Nallabelle

I am an opiate addict. I came on the friends and family board to offer support and advice to those who need it.
I have quit using pills to fill voids in my life.
I cant imagine being on the other side though. Having a child on drugs or alcohol or a friend or spouse abusing a substance. I have two young daughters and I pray--well more like BEG God not to let them make the same mistakes I did and to give me the strength to guide them to make the right choices.
I had the picture perfect life growing up. No matter what, my parents were there for me. None of my choices were their fault. I blame them for nothing.
People have free will. Unlike most animals, humans dont always work on the reward system. They will choose to make bad choices because they can, regardless of the concequences. Dogs aim to please.
The biggest piece of advice I can give to anyone it may apply, is to stop enabling your loved ones to use. It was the HARDEST thing my parents had to do, and it took a very long time for them to do it, but once they did, the fun and games stopped.
My dad once said to me "once youre an adult, you are your own responsibility, no one is going to come on a white horse and save you, and eventually society is going to stop caring if you make bad choices and I cannot save you forever". That has stuck with me for years.
The enabling didnt stop when I turned 18. It took years but one day I woke up and realized that everyone had become numb to me and having a good heart, I knew it was up to me to fix myself and fix the relationships I had damaged.
It wasnt until the enabling stopped that I healed. It wasnt instant, it took time of me "thinking I could deal with it on my own and keep up my bad ways". It is a slap in the face and a reality check. I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy what my parents had to go through when they "cut me off" (in more ways than one) but, eventually, it worked. You dont have to give up hope though. But Be strong.

winnie12

As a parent of an addict - I thank you for your words.

UNHAPPY777

Thank You

Serenity Bound

Thank you from another Mom of an addict.

Angelic17

Nallabelle, wow, that really hit home for me. I am the mother of a 28 year old addict, and I did everything in my power to try to help him. I took him in, and I took him to doctors, paid his bills, supported him. Ran him in to one treatment center after another. Paid for his doctor, his medications. His food. I love him so much, but there is a thin line between helping an addict, and enabling one. Just like you say in your post, it wasn't until my son relapsed the 5th time, that I said NO. I will not pick you up. I will not help you. I will do nothing for you. That he walked himself to where he had to go to get the help. For today he is clean, and I am hoping and praying he stays that way. My entire family loves my son, but will not help or enable him anymore. He is 28 now. Grow up, and take responsibility for your own life, and your own actions. That is my message to him. God Bless you and your children, How lucky they are to have you for an example. Thanks for this post. Angel

Nallabelle

Angelic- Thanks for sharing. Ive seen posts from you before and you have so much wisdom in what you write.
I am 27, almost the same age as your son. I just recently got clean. Thankfully my addiction wasnt "too bad" by most peoples standards and it only lasted a short while. Still, the damage is done on so many levels. You stopped enabling your son, and he had to make a choice for himself. Still though, have no regrets. You did what you did the whole time out of love. Letting go had to have been heart wrenching, but it showed more than enabling ever could have, how much you love him because you knew that was the only way.
There is a psychologist by the name of John Rosemond who talks about how kids today are enabled and have a sense of entitlement that children did not have 50 years ago. Parenting grandmas way. What would your grandparents have done if this was their kid? Would they have reacted the same way you or my parents reacted? It is the difference between the 1950's parent-centered family verse the 21st century child centered family. Children today feel something is "owed" to them and they are STAYING CHILDREN way into adulthood.
Now is the time your son needs you the most.

Angelic17

Nallabelle, thanks so much for your wise words. You are very bright for a 27 year old, and you seem to know the real deal. I stand by my son 100% in his recovery. However, he wore us all out. He drove us nuts. We are tired of doing this over and over again with him. He hurt us all so bad. It's torture watching your beautiful healthy child destroy himself with drugs. It's up to him now. I love and support him 100% in recovery. However, like the last times he was in treatment, I sent support, get well cards, letters, and packages every single day. Then when I went to visit him, he would leave the next day, and never finished the treatment programs. He went through 4 or 5 of them, and now this time, I decided that I'm not running and sending anymore. There's only so much I can do. Don't get me wrong. I love my son more than anyone in this world. He is my life. When he was using, I was addicted to helping him recover. I busted my butt, to help him get clean and healthy. I almost died trying to save his life. It took me a long time to realize that I am powerless. I really thought that I could change him. I refused to listen to Naranon. But, now looking back, Naranon was so right. I physically ripped my son out of drug dens in Brooklyn NY. I could have been killled, but I had to get my kid out of there. I watched, waited, and then acted on it. I didn't care. Now, my son is about 1 month straight. He is not getting anything from me, except for love and support. He is so fortunate though. He has my older sister, who is a big NA person. NA saved her life, and she is clean 10 years. She gives my son, all the recovery she has, and she just adores him. He is a great guy. I can honestly say, with all the bull$hit he put us through, that he has never stolen, or been in trouble with the law. He has never disrespected me, or abused anyone. Even in his lowest of low's when he was sniffing heroin, he managed to stay out of trouble. But, just for today, he is out of the NY and NJ area, and he is clean, and doing well. He is in Florida and getting treatment in a spiritual environment. Thanks Nalabelle. I would love to talk to you sometime. I will request you as a friend. Bless You, Angel

jan123

So for those of us who were in a relationship with an addict as a wife or girlfriend, and we were blown off and replaced, by someone else who will enable them, or do drugs with them. It is still better right? Some of us feel guilty still to this day for stopping the enabling. I mentioned already in one of my posts that the last time I saw mine he asked me if he could move back in, because my home was the only place he felt normal. A red flag went up, and I said no! I thought that if he only felt normal here, what did he feel like out there. A place were he worked so hard to get to, which included losing me.

I was being used by him twenty four seven. Not for just little things but big things like buy me a house, a new truck, a motor home, a snow machine....his answer to the money problem was, you have credit, now USE IT! Oh and by the way welcome!

Hugs!

Jan

Nallabelle

Sorry Jan, that sucks. Addicts are selfish, I know I was.
The biggest thing you can do for yourself (anyone is a situation like this) is focus on your own healing. You cannot spend every waking moment focused on the addict. You have to find happiness and serenity in your own life. How unfair it is to those of you suffering through someone elses addiction. I am so sorry.

Sheila1970

Hi, this is my first post. I also have a 27 year old son and he is on suboxone. He told me about his addiction last January, started the suboxone and then relapsed in October and then started it again a little over two weeks ago. His father, my husband, told him we would help him pay his bills for two months and then he was on his own after that. We have paid all his late bills. He hasn't moved home. My question is, am I enabling him or just helping him out knowing that it is only going to be for two months. He has the potential to make enough money to take care of himself. He told us to just give him two months to prove himself. Thank you

Nallabelle

Well I am no doctor, but I am an addict so maybe I can help some.
If he hasnt repeatedly abused your help with his addiction, then I think you should help him. I relapsed off suboxone once too. The reason I relapsed is because while I was on it, I didnt fully understand the magnitude of my addiction and was not getting help for it.
If it were MY son (and I dont know everything that has happend, what drugs he was using, etc) I would help him for the two months. But you gotta throw some tough love in there too. I would tell him that I love him and want to help but he also has to help himself. I would require NA meetings, therapy, etc. I would require proof that he is trying to change his life. He has to take this seriously and so do you if you want to help him. Have long talks and maybe he SHOULD stay with you for a while to get his brain together and change his life. When youre on your own, temptations arise. Addiction is really hard and a life long battle. Cant just get on Suboxone and all your problems magically dissapear. Suboxone just buys you the time you need to learn to live life drug free.
I dont think SOME help is enabling especially if he is genuinely trying. Also do your research, suboxone has horrible withdrawals when coming off. You also need a support system for you and your husband. Good luck, keep posting it helps!

janet1965

what do you do when the parents are the ones supplying the drugs and you can't make them stop. you beg, cry, scream, threatin? throw a fit.tell them its killing him, but they continue?

Sheila1970

Thank you Nallabelle. I do see my son everyday so his incentive is to keep himself in the apartment but he lives close. He went to therapy last year for 6 months and doesn't want to go now. He doesn't go to meeting but he is in on-line meetings. Does that help? I am very anxious that he isn't doing enough, but he says "it" will never happen to him again and says he is determined and he is proving it, but I am only giving hiim two months.

Nallabelle

Janet- Parents supplying drugs? Wow that is really whacked out. I would call social services or the police. The child- whether adult or not needs to see what a typical, loving family operates like.
Shelia- Ok well if you KNOW he is clean and he is making an effort to get his life together then good. Online meetings... well thats what I do. Face to Face really is the best though.
It takes a while to get your brain to function normally and all the chemicals to really balance out. You cant expect too much too quick, but you must expect efforts to be made to live a healthy productive life.

rahsue

thanks for sharing.

sojourner

Nallabelle:

I've printed your original post - i look at that kind of advice at 10 PM when my mind starts worrying - I cannot thank you enough.

Yes, as far as parents in the 50s, i think you are onto something. But, I still believe there are parents like that today - maybe it's just not quite as common. Personally, I do think that monetary abundance is not necessarily a gift from God - because one of the differences between the 1950s and now is the huge amount of money within a family - maybe more parents in the 1950s would have enabled the life out of their kids if they would have had the money. I don't know, just rambling here...

Anyway, thanks again. Your experience has given you wisdom - you'll be on top of it very quickly if your kids wander into drug use/abuse/addiction... I know that my past experiences in that arena did help me when it came to my own parenting style and understanding the importance of starting at a very young age to deal with discipline, set the line of respect, deal with rebellion (and even the definition of rebellion), etc. And so with you.

Nallabelle

Thanks. I really didnt realize that this would have touched so many.
I am here to help anyway I can. Even if it means just listening.

meggymegos

Thank you for the post Nallabelle. Its good to hear from an addicts perspective. My boyfriend is also addicted to opiates. (And also crack occasionally) I really feel like his situation is hopeless, after him having used for over 10 years and being in and out of rehab constantly. He has even OD'd in my bed and would have died if I hadn't of woken up when I did. I do believe he wants to change, but I don't know if he has the confidence or self discipline to do it.

Your post helps me to know that distancing myself from him is the right thing to do. I need to "Let go and Let God." as they say. And trust that one day if we are meant to be, God will bring us back together.

Your post was much appreciated!

Meghann

BohemiMamaof3

Your post helps, Nallabelle. But sometimes I feel hopeless like Meggy described. My abrother is 37 and has been struggling with his addiction (crack and alcohol as far as I know) about 20 years now. Through numerous rehabs, hospitalizations, overdoses, incarcerations, he was even committed twice. I am relieved he lives on the opposite coast now, but also terrified. We have stopped enabling him, but there is always the fear that one day we'll get the phone call...