I need help breaking up by ABF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Clackamas, OR
Posts: 2
I need help breaking up by ABF
I am new and have never posted before. I met ABF a year and a half ago. At the time, he pretended to not have a drinking problem. It wasn't until a couple months into it, he told me he had a small drinking problem. Well....it was not that small!
Since that time, I have tried to break up with him many, many times. He will never allow me to end it, which I know sounds incredibly stupid. He will keep calling me and showing up at my door. I tried ending it a few times at dinner. He would then chase me down in his car. I usually drive my car because I don't want to be stuck in an ugly situation. He acts like it is OK to chase me down because I provoked him. I discovered it was easier to just keep going back instead of ending it because he will not accept the break up. He always tells me I"m the love of his life, he needs me, bla, bla, bla. He calls me names in one breath and tells me he loves me the next. One time I tried breaking up over the phone....he says "you better call the cops because I"m on my way over". He did how up. I guess I should have called the cops except that he has never physically abused me. Verbally and emotionally....a definite yes. He constantly tries to manipulate me and make me feel guilty.
To make an incredibly long story shorter....I talked to him for hours last night. He basically kept saying that I cannot end it. I am at my wits end.....how do I break up with this man? If I call block him, he gets crazy and just shows up at my door. He knows where I work. Last night, he threatened he is going to show up at my work because I cannot just break up with him.
Can someone help me? How do I end it? Usually, he wears me down and it is easier to just go back to him. I do not want to live my life like this anymore.
Since that time, I have tried to break up with him many, many times. He will never allow me to end it, which I know sounds incredibly stupid. He will keep calling me and showing up at my door. I tried ending it a few times at dinner. He would then chase me down in his car. I usually drive my car because I don't want to be stuck in an ugly situation. He acts like it is OK to chase me down because I provoked him. I discovered it was easier to just keep going back instead of ending it because he will not accept the break up. He always tells me I"m the love of his life, he needs me, bla, bla, bla. He calls me names in one breath and tells me he loves me the next. One time I tried breaking up over the phone....he says "you better call the cops because I"m on my way over". He did how up. I guess I should have called the cops except that he has never physically abused me. Verbally and emotionally....a definite yes. He constantly tries to manipulate me and make me feel guilty.
To make an incredibly long story shorter....I talked to him for hours last night. He basically kept saying that I cannot end it. I am at my wits end.....how do I break up with this man? If I call block him, he gets crazy and just shows up at my door. He knows where I work. Last night, he threatened he is going to show up at my work because I cannot just break up with him.
Can someone help me? How do I end it? Usually, he wears me down and it is easier to just go back to him. I do not want to live my life like this anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome!
He sounds like a stalker, which is illegal. Go to the police. File a Restraining Order. Take control of your life and stop thinking you cannot put an end to a relationship you don't want to be in. You do have options if you want to end this.
He sounds like a stalker, which is illegal. Go to the police. File a Restraining Order. Take control of your life and stop thinking you cannot put an end to a relationship you don't want to be in. You do have options if you want to end this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Alison, this is not going to get better. Can you see yourself continuing like this days, months, years from now? If you're in a relationship because you're scared to leave, and because that person scares you into it, that should send warning flags to you!
It may get worse before it gets better, but as long as YOU let it continue, it will fuel the situation. I agree with the others. Take legal action. Hugs to you, take care of yourself.
It may get worse before it gets better, but as long as YOU let it continue, it will fuel the situation. I agree with the others. Take legal action. Hugs to you, take care of yourself.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Call the police (I know it's been said.. but is worth repeating), get a restraining order. Change your locks and your phone number. Inform your employer about the situation and after the restraining order is in place, enforce it. It doesn't matter if he hasn't abused you physically.. that is harrassment, and it's illegal. I went through this years ago, it's hard, but it works. You will become more trouble for him than he's willing to get into, and he'll hopefully go away (or to jail..).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
A restraining order is your only weapon at this point. This man is dangerous, self-centered, and sick.
Please follow flutter's advice to the letter, and read this web site thoroughly too:
Stalking Behavior There are protective behaviors outlined on that site and you should pay close attention to them. Do NOT hang out with him, do NOT sleep with him, do NOT talk to him any longer than it takes to tell him to leave you alone. Log the calls you receive: date, time, etc. Keep any messages he leaves as evidence. Send him an email telling him to leave you alone, starting NOW, and keep any responses you receive as evidence. If he shows up at your door, do NOT let him in, and call the police.
Do NOT talk to him for hours...that does precisely nothing. He is unstable and talking to a sick person is a huge waste of time...all he sees it as is an opportunity to change your mind. The only thing stalkers understand is force. Tell him once, when the restraining order is in place, and enforce it to the letter (or it loses its power)
This will only get worse if you don't take firm action now. Take it from someone who's been there.
Please take care of yourself.
Please follow flutter's advice to the letter, and read this web site thoroughly too:
Stalking Behavior There are protective behaviors outlined on that site and you should pay close attention to them. Do NOT hang out with him, do NOT sleep with him, do NOT talk to him any longer than it takes to tell him to leave you alone. Log the calls you receive: date, time, etc. Keep any messages he leaves as evidence. Send him an email telling him to leave you alone, starting NOW, and keep any responses you receive as evidence. If he shows up at your door, do NOT let him in, and call the police.
Do NOT talk to him for hours...that does precisely nothing. He is unstable and talking to a sick person is a huge waste of time...all he sees it as is an opportunity to change your mind. The only thing stalkers understand is force. Tell him once, when the restraining order is in place, and enforce it to the letter (or it loses its power)
This will only get worse if you don't take firm action now. Take it from someone who's been there.
Please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Just reading your post made ME nervous. He suggested you call the cops. I'd take him up on that. Staying with somebody like this just to keep him from harrassing you .... what kind of life is that?
I imagine alcohol may play some role in this situation, but this man is a stereotypical stalker. I can only tell you what I did when I had two similar, although not as extreme, situations myself. I told both men if they called or emailed me again I WOULD call the police. And I kept all the emails and voicemails.
If a man threatened to show up at my job, I'd say, "Sure c'mon down." And I would have the police with me when I left the building. Until you let this man know you really, truly mean business he will continue what he is doing. And my fear is he will escalate his behavior. This is a potentially dangerous person. VERY dangerous.
I imagine alcohol may play some role in this situation, but this man is a stereotypical stalker. I can only tell you what I did when I had two similar, although not as extreme, situations myself. I told both men if they called or emailed me again I WOULD call the police. And I kept all the emails and voicemails.
If a man threatened to show up at my job, I'd say, "Sure c'mon down." And I would have the police with me when I left the building. Until you let this man know you really, truly mean business he will continue what he is doing. And my fear is he will escalate his behavior. This is a potentially dangerous person. VERY dangerous.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Clackamas, OR
Posts: 2
I need help breaking up by ABF
Thanks to everyone for responding.
I have been seriously thinking about a restraining order but wasn't sure if I could file without any physical harm done to me. At this point, I think it's my only option as I know he will not just go away.
Again, thank you all so much!
I will keep you posted.
I have been seriously thinking about a restraining order but wasn't sure if I could file without any physical harm done to me. At this point, I think it's my only option as I know he will not just go away.
Again, thank you all so much!
I will keep you posted.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
FYI - many times a judge won't issue a restraining order unless there is the immediate threat of violence. In my case he had never verbally threatened me (nor physically abused me) so the judge wouldn't give me one. Minus the restraining order, the police can do nothing.
With the restraining order, the police can do little.
Do not answer his calls. Get a new phone number if you have to, but leave the original one in place (of possible) for him to call - I was told this by a police officer who specialized in stalking out in L.A. - for some reason they don't get as nutty if they can get that "fix" of hearing your voice. If they can't get it, they may feel it necessary to get it another way. Don't let him see you, in public or in your home...keep the curtains and shutters closed. Do let your employer know what's going on so that they won't give out info on you when he calls acting like a family member or something (yes, they'll do this). If he has a key to your car, have it re-keyed, same with your house/apt.
I don't know your feeling on firearms, but I NEVER go anywhere unarmed. For me, this makes it possible for me to go out in public, I wasn't able to prior to that out of fear.
I'm sure I'll think of more things.
Oh! Keep a journal, write down every time he calls, drives by, etc. EVERY SINGLE one.
Also, keep an eye on strange phone numbers. It's super easy to pick up those long distance calling cards to use, and you won't recognize the number he's calling from and might pick it up.
Uhm, I thought of more:
DO let your family and friends know what's going on. I know that this can be hard, I was treated like I was a nut by many - but not all. And it's important that they know, because he will try to contact them when you cut him off. Stalkers are very manipulative, he will get info on you if he wants it.
And more..
If you get packages at home, UPS or FEDEX or something, arrange it so they don't just leave them. Make sure you or a neighbor sign for them.
This is all, of course, if the guy is a stalker. Stalker are sick individuals and they, in the extreme version, don't give up.
With the restraining order, the police can do little.
Do not answer his calls. Get a new phone number if you have to, but leave the original one in place (of possible) for him to call - I was told this by a police officer who specialized in stalking out in L.A. - for some reason they don't get as nutty if they can get that "fix" of hearing your voice. If they can't get it, they may feel it necessary to get it another way. Don't let him see you, in public or in your home...keep the curtains and shutters closed. Do let your employer know what's going on so that they won't give out info on you when he calls acting like a family member or something (yes, they'll do this). If he has a key to your car, have it re-keyed, same with your house/apt.
I don't know your feeling on firearms, but I NEVER go anywhere unarmed. For me, this makes it possible for me to go out in public, I wasn't able to prior to that out of fear.
I'm sure I'll think of more things.
Oh! Keep a journal, write down every time he calls, drives by, etc. EVERY SINGLE one.
Also, keep an eye on strange phone numbers. It's super easy to pick up those long distance calling cards to use, and you won't recognize the number he's calling from and might pick it up.
Uhm, I thought of more:
DO let your family and friends know what's going on. I know that this can be hard, I was treated like I was a nut by many - but not all. And it's important that they know, because he will try to contact them when you cut him off. Stalkers are very manipulative, he will get info on you if he wants it.
And more..
If you get packages at home, UPS or FEDEX or something, arrange it so they don't just leave them. Make sure you or a neighbor sign for them.
This is all, of course, if the guy is a stalker. Stalker are sick individuals and they, in the extreme version, don't give up.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by alisonpbdy 
He will never allow me to end it
He will keep calling me and showing up at my door. I tried ending it a few times at dinner. He would then chase me down in his car. He acts like it is OK to chase me down because I provoked him.
He calls me names in one breath and tells me he loves me the next.
One time I tried breaking up over the phone....he says "you better call the cops because I"m on my way over". He did how up.
I talked to him for hours last night. He basically kept saying that I cannot end it.
If I call block him, he gets crazy and just shows up at my door.
He knows where I work. Last night, he threatened he is going to show up at my work because I cannot just break up with him.
He will keep calling me and showing up at my door. I tried ending it a few times at dinner. He would then chase me down in his car. He acts like it is OK to chase me down because I provoked him.
He calls me names in one breath and tells me he loves me the next.
One time I tried breaking up over the phone....he says "you better call the cops because I"m on my way over". He did how up.
I talked to him for hours last night. He basically kept saying that I cannot end it.
If I call block him, he gets crazy and just shows up at my door.
He knows where I work. Last night, he threatened he is going to show up at my work because I cannot just break up with him.
I could pull out my law book that addresses harrassment and stalking - and there ARE laws that prohibit this - but they vary from state to state and can change with each legislative session. Anything I would tell you is from a textbook published in '06. The laws may not be the same today.
Absent getting a restraining order, when this guy starts following you or showing up unannounced at your door - you can try these solutions:
change your email address
block him from your email
change your cell phone number
block him from your cell phone
change your land line phone to an unpublished, unlisted number
CALL THE POLICE THE NEXT TIME HE SHOWS UP AT YOUR DOOR AND DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR.
I had a situation just like that one time. An ex showed up at my door and started demanding I let him in. I would not permit him access to my apartment. He started going crazy - went out to his car and laid on the horn. Came back and started banging on my door and screaming. I called the cops - as did several of my neighbors. He was escorted off the property. Soon after, I moved and did NOT let him know where I moved. Mutual friends? I cut off ties.
You have a loose canon on your deck. And if that canon goes off, I hope you have quick access to a phone in order to dial 911. No, he won't "just go away." When he shows up, and everytime he starts this nonsense, call the police. Their job is to protect people like you from people like him.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Just for the record, re: the restraining order.. The person I had one against never ever hit me, never even threatened to hit me. He stalked me, and showed up at my school, work, parents home etc.
When you first call the cops, they can issue a temporary restraining order, which is in place until you can see a judge to have a hearing, THEN the judge can decide if his actions warrant a permanent restraining order. In my case, he did. The next time dude showed up at my school, he was arrested, and I never heard from him again..
Like others have said, a restraining order is just a flimsy piece of paper that is useless if not enforced. He will be SERVED the order, in person by a processor, and will be very aware of the restrictions. one phone call, one email, one visit... as long as it's initiated by him and called on, it can work. If you EVER contact him while the order is in place, consider it null and void.
I wish you luck.
When you first call the cops, they can issue a temporary restraining order, which is in place until you can see a judge to have a hearing, THEN the judge can decide if his actions warrant a permanent restraining order. In my case, he did. The next time dude showed up at my school, he was arrested, and I never heard from him again..
Like others have said, a restraining order is just a flimsy piece of paper that is useless if not enforced. He will be SERVED the order, in person by a processor, and will be very aware of the restrictions. one phone call, one email, one visit... as long as it's initiated by him and called on, it can work. If you EVER contact him while the order is in place, consider it null and void.
I wish you luck.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
It does differ between states, vastly. The idea is, if the person isn't a nut, a restraining order should wake them up and make them cut it out. If you have a nut on your hands, well...it's about useless other than for documentation.
About calling the police, yes do absolutely. My stalker was too smart for that however, and would always be gone before they got there. Calling the police was useless for me.
About calling the police, yes do absolutely. My stalker was too smart for that however, and would always be gone before they got there. Calling the police was useless for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Its true a restraining order is only worth something if you report all violations and if the local police take them seriously. But stalking is a crime in most areas (all areas?) now and you can file charges against him. Those are more likely to be taken seriously, especially if you can document for the police when and how often the stalking behaviors take place.
Bottom line is be careful and be aware of the potential for danger. Be prepared to protect yourself if the need arises.
Bottom line is be careful and be aware of the potential for danger. Be prepared to protect yourself if the need arises.
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