CrossDaHudson

So my wife has about a year sober and turns out she has been having an affair with a man in one of her meetings. She has cheated in the past while she was drinking. We have a 4 year old and I am on my last straw with her. Seems like this cheating and lying comes with the addict territory. She actually sent a dirty text to my mother thinking it was her affair dude. I said I will try to do some therapy to see why she is reaching out to other men. We have a sweet 4 year old so that makes it rough. Any similar stories?

loverof1

I'm so sorry hon. Sometimes even when they are sober...they are still selfish.

Lilyflower

Alcoholism doesn't excuse infidelity and lack of respect - sometimes, the A just has these as a personality trait. She is 13th Stepping which is frowned on for many many reasons!

Soory you are going through this

Hugs to you

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CrossDaHudson

Tough with a kid involved. If it wasn't for him she would be out on her ass.

CrossDaHudson

Thanks, she claims she wants to go to a therapist to see why she is craving other men. Aren't the dudes in AA supposed to stay away from the vulnerable recovering women?

CAPTAINZING2000

Just cause, I'm not drinking doesn't mean , I can't be an @sshole.

Ah, have you confronted your wife?

Still Waters

Yes, they are encouraged not to get into a relationship for a year actually - of course that's for SINGLE people.

Just because she is sober doesn't mean that the crazy thinking is gone CrossDa, that takes years in some cases and that's with active involved recovery.

CrossDaHudson

She knows she is on her last leg. Not sure I can take much more lying

CrossDaHudson

She blaims everything on the drinking. She hasn't drank in a year but is now dirty texting and hooking up. Seem to be her outlet now that there is no booze. I'm sure meeting a man in the rooms that thinks like her is attractive.

Ago

With a year sober her alcoholism has nothing to do with her infidelity and lying.

All this talk of 13th stepping and alcoholism is just smoke and mirrors, it takes the focus off of the real issue which is, she lies and sleeps with other men, and you allow it.

These are the pertinent facts, what are you going to do to take care of yourself?

CrossDaHudson

With a happy 4 year old at home I can't do anything rash.

loverof1

Ago...I have to admit...you speak the truth. There have been times I did not want to hear what you were saying, but you seem level headed and right on the mark. Someday I hope to be as wise as you.

loverof1

Cheating is something I cannot tolerate from anyone. It is selfish and hurtfal to the full extent. My heart goes out to you and your little girl. Its not fair. You deserve more and she deserves less.

The only thing I feel secure in saying is what goes around comes around. You cannot make a lasting relationship based on cheating. It just simply does not work. It may take some time, but in the end...it never works.

Ago

I wouldn't consider leaving someone who is sleeping with others and in this day and age literally putting my life at risk a rash decision but I understand what you are saying.

The only rash I would be worried about right now wouldn't be a decision.

CrossDaHudson

Thanks guys. I will see what transpires.

GiveLove

So sorry you're going through this. Consider that raising a 4 year old in a home with anger, infidelity, lying, and a weak grip on sobriety at best, might be a sure way to raise an UNHAPPY 4 year old. Remember that you are modeling what "correct" marriage and relationships should look like to him/her, 24 hours a day. They're learning whether you think they are or not - ask any of the moms/dads on this board. Looking through their eyes....is this the way you want them to grow up and "do" marriage themselves?

Keep your head and try to do what's best for the two of you (you and your child). Your wife seems to be "taking care of her own needs" so to speak. Sending you support to get through this. Remember alcoholism is no excuse for cr@ppy behavior.

Freedom1990

The fact is, dudes or not in AA, she is responsible for her own behaviors.

You say you have a happy 4 year old at home, thus nothing rash right now.

Take it from a recovering alcoholic and codependent who has had children affected by alcoholism, that 4 year old is picking up on any subtle nuance, any tension, any anger under the surface, any 'hidden' emotions.

Children are like sponges and extremely perceptive. Children learn what they see.

I have a 31 year old daughter who's an active addict/alcoholic and she learned many many dysfunctional lessons in the first eight years of her life, first with an alcoholic/addict mother (me) and then with an alcoholic/addict stepfather, now deceased.

I played with sex/relationships for a long time into sobriety, but I wasn't married either. I also relapsed after 4 years because I wasn't honest with myself. My feel-goods weren't coming from working a program-I was still seeking them from outside sources (sex/relationships).

If you want to hang in there and give it a go because she wants to do therapy, that's your choice. However, I caution you against falsely believing that 4 year old child is currently unscathed by what is transpiring in the marriage.

CrossDaHudson

We definitely need to give therapy a try. Our normal home life is stable and loving. I spoke to her sponsor and she thinks her manipulative selfish behavior is very typical of an addict. I need to know if she reaches outside our family because she is missing something at home, or if she has this inherant need for other excitement. Gotta try before I pack in 5 years of marriage. My son has never seen us fight, cry, or dissapear. I need to think about him first.

Freedom1990

Why did I cheat on my first husband? It had nothing to do with anything missing at home and everything to do with me. I was still trying to fill that hole inside of me with things 'out there'.

LaTeeDa

They don't have to 'see' anything to learn from us. If we have unhealthy attitudes, behaviors, and ideas--even subconsciously--that's what they learn. You may think he is too young to pick up on these things, but he is learning that it is okay for someone to lie and cheat and that you put up with those things in a marriage. The longer you continue putting up with it, the more ingrained these roles will become for him.

L