Blondie

Well, I went and saw my therapist today. She is great and hits the nail right on the head most of the time. Well, today as we were talking and I was telling her how my STXAH was never there when I really needed him (even before we were married) and I always dropped everything to meet his needs even back then. One of many examples waswhen he was at the Waffle House flirting with a waitress (he told me later with a smile) while I was giving birth to our second child (it was me, the nurse and the doctor and no moral support from hubby at all, as a matter of fact when he was there earlier and I was looking on the monitor thing waiting for my next contraction to come he was trying to nap and yelled at me to tell the nurse to get him a blanket because HE was cold. Here I was in a lot of pain (they could not find the guy to give me the epidural). I told my therapist that I didn't think he really ever cared about me at all as a person with their own set of needs and beliefs and hopes and dreams. Well, bingo, I knew that I was right as soon as I said that. It's the old story from the al-anon book that says "turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to the hardware store for bread." It seems that in all of these 18 years of marriage he didn't even care enough about me to let me be who I am. I let myself get lost in the insanity and became obsessed with his needs and wants and ignored mine altogether. It was the only way to keep the peace in that crazy house. I let him hammer on me for years about my "many flaws" (therapist said he sold me a bill of goods here) and let him drag me down until I was willing to take the blame for anything, and I mean anything. In my mind it must have been my fault as I was fat, lazy, stupid, etc, etc, etc because my "loving husband" said so, and how can anyone that loves you lie? No, he never said those exact words to my face, but he had his little ways of digging at me and proving his point that I was not worth the time of day and was only good enough to wash his socks, cook his favorite meals, play the perfect wife in public, and take the blame for all of his problems. I was the perfect doormat.

It is a hard pill to swallow and I realize (at least in my case) that while he may have liked me at times, he just didn't love and respect me the way you are supposed to love and respect the person you are married to. I told my therapist that I do not want to make this mistake again as I learned this model of marriage from my parents and grandparents and do not want to repeat it again - ever. She told me to come and see her still, keep in contact with my sponsor, and keep going to al-anon. She said to work on my recovery as if my life depended on it - because it does.

Today I feel like I am in some type of morning that the marriage I may have thought I had (at least in my mind) never existed. It is sad, but I know that it is true.

catlovermi

Hi Blondie,

It indeed is a mourning process, to let go of what you thought was, or had wanted it to be, and embrace what reality is.

Alanon has a relatively recent book that is really good on this topic entitled Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses. It is focused on the different mourning processes loved ones of alcoholics go through.

Just thought I'd share that, and a hug,

CLMI

LaTeeDa

I completely agree. I used to tell my therapist that at times I felt like melted cheese after a session with her. Those were the most productive for me personally, though.

It was tough and very uncomfortable to let go of the lies I had told myself for so many years.

You should be very proud of yourself for facing the truth. Many people never do. It's just too hard.

(((Blondie)))

L

GiveLove

My counselor and I worked on grieving a lot too, and I wondered why until I came to the same realization you just did: Something - a dream, a fantasy, a belief - had died and I needed to mourn it before I could move onto truer things. It took a LOT out of me...like a physical workout some days. But so, so worth it.

I think she's probably right, blondie. Keep up the great inner work!

Blondie

Thanks everybody. I am so glad that I found such a good counselor that specializes in co-dependency. Yes, it is exhausting, but since I've started to REALLY do the work necessary for my own recovery I have found much needed relief.

blessed4x

I've talked about this with my counselor as well. She said I can add my AH to my list of things to be grateful for because he is my best teacher for avoiding future relationships like the one we have. I asked her, if that was true, why so many people repeat them over and over. She said it is because most people are unwilling to do the hard work. I agree that most days it can be exhausting, but it is oh so worth it!

((((blondie))).....you've come a LONG way baby!!

Ago

True Dat!!!

I don't post much of my day to day "process" and "growth" but suffice it to say every "breakthrough" gets a nap....today's nap was four hours I think.

It's hard to be gentle and allow it to unfold, I feel this need to rush it...it's hard to let it be "on God's time" and not on "Andrew's schedule", I want what I want and I want it now, and right now that "to do" list is quite simply overwhelming.

So, for me, just doing the "next right thing" and allowing what "is" "to be what it is" while also moving forward towards better things takes everything I have.

Suzuki Roshi (I think) said his definition of patience was "allowing the present to be what it is, not waiting for it to change"

integrating that simple statement into my life and letting it drop from my head to my heart has taken more courage and..."depth" then anything I have ever done in my life thus far, so hang in there Blondie, you are exactly where you are supposed to be, We know it's hard, be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself, because no one else will (except of course us, and alanon, and a therapist but you know what i mean I hope)

It takes great courage to go on a journey of self discovery, but it's so very worth it, the rewards are beyond description.

MissFixit

There's a funny line from the movie "When Harry Met Sally." Something like, "Well, the good thing about depression is that you catch up on your sleep."

I have always found this very honest and funny.