tallulah

Hello everybody.. just a little update..

Well my face is healing better than I could ever have hoped for. I think I will get away with very minimal scarring if any at all. I have been makeup-less for several days and just keeping it clean and letting nature do its work and it is doing well. My friend said you can almost see it healing it is doing so good.

My hand, well, that is going to take longer but it is splinted and I'm doing my best. It's not easy. You really appreciate your thumbs when one is out of action. It's a little frustrating not to be able to do the things you take for granted (like use a knife and fork, lather your hair and do up a zipper) but I'm trying to do as much as I can on my own. It is a little embarrassing when you have to ask complete strangers to help sometimes but one thing I have noticed is that most people are generally incredibly sweet and more than willing to help with a smile.

Emotionally I am up and down. I suppose that is to be expected. But I am surrounded by love and care and prayers and people who kick me up the butt so I'm never allowed to get to 'internal' for too long. I've had some tough trials over the last 5 days trying to get other 'stuff' done and faced some obstacles but things are coming together.

The next big thing is the day after tomorrow when I have to return to the house to get my stuff. He (and/or his family or friends) may be there but I am not going to be alone and while it'll be very tough I have support and the knowledge that once that is done I never have to go back there again.

So I may be a little battered and bruised both physically and mentally.. down.. but I'm not out. This too shall pass. My friends say T was lost for a while but she's still in there.

I just want to say that I cannot thank you enough for all your words, thoughts and prayers.

T... xxx

tallulah

Oh and just to say...

I have forgiven the person that did this to me in my heart. I refuse to become bitter because of this. I am bearing no ill will and have let it go. His HP will deal with it.

I have also stopped blaming myself ALL the time. I may have moments but even in the short time I have been out of the situation I have started accepting that I am not responsible for his actions. I'm not perfect and I sometimes lapse into the old manipulated thinking that everything was always my fault, but I'm getting much better at that.

kj3880

Wow Tallulah. I'm worried about you. It seems "quick" somehow that you have forgiven him with all your heart at this early stage of the game. Have you taken the time to work through this, really? I mean, I'm still mad at him, and I've never even met you!

I just want you to be careful. A healthy fear of pain is called for here. He is responsible for what he did to you. Not you. I just...can't help but wonder if you have forgiven him this fast or are you making excuses for him as a way back to him. It scares me for you. Anger is one of the stages we have to work through to get to acceptance of what is. He IS an abusive bully who broke your hand and scarred up your pretty face. That is what is. Are you to acceptance of this already? I'm not saying be bitter, but I am saying that a certain amoung of anger would be normal for a while. I can't imagine looking in the mirror at marks and not being mad. Or having to ask a stranger to help me zip my coat and not being angry, either.

Are you seeing a counselor? Meetings for support?

I want you to know that it is possible to call 911 and have the police escort you to your home to get your things. And they will make him go away from you while you get them. Don't expect too much from yourself too quickly. You've been through a lot. Time to give yourself time to heal and learn about battered women and the dynamics that go along with the situation you were in, or you'll risk getting into the same relationship with a similar man.

Love,
KJ

catlovermi

Keep ploughing through, Tallulah, you are doing so well!





CLMI

Glenna9802

I'm glad you gave an update, T...I always check. Thank HP for that strong support system you have, sounds like awesome people!!

Love to you!!

tallulah

Hi kj… :ghug3

In my heart not with all my heart: that’ll take longer.

What I suppose I am saying is that I am forgiving as an act of untying myself from any thoughts and feelings that bind me to what was committed against me. I do not want them to hang over me and stop me living in the present. I don’t want to live with grudges and resentments.

Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that I am denying his responsibility for hurting me, nor minimize or justify the wrong. I am forgiving without excusing the act. Sometimes I feel infuriated that this has happened to me: but when I do I remember how very much worse it could have been.

I am not looking for a way back, just a way forward and a future. I’m not going back to him, don’t worry. I have a lot of people who would kick my butt if I even contemplated it.

I haven’t been to a meeting yet, I’ve been busy with hospital and the next step of removing my stuff. But I have been talking it out and I plan to get counselling and get to a meeting as soon as I am able.

As for any future guy I think they will be heavily vetted by my friends and family before they are allowed within touching distance.

Freedom1990

I sincerely pray you follow through with counseling. I went back to your original post when he first assaulted you with the glass and caught this portion:

I may have missed it, but I don't ever recall you talking about him physically abusing you before.

I kept the fact I was battered by my EXAH hidden from everyone. I was ashamed. I minimized it. I denied it was that bad. I excused it. I felt I deserved it. The list could go on and on.

Please please do get some counseling.

The effects I suffered after I left the EXAH were profound, and I wish I had sought counseling for that early on.

:ghug :ghug

tallulah

No Freedom.. you are absolutely right. I didn't talk about anything to anyone.

I'm already in touch with victim support and I'm talking to my Doctor about counselling. I'm going to have it.

naive

hi tallulah-

i have been checking for your updates. thank you for keeping us informed. mine has also thrown things in anger. i take your recent events as a warning to take it seriously and for that, i am grateful to you.

oftentimes, we are dealing with subtle intuitive feelings that things aren't quite right. it's so easy to brush that aside and keep on hoping things will become smoother. it appears in reality, things oftentimes become tougher.

peace and clear thought to you,
naive

Freedom1990

I am so glad to hear that! I had horrible nightmares for years, and probably PTSD too, but I didn't reach out to any resources for a long time.

I care about you, and I know God has wondrous things in store for you, gal. Oh, and I had to break up a fight between two of my dogs a few years back, which yes, I know is not recommended. To make a long story short I got bit in the face (I was in the way, one was trying to bite the other), and I also got chewed through between the thumb and first finger when I had my hand in the one dog's mouth trying to get her to let go of the other dog.

I know how painful and 'clumsy' it is healing from that sort of traumatic injury. I do have nerve damage in the thumb that flares up occasionally (the doctor who repaired the damage said my thumb would never be 100%), but it's mostly a numbness that comes and goes. The scars on my face have faded and there's just a 'shallow' groove in one small spot that covers nicely with makeup.

I hope you heal well. :ghug :ghug

tallulah

Thank you twinnie.. :ghug I hope things are ok with you...

Love to you too.. x

tallulah

Hi niave.. :ghug

I hope things with you are well and you are getting some R&R.

It worries me to hear that your A throws things too. It is easy to play down the gravity of the situation when you are in it. But that is dangerous and what he is doing is serious. I've spoken about my blessings and that while I am injured it could have been worse: well I have addressed how it could have been worse. It could have scarred my face, blinded me, and what is more frightening severed my carotid artery or fractured my skull and killed me. Even though I am injured I was incredibly lucky.

You are spot on about subtle intuitive feelings that niggle at you, telling you this is not right. But then they get countered by the A being loving and a hope that this time is the last time. But nothing changes if nothing changes.

The male partner in a couple I know said something very interesting to me when I was having a slight relapse on the feelings of guilt. He said, 'The vast majority of couples have arguments or disagreements. The vast majority of couples have instances when the other partner is hurt, angry, scared, upset, frustrated. The vast majority of partners in couples do NOT pick up objects and thrown them at or around people, Because the vast majority of people understand that to do so may have consequences not least for the health of the other.'

You have the right to live in a home without missiles. Where you are safe. xxx

MissFixit

Tallulah,

So glad to hear that you are mending. I wish you luck in the days to follow. Please keep us posted.

Miss

Jadmack25

Have been still worried about you, and of course have kept you in prayers. I am so relieved that you are "on the mend", and have such wonderful support from friends. I am so impressed that you can forgive what was done to you, but then I guess you have enough to carry without the load of anger, bitterness and negativity that being unforgiving can bring.

You are right about people kicking your butt if you went back for more c**p from him, in fact there would be a chorus line of high kickers to do it.

Keep strong and take care of you.

God bless

tallulah

Thank you Jadmack :ghug

I am blessed in so many ways. Sometimes it is difficult to see them but my blessings are still there.

I went to the house to get my stuff today. We arrived a little early and stayed in the truck until the police arrived. Apparantly my ex called the police to have a moan because he was not happy we hadn't arrived at 12 noon on the dot, but he was advised to go out and away from the property while we were there which he did.

My ex walked past the van where I was sitting. And I felt he looked pitiful and pathetic. He looked like my attacker, not someone I once loved. His Father oversaw the move. He said nothing much to me: he certainly didn't ask how I was. I saw the place where the glass struck. The doorframe at my head height was quite heavily chipped, splintered and scarred. All in all it was deeply unpleasant and stressful. But I and the people who were with me remained cool, calm, collected and utterly reasonable (even in the face of the Father pointedly doing things to try and wind us up). As my friend said, 'he was acting like we would make trouble and the fact we were measured, adult and courteous will resonate'.

But that part is over now. There are further unpleasantries, stresses and obstacles ahead but at least now I can stop worrying whether today is the day he goes mad and damages my stuff.

Freedom1990

I'm glad your stuff is now out of there! Good on all of you for not reacting to his father's crap!

:ghug :ghug :ghug

Glenna9802

Hey lady, I'm glad you got your stuff intact. You have been so brave and an inspiration to a lot of us here. I'm proud to have you as my "twin"...xoxo

JenT1968

hey,
glad you updated, glad you've got your stuff, glad you didn't have to be in the house with him, glad its been a beautiful sunny day (hope it has with you) hope you got to see the beginnings of spring around you, I feel its going to be a wonderful summer this year full of our joy.
hugs
ceri
xx

tallulah

Thank you..

He is their son so I am not surprised the parents feel protective and I have to remember they have heard just his side. In addition they have had an issue with me from the very moment I came into his life (before they even met me): and the only time I ever met them was approx. 3 months into the relationship when the A had gone on a week long bender. And they blamed me for that too (even thought I lived close to 200 miles away). So as I said, not surprised.

Still my injuries are apparent, how I got them is a matter of record and I have to say if he were my son I wouldn't be so niavely supportive.

tallulah

Awww thank you.. :ghug one day at a time.. that's how I'm taking it..

I'm not brave, just putting one foot in front of the other.