ChangeIsHard

Support , advice, anything is welcome

So here's my situation.
I have an alcoholic ex boyfriend who is in recovery. He's been in AA for a year now. We went on a 'break' (mostly at my urging) just before he went into the program. It wasn't the cleanest of breaks - we still saw each other for a while until he stopped contacting me/responding to me as much about 6 months ago. I have told him that all i want is for him to be clear with me about his feelings towards me - he tells me mixed things and basically seems unable to tell me if he still has feelings for me. I miss him and don't necessarly want him back, but would love the possibility of dating - seeing where it might lead this time (now that we've both done work on ourselves). I feel it is a sticky, messy situation, and i can't stop thinking about it. I am holding on to the thought of him - and it is making me very stressed. He says he's not dating anyone, and is not interested in dating, he's working on himself - though he does want to be me friend. The past few times we've hung out, he pays for everything despite my honest protests. (Mixed signals, anyone?)

I think about him A LOT. I am reading up on codependency - and I think I am a bit codependent. My worst fear is that he doesn't have feelings for me but for whatever reason doesnt want to tell me. I'm afraid he will find someone new and not even tell me. I'll be tossed aside and forgotten - lied to. I don't know how to get rid of this fear/worry. The thought of him with someone else makes me sick. Am I obssesed? Am I just jealous?

My issue is that I'm going on a trip to Europe for 2 months with my best friend. While is this going to be an extremely happy/exciting time - I'm worried that I'm going to think about him too much - maybe even enough to lessen the experience for me. Does anyone have any hints on how to get this off my mind? Any fresh perspectives are welcome.

I'm leaving in 2 weeks.

Freedom1990

Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? It's an excellent starter book.

ChangeIsHard

yeah - ive started to read that. it is good - i just havent actually worked through it's 'assignments' yet though. im reading Feeling Good by Burns right now. I wish i could control my obssesive thoughts more.

Freedom1990

I would suggest sticking with one book and finishing it before you start another.

Putting pen to paper was a tremendous help to me in recognizing a lot of my obsessive behaviors.

MissFixit

Journaling, letter writing (not sending) and making lists of bullet points of pros/cons helped me.

ChangeIsHard

MisFixIt - You mean you would write letters 'to him' in a sense, but just not send them? That's interesting. What would you do with them after?

MissFixit

I have a file on my computer with his name on it. Inside are dated letters I wrote to him expressing my emotions, sadness, anger, pain, hurt, frustration, betrayal, things I missed about him, etc... I wrote them as often as I needed to get out of my head the tornado of feelings I was having. It helped me to get it out of me, and onto paper so I didn't cycle back through scenarios again and again. After I wrote it out, I felt free. Some things have been re-written several times as they impacted me a LOT.

Letters were for me to express my vulnerable side without exposing it to him. We are broken up (he cheated), and I had (still have) hurt/confusion about that. Dealing with my issues without involving him as he doesn't get to be a part of my life any longer, but I still have to deal with the baggage living with alcoholism has caused.

In December I did send one letter to him that was carefully crafted to let him know that I was aware of his deceit and would not be supporting the web of lies he told about me when I returned to our town upon my graduation this spring. He did not respond, but I didn't ask him to. There was some "business" to tend to, but that is a separate issue.