close to losing it all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Illinois
Posts: 6
close to losing it all
hi all. newcomer to the forums and i'm looking for recommendations on what to do next as far as getting myself cleaned up is concerned.
here's my story: i come from a long line of alcoholics (grandfathers on both sides, my father, and probably more before). i've had problems off and on throughout my college years (graduated 2005) and after. had about a year more or less sober in '07 to early '08, and then moved to a new city to try to get a career going and use that ol' degree that i'll be paying for til i'm 35.
weeeeell, after moving and getting a factory job that i hoped to parlay into something greater (think upper management), i hit some financial snags. what snags, you ask? imy wife and i have had to replace both our cars car in the last 6 months, i've been in the ER twice for problems unrelated to alcohol, and in December i found out that i'd be losing my job come april. this is without mentioning the various problems my extended family and some of my friends have been dealing with that i have become part of.
until about august of 2008 i was doing more or less OK on the drinking front, consuming about 2-3 drinks maybe 2 nights a week. from august (when my car died) til october (ER visit #1) i upped that to about 4 drinks a night around 4 nights a week. starting to get a bit worse, eh? and since late december/early january, i've more or less been drinking a handle (yup, the 1.75 L bottle) of vodka by myself every 3-4 days or so, drinking every night. this went on until 3 nights ago when my wife told me that she wanted to leave me in part because she's scared of me. now, i've never physically harmed my wife while drunk (or ever, for that matter) as far as i know, so i was a tad confused as to what she was getting at. turns out i say some fairly mean things when i'm drunk that i don't really remember the next day, and it's been tearing her down for awhile now. got myself a good kick in the metaphorical cojones with that one, and it's safe to say it's deserved.
i should mention that i've been diagnosed bipolar, probably have some kind of borderline personality disorder, am an insomniac (part of the reason i drink, not that it's any excuse, and part of the reason i'm up posting this at almost 4 a.m. when i have to be at work at 10:00), and have been contemplating suicide a little more seriously than normal lately. also worth mentioning is the fact that i number among the 42 million or so Americans without heath insurance and given that I won't have a job in 3 weeks, i'm not really in a position to get much in the way of help from the healthcare system.
i have been sober for 3 days wihout much in the way of withdrawal symptoms; just some mild nausea and a headache. i'm trying to decide if an AA meeting or two (or more) would be a good idea. i'm not 100% sure about the Higher Power aspect of the program, and would like some explanations or examples that don't necessarily involve stereotypical deities as i was raised in the Lutheran church and have some severe misgivings about organized religion as a result of events that i won't go into here.
i desperately want to save my marriage to a wonderful, endlessly patient woman and am looking for suggestions as to what my next step should be. we are already looking into couples counseling which will hopefully help. i'm posting this here because i need a hand in getting this gorilla off my back. i want to stay sober, and i want my marriage to be as strong as it once was. i realize this is going to take some work and i'm probably not going to be able to do it alone or all at once due to the fact that life happens, whether or not we want it to. i need help.
here's my story: i come from a long line of alcoholics (grandfathers on both sides, my father, and probably more before). i've had problems off and on throughout my college years (graduated 2005) and after. had about a year more or less sober in '07 to early '08, and then moved to a new city to try to get a career going and use that ol' degree that i'll be paying for til i'm 35.
weeeeell, after moving and getting a factory job that i hoped to parlay into something greater (think upper management), i hit some financial snags. what snags, you ask? imy wife and i have had to replace both our cars car in the last 6 months, i've been in the ER twice for problems unrelated to alcohol, and in December i found out that i'd be losing my job come april. this is without mentioning the various problems my extended family and some of my friends have been dealing with that i have become part of.
until about august of 2008 i was doing more or less OK on the drinking front, consuming about 2-3 drinks maybe 2 nights a week. from august (when my car died) til october (ER visit #1) i upped that to about 4 drinks a night around 4 nights a week. starting to get a bit worse, eh? and since late december/early january, i've more or less been drinking a handle (yup, the 1.75 L bottle) of vodka by myself every 3-4 days or so, drinking every night. this went on until 3 nights ago when my wife told me that she wanted to leave me in part because she's scared of me. now, i've never physically harmed my wife while drunk (or ever, for that matter) as far as i know, so i was a tad confused as to what she was getting at. turns out i say some fairly mean things when i'm drunk that i don't really remember the next day, and it's been tearing her down for awhile now. got myself a good kick in the metaphorical cojones with that one, and it's safe to say it's deserved.
i should mention that i've been diagnosed bipolar, probably have some kind of borderline personality disorder, am an insomniac (part of the reason i drink, not that it's any excuse, and part of the reason i'm up posting this at almost 4 a.m. when i have to be at work at 10:00), and have been contemplating suicide a little more seriously than normal lately. also worth mentioning is the fact that i number among the 42 million or so Americans without heath insurance and given that I won't have a job in 3 weeks, i'm not really in a position to get much in the way of help from the healthcare system.
i have been sober for 3 days wihout much in the way of withdrawal symptoms; just some mild nausea and a headache. i'm trying to decide if an AA meeting or two (or more) would be a good idea. i'm not 100% sure about the Higher Power aspect of the program, and would like some explanations or examples that don't necessarily involve stereotypical deities as i was raised in the Lutheran church and have some severe misgivings about organized religion as a result of events that i won't go into here.
i desperately want to save my marriage to a wonderful, endlessly patient woman and am looking for suggestions as to what my next step should be. we are already looking into couples counseling which will hopefully help. i'm posting this here because i need a hand in getting this gorilla off my back. i want to stay sober, and i want my marriage to be as strong as it once was. i realize this is going to take some work and i'm probably not going to be able to do it alone or all at once due to the fact that life happens, whether or not we want it to. i need help.
Last edited by BebopEin; 03-18-2009 at 02:20 AM. Reason: rewording
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Ok this is what i did...went to private counselor, got given antabuse and anti depressants coming off both of them after being sober for 5 months now. Not cheap any of it!
I know i'm going to end up going to AA as i want to stay sober and change my life for the better, the higher power thing is just believing that you are not the master of your own universe and giving up all the crap we carry around to this HP. i think you should go straight to AA and make some friends who have been sober a long while, work the program and make it the most important part of your life otherwise drink will control you whether you are drinking or not!
What about the bipolar how you treating that/getting help?
I know i'm going to end up going to AA as i want to stay sober and change my life for the better, the higher power thing is just believing that you are not the master of your own universe and giving up all the crap we carry around to this HP. i think you should go straight to AA and make some friends who have been sober a long while, work the program and make it the most important part of your life otherwise drink will control you whether you are drinking or not!
What about the bipolar how you treating that/getting help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Illinois
Posts: 6
thanks.
as to the bipolar thing, pretty much just calling friends when i'm thinking of doing something stupid. given my current job situation and lack of health insurance, i'm already probably going to be selling plasma to pay for marriage counseling which might have to pull double duty as bipolar counseling too. i realize that's not exactly ideal and that i should probably seek help for just myself as well, but i honestly don't know how it's gonna get paid for. i was on several meds (lithium, zoloft, zyprexa, depakote, seroquel; not all at once) a few years back, went off them about 2 years ago and was more or less OK until this past summer in that department. lately i've mostly been self-medicating, and that, obviously, has not been going so very well.
as to the bipolar thing, pretty much just calling friends when i'm thinking of doing something stupid. given my current job situation and lack of health insurance, i'm already probably going to be selling plasma to pay for marriage counseling which might have to pull double duty as bipolar counseling too. i realize that's not exactly ideal and that i should probably seek help for just myself as well, but i honestly don't know how it's gonna get paid for. i was on several meds (lithium, zoloft, zyprexa, depakote, seroquel; not all at once) a few years back, went off them about 2 years ago and was more or less OK until this past summer in that department. lately i've mostly been self-medicating, and that, obviously, has not been going so very well.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
First of all let me welcome you to SR BebopEin.
I am going to suggest you do as I did ASAP, see a doctor familiar with alcoholism and be totally honest with the doc about your entire drinking career and the Bi-Polar deal & other feelinigs you mentioned.
The reason I bolded the word honest is because I have found being honest to be one of the keys to staying sober.
AA is what has worked for me in staying sober, I really suggest you try and do as I did as well, go to at least 90 meetings in 90 days and get a temporary sponsor.
Keep in mind that in AA there are no rules and the only requirement to be a member is a desire to stop drinking, that is it, nothing less and nothing more!
As far as the Higher Power deal goes, well I like how yeagr8 put it:
I have found a power greater then myself of my understanding, He is not of any faith or found in any scripture, yet he is found in them all in one way or another.
Basically I had to first admit that I was not all powerful, that I could not stay sober and happy on my own, I needed the help of someone or something with a power greater then me or alcohol. I can tell you what many of us in AA start of with as a power greater then our selfs that we understand..... the group of people we know in AA, they know how to stay sober and they do it by using a power greater then them selfs.
AA does not care if one is an agnostic, aethiest, Christian, Jew, Muslim, or what ever, it is not about religion, it is about getting spiritual, not about worship, it is finding a power greater then ourslefs that we understand that helps us to solve our problems, not only with alcohol, but life in general.
For now focus on the day, the hour, the minute if need be, just take it one day at a time.
Why not go to several AA meetings? Nothing to lose and everything to gain. You do not have to say a word, if they say a prayer you do not have to join in unless you want to.
I can tell you that I was scared to death of my first meeting, I found the people freindly, more then willing to help me if I just asked.
I will not lie and tell you all AA meetings are great, there not, most of them are though. If you go to one & do not like it try a few more, trust me when I say most of them are good.
Try and find a beginners meeting if possible or go to a speakers meeting.
I am going to suggest you do as I did ASAP, see a doctor familiar with alcoholism and be totally honest with the doc about your entire drinking career and the Bi-Polar deal & other feelinigs you mentioned.
The reason I bolded the word honest is because I have found being honest to be one of the keys to staying sober.
AA is what has worked for me in staying sober, I really suggest you try and do as I did as well, go to at least 90 meetings in 90 days and get a temporary sponsor.
Keep in mind that in AA there are no rules and the only requirement to be a member is a desire to stop drinking, that is it, nothing less and nothing more!
As far as the Higher Power deal goes, well I like how yeagr8 put it:
the higher power thing is just believing that you are not the master of your own universe and giving up all the crap we carry around to this HP
Basically I had to first admit that I was not all powerful, that I could not stay sober and happy on my own, I needed the help of someone or something with a power greater then me or alcohol. I can tell you what many of us in AA start of with as a power greater then our selfs that we understand..... the group of people we know in AA, they know how to stay sober and they do it by using a power greater then them selfs.
AA does not care if one is an agnostic, aethiest, Christian, Jew, Muslim, or what ever, it is not about religion, it is about getting spiritual, not about worship, it is finding a power greater then ourslefs that we understand that helps us to solve our problems, not only with alcohol, but life in general.
For now focus on the day, the hour, the minute if need be, just take it one day at a time.
Why not go to several AA meetings? Nothing to lose and everything to gain. You do not have to say a word, if they say a prayer you do not have to join in unless you want to.
I can tell you that I was scared to death of my first meeting, I found the people freindly, more then willing to help me if I just asked.
I will not lie and tell you all AA meetings are great, there not, most of them are though. If you go to one & do not like it try a few more, trust me when I say most of them are good.
Try and find a beginners meeting if possible or go to a speakers meeting.
Living in sobriety
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,870
:ghug3 Hello and welcome , I was once a mess with alcohol too, I had lots of other, health issues/ marriage issues also, but nothing changed in any of these areas until I stopped drinking on all my feelings. Stopping was not so hard for me ....it was staying stopped that was my problem. There was always another reason for me to lift that drink.
I sought help and went to AA, and followed the suggested program of recovery. everything was not rosey straight away but I now had a chance to look at my life/ work at my marriage etc. Marriage counseling is great but all these things were a waste of time for me while I was drinking. AA is not my life but it helps me get on with the rest of my life. For today it works for me and has done for many years. People get hung up on words and the religious thing. AA is not religious program .. Regardless .........TAKE WHAT YOU LIKE AND LEAVE THE REST.
I wish you and your family peace and happiness
I sought help and went to AA, and followed the suggested program of recovery. everything was not rosey straight away but I now had a chance to look at my life/ work at my marriage etc. Marriage counseling is great but all these things were a waste of time for me while I was drinking. AA is not my life but it helps me get on with the rest of my life. For today it works for me and has done for many years. People get hung up on words and the religious thing. AA is not religious program .. Regardless .........TAKE WHAT YOU LIKE AND LEAVE THE REST.
I wish you and your family peace and happiness
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Wow you getting something from these posts i hope:-)
It sounds like you really are in a ****** situation at the moment, i really hope you get the help you need and please keep coming back to SR, as you can see, you will get all the support and help in the world!
It sounds like you really are in a ****** situation at the moment, i really hope you get the help you need and please keep coming back to SR, as you can see, you will get all the support and help in the world!
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Welcome to SR. 
I can relate to the problems you are having with your wife as I am here on an ultimatum too.
Mine put up with my crap for 30 years and now I wish she would have called me out sooner.
When I committed to quit I wrote her a letter apologizing for the way I treated her and promising to never drink again or she would have every right to leave me.
I read this everyday and it keeps me focused on staying sober, Something like this may help you to.
I do not go to AA but come here daily for my support from the people here that I have become friends to. I am working my own program of recovery but if you can't do that AA may be the right route for you. There are things you have to change in orfer to remain sober,
Good luck. You can do it if you want to bad enough.
Here is the last line in that letter.
Honey I crave your love more than any substance so I WILL do this.
I can relate to the problems you are having with your wife as I am here on an ultimatum too.
Mine put up with my crap for 30 years and now I wish she would have called me out sooner.
When I committed to quit I wrote her a letter apologizing for the way I treated her and promising to never drink again or she would have every right to leave me.
I read this everyday and it keeps me focused on staying sober, Something like this may help you to.
I do not go to AA but come here daily for my support from the people here that I have become friends to. I am working my own program of recovery but if you can't do that AA may be the right route for you. There are things you have to change in orfer to remain sober,
Good luck. You can do it if you want to bad enough.
Here is the last line in that letter.
Honey I crave your love more than any substance so I WILL do this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
Hi Bebo,
I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 173 days clean.
Welcome to SR, you've come to the right place for support, encouragement, and honesty. Keep posting, you'll find it very helpful in your recovery, plus your story may help others.
C4P
I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 173 days clean.
Welcome to SR, you've come to the right place for support, encouragement, and honesty. Keep posting, you'll find it very helpful in your recovery, plus your story may help others.
C4P
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 16
Hi There Welcome to SR
I too was finally diagnosed as Bipolar last June. After years of ups and downs and addictions off again and on again, my doctor that I got hooked up with at the rehab center I went to put me on Depakote. It has made all the difference in the world. The anxiety is gone (well as gone as it can be) I fell good every day and most importantly I am not self medication with Norco just to feel like I can get through a day. I have had no desire to go back to the old ways none at all. I would get into a doctor before your insurance ends. After that I would apply for Medicaid or whatever assistance program your state has to help with medical bills. The folks at AA can really be helpful too. Go listen and let them help you. Sometimes I think that accepting help is harder than giving it.
Keep us posted
Sara
I too was finally diagnosed as Bipolar last June. After years of ups and downs and addictions off again and on again, my doctor that I got hooked up with at the rehab center I went to put me on Depakote. It has made all the difference in the world. The anxiety is gone (well as gone as it can be) I fell good every day and most importantly I am not self medication with Norco just to feel like I can get through a day. I have had no desire to go back to the old ways none at all. I would get into a doctor before your insurance ends. After that I would apply for Medicaid or whatever assistance program your state has to help with medical bills. The folks at AA can really be helpful too. Go listen and let them help you. Sometimes I think that accepting help is harder than giving it.
Keep us posted
Sara
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Illinois
Posts: 6
i'm planning on going to an AA meeting tomorrow morning at 11:00. it's the soonest meeting in my city that i can make it to and still get to work for the rest of the week (stupid 2nd shift job. won't have to worry about that much longer, tho.)
also will be going in to fill out intake-type paperwork at a counseling center for couples counseling for my wife and i at a place that has sliding-scale payment plans available. will also be looking into individual counseling for both of us while there.
another question: i've been sober for 4 days now after drinking, as i said before, a
1.75L bottle of vodka on my own every 3-4 days for almost the last 6 months. i've read that most detox-type symptoms start within 24 hours and that they typcially are at their worst about 3 days out. i'm 4 days out (last drink 4:30 a.m. 3/15) and am just now starting to feel pretty nauseous and kinda lightheaded. i got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night and am really tired. just wondering what i can expect in the next few days and if/when i should be concerned enough to seek medical attention.
also will be going in to fill out intake-type paperwork at a counseling center for couples counseling for my wife and i at a place that has sliding-scale payment plans available. will also be looking into individual counseling for both of us while there.
another question: i've been sober for 4 days now after drinking, as i said before, a
1.75L bottle of vodka on my own every 3-4 days for almost the last 6 months. i've read that most detox-type symptoms start within 24 hours and that they typcially are at their worst about 3 days out. i'm 4 days out (last drink 4:30 a.m. 3/15) and am just now starting to feel pretty nauseous and kinda lightheaded. i got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night and am really tired. just wondering what i can expect in the next few days and if/when i should be concerned enough to seek medical attention.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Welcome!
I'm glad you are in couples counselling and hopefully you will see some benefits from doing that.
I'm not an AA person, but I did to find a spiritual connection with myself in order for my recovery to work. By spiritual, I don't mean religious, I mean a connection with my soul and with a higher power or force. I also found that, for me, drinking was a symptom, and when I stopped drinking, I had to do some serious work on myself.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
I'm glad you are in couples counselling and hopefully you will see some benefits from doing that.
I'm not an AA person, but I did to find a spiritual connection with myself in order for my recovery to work. By spiritual, I don't mean religious, I mean a connection with my soul and with a higher power or force. I also found that, for me, drinking was a symptom, and when I stopped drinking, I had to do some serious work on myself.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 528
Hello & Welcome. I can so relate to alot of the issues you are having. And because of the problems I would drink, almost as much as you did, So I could forget, so I could sleep.
Then I would say stupid stuff, yell at my kids when they didn't deserve it. Fight with my husband. I lost 2 jobs & totalled a car, Got a DUI all as a result of my drinking.
Sometimes we have to almost lose it all to know we have to get sober.
I wish you so much strength in this journey.:ghug3
Then I would say stupid stuff, yell at my kids when they didn't deserve it. Fight with my husband. I lost 2 jobs & totalled a car, Got a DUI all as a result of my drinking.
Sometimes we have to almost lose it all to know we have to get sober.
I wish you so much strength in this journey.:ghug3
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