AlkalikeH

Hey SR girls and boys. This past week has been nothing short but f*cked. Work is going downhill, i can hardly concentrate on anything (from reading a book to writing or anything else, to be honest.) Anxiety has been through the roof. Emotions have been hitting me hard and have been feeling sicker than a dog. I even made a St. Patty´s thread because i did went to a private party in some obscure pub with some really good friends and a good crowd of drunken strangers. Had an good time, drank some Sprite cans, smoked a little bit too much (f*ck me!) and went back home. No big deal.

BUT yesterday i took a long walk in the middle of the night to try to calm myself down. Everything was going great, did a good hour or so and i ended up near the coast were everything is calm and quiet. Don´t ask me what the hell went through my mind but i started feeling like hell, completely detached from reality, pulse went through the roof, felt absolutely lost, like if i did not recognized were i really was. Tried to calm myself down but it became impossible when the mild "shaking" sensation of a panic attack began to grow. I started to headed back home, little money for a cab and buses take an eternity at those wee hours (taxis also cease to exists also, more on those isolated places). I walked and walked but nothing helped, it was a full blown panic attack, the mother of them all. I felt like i could not go on. Started to shake like if i were shitting nails.

So here comes the stupid-no-excuses part: I went through my wallet and found a benzo. When i reached the avenue a saw a Heineken sign not far from there. Headed to the bar. Went straight to the bartender and asked for their cheapest beer. Hands me 11oz of the most disgusting national brew. I pay him. Proceed to take the benzo and wash it down with it. Headed out right away. Somehow in my f*ucked up vicious head, i thought that would be like an injection of normality. Sat down by a nearby doorstep, the beer and the pill took effect in a few minutes. Took the long road again and came home. Drank around three huge bottles of water and went straight to bed.

Never ever in my entire addiction career mixed pills with booze, i know how out of control that can get and how harmful it is. Yet, i did it.

Woke up today, feeling ok but filled with disgust and blackness. When rational and peaceful, i have no issues or desires regarding my demons. Now i don´t even want to even drink or get fully medicated or be sober, i just want things to end. I don´t even have the strength nor the luxury to be depressed. In this stale state, or in a drunken, or a sober, or a medicated - my passions fade away and without passion, life is really not worth the trouble.

Thanks to anyone that reads this, SR has been key to get myself motivated on the greatest aspects of life - caring people caring for others. Shows me huge bits on what is left of goodness in this rock we call earth.

I am off to the doctor in 10. All the best. Thanks for letting me share

BKP

Glad you got it all out. It feels better to do that with people who will help you along. For me I feel this way often, I want to drink but have such a strong commitment towards others and never going to go back on my word. You seem like you are like this as well, you did the right thing by facing that issue and problem by making steps to move along well with a strong mindset.

Anna

These words really hit home with me.

When I was in early sobriety, I was used to being depressed and was 'comfortable' with feeling bad. When things started to improve, I would still get the urge to go back and wallow in the self-pity. I came to realize that this was something I could not afford to indulge in. If I allowed myself to go back into the darkness, I would begin the descent into addiction.


I'm glad you're back and that you're taking care of yourself.

flutter

Glad you're goin to the doc.. let us know how you're doing, H

Fubarcdn

Dust yourself off and learn from your experience.
Now you know that this is not what you want.
Thanks for sharing.

AlkalikeH

Thanks Flutter!

And thank you Anna, BKP, Anna and the rest.

So hard to carry all this inside of me, so good to be able to share.
You and all SR help people like me in immense ways. I bet you all know that too, just another big fat THANKS to this wonderful rockin´bunch of friends.

My "forced annual" (i already took one last August) came out great. Healthy as a horse. With all the messing around i have done all these 15 years i could be in a pretty sh*tty position health-wise, i am still going strong. That only gives me more strength to say: no more gambling with it.

Now i got to keep working on the emotional aspect. The engine is running perfectly, the engineer running it needs a couple of kicks in the as*.

For those just arriving: reach out for help, asap. We have wrecked our souls so bad that is taking a toll in our bodies. We need to face re-construction and it cannot be achieved by ourselves since we have only learned to dismiss ourselves. Get any amount of health you can achieve and then begin. Bleeding only means it is healing, this is a painful yet rewarding path. Be honest to doctors, family, friends, your dog, the newspaper guy, the world and first: be honest to yourself.

And for everyone on SR: Passion. Charity. Prudence. Hope. Love. Strength.

Thanks again !