"Maintenance Crazy"
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"Maintenance Crazy"
This is an excellent blog piece by Susan Elliott
Choosing Well
March 16, 2009 by susangpyp
You don't HAVE to get better. You don't have to go NC or stay NC. You don't have to look at the dysfunctional dances in your life and stop doing them. You can continue to play the game. You can continue all the craziness and all the insanity. You can moon over your ex until the cows come home. You can watch your life seep away as you spend day after precious day undermining your own growth and change. You can waste as many minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years…your whole life if you want!
No one can make you into a person of substance if you don't want to be that. No one can force you into a life well lived. No one can make you dream and reach those dreams. Plan and achieve those goals. No one can make you do more than you've done in the past if you choose not to. No one can convince you that you're better off without your dopey bananahead ex if you want to concentrate on how good things were once upon a time. No one can make you get any better than you are right now. You can choose to stay sick and tired or you can choose to just settle for less or stay in (or go back to) misery and insanity. Getting better IS the road less traveled. There are less people sharing your rarefied air. But the people there are so worth it. Loyal. Loving. Dependable.
The choice is truly yours.
Last September, after Michael's seizure and before his diagnosis I reflected on here about what things had been like before I met him in June of 1996. I had been in a few relationships, had broken up a long-term relationship in August 1994 and then had a very short but fairly serious relationship with someone who had been my friend. In the next year and so many months I dated some but not much. For the most part I wanted to be alone. Inside I was giving up on romantic relationships and really tired of watching people around me "settle" for less and telling me I was too picky. I ended two very close friendships with two women who were best friend 1 and best friend 2 mostly because of their willingness (almost eagerness) to give up who they are for a relationship. In my mind they gave it up and convinced themselves their partner was "the one" because they were tired of the romantic rat race. For me I vowed to NOT do that. I'd rather be alone.
I wrote that in September I had reconnected with someone whom I thought was into getting better and recovery and what have you. Apparently after we lost touch he dropped the ball on that one and went off in some other tangential direction. As a result, he's in the same place or perhaps worse off, than he was when we lost touch some 8 years ago. He's now (again) looking for love in all the wrong places and thinking that a relationship (woman) will complete him. He's done the backslide in a huge way and has no one in his life who will check him and say "hey, maybe this is not a good idea…." He goes to some program where "positive reflecting" is the only feedback allowed. So apparently they're all doing what they want and giving each other big high fives over it even if it's nutty and self-destructive. The thing is that he's never going to be in enough emotional pain for the nuttiness to become apparent. Buying into the maintenance crazy plan. It was a little shocking to me as I really thought he "got it" and was really working hard and wouldn't stall out as he had. Apparently making healthy choices got to be too hard for him and he slid back and just signed onto the maintenance crazy plan. Yee ha.
What is the maintenance crazy plan? When you're just crazy enough to live a dysfunctional life but not so crazy you need to change anything.
I've talked about being in so much pain that you become willing to do anything you need to do to change things so that you will never feel that way again. Unfortunately some people never get to that point.
I used to observe members of my family, back when I was speaking to my family, that were "maintenance crazy" meaning they were just crazy enough to maintain a semblence of normalcy. In other words, things would never get SO bad that they would feel compelled to change anything. I remember seeing breakups and thinking this would be the PERFECT opportunity for a person to look at what exactly was going on and to change things once and for all. But even though they would be in pain and open to change things, they would lose the resolve and go back to what they did before, go into more bad relationships and go back to maintenance crazy.
Maintenance crazy is being dysfunctional to the point where it works for you and nothing ever gets bad enough for you to go, "Whoa, am I screwed up or WHAT?" And when you learn to live with a certain level of dysfunction, you never get to real happiness and healthy relationships. You just tread water in dysfunctional waters with dysfunctional people for the rest of your life. (AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH).
Other people would get into a relationship too soon without ever resolving their last relationship and being so afraid of dealing with NOT ONLY another breakup but the feelings of the last breakup (because they had not dealt with it at all).
The reason some people stay FOREVER in bad second marriages is because they never dealt with their first breakup. I saw people go into a second marriage that was even WORSE than the first but they won't leave it for whatever reason. Usually the reason is that they don't want to face their pain or they don't want to "fail" yet again. Some people are more concerned with how a second divorce will "look" to others. Some people don't want others to think there is something wrong with them so they stay and stay and stay even though staying is a bit nuts. They have so many rationalizations: I can't do it to the kids, I can't be single again, finances etc etc etc. They can't or won't do what is necessary to clean the slate, start over and DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to stop finding themselves in this predictament. Or maybe they've made choices (maybe left their first spouse for this person) that they feel they can't un-choose. Some people do that in their own head…they will say something limiting like "Oh I left my spouse for this. I HAVE TO make this work." (Newsflash: you don't HAVE TO do anything).
A lot of times people prefer to tread emotional water or just lead a very stilted life rather than take a look at what is wrong and how it got to be that way. Some people simply don't get that life stops at some point. This life, this gift of life that you've been given, will end at some point and if you don't make good choices, you've simply blown the whole thing.
For me, I hit a brick wall and was in so much pain I could not pretend that things were okay. I could not go back to maintenance crazy….I was in too much pain for that…and I'm now grateful that was the case.
When you are in so much emotional pain that you RUSH to healing places like your hair is on fire, when you become willing to absolutely anything, including changing everything, so that you will never feel this way again, THAT is the gift of desperation.
And desperation isn't something that you just sit around and wait for. It's something you can arrive at by looking at your life and your circumstances and thinking, "Whoa. Wait a minute. I deserve so much more than this." When you become willing to look at your life in a very critical and honest way, you can develop the gift of desperation. Not desperation in the general sense of the word but desperate as in willing to do whatever it takes to change your life.
Sometimes you need to understand that walking through the pain, doing the work and coming out on the other side is what will change your life for the better. Sometimes you need to look at the choices you've made in your life and ask yourself if you're just taking the easy way out or is this what you really want and how you want it. If not, you have to become willing to do whatever it takes to change things once and for all.
It's hard and it is the road less traveled, but it's the one worth traveling.
Choosing Well
March 16, 2009 by susangpyp
You don't HAVE to get better. You don't have to go NC or stay NC. You don't have to look at the dysfunctional dances in your life and stop doing them. You can continue to play the game. You can continue all the craziness and all the insanity. You can moon over your ex until the cows come home. You can watch your life seep away as you spend day after precious day undermining your own growth and change. You can waste as many minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years…your whole life if you want!
No one can make you into a person of substance if you don't want to be that. No one can force you into a life well lived. No one can make you dream and reach those dreams. Plan and achieve those goals. No one can make you do more than you've done in the past if you choose not to. No one can convince you that you're better off without your dopey bananahead ex if you want to concentrate on how good things were once upon a time. No one can make you get any better than you are right now. You can choose to stay sick and tired or you can choose to just settle for less or stay in (or go back to) misery and insanity. Getting better IS the road less traveled. There are less people sharing your rarefied air. But the people there are so worth it. Loyal. Loving. Dependable.
The choice is truly yours.
Last September, after Michael's seizure and before his diagnosis I reflected on here about what things had been like before I met him in June of 1996. I had been in a few relationships, had broken up a long-term relationship in August 1994 and then had a very short but fairly serious relationship with someone who had been my friend. In the next year and so many months I dated some but not much. For the most part I wanted to be alone. Inside I was giving up on romantic relationships and really tired of watching people around me "settle" for less and telling me I was too picky. I ended two very close friendships with two women who were best friend 1 and best friend 2 mostly because of their willingness (almost eagerness) to give up who they are for a relationship. In my mind they gave it up and convinced themselves their partner was "the one" because they were tired of the romantic rat race. For me I vowed to NOT do that. I'd rather be alone.
I wrote that in September I had reconnected with someone whom I thought was into getting better and recovery and what have you. Apparently after we lost touch he dropped the ball on that one and went off in some other tangential direction. As a result, he's in the same place or perhaps worse off, than he was when we lost touch some 8 years ago. He's now (again) looking for love in all the wrong places and thinking that a relationship (woman) will complete him. He's done the backslide in a huge way and has no one in his life who will check him and say "hey, maybe this is not a good idea…." He goes to some program where "positive reflecting" is the only feedback allowed. So apparently they're all doing what they want and giving each other big high fives over it even if it's nutty and self-destructive. The thing is that he's never going to be in enough emotional pain for the nuttiness to become apparent. Buying into the maintenance crazy plan. It was a little shocking to me as I really thought he "got it" and was really working hard and wouldn't stall out as he had. Apparently making healthy choices got to be too hard for him and he slid back and just signed onto the maintenance crazy plan. Yee ha.
What is the maintenance crazy plan? When you're just crazy enough to live a dysfunctional life but not so crazy you need to change anything.
I've talked about being in so much pain that you become willing to do anything you need to do to change things so that you will never feel that way again. Unfortunately some people never get to that point.
I used to observe members of my family, back when I was speaking to my family, that were "maintenance crazy" meaning they were just crazy enough to maintain a semblence of normalcy. In other words, things would never get SO bad that they would feel compelled to change anything. I remember seeing breakups and thinking this would be the PERFECT opportunity for a person to look at what exactly was going on and to change things once and for all. But even though they would be in pain and open to change things, they would lose the resolve and go back to what they did before, go into more bad relationships and go back to maintenance crazy.
Maintenance crazy is being dysfunctional to the point where it works for you and nothing ever gets bad enough for you to go, "Whoa, am I screwed up or WHAT?" And when you learn to live with a certain level of dysfunction, you never get to real happiness and healthy relationships. You just tread water in dysfunctional waters with dysfunctional people for the rest of your life. (AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH).
Other people would get into a relationship too soon without ever resolving their last relationship and being so afraid of dealing with NOT ONLY another breakup but the feelings of the last breakup (because they had not dealt with it at all).
The reason some people stay FOREVER in bad second marriages is because they never dealt with their first breakup. I saw people go into a second marriage that was even WORSE than the first but they won't leave it for whatever reason. Usually the reason is that they don't want to face their pain or they don't want to "fail" yet again. Some people are more concerned with how a second divorce will "look" to others. Some people don't want others to think there is something wrong with them so they stay and stay and stay even though staying is a bit nuts. They have so many rationalizations: I can't do it to the kids, I can't be single again, finances etc etc etc. They can't or won't do what is necessary to clean the slate, start over and DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to stop finding themselves in this predictament. Or maybe they've made choices (maybe left their first spouse for this person) that they feel they can't un-choose. Some people do that in their own head…they will say something limiting like "Oh I left my spouse for this. I HAVE TO make this work." (Newsflash: you don't HAVE TO do anything).
A lot of times people prefer to tread emotional water or just lead a very stilted life rather than take a look at what is wrong and how it got to be that way. Some people simply don't get that life stops at some point. This life, this gift of life that you've been given, will end at some point and if you don't make good choices, you've simply blown the whole thing.
For me, I hit a brick wall and was in so much pain I could not pretend that things were okay. I could not go back to maintenance crazy….I was in too much pain for that…and I'm now grateful that was the case.
When you are in so much emotional pain that you RUSH to healing places like your hair is on fire, when you become willing to absolutely anything, including changing everything, so that you will never feel this way again, THAT is the gift of desperation.
And desperation isn't something that you just sit around and wait for. It's something you can arrive at by looking at your life and your circumstances and thinking, "Whoa. Wait a minute. I deserve so much more than this." When you become willing to look at your life in a very critical and honest way, you can develop the gift of desperation. Not desperation in the general sense of the word but desperate as in willing to do whatever it takes to change your life.
Sometimes you need to understand that walking through the pain, doing the work and coming out on the other side is what will change your life for the better. Sometimes you need to look at the choices you've made in your life and ask yourself if you're just taking the easy way out or is this what you really want and how you want it. If not, you have to become willing to do whatever it takes to change things once and for all.
It's hard and it is the road less traveled, but it's the one worth traveling.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Unfortunately, I know some folks who subscribe to this plan.
But rather than dwell on them, I'm working hard to make sure that this is a club I never belong to. It is hard work, but rewarding. And the folks you meet along the way are golden, because they want more out of life, too - they want growth.
CLMI
But rather than dwell on them, I'm working hard to make sure that this is a club I never belong to. It is hard work, but rewarding. And the folks you meet along the way are golden, because they want more out of life, too - they want growth.
CLMI
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Definitely used to be a card-carrying member of that club.
The terrible thing was I didn't realize it. It was normal to me. I knew no other way.
Only when I started consorting with those weirdo "normies" could I see a side-by-side: how they lived, felt, succeeded; how I struggled, hurt, didn't.
Great blog entry. Wish I were that articulate
The terrible thing was I didn't realize it. It was normal to me. I knew no other way.
Only when I started consorting with those weirdo "normies" could I see a side-by-side: how they lived, felt, succeeded; how I struggled, hurt, didn't.
Great blog entry. Wish I were that articulate
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Maintenance Crazy is one thing, but the thing that really gets to me and blows my mind is the people who actually do get into enough pain to do something about it and start out on the road to revcovery (of whatever kind), but, as soon as things reach some kind of "OK" or acceptable level again, they just drop it all and coast along for as long as they can until they are back in extreme pain again...Then they come runnning back to recovery, do a little work to get back up to their "acceptable pain level" place, and start the whole thing all over again.
I mean, someone who mananges to set things up so they never get to the "extreme" pain place, well, that person doesn't really have any way of knowing for sure that what they have isn't as good as it gets.....but someone who has actually seen and begun to walk "the way out" and just settles for a repeat cycle of the same-old, same-old that always stops short of "happy, joyous, and free," that's just totally confounding to me.
freya
I mean, someone who mananges to set things up so they never get to the "extreme" pain place, well, that person doesn't really have any way of knowing for sure that what they have isn't as good as it gets.....but someone who has actually seen and begun to walk "the way out" and just settles for a repeat cycle of the same-old, same-old that always stops short of "happy, joyous, and free," that's just totally confounding to me.
freya
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
What is the maintenance crazy plan? When you're just crazy enough to live a dysfunctional life but not so crazy you need to change anything.
I've talked about being in so much pain that you become willing to do anything you need to do to change things so that you will never feel that way again. Unfortunately some people never get to that point.
I've talked about being in so much pain that you become willing to do anything you need to do to change things so that you will never feel that way again. Unfortunately some people never get to that point.
its a choice, their choice and its not my place to judge.
there are times, when people "working a program", "working on themselves" blah blah blah can come accross a tad holier than thou, I don't know what pushes my buttons in this piece, and I'll go away and think about it (they are my buttons after all),
but I just want to shout "get over it" at this piece.
harrumph
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Originally Posted by *Ceridwen 
or perhaps this works for them, it doesn't for me. But I am not them, if they are not in enough pain to change it, perhaps they are not in pain at all? perhaps they like it.
If someone chooses to whine, cry and complain to me, then I have every right to -- and I pretty quickly will -- make a judgment about whether or not that person and those kind of discussions are something that I want to have in my life and to which I want to give my time and energy. And, basically, the way I make that judgment is by trying to redirect, through questions and through sharing my own solutions to similar situations, the conversation when I'm with that person toward solutions rather than endless rehashing of problems. If the person appears open and willing to go there, then great. If not, then, for myself and my own sanity, I need to either set some clear boundaries for my relationship with that person, or, if s/he proves intent on wallowing in the problem despite my boundaries, I may need to disengage from that relationship altogether.
Actually, I first learned this lesson my first year in grad school. I lived in a house with 5 other women, one of whom was working in a very abusive p/t job on campus. We began to become friendly and soon she got in the habit of coming home after work every day and crying and complaining about all of the dysfunction in the dept in which she was working. I tried to offer solutions, but nothing took -- all she wanted to do was complain. After several months of this, a few things occurred to me:
1) She was not interested in solving her problem; she was interested in complaining and in getting sympathy;
2) It was frustrating to both of us when I tried to move her toward solutions because, for her, she didn't want to go there, and for me, it made me feel like I was being ignored and wasting my time;
and, 3) By allowing her to continue to complain to me and drag me into her drama despite an abundance of very clear evidence that she really was not ready to disengage from that drama, I was, unintentionally, enabling her to stay stuck in the drama by helping her maintain the illusion that she was trying to do something about it and by allowing her to let off just enough steam by whining and complaining to allow her to go back the next day and take some more abuse.
So, one evening shortly after I realized all of that, I just told her that I wasn't going to talk to her about it anymore because clearly I was unable to be of any true help to her and it was making me frustrated and sad to be constantly in the position of providing and audience to her pain.
She tried several times over the next few weeks to get me to let her violate that boundary. I didn't play. Finally, she gave up and, at first, got an attitude and didn't talk to me for a few days, but then, when I ignored that, started to come around and talk about other things.
Finally, about a month later, she came home and said she had quit the job.
Now, that story happens to have had an "happy ending" for both of us, and I'm grateful for that...and actually, I am still to this day a mentor to this woman. Of course, that's not always the way it works out -- sometimes the "maintenance crazy" person just goes and finds someone else who's willing to enable them. But, ultimately, I'm not responsible for their happy ending -- as much as I hope they find one -- I'm only responsible for my own. And, in order for me to fulfill that responsibility, yes, I will definitely be making some judgments about who I'm willing to and can beneficially (for both of us) spend my time and energy on and who I'm not.
freya
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Location: FL
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I really like the idea presented that only when the pain becomes too great- will a person seek change. It's really not up to me to decide for someone else if _they_ are accepting too much dysfunction in their life or not.
As Freya has already shared, what others do oftentimes _is_ my business but only in the way that their behavior relates to me.
If I am in distress due to someone else's behavior, I find boundaries and/or detachment come in handy. It's also a clue to me to take an honest look to see if I have a part in the situation or not.
As Freya has already shared, what others do oftentimes _is_ my business but only in the way that their behavior relates to me.
If I am in distress due to someone else's behavior, I find boundaries and/or detachment come in handy. It's also a clue to me to take an honest look to see if I have a part in the situation or not.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
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If someone chooses to whine, cry and complain to me, then I have every right to -- and I pretty quickly will -- make a judgment about whether or not that person and those kind of discussions are something that I want to have in my life and to which I want to give my time and energy.
But that is different from making a judgement about their lives, how they are living them, whether they are on the right path to recovery, or far enough along, or getting it quick enough and getting angry over their choices?
sounds to me exactly like getting all excercised over the actions of an alcoholic and not like growth at all.
any way like I said clearly this is pushing my buttons, given that I am annoyed by the piece in the O/P and I have to work out what those buttons are and what that means about me.
I don't know, I have a feeling that it is something about the whole finding solutions to other people's problems rather than allowing them to be, and find their own solutions, and getting frustrated when they don't get it, but its not a well formed thought (and I'm not saying that we shouldn't set up boundaries with people whose pain affects us) - I'm not sure what I'm saying really LOL... I'll shut up!!
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OMG, I was maintenance crazy for sooo long. I just didn't know the term. I think most of the women my age that are not really recovering are somewhere in the "maintenance crazy spectrum." Some are way off, some just starting off. It is so true that when you really start to work the steps, you can't believe how sick you really were, some of the sick choices you made, some of the behavior you ignored, some of the problems you failed to face...
KJ
KJ
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