LorraeOz

My husband is an alcoholic, and I'm wondering why I'm still here. I remember reading on SR when I first came across the site that you just know when you've reached your bottom, there will be an unmissable sign, something will click.

I'm not sure I've had a sign or maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

My AH is currently 'behaving' after my latest attempt to tell him it's over. To be honest I hate it when he's cut back his drinking, much more than when he is drinking heavily. Right now he's 'trying'. He's overwhelmingly clingy and needy, constantly wanting hugs and reassurance that I'm okay. I prefer it when he's passed out! I could really do with a break from his constant attention - is this my sign? He's hinting at sex again because he's "doing so well". I cringe at the thought - is this my sign? I'm on anti-depressants because of his drinking - is this my sign?

I can't really even identify my fear of leaving. I'm financially independent, don't mind my own company, in fact I look at the real estate websites regularly and fantasize about where we might live. I think my fear is for the kids. I don't help myself by reading all the reports that kids of single parents have more addiction/school/social problems than kids from 2 parent families. Who am I kidding, our poor kids have witnessed things kids shouldn't see.

God, I've just reread my post, sorry for rambling, but I think I've answered my question. I guess it doesn't get more bottom than when you'd rather have your husband passed out than sober. Thanks for listening if you've made it this far! Just in a haze at the moment, could really do with a break from him for a while just to see what life is like without him - know what I mean?

Freedom1990

There doesn't have to be a burning bush sort of awakening, you know?

The effect of living with active alcoholism/addiction was profound on my oldest daughter, now 31, and an active alcoholic/addict herself. Even though she no longer has custody of her two children, she has them every weekend and all summer long, and again, yet another generation has been affected in negative ways by alcoholism. My granddaughter, soon to be 14 has been affected. My grandson, 8, has been affected.

At what point do we stop the cycle? Alcoholism has been on both sides of my family for many generations. I was the first alcoholic to get into recovery, and it has not been easy. I am also the first codependent to get into recovery. I think that one has been tougher. I refused to look at my codependency issues for 14 long and painful years after I first went to rehab for my alcoholism/addictions.

Believe me, it is far healthier for kids to have one emotionally healthy and present parent in their lives than two emotionally unhealthy parents in their lives, and throw alcohol into that mix, and let's raise another generation of budding adult children of alcoholics who have a tremendous amount of work in order to get 'healthy' because neither parent sought any sort of recovery and put the kids first.

My bottom came for my codependency issues when I finally saw the pain in my youngest daughter's eyes, and my granddaughter's eyes due to the choices I had made in men, and for the first time in my life, it wasn't just about my pain.

LaTeeDa

I thought my bottom was when I kicked my AH out of the house. It was a very emotional, drama-filled event. I realize now that my bottom really came much later. See, I was still trying to 'make it work' if only in my mind. The real bottom came in a counseling session when I said quietly "I can't do this anymore." She asked "Does that mean you are done?" It was a quiet resignation more than a big epiphany. It had been coming for a long time.

When the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of changing--then you will change. And yes, you will know when you reach that point.

L

CoDieNOmore

I have hit more then one bottom in my life with different things. Drug use, relationships, behaviors, and so forth. One thing I noticed about myself is in all these situations it was a process. The biggest part of the process for me is the journey from my head to my heart. I first had to start seeing the issue in me that kept me doing whatever the problem was. But when I hit bottom...... I just knew..... there was no ?? about it.
I was done and ready to let go of the drug, toxic relationship, a short coming... so on and so forth. But it never ends there.... It's the begining of some self work.. If I don't do the work I WILL take the lesson again. and sometimes again, again....
Sometime quickly, (if I'm really ready) Most of the time slowly....4me
Be good to yourself...
Be Well
Kendra

Barbara52

I may or may not be your "sign" but you can set some boundaries and let him know his behaviors bother you. If you don't want the lovey dovey stuff, tell him no and when he attempts it, take some action such as say no and leave the room.

Kids don't do well in a home with an active alcoholic either. Think of all the dysfunctional lessons they are learning. This can be your chance to stop the cycle of having an alcoholic parent and turning into an alcoholic or marrying an alcoholic because that is what they are learning is "normal."

catlovermi

All other things aside, I think you're making the wrong comparison here in your thinking. If you have to undergo this argument, it should compare the success of kids raised in a household with an active addict versus the success of kids raised in a household free from active addiction.

Or, if you must, the success of kids raised in a household with two dysfunctional parents versus the success of kids raised in a household with one healthy parent.

CLMI

orviske

Hmmm.....

I agree that it certainly doesn't have to be a burning bush sort of awakening. One day you just wake up and realize that you don't have to put up with the anguish that you are putting up with. That you deserve the best (not better....)

I reached my codie bottom at 7 months pregnant, with my ex alcoholic and addicted boyfriend manning the helm of a car swerving out of control. I let him put me and my then in utero daughter in danger so as to avoid the conflict of telling him he couldn't drive because he was too drunk. I was sober as a judge. It bothers me that I put not only myself, but my daughter in danger. That was when I knew....if we didn't leave quick, I was setting us up for a life of abuse. I will and have dealt with a lot of things in my life, but that didn't mean my daughter had to.

That was my bottom. I left. He as predicted didn't do anything about it.

K