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Decision

Old 03-19-2009, 03:16 PM
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Decision

I've been thinking a lot. Again.

Looking back on one year+ of recovery, something pretty obvious dawned on me:

I never made a conscious decision to begin my recovery. I've never made a conscious decision, period.

Recovery sort of happened. I made it up as I went along, absorbing new ideas, relying on different tools, reaching out when I needed help. Quite frankly, though I've put a lot of effort into recovering, my current situation is a big, sloppy mess. It really does reflect my approach to life: well-meaning but ultimately misguided.

I eschew goal-setting and deadlines. When I'm forced to make a decision, I scramble and freak out until a haphazard solution arrives - and the solution always includes a lot of conditions, tiny writing and clauses; it is always subject to change without notice.

So much for that!

I now realize that my attitude is irresponsible and passive-aggressive. My problem is not addiction, per se. But addiction illustrates the endless loop I find myself in.

I am overwhelmed and dazed. I hope that conscious decisions will bring me some clarity. It is time to set some goals, and make decisions in my life. Conscious ones.

Are you good at decision-making? Any tips?
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Old 03-19-2009, 03:20 PM
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I'm horrible at decision-making and I've found myself realizing the same thing.

I realized that if I continue to make unconscious decisions I'll end up making the wrong decisions. When I make decisions without thinking, I end up drinking or not going to meetings or just generally acting like an a double s.

In order for me to be actively recovering I have to be conscious about everything I do. It ain't easy!

Great post by the way. :ghug3
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Old 03-19-2009, 03:28 PM
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Fabulous post Matt (and congrats on your year+ however you arrived there)! For me, the key to my continued sobriety, is to respond , not react. Impulsive decisions are my downfall in all areas of my life. I'm working on it though...
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Old 03-19-2009, 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by mattcake79 View Post
I now realize that my attitude is irresponsible and passive-aggressive.
Maybe, but you have awareness, and from what I've been told and tend to believe, awareness is the key to the rest of my recovery. If I'm aware of something, I can take action to correct or modify the behavior.

I'm a procrastinator. Why do today what I can put out off until tomorrow?. But people who know me and observe me would disagree. They see a guy who's constantly in motion, getting things done because I can't stand having stuff hanging over my head. But there are some pretty big things I've been blowing off or putting aside because I don't feel like I have the time to focus on making those decisions. Ordering airline tickets for our summer vacation, planning a wedding and setting the date, deciding what to do with our old house, etc.

It's a mindset for me, I try to keep a mental list going of the big tasks and get them done one at a time. Thankfully, I got my taxes done last weekend. When I sit down and kick my feet up for too long, something's wrong, it's time for me to get centered again and get my goals in motion.

Good post matt
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Old 03-19-2009, 03:33 PM
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Super post, Matt!

But, I think you're not giving yourself enough credit. You didn't get through more than a year of recovery without a lot of work.


When I began recovery, it slowly dawned on me, that every single decision I ever made in my life, was based upon fear. In that sense, my decisions were unconscious too. I was fumbling in the dark, hiding from everything and afraid. It also fed into the role I was playing in life, which was 'victim'. I loved being a victim. I never had to take responsibility for anything and I could always blame someone else for my problems.

So, making conscious decisions was pretty scary, but so exciting. I am taking care of me and I do know what is the right thing for me. If I don't know what's right, I wait, I think, I pray, I talk to people I trust deeply, and it works out.
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Old 03-19-2009, 03:43 PM
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I am terrible at making decisions! I end up in a horrible state of indecision about things and the longer it goes on the less I can decided which way to go.

So, no advice here, lol.

I know what you are saying though, time to commit to recovery, no conditions....I feel the same.
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Old 03-19-2009, 05:10 PM
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I'm just a much older version of you, Matt, so I'm no help. I never got it together, really. I also got sober without having a plan - was just scared to death to keep drinking. I want to thank you for an interesting post - maybe others can actually be of help!
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Old 03-19-2009, 06:34 PM
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Matt,

Interesting thought. I agree with Anna that you don't sound like you're giving yourself enough credit. Not only have you built up some recovery time (as Anna points out) but you also have consistently empathetic, thoughtful, and significant responses. They don't seem like you've just flung them out willy-nilly.

I support you trying to be more thoughtful in your own responses to your life. Keeping a journal helps me. You probably do that already. You know what I really like also? I love having a pen pal.

I'm the kind of person who needs a lot of routine so maybe that would help too if you don't already have that. I try to do laundry and grocery shop on Mondays, work out on Tuesdays and Thursday, see my therapist on Tuesday, walk one day on the weekend, paint on Wednesdays and some of Saturday. I go to AA on Wednesday and Saturday. I go to my outpatient group on Tuesday. I know that sounds utterly boring but keeping to that routine comforts me and helps my brain stay free for other stuff. I find myself taking up inner conversations during my walk on the weekend that I had put down during the week. I can rely on them making themselves available to me again because I always take that same walk.

Also, I carry a notebook everwhere for stray thoughts.

I read a lot of self-help stuff too. Online or in magazines or books. I underline and highlight and mark it all up. Especially if I have a particular issue I'm struggling with. When I got sober, I went and bought about 5 books about recovery. When I was diagnosed bipolar, same thing. Pregnancy - same. Working on PTSD - same. I hardly ever encounter a big problem without thoroughly researching it.

Anyway - I don't know if any of this is what you were talking about. But I do think that these are various and random things that come to mind when I think about how do I try to live a conscious and mindful life. It's a little jumbled. (Irony!!!)
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Old 03-20-2009, 02:15 AM
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I make a list of the Pro's and Con's
then I pray for clairty to make the correct decision.
....Then decide and let it rip.

Goal setting?
No I'm not good at that...

Congratulations on your continueing progress...
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Old 03-20-2009, 03:37 AM
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Matt as others have already stated, you are not giving your self credit where credit is due.

Have you not made decisions daily to not drink?

When ever you make a choice that is a decision?

You posted today, that was a decision.

I understand where you are coming from, it seems to be very common amoung us all, alkies or not, we are our own worse critics, nothing I do is quite good enough.

Matt before I got sober I lived upset with myself, I was a failure because I never lived up to my own goals for myself, even worse though was I viewed every one else as losers because they were not living up to my standards I had set for myself or for them.

In sobriety I have slowly learned that I am not perfect, I am far from perfect, but I strive to progress in making myself a better person instead of dwelling upon my imperfections I work on them accepting that I will never achieve perfection, but that I can become better.

I am happy with where I am at today, warts & all, I accept that I have things about me I need to improve, but I look back and see I have made progress and that is a good thing. In sobriety I have also learned to accept people for who & what they are, I no longer dwell on what I feel is wrong with them, but instead look for the good in them, there are a whole lot of good people in this world then I used to think there were...... Funny thing I have found, but if I seek out good, I find it, if I look for the bad I get that as well!

Life is much better I have found when I look at the positive instead of the negative.
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Old 03-20-2009, 06:36 AM
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I would say a year + sobriety shows a lot of conscious. Now, you just want to change some up a bit. I think you're doing Great....all on YOUR time table. Good Job!
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Old 03-21-2009, 03:54 PM
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Thank you to everyone who read and answered my post. I need to clarify that, though I consider myself in recovery, I haven't been sober for that whole time. I find myself able to drink every now and then without running into trouble. But that's exactly why I posted: I'm tired of doing that. It is time to draw a line and set some limitations for myself.


@Phaleron: I do agree. Having a routine is useful at this point; everything is changing so much, I'm changing so much... that having some measure of predictability is a relief. I've started writing down my goals in my journal.

@Paper Dolls: It's all about being conscious - living in the now and being aware of the consequences of our actions.

@HideorSeek: Agreed. I think that "reacting" is usually a desperate fight or flight action. Responding includes mindfulness

@Astro: in my experience, procrastination is definitely a sign of trouble! If I keep putting off doing stuff, it's because I'm doubting my actions, or plain scared.

@Anna: thanks for the advice! You really spelled out how to make a decision in a way that seems gentle. Fear is a biggie. I think that, where there is love, there is no place for fear.

@Stoney: I think that commitment is a huge key. Making a conscious decision is a relief, and sticking to it makes it count I really admire your honesty.

@Hevyn: Thanks for your honesty. Being scared of where my life was headed is what finally broke me.

@MLe: a routine doesn't have to be boring! I'm very mental, so action is a big challenge for me. I really need to keep that in mind.

@Carol: clarity is SO underrated, lol. Making lists is very helpful.

@Taz: Wow, your comments really hit home. I AM my worst critic. Being afraid of failure freezes me into non-action; setting unachievable goals only compounds the problem. Being more understanding of myself - without being overly-lenient- is the way to go. Realizing that we're not supposed to be perfect is a cornerstone of recovery.

@Coffee: Change is the word. I've been feeling so aimless lately.. Thanks for pointing out that we all have our time needs, it's pretty easy to get overwhelmed.

Okay, I'm glad I started this thread! Your input has been invaluable. You have all helped me question and discover my priorities. Thank you so much -- Matt - not so undecided anymore.
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Old 03-21-2009, 04:10 PM
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@Paper Dolls: It's all about being conscious - living in the now and being aware of the consequences of our actions.
That sounds like something I would say.
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Old 03-21-2009, 04:21 PM
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Stoney, we're very much in tune, methinks Mindfulness, meditation are all practices that were a big part of my life before I turned to booze. In fact, being able to re-implement those practices is one of the big "pros" of sobriety.
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Old 03-21-2009, 04:48 PM
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Mindfulness is becoming the cornerstone of my recovery and mental health.
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