beaumawe

I just want to say thank you for all who posted in the thread about no longer being with an alcoholic. I couldn't have read it at a better time.

AB is MIA now for 2 days, phone is off, his kids don't know where he is and I sat here panicking that something bad happened to him. I have that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, took off work because I didn't think I could focus on work not knowing if he was ok and then I read that thread...

I think I finally realized that my relationship w/my AB is not unique. I never talked about how he wets the bed nightly, how he always seems to let the dogs out w/out their chains when he is drunk, etc...but after reading through that I realize this is just part of being w/an alcoholic and what freedom there is when the weight is lifted off. Anyone involved w/an A has their own war stories. I used to feel sorry for him, wtf, sorry because I have to wash the sheets & comforter daily!

I have been telling him for the last 2 weeks that he needs to move out, that I need to get my life back. He won't budge, wont look for a place and continues to come & go drunk. Well, I am going to make the steps for him. I may be still enabling, but by god I am going to start packing his things for him. I want so badly to get my life back, it hurts to think that he will be alone and more than likely dead w/in the year, but if I don't make the move I will be emotionally dead.

That thread gave me things to look forward to, as much as it hurts to leave him. But I am convinced that the hurt will subside over time. I hope I have the strength to carry through, I think I will print out that thread and carry with me when I am having weak moments.

Anyway, I love this site and I love the support that everyone has for each other. Although I am a newbie to this site, I would sure appreciate any silent prayers of strength for me to see this through.

GiveLove

How about a not-so-silent prayer?

So glad you're here with us. Together we can all help each other find the strength and sanity to do what needs doing.

You do not know that he will end up badly. You just don't. Alcoholics are among the most resilient, manipulative people on the planet, and he may surprise you.

But you DO know that your life will be about a thousand times better without someone peeing in your bed, disappearing and sleeping god knows where, letting your dogs loose, refusing to leave when you ask him to, and generally abusing you in a hundred ways. It doesn't have to be the end if you don't want it to be. But getting him out of your home, your sanctuary, gives you mental and emotional space to really get clear on what you want out of the relationship, and set firm boundaries to protect yourself.

And if he does end up badly? Well.....would you rather it be ONE of you, or BOTH of you? Never underestimate the killing power of stress on our bodies and emotions.

Stick around, beaumawe. We're here for you!

Taking5

For his kids sake, at least file a missing person report.

beaumawe

Thank you , I read your response and the tears just started coming. I have pretty much lost all of my friends so as pathetic as it seems a kind thought from someone I don't know on the internet really means a lot to me. It is a comforting thought to know there are people out there who understand.

Our relationship has to be over, when he moves out the ties have to be cut. I have lived 6 years of broken promises and if in his life he finds sobriety it won't be with me, I hope he finds it. I just don't believe him and don't trust him and I don't think that will ever change.

I started going through all of our "junk" drawers, getting his clothes will be easy, but I want to make sure there isn't anything left in the house, no excuses to come by because he left his Ipod charger or anything else. I know him, he is that way, he hates to lose and I know once he moves out (if I can get him to w/out a restraining order) he will go into stalk mode. That part scares me a little, he has never been physical really, but the crazed look in his eyes when he is drinking does scare me. I read stories about women who are killed by there A partners and I think about that crazy look he gets. Definately time to move on.

beaumawe

I am thought about the missing person report, and I'm on the fence on that one. This isn't the first time he has done a MIA, he did for a week once just to binge with his buddies and not have me yelling about it.

If I call and report and he is ok, he will go ballistic because of course he has no Drivers License and he is seriously paranoid. He will go nuts if he thinks I reported the vehicle he has to the police. Of course if something has happened I won't be able to take the guilt.

I talked to his son about 1/2 hr ago and he said, "Guess Dad's on one of his binges again"
His son is 18 so he has seen a lifetime of his drinking & absentes.

I don't know what to do, I wouldn't even know where to tell the police he might be, he seems to find the sleezy bars that I don't even know exist.

loverof1

file the missing persons report and then be done with it. You can avoid future guilt if something happened. The rest is on him.

Taking5

The police will look to see if he is in custody somewhere, or in a hospital. Then they will look in the seedy bars. They will likely find him - they know the seedy bars as well as any alkie.

So let him be mad.

What if he turns up dead? They are going to come to your house wondering why you have not filed a missing person report.

You do not want to have this conversation, trust me.

Barbara52

Personally, I would let him be the adult he is and not file a report. Especially since he has a history of disappearing.

beaumawe

Well I called the jail and the hospitals he isn't in at any of them.

"Personally, I would let him be the adult he is and not file a report. Especially since he has a history of disappearing"

Part of me is feeling the same way Barbara. As I have been sitting here contiplating what to do, I realized that in all honesty part of me is afraid that if I file the police report and he finds out he will be so mad at me he will leave. Absolutely crazy thoughts since I want him to move out anyway...What is wrong with my thought process.

cmc

beaumawe- you have both my support and my prayers for the strength to do what you need to in order to take care of yourself.

Please remember that this forum is for _you_ and that only you can decide what is best for you. I can share my experience and hope that by doing that you will find in that some suggestions or solutions you might want to apply in your own life.

I once filed a missing person report and the _only_ reason I was able to do that is because the person I filed it for has a life threatening disease that requires medication. I was told by the police that other than that reason- any adult person has the right to come and go as they please.

My filing that report did _nothing_ to stop the addict from using. When he did 'turn up' with a friend who was pulled over by the police- I was notified, but right afterwards he was free to go right back to his destructive lifestyle. I remained in the dark and worried the entire time- save for the two hours when he called because he rightly figured that I was the one who filed.

I know from my experience that nothing I can do will stop a person who wants to drink or use drugs. I can't make them stop, but can only make good choices to protect myself from their actions.

If filing a report is even possible, and it makes you feel better- that choice is always yours. We aren't here to judge, but to offer support. I'm so glad to here that this site is helping you and as I said before, we are all hear to share our ESH- experience, strength & hope. As is said in the rooms of Al-Anon-anyone who reads is "free to take what they want and leave the rest."

GiveLove

I see your dilemma.

I assume his kids are not your kids? Don't live with you? And I assume this isn't the first time this has happened?

If you file a report, you feel you may face his wrath if he's arrested.
But being arrested may get him to jail, where he might find his bottom.
And getting another drunk driver off the streets for a while is never a bad thing...you may feel terrible if he kills someone with his car.

If you don't file a report, you're taking a safer route for yourself. Keeping the status quo, keeping your mouth shut...safer. I understand the lure of that too....you know that either way, a missing person's report won't save him from his actions. If he's hurt, he's still hurt. If he's shacking up somewhere, he's still there. Drunk in an alley, the police won't find him any sooner than they would anyway.

Hugs to you to get through these tough choices.

I'd certainly keep packing his stuff. You need this kind of life like you need a hole in the head (my dad used to say). And get ready to change those locks and get a restraining order. This is a battle for your own happiness and freedom...and LOTS of people win it. You can be one of them.

beaumawe

No, we do not share any children together, although I feel like his kids are mine. They are unfortunate to have not only an AF but an AM as well. I think they turn to me because I have always treated them like my own and I don't drink so they don't have the crazyness with me.

The sad thing is he just spent almost 2 months in recovery, he was at 82 days sober and just fell & fell really hard. I got a court order on him at Christmas time with the help of his son. We both to the point that we have told him we can no longer be with him when he is drinking. I was suprised his son did this, by no way would I influence him to do that, but I think when we got those 82 days of sobriety there was no going back for us. So I keep thinking he is losing his children, me, his home how much more before he hits bottom. I can't even imagine losing a child because I chose a bottle instead.

GiveLove

In this situation, it bears pointing out that men are seldom the victims of domestic violence, so it's easy to spout something like this without thinking of the repercussions.

GiveLove

The thing about us is that we "can't imagine" alcoholics losing this or that because of their drinking, but we will willingly sacrifice our OWN life and happiness for them. That's why we often say here that we're as addicted to our alcoholic loved ones as they are to their bottle.....we both act irrationally and make sad choices.

You didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

All you can do is save yourself. If you separate from him, you can still be there for his kids, and probably be a much better friend and supporter to them.

beaumawe

I know I will still have the opportunity to continue my relationship with his kids, they both have asked me if we really do separate can they still come and stay with me on the weekends because they don't want to be around their dad drunk.

Which is another dilemma for me, as much as I don't want to turn my back on them, I wonder if continuing to see them on a weekly/bi-weekly basis will hurt my chances of healing. I am also afraid it will be the "in" he needs to stop over or call.

This sucks, it's not the kids fault their parents are alcoholics

GiveLove

Agreed. Both my parents were drunks too. I know what they're going through.

All the more reason to keep working on yourself, hon. A strong You is your best advantage, no matter what happens. Have you ever considered attending al-anon meetings (for friends & family of alcoholics) ? A lot of us have found great in-person support there....helping work through all these dilemmas.

:ghug

beaumawe

I haven't attended Al-Anon, I'm not sure why I don't seem to want to take that step to going to a meeting. I printed out the schedule, have in on my fridge, but have never gone.

I guess I feel like what is a meeting going to do for me, I know what I need to do I just need to do it. I know it's stupid thinking because from what I hear & have read Al-Anon has helped millions

TakingCharge999

Hi beau, just offering ((hugs)) as I have no wise comments. Just wanted to tell you you are not alone and I am glad you are thinking of your own happiness first.

Its sad these kids have no one to turn to, but again, they are not YOUR kids. It sounds cruel, but perhaps you can "forward" them to a teacher, counselor, etc. that represents a sanity figure in their lives. Or Alateen.

beaumawe

I hate to see kids get thrown by the wayside, his 16 year old son is already experimenting way to much with alcohol. I have found 3 empty bottles in his room over the last month. Told AB and of course he said he was going to make his son do a teen rehab if he caught him again, 2nd time I found a bottle nothing happened. I called his mom & she pretty much had the same response as AB did. Once again I know I can't be a savior to anyone, but, I would sure like to give a little guidance to his kids because my AB & his ex sure aren't.

Still haven't heard a word from him, phone is still off. I have a sinking suspicion that he is doing crack along with drinking right now. In the past when he has taken off that has been the case, he shuts his phone off because he doesn't want to have to face anyone.

LaTeeDa

Kids learn from what they see, not what you say. The best thing you can do for those kids is show them what a healthy, happy, sane life looks like. In order to do that, you have to do what it takes to get one.

L