Going to my first meeting tonight and an update...
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Join Date: May 2008
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Going to my first meeting tonight and an update...
I am going to my first Naranon meeting tonight and I'm freaking out a bit. Not sure what to expect at all and am terrified I'll see someone I know and feel even MORE stupid. But I've felt stupid before and what I'm doing now isn't working. AH is going to a NA meeting at the same time.
I'm having trouble finding meetings that aren't at night. I run my kids around 2-3 nights a week and I'd like to find something in the day if possible. There are boatloads of AA or NA meetings during the day around here, but not much for the codies. I know MM said Celebrate Recovery is a good one, and I'd like to check that out too @ some point. I know about Coda, but there are no meetings within an hour from me. Any other groups or self help for codies other than Naranon, Coda, Alanon or CR?
As far as the update, AH is still clean, but we're both falling into our old roles and we both hate it. He's struggling a bit with depression, which leads to lack of motivation. I find that ANY glimpse of past behavior (staying up late, sleeping late, lack of help around the house etc) is sending me in a tailspin and down his throat. That does NOT help him at all in his recovery and takes away the self confidence that he'd built in rehab. Basically any mirror of past behavior equates drug use in my mind. Even though there is not drug use. His mom still tries to stir up stuff sometimes. I've just told him that I want no or very minimal contact with her for now.
I've postponed the lawyer until next week because frankly I can't decide legal separation or divorce. I also don't have all of the paperwork together for her to start.
Ah was suppose to go back to rehab once insurance was reinstated. It is reinstated, but now rehab is refusing to let him come back because they discharged him as opposed to writing him out on a pass like they said they would do. So now it's not "medically" necessary for him to come back because he's clean. He needs the mental help @ this point. He's spent hours on the phone to try to get this resolved, but it's not resolved yet. If he can't go back, he'll have to set something up closer to home. The bad thing about it is that he really liked the people he was in rehab with and his counselor and he really clicked. Hopefully he can just get this resolved.
Thanks for reading guys.
I'm having trouble finding meetings that aren't at night. I run my kids around 2-3 nights a week and I'd like to find something in the day if possible. There are boatloads of AA or NA meetings during the day around here, but not much for the codies. I know MM said Celebrate Recovery is a good one, and I'd like to check that out too @ some point. I know about Coda, but there are no meetings within an hour from me. Any other groups or self help for codies other than Naranon, Coda, Alanon or CR?
As far as the update, AH is still clean, but we're both falling into our old roles and we both hate it. He's struggling a bit with depression, which leads to lack of motivation. I find that ANY glimpse of past behavior (staying up late, sleeping late, lack of help around the house etc) is sending me in a tailspin and down his throat. That does NOT help him at all in his recovery and takes away the self confidence that he'd built in rehab. Basically any mirror of past behavior equates drug use in my mind. Even though there is not drug use. His mom still tries to stir up stuff sometimes. I've just told him that I want no or very minimal contact with her for now.
I've postponed the lawyer until next week because frankly I can't decide legal separation or divorce. I also don't have all of the paperwork together for her to start.
Ah was suppose to go back to rehab once insurance was reinstated. It is reinstated, but now rehab is refusing to let him come back because they discharged him as opposed to writing him out on a pass like they said they would do. So now it's not "medically" necessary for him to come back because he's clean. He needs the mental help @ this point. He's spent hours on the phone to try to get this resolved, but it's not resolved yet. If he can't go back, he'll have to set something up closer to home. The bad thing about it is that he really liked the people he was in rehab with and his counselor and he really clicked. Hopefully he can just get this resolved.
Thanks for reading guys.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Hi Callie,
Well, let's work to shrink this fear to size.
First of all, nobody ever died from going to a meeting, that I'm aware of. Most people come out of them happier!
Second, it's two hours of your life, if you factor in driving to and from. It's not a 30 year mortgage where you will have to make payments for 30 years. It's not like a marriage where you commit to a longterm relationship. It's not like matriculating school where you have to gain so many credits before you come out with a degree.
It's TWO HOURS of your life.
It's free.
It very well could be helpful, to you.
You very well could meet people who have a lot in common with you.
IF you DO meet someone you know, and you feel stupid, remember that THEY ARE THERE FOR THE EXACT SAME PROBLEMS YOU ARE!!
And, it's pretty normal to have a lot of fear and anxiety, going to one's first meeting. Everyone in the meeting will remember VIVIDLY how they felt, coming their first time, and know you feel scared, and embarrased, etc. They are not the inquisition!
TWO HOURS! That's all.
Let us know how it goes!
Hugs!
CLMI
Well, let's work to shrink this fear to size.
First of all, nobody ever died from going to a meeting, that I'm aware of. Most people come out of them happier!
Second, it's two hours of your life, if you factor in driving to and from. It's not a 30 year mortgage where you will have to make payments for 30 years. It's not like a marriage where you commit to a longterm relationship. It's not like matriculating school where you have to gain so many credits before you come out with a degree.
It's TWO HOURS of your life.
It's free.
It very well could be helpful, to you.
You very well could meet people who have a lot in common with you.
IF you DO meet someone you know, and you feel stupid, remember that THEY ARE THERE FOR THE EXACT SAME PROBLEMS YOU ARE!!
And, it's pretty normal to have a lot of fear and anxiety, going to one's first meeting. Everyone in the meeting will remember VIVIDLY how they felt, coming their first time, and know you feel scared, and embarrased, etc. They are not the inquisition!
TWO HOURS! That's all.
Let us know how it goes!
Hugs!
CLMI
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
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[quote=Callie;2157058]I am going to my first Naranon meeting tonight and I'm freaking out a bit. Not sure what to expect at all ]
You're going to be just fine, what to expect....well lets see....you will be in a room with Lots of people just like you. You can expect to feel welcome and not alone in this anymore. Don't worry about sharing you don't have to til you're ready. What you need to do is listen to others as they share their ES&H. Let us know how it goes.
[His mom still tries to stir up stuff sometimes. I've just told him that I want no or very minimal contact with her for now.]
I think this is a very good idea.
[I've postponed the lawyer until next week because frankly I can't decide legal separation or divorce.]
Callie, sweetie, you don't have to make that decision right now. Just breathe, take care of YOU, and when you are ready, you will know it.
[Ah was suppose to go back to rehab once insurance was reinstated. It is reinstated, but now rehab is refusing to let him come back because they discharged him as opposed to writing him out on a pass like they said they would do. So now it's not "medically" necessary for him to come back because he's clean. He needs the mental help @ this point. He's spent hours on the phone to try to get this resolved, but it's not resolved yet. If he can't go back, he'll have to set something up closer to home. The bad thing about it is that he really liked the people he was in rehab with and his counselor and he really clicked. Hopefully he can just get this resolved.quote]
This is a shame, perhaps he can talk to the counselor he had and get some options...SL...either way it's up to AH.
Sending you hugs,
Chris
You're going to be just fine, what to expect....well lets see....you will be in a room with Lots of people just like you. You can expect to feel welcome and not alone in this anymore. Don't worry about sharing you don't have to til you're ready. What you need to do is listen to others as they share their ES&H. Let us know how it goes.
[His mom still tries to stir up stuff sometimes. I've just told him that I want no or very minimal contact with her for now.]
I think this is a very good idea.
[I've postponed the lawyer until next week because frankly I can't decide legal separation or divorce.]
Callie, sweetie, you don't have to make that decision right now. Just breathe, take care of YOU, and when you are ready, you will know it.
[Ah was suppose to go back to rehab once insurance was reinstated. It is reinstated, but now rehab is refusing to let him come back because they discharged him as opposed to writing him out on a pass like they said they would do. So now it's not "medically" necessary for him to come back because he's clean. He needs the mental help @ this point. He's spent hours on the phone to try to get this resolved, but it's not resolved yet. If he can't go back, he'll have to set something up closer to home. The bad thing about it is that he really liked the people he was in rehab with and his counselor and he really clicked. Hopefully he can just get this resolved.quote]
This is a shame, perhaps he can talk to the counselor he had and get some options...SL...either way it's up to AH.
Sending you hugs,
Chris
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Callie 
If he can't go back, he'll have to set something up closer to home. The bad thing about it is that he really liked the people he was in rehab with and his counselor and he really clicked.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Thanks guys - I'll be fine @ the meeting - I've been through worse. 
Does anyone know how different Alanon and Naranon are? I live in a remote area and I want to find a group that I like. I know I'll probably have to go through some trial and error initially until that happens.
Chino - I agree that they could help him find something up here if necessary. It's just that his counselors down there could not only talk with him, they could deal with medications or anti depressants as well. AH seems to do better in a smaller environment or 1 on 1. It's unfortunate because I did see change in him when he came back. Good change. He's still working on it though (getting back into rehab) - I've fully turned that over to him with a firm boundary that something MUST be in place or he's not welcome to stay here any longer.
Does anyone know how different Alanon and Naranon are? I live in a remote area and I want to find a group that I like. I know I'll probably have to go through some trial and error initially until that happens.Chino - I agree that they could help him find something up here if necessary. It's just that his counselors down there could not only talk with him, they could deal with medications or anti depressants as well. AH seems to do better in a smaller environment or 1 on 1. It's unfortunate because I did see change in him when he came back. Good change. He's still working on it though (getting back into rehab) - I've fully turned that over to him with a firm boundary that something MUST be in place or he's not welcome to stay here any longer.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Personally I quit doing spandex in the 70's. 
Meetings are great. People who understand, usually some darned good coffee, a place to let it all hang out, so to speak of.
We don't have Alanon locally, no Naranon within, well I don't know how many hundreds of miles, so I have to hitch a ride to an Alanon meeting about 40 miles away with a gal.
Meetings are great. People who understand, usually some darned good coffee, a place to let it all hang out, so to speak of.
We don't have Alanon locally, no Naranon within, well I don't know how many hundreds of miles, so I have to hitch a ride to an Alanon meeting about 40 miles away with a gal.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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Callie, I have gone to both Nar-anon & Al-anon, basically both are the same. Both are the same 12 step programs. Both are programs for US, the friends & families of alcoholics/addicts. You are right in saying that you will probably have to go to a few to find the right fit. In the beginning of my journey, I was going to 3-4 meetings a week. I had a home group in both A & N, You will usually find many more Al-anon meetings then Nar-anon meetings. There were some meetings that I really liked and others that were okay. But each and every meeting I've gone to, I have felt welcome, and learned from.
And, goodness, actually several times I have had someone walk into the meeting that I knew. But hey, they have a problem too, or they wouldn't be there. I've also run into someone I knew when I simply stopped into my AD's NA meeting to see if she was ready to go. (our meeting is upstairs & their's is downstairs and I was driving that nite.) In only one of those situations did I feel uncomfortable, and it was not that I felt uncomfortable, it was that I preceived that the other person did......I speak to this person almost every day thru my job.....and never once have either one of us acknowledged that meeting...unfortunately that person never came back to the meetings. One of the basics of the meetings is "aynominty" (sp?) Whatever is discussed, shared at the meeting, stays at the meeting.
Each meeting you will hear ES&H. You can cry, rant, and bitch....no one and I mean no one will judge you. It is the cheapest group therapy you'll ever find, filled with people who have lived in your shoes and know exactly what you have been living through.
I'm sorry to ramble, it's just that the meetings saved my life.
Good luck tonight & let us know how it went.
Hugs,
Chris
And, goodness, actually several times I have had someone walk into the meeting that I knew. But hey, they have a problem too, or they wouldn't be there. I've also run into someone I knew when I simply stopped into my AD's NA meeting to see if she was ready to go. (our meeting is upstairs & their's is downstairs and I was driving that nite.) In only one of those situations did I feel uncomfortable, and it was not that I felt uncomfortable, it was that I preceived that the other person did......I speak to this person almost every day thru my job.....and never once have either one of us acknowledged that meeting...unfortunately that person never came back to the meetings. One of the basics of the meetings is "aynominty" (sp?) Whatever is discussed, shared at the meeting, stays at the meeting.
Each meeting you will hear ES&H. You can cry, rant, and bitch....no one and I mean no one will judge you. It is the cheapest group therapy you'll ever find
, filled with people who have lived in your shoes and know exactly what you have been living through.I'm sorry to ramble, it's just that the meetings saved my life.
Good luck tonight & let us know how it went.
Hugs,
Chris
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Callie,
One time I had to go to a group meeting with my son (It was a rehab after school), when I went in and seen another mother I knew. Her son played football with my son. It was almost an instant bonding, we both had the same problems. So it might be nice if you know someone there.
I think you will really enjoy it. I haven't been to one yet only because where I am at they only have one on Tuesdays and right now that is not a good time for me, but I do plan on going when my son is away. I know I will need all the support I can get at that time.
One time I had to go to a group meeting with my son (It was a rehab after school), when I went in and seen another mother I knew. Her son played football with my son. It was almost an instant bonding, we both had the same problems. So it might be nice if you know someone there.
I think you will really enjoy it. I haven't been to one yet only because where I am at they only have one on Tuesdays and right now that is not a good time for me, but I do plan on going when my son is away. I know I will need all the support I can get at that time.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
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Posts: 932
Callie - I'm glad your determined to go despite your fears. Walking from the car to the building will be hard but once inside the doors, you may be pleasantly surprised.
I honestly have only been to one Al-Anon meeting and have never been to a Nar-Anon meeting but I have been to several AA meetings and those, like SR, have helped me understand a little bit better how this "happened" to me and how it "happened" to AH. Nothing like a grown man or woman standing in front of 30+ people sobbing about what they have done and ending with gratefulness so profound for the program that they are laughing with joy over their sobriety. You can SEE on their faces that they are out of bondage.
That really sucks about the rehab not taking him back! I don't understand the system at all. My AH was supposed to do IOP with the VA and another place. He went yesterday to the other place and they won't let him do IOP there because he gets treatment from the VA. That's not what we were told and that was not part of the grand plan. At least AH is hitting a meeting every day and often times two, 7 days a week. I am grateful for that.
Thank you for the update and let us know how the meeting tonight goes okay? You'll be in all our thoughts and prayers!!
I honestly have only been to one Al-Anon meeting and have never been to a Nar-Anon meeting but I have been to several AA meetings and those, like SR, have helped me understand a little bit better how this "happened" to me and how it "happened" to AH. Nothing like a grown man or woman standing in front of 30+ people sobbing about what they have done and ending with gratefulness so profound for the program that they are laughing with joy over their sobriety. You can SEE on their faces that they are out of bondage.
That really sucks about the rehab not taking him back! I don't understand the system at all. My AH was supposed to do IOP with the VA and another place. He went yesterday to the other place and they won't let him do IOP there because he gets treatment from the VA. That's not what we were told and that was not part of the grand plan. At least AH is hitting a meeting every day and often times two, 7 days a week. I am grateful for that.
Thank you for the update and let us know how the meeting tonight goes okay? You'll be in all our thoughts and prayers!!
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Join Date: May 2008
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Well, you've GOT to be kidding me. So AH and I went to the hospital (where meetings are held). It's a large hospital. I went to room 4E @ 7 just like it said. We wandered around forever to find it. The room is dark, nobody there. Go running down to the front desk and ask. She says they're in the banquet rooms off of the cafeteria. Go there and see a meeting in progress, it's NA and 1/2way over. We see someone walk out of that, ask about NAranon, he takes us BACK up to 4E - room is dark. I have no idea if the time on the internet was wrong, the wrong room or what.
So no flipping meeting after I'd been nervous the entire day. I'm not going to give up though. I'll find another one in a smaller location. I'm not going to be running all over BFE and driving an hour to get there only to miss the meeting.
So no flipping meeting after I'd been nervous the entire day. I'm not going to give up though. I'll find another one in a smaller location. I'm not going to be running all over BFE and driving an hour to get there only to miss the meeting.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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That sucks but maybe its just a lesson that fearing the unknown is a waste of time. how much energy was wasted worrying about this? I cant tell you how many times my imagination projected some horrible situation that never came to pass.
But - dont give up trying to find a meeting.
But - dont give up trying to find a meeting.
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I'm sorry there was no meeting Callie, but darn...I can hear that determination in your voice and I'm convinced you're going to take the anon world by storm! 
I love Winnie's take on it too.
Anvil's right...if you can, find the local hotline. The folks on the other end are excellent about steering you in the right direction. They may well have a sense too about which groups are big or small, which mostly spouses or parents, etc. That kind of stuff sometimes helps in finding the meeting that fits good for you. Hugs.
I love Winnie's take on it too. Anvil's right...if you can, find the local hotline. The folks on the other end are excellent about steering you in the right direction. They may well have a sense too about which groups are big or small, which mostly spouses or parents, etc. That kind of stuff sometimes helps in finding the meeting that fits good for you. Hugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Callie, I agree get a hotline # and call for meetings. They will have the up-to-date meetings. The first few meetings are going to feel a little akward. You are going to have so much going through your head. You are going to have mixed feelings. You may cry. You may be angry. This is all normal. You just do the right thing and get there. You don't even have to speak if you don't want to. Unless you feel compeled to speak, just listen and learn. Take a notebook, write down things that seem to speak to you.
As for your AH possibly not being able to go back to rehab, a recovery house may be an option.
Hoping for the best,
NH7
As for your AH possibly not being able to go back to rehab, a recovery house may be an option.
Hoping for the best,
NH7
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Callie, Been there & done that. Goodness, this has actually happened to me twice. The first time, I was told that the meeting was canceled but I was more than welcome to come into the NA meeting. (I did) The next time I drove 30 minutes to get to a meeting only to find that because of vacation bible school there was no meeting that night.
Keep looking & definitely call the contact person ahead of time.
Hugs,
Chris
Keep looking & definitely call the contact person ahead of time.
Hugs,
Chris
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