Hammerhead

My AH and I are traveling to visit his parents a few states away… leaving tomorrow. His parents are GREAT people but (as I’m learning) are enablers. My AH is having a medical procedure done and can’t afford it so his parents are paying for it. One of my boundaries is the vehicle (in both our names) and with my insurance carrier (attached to my house) so I won’t let him take the vehicle out alone. AH had a drinking/drug binge a couple of weeks ago and is currently under the influence of pills (?) slurring, snotty, demanding, etc. I didn’t see him take the pills and I have stopped confronting him about them… frankly I don’t care to hear anymore lies or denials… It's obvious he's doing something. I hear the plans he’s making to see his friends when we get to town… I am not in the mood to tolerate his friends and I anticipate friction with the use of the vehicle and I don’t care to have an argument in front of the parents. Do you have any suggestions? I know it's my boundaries... just don't want to be accused of bringing drama into the home. Thank you.

BohemiMamaof3

You can always have a talk with him before you leave. Not nagging or yelling, but calmly discussing your concerns and what you will do if he crosses the boundaries while you're there. As in, "If you do X, then I will leave." And you can always have a discussion with his parents before hand in the same regard. And as always, only set boundaries that you are prepared to follow through with, otherwise it's futile - empty threats. There is nothing wrong with explaining to him and them what you've just said to us: you don't want to risk losing or jeopardizing your vehicle or insurance, with his risky RECENT behaviour. And if he makes a fuss about it while there, you leave. Then everybody knows the deal, and it's out in the open.

Impurrfect

((Hammerhead))

Unfortunately, if he's already under the influence, he's probably not going to be agreeable to anything you say.

If it were me, I would tell him, ahead of time, that he will not be driving the car while he's there, and make sure that you have the only set of keys to the car. If he pitches a fit (we A's are good at that), I'd just say "the car insurance is in my name, and I'm not authorizing you to drive the car" and leave it at that.

He's probably not going to make it easy, no matter what you do. If he wants to see his friends, suggest they come get him.

Sending you big hugs and prayers...sounds like you're going to need some extra ones.

Amy

Freedom1990

You are dealing with an active addict who is going to pitch a fit about not having access to the vehicle while at his folks' house, correct?

With an active addict comes drama (at least on the addict's part), no? If you don't engage when he pitches his fit (imagine the child who throws himself onto the floor of the grocery store in a tantrum, and the parent calmly walks off with the shopping cart, continuing to shop and ignore the child), then regardless of the accusation, you are not the one bringing the drama into the home, no?

hello-kitty

Why do you have to go with him? Can't you put him on a bus and be done with it? Hanging out with a slurry, demanding, snotty man on drugs doesn't sound like my idea of a sane time or a healthy environment for me to participate in. It's not something I would want to submit myself too.

My boundary is I don't hang out with adults who are snotty and demanding or help people who are on drugs. Therefore, you can find your own ride to mommy and daddy's house.

Hammerhead

Thank you for your responses. Hello kitty... I about lost my coffee thru my nose when reading your response... believe me... I got it in me and you just stroked my "inner-b*tch" and it felt good. I do adore his parents (which both have cancer) and always look forward to seeing and spending time with them... so I say if the "situation" comes around... I'll suggest for his friends to come get him... he'll hate that, but oh well. Thanks everyone! :ghug

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

if this were my "in-laws" we were dealing with, it would still be my fault. they are enablers who take up for everything that their sweet perfect child (*ahem*, he's 34) does.
i.e.- if i didn't let him use the car, it would just be "he just wants to go see his friends, why are you being so difficult about this? here, sweetie, you can drive my car because i'm the example of the perfect wife."

okay, i'm ad-libbing a bit with that last sentence.

and then "well, just last week he [did this and this] with my car."
"why do you always have to bring up past mistakes? i always say you have to live life in the present."

but, since you said you adore your in-laws, i'm guessing (hoping) they're not quite like that.

anyway, I can see how you could be accused of being overdramatic, even though you are the perfectly sane one... ;-)

Freedom1990

That's just another of one million and one reasons I am so grateful I don't have that insanity in my life anymore.

hello-kitty

Hi Hammerhead, I know in my situation, when I acknowledge I have a choice when it comes to dealing with my addict and being involved in his life, I feel empowered and more comfortable with my choices - whatever they may be. I am in control of me.

Your motivation sounds pure to me. I hope things go well with the visit with your inlaws. Don't try to take ownership over what your husband does. You are there to visit with his mom and dad. He's just a "bonus" (HA!). You can't control his behavior. You can only do what feels right for you at this particular moment in time.

Hammerhead

Thank you hello kitty and others. Nice visit with parents and quality time spent with them and NOT seeing "the buddies"... I just knew that was going to be a problem... but alas it was a wasted worry! That's not to say that I don't have anything else to learn... I have so much to learn... I'm going to a meeting this week and actively find a sponsor and begin to put my boundaries into place... and yes... learn that I don't have ownership over what AH does.... The quandary was/is with the vehicle... in both our names... I don't own any more of it than he does.... however the insurance is thru the same carrier as my house (lumped together) so I didn't want any stupid s*it.... because of liability issues. Quite frankly I'd sign the vehicle over to him completely just to get the issue out of my hair... but we only have the one vehicle and I think of it as collateral for bills that he owes me on...... you all are the greatest bunch of folks and I appreciate all your feedback!