God give me patience..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 161
God give me patience..
My road on recovery and bettering myself has been going great. Been sober for 12 days, feel great, I'm happy with myself and excited in the direction my new life is going..
I've been talking to my separated partner lately.. It has it's ups and downs, of course I want her to forgive me of my drinking past right away. But obviously she isn't ready after just 12 days. I just need to remember to keep being patient and let her heal.
We're gonna meet Sunday and I'm gonna make her dinner so we can talk. I just need to keep my patience and not say things to push her away.. Please god, give me strength to stay patient..
I've been talking to my separated partner lately.. It has it's ups and downs, of course I want her to forgive me of my drinking past right away. But obviously she isn't ready after just 12 days. I just need to remember to keep being patient and let her heal.
We're gonna meet Sunday and I'm gonna make her dinner so we can talk. I just need to keep my patience and not say things to push her away.. Please god, give me strength to stay patient..
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
You are doing great so far S.
I am coming up to 3 months and just starting to get some forgiveness after 3 months penance so be patient.
If I cooked dinner I would get more hugs but I am not going to go that far.
As far as dinner suggestions. If you know what her favorite meal is make that. The fact that you remember what her favorite meal is will melt any woman's heart.
Dress the table with her favorite flowers if you know what they are too but skip the candles it is too soon for that IMO.
Good luck and try to remain positive and don't push her.
I am coming up to 3 months and just starting to get some forgiveness after 3 months penance so be patient.
If I cooked dinner I would get more hugs but I am not going to go that far.
As far as dinner suggestions. If you know what her favorite meal is make that. The fact that you remember what her favorite meal is will melt any woman's heart.
Dress the table with her favorite flowers if you know what they are too but skip the candles it is too soon for that IMO.
Good luck and try to remain positive and don't push her.
Eternal optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: northeast
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by SHawk25 
My road on recovery and bettering myself has been going great. Been sober for 12 days, feel great, I'm happy with myself and excited in the direction my new life is going..
We're gonna meet Sunday and I'm gonna make her dinner so we can talk. I just need to keep my patience and not say things to push her away.. Please god, give me strength to stay patient..
We're gonna meet Sunday and I'm gonna make her dinner so we can talk. I just need to keep my patience and not say things to push her away.. Please god, give me strength to stay patient..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 49
Hey Brother, I too have been watching and reading your posts and replies to mine, so since I am really good at giving advice to others when I can't fix myself I do have a few suggestions for your first dinner back. The natural tendency is for you to wanna talk about the transgressions, the bad times and what you did wrong or at least perceive what you did wrong, how you are going to change etc. I think this could not be further from an actual productive evening. Leave all that to come up on its own accord in due time, DO NOT RUSH IT! Show her who you are and shine like you hope to become. If she tries to bring it up, which invariably will happen, sincerely say, "We have plenty of time to talk about that, for the moment, can I just be with you with a clear head and heart and enjoy you being you and me being me". Rushing back into old hurts will only bring them back to the surface, this is about reconnecting not reliving. The past is the past, leave it there, until you have more time under your belt and a sustained track record to use as the basis for a conversation about change and growth. Keep it light, keep it fun, cook together, throw food at her, be playful, have some good music on, not "Hey Baby" but some non-sentimental. I would suggest "Fire on the Mountain: Reggae Celebrates the Grateful Dead. Its a lot of fun, implies only fun without hidden sentimentality. I can find a way to get it to you. And who doesn't like Reggae ? ? ?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 161
Yeah I want to keep this as a "meeting to talk" dinner, not as a date.. I know a "date" environment would push her away.. And yes, I'm gonna focus on the new and improved me. And be positive and happy about who I am and where I'm going..
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Good for you! Lasagna. You can make it ahead. It actually taste better if made the day before and then warmed in the oven. Okay - that's my favorite dinner. I don't know her tastes. LOL! Good luck and you'll be fine.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
I have 1 yr and a month of sobriety and my husband still has not forgiven me. I didn't cheat on him or anything. I lied about my drinking.
As a woman, I would so strongly disagree with JerryBear's advice. I think reggae is boring and if my partner had done something bad to me and then side-stepped talking about it while throwing food at me, I would consider it rude.
If I were you, SHawk, I would be your own charming self. When it is appropriate (somewhere toward the beginning of the evening in order to set the tone) I would say gently that you have no agenda other than to listen and respond if she wants to talk about the events of the past couple of weeks. If she wants answers from you, you will do your best. If she just needs you to listen, you will do your best.
If you do, in fact, have an agenda - I would re-think it. I think she should be the one saying what happens here.
You know, she may need to yell at you. She may need to cry. She may need to tell you what a shmuck you've been and how she doesn't know if she'll ever trust you again. No matter what she does, DO NOT throw food at her like JerryBear suggests.
And if she initiates a conversation, I think you would do better to respect that needs to talk about it than to try to put off talking about anything too deep.
JerryBear, no offense intended. I'm sure there are plenty of food-throwing, reggae-listening, conversation-avoiding men out there (including you) that are totally sweet and nice.
Sorry for the hard time JerryBear - I'm teasing you a bit. Hope you don't mind.
As a woman, I would so strongly disagree with JerryBear's advice. I think reggae is boring and if my partner had done something bad to me and then side-stepped talking about it while throwing food at me, I would consider it rude.
If I were you, SHawk, I would be your own charming self. When it is appropriate (somewhere toward the beginning of the evening in order to set the tone) I would say gently that you have no agenda other than to listen and respond if she wants to talk about the events of the past couple of weeks. If she wants answers from you, you will do your best. If she just needs you to listen, you will do your best.
If you do, in fact, have an agenda - I would re-think it. I think she should be the one saying what happens here.
You know, she may need to yell at you. She may need to cry. She may need to tell you what a shmuck you've been and how she doesn't know if she'll ever trust you again. No matter what she does, DO NOT throw food at her like JerryBear suggests.
And if she initiates a conversation, I think you would do better to respect that needs to talk about it than to try to put off talking about anything too deep.
JerryBear, no offense intended. I'm sure there are plenty of food-throwing, reggae-listening, conversation-avoiding men out there (including you) that are totally sweet and nice.
Sorry for the hard time JerryBear - I'm teasing you a bit. Hope you don't mind.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
As a woman, I ditto MLE. I really do wish you the best of luck. Obviously, you love her very much and are trying your hardest to conquer your demons. It didn't take merely one episode on your part to put her in the space she's in today, it may take her just as long to learn to trust you again.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Huge congrats on your sober time!
Just keep doing what you are doing. Huge congrats on your sober time!
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I agree with the ladies...Of course because I am one.
I cant say it enough tho. Be yourself. Dont push anything.
Stay focused on your sobriety. Let the night flow.
I find when I plan things out. They never really go as planned.
Remain calm and cool. No matter how things go.
Good Luck.
I cant say it enough tho. Be yourself. Dont push anything.
Stay focused on your sobriety. Let the night flow.
I find when I plan things out. They never really go as planned.
Remain calm and cool. No matter how things go.
Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hey...
I think that what she will want to see is that you are in recovery. And as I am sure you know by now, especially if you've been reading the posts here, recovery is way more than not drinking. I haven't followed your issues with your partner too close, so pardon me if I say the wrong thing...
If you are in or considering AA, perhaps if you lent her a copy of the Big Book. Show her that recovery is a spiritual journey... not a white knuckled exercise in not drinking. That it is about becoming someone is no longer interested in selfish pursuits.
Then again, the Big Book could scare her off. I don't know her or your relationship.
My wife has been very patient with me these first six months, but it's not been easy for either of us for many reasons... But we are still very much in love (married 25 years) and we will be better than ever.
I'd listen closely to the women's opinions on this. Also, if you really want to hear another side to things, post your situation on the Friends and Family section. I had many fears about marital issues when I first came to SR and I posted several times. Don't worry, they care, and while it's not an easy place to visit, they can be a big help...
Mark
I think that what she will want to see is that you are in recovery. And as I am sure you know by now, especially if you've been reading the posts here, recovery is way more than not drinking. I haven't followed your issues with your partner too close, so pardon me if I say the wrong thing...
If you are in or considering AA, perhaps if you lent her a copy of the Big Book. Show her that recovery is a spiritual journey... not a white knuckled exercise in not drinking. That it is about becoming someone is no longer interested in selfish pursuits.
Then again, the Big Book could scare her off. I don't know her or your relationship.
My wife has been very patient with me these first six months, but it's not been easy for either of us for many reasons... But we are still very much in love (married 25 years) and we will be better than ever.
I'd listen closely to the women's opinions on this. Also, if you really want to hear another side to things, post your situation on the Friends and Family section. I had many fears about marital issues when I first came to SR and I posted several times. Don't worry, they care, and while it's not an easy place to visit, they can be a big help...
Mark
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
shawk
here is what I would try and do
I would just try and go with the flow of the evening with no set agenda.
Let nature run it`s course.Sometimes it is wise not to talk about past hurts ourselves and if they must be talked about,let the other bring it up.I am to remember I take my inventory not theirs.
just relax,enjoy each others company if possible with no strings attached,no expectations.Don`t think too much,just live.Enjoy each other,see what you can do to make her evening more pleasant.She may be more impressed by your unselfish actions than a whole host of words.
I am not too crazy about the relationship word,I like companion much better because it is a kind of fellowship.I can fellowship f2f with any one without expectations or strings attached,just enjoying time spent together.I find thats takes the pressure off and lets the enjoyment of just who we are come in.It`s like a whole new world to me.
good luck,hope it works out ok for the two of you
and
you do the dirty dishes....
here is what I would try and do
I would just try and go with the flow of the evening with no set agenda.
Let nature run it`s course.Sometimes it is wise not to talk about past hurts ourselves and if they must be talked about,let the other bring it up.I am to remember I take my inventory not theirs.
just relax,enjoy each others company if possible with no strings attached,no expectations.Don`t think too much,just live.Enjoy each other,see what you can do to make her evening more pleasant.She may be more impressed by your unselfish actions than a whole host of words.
I am not too crazy about the relationship word,I like companion much better because it is a kind of fellowship.I can fellowship f2f with any one without expectations or strings attached,just enjoying time spent together.I find thats takes the pressure off and lets the enjoyment of just who we are come in.It`s like a whole new world to me.
good luck,hope it works out ok for the two of you
and
you do the dirty dishes....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 49
Hi Shawk...congrats on 12 days, I am right behind you at 11...great thing huh? I remember in chat you expressing your concerns or fear about an AA meeting...went to my first one last pm and it was fantastic...it really does require you to find a group that you feel comfortable with and it will feel like an extension of this site...try it you'll like it!
Ok, I agree with the other ladies, throwing food (I would think it funny) but not a good time for levity right now...I think you have probably had the time now (12 days) to get an inkling of who you used to be or how you want to put yourself out there now, so go with today, only today....you might just well surprise yourself, as well. I am finding it a great opportunity to reinvent myself, take the good, out with the bad, and build on new good feelings and practices....Do what you want to do but be who you are!
Ok, I agree with the other ladies, throwing food (I would think it funny) but not a good time for levity right now...I think you have probably had the time now (12 days) to get an inkling of who you used to be or how you want to put yourself out there now, so go with today, only today....you might just well surprise yourself, as well. I am finding it a great opportunity to reinvent myself, take the good, out with the bad, and build on new good feelings and practices....Do what you want to do but be who you are!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Shawk just one old drunks experience, my wife was beyond fed up with my crap.
Go with what the ladies here have suggested as well as what Bballdad suggested. If you were anything like I was when I was out there everything was about me, in early sobriety I found the best thing to do with my wife and kids was to let them take the lead.
If they wanted to just talk or watch TV that is what we did.
If my wife wanted to talk about our past we did, but I never pointed a finger at anyone but me, because I was the root of our issues, not her, my kids or anyone else.
I made the last 5 years of our marriage a total hell for both her and the kids.
I have found that by not acting as though the world should spin around me and my thoughts and needs that those around me find thier lifes far better.
Just keep in mind that it took a lot more then 12 days of your drinking to get her to the point she is now in regards to how she feels about you, it is going to take time, and sadly time takes times.
Go with what the ladies here have suggested as well as what Bballdad suggested. If you were anything like I was when I was out there everything was about me, in early sobriety I found the best thing to do with my wife and kids was to let them take the lead.
If they wanted to just talk or watch TV that is what we did.
If my wife wanted to talk about our past we did, but I never pointed a finger at anyone but me, because I was the root of our issues, not her, my kids or anyone else.
I made the last 5 years of our marriage a total hell for both her and the kids.
I have found that by not acting as though the world should spin around me and my thoughts and needs that those around me find thier lifes far better.
Just keep in mind that it took a lot more then 12 days of your drinking to get her to the point she is now in regards to how she feels about you, it is going to take time, and sadly time takes times.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 161
Thank you all.. Yeah I'm not going to have an agenda.. When we do sit down and settle in I am going to ask her if she has any questions for me or if there is something she wants to talk about.. Let her open up, don't want to force a conversation with her if she isn't ready to yet. She already said she doesn't know how she is gonna react when she sees me, heck she might see me then turn right around and walk away..
But if she does stay I am gonna try to keep the atmosphere calm and positive. I just have to keep my head in front of my heart and be patient. Have to respect her feelings and needs.
But if she does stay I am gonna try to keep the atmosphere calm and positive. I just have to keep my head in front of my heart and be patient. Have to respect her feelings and needs.
God is leading the way!!!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 245
Good luck, I feel that if she is coming over it means she still feels for you..if you get stuck go for a walk or a ride..do something she always wanted to do but you wouldn't while you were drinking....and when possible dont just say anything, just because nothing is being said...thats when we get in trouble....
:ghug WTG! with 12 days........
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