening about 2 months ago she decided to tell me that the evening I'd refused her offer of a cup of tea she had run off to a "friend" of hers and slept with him "out of meanness" and was now pregnant.
I still love her with all my heart and despite all her problems I know that she's just a lost frightened girl who lashes at at people who are close to her because she's confused and afraid. I've told her that I still love her and always will no matter what happens but she refuses to accept this.
I'm now trying to leave her alone and hope that she will her realise that she has to relate with and empathise with others even if she hates it as her child will leave her with no choice but to do so. I worry about her all the time and though the hurt of what she has done to me is crushing me I can't let go of how I feel about her. Although most days are now bearable, sometimes the realisation of what's happened pours into my head and flattens me.
Thanks to anyone who has made it through this extremely long post.
Any and all advice gratefully accepted as my head is all over the place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR.
What do you want for your life? It's obvious that she does not have any plan for including you in her future.
Just from what you've posted, she's got some issues that haven't been addressed, and whether she will ever address them or not, well that's up to her and no one else.
Just because she's going to have a child doesn't mean she's going to empathize with others either.
She's moved on with her life.
What are you going to do with yours?
What do you want for your life? It's obvious that she does not have any plan for including you in her future.
Just from what you've posted, she's got some issues that haven't been addressed, and whether she will ever address them or not, well that's up to her and no one else.
Just because she's going to have a child doesn't mean she's going to empathize with others either.
She's moved on with her life.
What are you going to do with yours?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm sorry you're going through this, E69. Unrequited love is one of the hardest things human beings have to face, in my opinion.
We can be magnificant people and do everything "right" but sometimes, our feelings just aren't reciprocated. You can bandy about the rights, wrongs, shoulds, shouldn'ts, whys, etc. until you're blue in the face, but the sad fact remains that someone no longer feels the same way about you that they used to. Moving forward, you seem to have two choices;
1) stay in the stew, analyzing every little thing, trying to figure out how to turn things our way again, not believing there just isn't a way, or
2) face the miserable truth -- that she does not want what you want -- and work on finding a way to redirect your energy into other things until time does its healing work.
I know your heart is damaged and so while I could give you a dozen reasons why you might be better off without this person in your life (her story, though you accept it, does not ring true to me, if only for the reason that I have used those same excuses to break up before), none of that will help you right now.
What you might want to do is get some help working through your grief with a counselor, coach, or similar. I know that has helped me in the past, along with staying very busy doing things I was passionate about, and also redirecting my tenderness into people who really wanted and needed it. Time and tenderness with yourself has to do the rest.
I'm sorry.
We can be magnificant people and do everything "right" but sometimes, our feelings just aren't reciprocated. You can bandy about the rights, wrongs, shoulds, shouldn'ts, whys, etc. until you're blue in the face, but the sad fact remains that someone no longer feels the same way about you that they used to. Moving forward, you seem to have two choices;
1) stay in the stew, analyzing every little thing, trying to figure out how to turn things our way again, not believing there just isn't a way, or
2) face the miserable truth -- that she does not want what you want -- and work on finding a way to redirect your energy into other things until time does its healing work.
I know your heart is damaged and so while I could give you a dozen reasons why you might be better off without this person in your life (her story, though you accept it, does not ring true to me, if only for the reason that I have used those same excuses to break up before), none of that will help you right now.
What you might want to do is get some help working through your grief with a counselor, coach, or similar. I know that has helped me in the past, along with staying very busy doing things I was passionate about, and also redirecting my tenderness into people who really wanted and needed it. Time and tenderness with yourself has to do the rest.
I'm sorry.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
that's the kind of stuff we tell ourselves that keeps us HOOKED. she's NOT a child, she's a full grown woman living her life somewhat messily but exactly as SHE deems fit. she's not a helpless little kitten caught in a snowstorm needing you to swoop in and tuck her in your nice warm coat. she is under NO obligation to acknowledge or return your feelings for her. she's made that pretty clear thru her ACTIONS.
so during this relationship, what were YOU getting out of it? with all the ups and downs and offs and ons and come here/go away, now you see me/now you don't stuff - what was going on inside of you that made that seem like the best thing since sliced bread? because however faulty, you were getting "needs" met and now today without her to fix/save/help/shelter/rescue, you're feeling a big void.
so during this relationship, what were YOU getting out of it? with all the ups and downs and offs and ons and come here/go away, now you see me/now you don't stuff - what was going on inside of you that made that seem like the best thing since sliced bread? because however faulty, you were getting "needs" met and now today without her to fix/save/help/shelter/rescue, you're feeling a big void.
I too went through the "caretaker mode", the "white knight to protect her" mode, the "Mr. Enabler" mode until I realized all these things would only cushion her from feeling the consequences of HER CHOICES.
I still love her, still have compassion for her, and will still help her, only if that help is to enter treatment.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 49
I'm in a similar situation with a recovering ex boyfriend. he is in recovery and seems to want to keep me at a major arms lengths though i still love him. sometimes not knowing what the future will bring makes me desperate - like i need to cling to him - to my idealized 'us' that i've created in my head. what im starting to learn though is that realistically, i wouldn't want him the way he is now anyway. people in recovery are going through some heavy **** that is THEIRS. like your ex gf, my boyfriend obviously needs to learn to love himself. i know that if this doesnt happen, any relationship with him would be doomed anyway. and that's not something i want.
the best advice i can give is to let her do her thing. she's letting you know what she needs right now and somehow you need to carry on with your life. try learning about codependency, try an al anon meeting. there are lots of books on this subjects and lots of people on this board who will listen to you and offer support. I can tell you it gets better - it really does. you just need to love yourself, and give yourself time to heal.
be good to yourself
you're not alone
the best advice i can give is to let her do her thing. she's letting you know what she needs right now and somehow you need to carry on with your life. try learning about codependency, try an al anon meeting. there are lots of books on this subjects and lots of people on this board who will listen to you and offer support. I can tell you it gets better - it really does. you just need to love yourself, and give yourself time to heal.
be good to yourself
you're not alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ireland
Posts: 2
Many thanks for all the helpful replies.
While I have already in some sense been aware of almost everything that's been said I suppose having someone else point these things out is always helpful, even if in some instances hard to accept. Also hearing different perspectives and opinions reflects the many conflicting and contradictory thoughts, opinions and emotions that run through your head making you a bit crazy but realising that they are all part of the process is reassuring.
For the sake of clarity I'm going to address some of the points made, all of which I accept to be valid. I am not trying to renege on anything I said nor trying to disagree with anyone, just trying to be clear.
I know that she still has several major issues to deal with and that she must deal with them herself and as with her alcoholism she has to make those decisions for herself and no one can make deal with them. I suppose the hardest part of this is knowing that she knows she has these issues and has admitted almost all of them to me and having been part of her addressing her alcoholism I can't be part of her addressing everything else.
I do realise she is not a child and I described her as such to describe our dynamic as much as anything else. I know that that's the role she plays and both of us know that I fall for it most of the time. She admitted to playing that role in previous relationships and in everyday life. She does play power games with everybody in her life and the little girl role is used a lot. In addition to this is another major issue which she almost admitted to me after her final visit to her rehab program director which is the fact that she is emotionally extremely immature which is in keeping with the little girl role she plays.
As for me playing the "caretaker" role, several factors play into that. She's 5'2" and slim (with weight issues) and I'm a big athletic guy (6'4" about 250lbs), I'm 7 years older than her and I've been training as and recently opened my own business as a physical therapist so looking after people is what I do and is my mindset.
As for what I got out of the relationship, well first and foremost I felt happiness, more by a long way than I can recall ever feeling. Happiness, contentment, a connection and for the first time not feeling isolated or alone. In addition the "caretaker" role obviously made me feel better about myself and maybe subconsciously I was happy to have a "project".
I also know that she doesn't love herself and despite me constantly telling her how great she was I know that she didn't ever really believe me and still has feelings of self-hate and loathing.
Her story doesn't ring true to me either and wondering what lies she told me and when they started is also something I'm finding hard to deal with. I've tried several times to get her to tell me exactly what happened/went wrong and each time it's been a different set of reasons, most of which I later realise to be untrue. Some of her criticisms I accept to be valid but not valid enough to end a relationship without explanation. She is emotionally detached and so getting through her barriers is extremely difficult and upsetting so I am trying to accept that I will not find out the real reasons for a long time if ever. The fact that she has said that she still loves me but has to be on her own as she can't live with anyone else is also difficult to deal with and doesn't help me to move on because it's either true, which adds to my confusion, or a lie, which means it's part of a power game, which it probably is either way. I'm feel like I'm talking myself in circles here.
I fully accept the logic of what everyone has posted but as I'm sure you all realise, detaching myself from my emotions is extremely difficult.
Once again thanks to all who have read my post and heartfelt gratitude to all who have posted replies.
While I have already in some sense been aware of almost everything that's been said I suppose having someone else point these things out is always helpful, even if in some instances hard to accept. Also hearing different perspectives and opinions reflects the many conflicting and contradictory thoughts, opinions and emotions that run through your head making you a bit crazy but realising that they are all part of the process is reassuring.
For the sake of clarity I'm going to address some of the points made, all of which I accept to be valid. I am not trying to renege on anything I said nor trying to disagree with anyone, just trying to be clear.
I know that she still has several major issues to deal with and that she must deal with them herself and as with her alcoholism she has to make those decisions for herself and no one can make deal with them. I suppose the hardest part of this is knowing that she knows she has these issues and has admitted almost all of them to me and having been part of her addressing her alcoholism I can't be part of her addressing everything else.
I do realise she is not a child and I described her as such to describe our dynamic as much as anything else. I know that that's the role she plays and both of us know that I fall for it most of the time. She admitted to playing that role in previous relationships and in everyday life. She does play power games with everybody in her life and the little girl role is used a lot. In addition to this is another major issue which she almost admitted to me after her final visit to her rehab program director which is the fact that she is emotionally extremely immature which is in keeping with the little girl role she plays.
As for me playing the "caretaker" role, several factors play into that. She's 5'2" and slim (with weight issues) and I'm a big athletic guy (6'4" about 250lbs), I'm 7 years older than her and I've been training as and recently opened my own business as a physical therapist so looking after people is what I do and is my mindset.
As for what I got out of the relationship, well first and foremost I felt happiness, more by a long way than I can recall ever feeling. Happiness, contentment, a connection and for the first time not feeling isolated or alone. In addition the "caretaker" role obviously made me feel better about myself and maybe subconsciously I was happy to have a "project".
I also know that she doesn't love herself and despite me constantly telling her how great she was I know that she didn't ever really believe me and still has feelings of self-hate and loathing.
Her story doesn't ring true to me either and wondering what lies she told me and when they started is also something I'm finding hard to deal with. I've tried several times to get her to tell me exactly what happened/went wrong and each time it's been a different set of reasons, most of which I later realise to be untrue. Some of her criticisms I accept to be valid but not valid enough to end a relationship without explanation. She is emotionally detached and so getting through her barriers is extremely difficult and upsetting so I am trying to accept that I will not find out the real reasons for a long time if ever. The fact that she has said that she still loves me but has to be on her own as she can't live with anyone else is also difficult to deal with and doesn't help me to move on because it's either true, which adds to my confusion, or a lie, which means it's part of a power game, which it probably is either way. I'm feel like I'm talking myself in circles here.
I fully accept the logic of what everyone has posted but as I'm sure you all realise, detaching myself from my emotions is extremely difficult.
Once again thanks to all who have read my post and heartfelt gratitude to all who have posted replies.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
It might be helpful for you to read the "stickies" that are at the top of this forum page. And maybe open your mind to the concept of codependent behavior. As "family and friends" of alcoholics and addicts, we all tend to exhibit the caretaker role significantly and didn't always realize how emeshed we were with the other person while doing damage to ourselves. We too saw it as "caring" and being concerned about a loved one, but it gets a little skewed when you are dealing with someone with addictions, a little warped and NOT normal. I read a book called "Codependent No More" when I found myself in a low point in life dealing with my now ex-husband. It was written by Melodie Beattie, who has a way of reaching the masses and you might see yourself in the writing. It is always healthy to take care of the mind and soul along with the body. Please do some research, here and in codependency readings. You would be doing yourself a big favor, and quite possibly your ex-girlfriend also. Welcome. It's amazing how eye-opening this forum can be if you are willing to open your eyes. 
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