want2help

I am engaged to an alcoholic. He has been drinking seriously for about 9 months now. We have been through rehab once but he signed himself out early and detoxed at home. Right now he has been drinking straight, 24/7 for 9 days. He is drinking straight spirits and up to 3 litres a day.

I can hold a conversation with him in the mornings but at night he is at his worst, falling over constantly, falling out of bed, having trouble feeding himself. I am out of options. He has it in his head that he is "wiening off" so to speak. And everytime he wakes up he drinks more to get back to sleep.

I am running out of options. He refuses to go to the doctor to get valium as he thinks it makes him stupid, i cant call an ambulance cause he refuses to go with them. He is in a well paid job that does not involve leaving the house so his income is regular.

Today I tried hiding his wallet. I said if u want relief you have to come with me to the doctor. He refused. He found money in the car and bought wine.

Someone please help. Do i have to wait until he has a bad fall. A heart attack? A stroke. I have to leave for work soon, do i give him his wallet or take it with me???

Please help, I am going insane.

catlovermi

Welcome to SR! This is the right place for you to come, to learn the things you need to learn!

The first thing you can do is go to the top of the topics, and begin reading the sticky posts. They are a gold mine of information about what you are facing.

Others will be along shortly to add more, but I wanted to welcome you, and give you hope that your life can become better!

Keep coming back, and posting, and asking any questions you may have. We're here to support you.

Oh, and don't take his wallet. You have no control over what he does. Only over what you choose to do. If you need to, just get out and away from him for a sanity break, even if just for a while. If you're not ready for this, or choose not to do this, then do some reading around these boards after work and ask questions as they come up.

Sending encouragement and hugs to you,
CLMI

freya

want2help: I'm sorry you are going through this, but I think you need to give some serious thought to the question of who it is you really have any power to help in your situation and why?

As painful as it is for those of us who love alcoholics to accept this fact, we did not cause the disease of alcoholism, we cannot control it, and we cannot cure it. If by "helping" you mean to try to do any of those things, the truth of the matter is that you cannot -- it is impossible for you to stop or to control in any way the alcoholic's drinking and by trying to do so, you only become crazy yourself in the process...

...and, indeed, you do not have the right to try to stop him . You say that you are engaged to this man, so, I'm assuming that that means that you love him. If you love him, I'm also assuming that that means that you want to treat him with dignity and respect. Well, he is an adult. As an adult he has the right to make his own choices and to "deal with" the consequences of those choices without your interference. When you take his wallet, you are treating him like a child and denying him the rights and responsibilities he has an adult. Now, you may be absolutely right in thinking that it is not good or safe for him to drink -- but it does not matter whether you are right or not because, no matter what, you do not have the right to disrespect him and take away his dignity by trying to deprive him of his right to choose to do what he wants to do.

I know that all of this may sound crazy and confusing, but I've been where you are and, believe me, it is the only way.......the only way for you to behave sanely and the only way for you to begin to help yourself, because in this situation, the only person you can help is yourself.

Find an Al Anon meeting and get to it as soon as possible -- you will find people there who have been where you're at and who can help you to help yourself.

Good luck -- freya

cmc

Welcome to SR. As has been said in the previous post, I cannot control or manage someone else's life for them. It's just not possible to outwit or out-love this disease and it doesn't make the person stop drinking. I know this because I tried it myself, as have many others here in the Friends & Family forums here at SR.

Although I don't have any control over this disease- I found out that I had much more control of my own life than I ever dreamed of. My son was an active drug addict for almost ten years. l learned that I had many choices and ways to make my own life better, safer and definitely more peaceful. I learned not to enable him in his disease- and to let him face his own issues and consequences.

There is hope. I found it by initially getting some counseling and then by attending Al-Anon and coming here to SR.

I hope you will stick around for some replies and also take some time to read the sticky threads because they contain a world of information and stories that will help anyone who is willing to take the time to read them. A good place to start would be to read some of the recommended books about codependency.

I'm glad you found us, you don't ever have to face this alone.

want2help

Thank you all for your replies. I burst out crying when i read them, knowing that i am not the only person going through this is a very comforting feeling. you are all right about the wallet thing, i am treating him like a child and he does know what he is doing and that he is hurting people, but its his choice. Its so frustrating though, I really miss him, and I mean, the real him. Thank you all for your help, i will get busy reading now.
thank you.

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

want2help

also, what are sticky posts?

smacked

Sorry to butt in.. is he driving to get this liquor? If anything else, I would call the cops, at least for the benefit of the general public

I know that sounds harsh, and coming at this from the other side of the coin so to speak (ex addict/alc), and as much as I get the three Cs, IF (cuz I don't know) he's driving around and you know he's THIS drunk all the time, I would personally feel some responsibility having knowledge that something like this was going on (if he's drinking and driving) and doing nothing to help the innocent people on the road. If he's not driving, how in the world is he getting liquor?

Also, another tidbit.. One time when I drank the way it sounds like he's drinking, my ex did call 911, mostly because he was scared i'd die in my sleep or something. They took me, fearful of the same. The docs at the ER didn't know how I was talking, much less alive.. I should have been dead, and was put on anticonvulsants to prevent seizures while I detoxed. If he's THAT intoxicated.. I don't know if he can make a competent plea of denying medical services.

ok.. bowing out now. good luck, seriously.

suki44883

One thing you can do...if he drives while drunk (such as to go buy more booze), call the police. You could very well save someone's life.

want2help

No he is not. He lost his licence due to drink driving. we have a pub in walking distance.

cmc

The sticky posts are the ones a the top of each forum front page. They're divided by a light blue bar to keep them separate from from the current posts-which is the area you are using right now.

Still Waters

Get yourself to an Al-anon meeting, right away! Really, you'll find so much support and help there for you. Notice I said YOU, not him, because as others have already said here, there isn't a thing you can do to change him, fix him, make him sober, whatever.

And you say you're engaged to him, it might be helpful for you to sit and think about living the rest of your life with him as he is right now. Are you prepared to do that?

Spiritual Seeker

Why are you engaged to someone who is out of control?

Better put some focus on yourself to determine what are good choices.

want2help

Ok, i have another question to ask.

Where we live, the bottle shop is walking distance away. now it closes at 7 pm. when i get home which is sometimes just before 7, and my AF has not bought his alcohol for the night and aks me to go and get it i refuse. however, if i dont drive him down (so that he does not miss the closing hours) then i am the one that gets woken up ALL night. "please get me a drink," ALL night.

sometimes i think its just easier to prompt hiim at 6pm and make sure he has enough...i feel like i am almost encouraging him though....

any suggestions?

Seren

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but know that you have found a wonderful place for support and information. Please keep reading, keep posting. With any addict, you will learn the three C's:

You did not Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure him.

Sending you hugs! HG

Seren

You should not feel responsible to provide him with liquor. In fact, that is one of the most classic enabling behaviors. If he does not have money, or time, or energy to get his own liquor....sorry for his luck, not your problem. If he wakes you up, kick him onto the sofa. Please understand that I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just hope and pray that you will feel you deserve peace.

Please take care of yourself. You deserve a peaceful life, don't ya think?

:ghug2
HG

LaTeeDa

Much like when we deal with children, they try as long as they have hope. If you tell your children no to a particular request most of the time, but give in once in a while, they will continue to ask and whine and beg and plead on the hopes this will be one of those times. Consistency is important. If you stick with your decision and do not give in to his manipulation and abuse (yes, I said abuse) he will eventually stop asking. If you keep giving in once in a while, he will continue to try. I know it's tough to endure those begging sessions, but if you do it consistently, it will subside. Do you have a place (in the house or elsewhere) you can escape to when you can't take it anymore?

L

want2help

I agree with everything that you are saying and the more i talk on here the clearer my life is becomming. I feel that now i can think clearer about how to go on about things.

i am just going to try and distance myself.... do they ever come around on their own?? is it even possible to 'wein" off alcohol with alcohol???? or will this continuous drinking just go on indefinately?? I miss him so much its tearing me apart.

prodigal

BUT

I'm glad you found us. Please consider the following questions. Before posing them, I want you to know that I have been married to two alcoholics. The current one has major memory problems, lack of cognitive ability, and (from what I know when I'm in his presence) has an obvious lack of ability to carry on a coherent conversation. He is drunk most of the time. He is probably even somewhat drunk at work, although I doubt the government job he has carries with it much in the way of responsibility now that his boss realizes he has a brain-fried employee on his hands. Unfortunately, it's a bit difficult to fire a federal government employee, particularly one who was an Army officer, after 17 years. I guess if my AH started shooting his co-workers, they might do something more than shove him into a corner with a box of crayons ....

That being said, I will return to the questions I wish to pose:

Have you noticed a progressive worsening of his drinking? (Alcoholism IS a progressive disease, left untreated.)

Do you understand that he does not wish to be helped by you?

Do you realize that somebody else's addiction and problems are causing you to feel insane? Have you given serious thought as to why YOU are allowing another person's addiction, which it appears he wants to continue, to drive you over the edge?

Why is HIS addiction making YOU insane?

Why do you keep feeling you are out of options? Do you believe you can make him get sober? Do you think you have some particular words you can speak to him that will cut through the fog of his addiction? Do you believe your options will get him better?

How about options for ways to get yourself to give him and his addiction some space? Could you stay with family or friends for a few days in order to get some breathing space from this insanity?

What are you getting out of this relationship? What is it you love about someone who is only emotionally available and coherent for a bit of time in the morning and then zones out?

Please take your time to chew on these questions before you respond.

want2help

I think after reading that, I need to take some time out. This is a little too upsetting. Its so true. I am so stupid for not seeing it. What the bh am I doing. Thank you all for your help.