Too Much Info
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Too Much Info
I havent posted in a while - I've been in a bit of a funk. Once things calmed here the reality of everything that has happened and what my life is at this stage just crashed down on me. Just felt tired from it all and the thought that because of his age this isnt going to be over for a long time.
Yesterday we had our first family counseling session at rehab. By the end of it i felt like i was the subject of an intervention. I like the counselor a lot - she's very honest and really took up for me a lot as a parent. He was very calm with me and there was no anger or blame towards me so overall I didnt feel attack and that was good. But, the goal at that meeting was for him to come clean with me about what he has done and for me to share about what it was like living with his addiction. I found out more than I ever wanted to know. Counselor said i needed to know everything before he came home. First, he had to go through the list of all the drugs he's ever used - I knew or suspected most of that but didnt really know the extent of his coke use. The time when he was so violent was when he was 14 going on 15 and apparently he was using coke every day. He says if he didnt go to YDC during that time he would most likely have turned to crack or be dead.
He told me the first time he used he was 10 yo. 10?!?!?!?! It just floored me - I think I almost hyperventalited when he said that - how could this kid be using for that long and I never even noticed. I've been walking around the house just saying 10? He then went through it all telling me who he was using with during all those years - how he snuck around getting drugs and using - usually stealing from from other kid's parents or getting it from older siblings. I just felt sick. The last two years he's had so many excuses for using but all of his excuses were things that happened later so now I know for a fact that he wasnt using because of the tragedies in our life - he was using because he wanted to. It was almost easier when i thought that it was because he was hiding from the pain but now i know that its just him.
The other thing that really upset me is that he had a girlfriend when he was 13/14 - I adore this girl - she's still friends with him and is the kind of girl that every mom would love her son to be with. he told me when he broke up with her it was because she made out with another guy. The day he broke up with her she came over and cried so hard because she didnt understand why he was breaking up - I saw her afterwards and we actually cried together. what i found out yesterday is that he actually broke up with her because he couldnt use around her and he was tired of sneaking around. So he came up with this lie to tell me and basically just ruined her reputation so that he could use. It hurt me to know that my son would be so cruel to this lovely girl - that he disregarded her feelings and chose drugs over her.
After this I had to take him to a doc appt to have his regular diabetes checkup and the rehab doc wanted some tests run. Doc said he may have a std but needed to run more tests - yeah even more fun news for mom. Its not like I thought he was a virgin but damn so much for all those safe-sex talks and the boxes of condoms i put in his room. How much do I have to hear? I just want to get away from all of it but i cant and i want to get my own life back but it just feels like this is going to be my life for a while. How much more am I going to have to hear over the next 6 months so that "he" can get better?
Its hard when you have dreams for your children and their choices dont match up to what you thought. I feel in a way that the last couple of weeks i've been in a mourning stage again - not just for him but for my own life. Four years ago I was walking around blind to what was happening in my life, I didnt know yet that my son was diabetic or that he used drugs, I didnt know my husband was going to walk out on me and the kids, i didnt have any clue what was going on in my own life. In all honesty, I miss that time and i miss the family I thought i had. Part of me wishes i could just close my eyes again and not know but there is no going back now. I can only go forward but that's hard too because some days i just cant seem to find the strength to keep putting one foot in front of another. I dont feel strong right now I just feel like an unwilling participant in a tragic comedy.
Yesterday we had our first family counseling session at rehab. By the end of it i felt like i was the subject of an intervention. I like the counselor a lot - she's very honest and really took up for me a lot as a parent. He was very calm with me and there was no anger or blame towards me so overall I didnt feel attack and that was good. But, the goal at that meeting was for him to come clean with me about what he has done and for me to share about what it was like living with his addiction. I found out more than I ever wanted to know. Counselor said i needed to know everything before he came home. First, he had to go through the list of all the drugs he's ever used - I knew or suspected most of that but didnt really know the extent of his coke use. The time when he was so violent was when he was 14 going on 15 and apparently he was using coke every day. He says if he didnt go to YDC during that time he would most likely have turned to crack or be dead.
He told me the first time he used he was 10 yo. 10?!?!?!?! It just floored me - I think I almost hyperventalited when he said that - how could this kid be using for that long and I never even noticed. I've been walking around the house just saying 10? He then went through it all telling me who he was using with during all those years - how he snuck around getting drugs and using - usually stealing from from other kid's parents or getting it from older siblings. I just felt sick. The last two years he's had so many excuses for using but all of his excuses were things that happened later so now I know for a fact that he wasnt using because of the tragedies in our life - he was using because he wanted to. It was almost easier when i thought that it was because he was hiding from the pain but now i know that its just him.
The other thing that really upset me is that he had a girlfriend when he was 13/14 - I adore this girl - she's still friends with him and is the kind of girl that every mom would love her son to be with. he told me when he broke up with her it was because she made out with another guy. The day he broke up with her she came over and cried so hard because she didnt understand why he was breaking up - I saw her afterwards and we actually cried together. what i found out yesterday is that he actually broke up with her because he couldnt use around her and he was tired of sneaking around. So he came up with this lie to tell me and basically just ruined her reputation so that he could use. It hurt me to know that my son would be so cruel to this lovely girl - that he disregarded her feelings and chose drugs over her.
After this I had to take him to a doc appt to have his regular diabetes checkup and the rehab doc wanted some tests run. Doc said he may have a std but needed to run more tests - yeah even more fun news for mom. Its not like I thought he was a virgin but damn so much for all those safe-sex talks and the boxes of condoms i put in his room. How much do I have to hear? I just want to get away from all of it but i cant and i want to get my own life back but it just feels like this is going to be my life for a while. How much more am I going to have to hear over the next 6 months so that "he" can get better?
Its hard when you have dreams for your children and their choices dont match up to what you thought. I feel in a way that the last couple of weeks i've been in a mourning stage again - not just for him but for my own life. Four years ago I was walking around blind to what was happening in my life, I didnt know yet that my son was diabetic or that he used drugs, I didnt know my husband was going to walk out on me and the kids, i didnt have any clue what was going on in my own life. In all honesty, I miss that time and i miss the family I thought i had. Part of me wishes i could just close my eyes again and not know but there is no going back now. I can only go forward but that's hard too because some days i just cant seem to find the strength to keep putting one foot in front of another. I dont feel strong right now I just feel like an unwilling participant in a tragic comedy.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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*wraps Winnie up in a great big hug* Oh honey, there's a saying that when we choose to become mothers it's a choice to forever have our heart walking around outside our chest, and your heart just did some off-road four wheeling down some rough roads. I think that it's good that this is all coming out in the open. It hurts, I can only imagine how much it hurts, but sometimes wounds have to be debrided before they can really heal. Maybe thinking of it in that way will help make some of it easier. To recover, restore, rebuild your relationship with your son all of the ugly, purulent past has to be exposed and removed. You are doing the right thing by going to counseling!
I know that finding out some of the more gory details of my sister's addiction has helped me to pick up some of my pieces and move on. Knowledge is power, and knowing is half the battle.. GI JOE! (Sorry had to insert some humor there) Chin up Winnie, we can't look back at the past with our hindsight glasses and second guess our decisions.
I know that finding out some of the more gory details of my sister's addiction has helped me to pick up some of my pieces and move on. Knowledge is power, and knowing is half the battle.. GI JOE! (Sorry had to insert some humor there) Chin up Winnie, we can't look back at the past with our hindsight glasses and second guess our decisions.
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((((Winnie)))
I understand. I now know more than I ever cared to about my son, addict behavior, drugs and the rest.
I have to really concentrate on the acceptance of my son's disease. A long time ago I accpeted the fact he was an addict, but the ongoing struggle is accepting what that may mean moving forward.
My expectations have been lowered to the point of practically invisible.
Today, I try and keep it to what affects me. I try very hard to enjoy the good, let go of the bad and the past and look forward to a future with bright spots.
But the mourning you feel is natural and needed, I think, to get to the other side.
I promise you there will be bright spots
(((Hugs)))
I understand. I now know more than I ever cared to about my son, addict behavior, drugs and the rest.
I have to really concentrate on the acceptance of my son's disease. A long time ago I accpeted the fact he was an addict, but the ongoing struggle is accepting what that may mean moving forward.
My expectations have been lowered to the point of practically invisible.
Today, I try and keep it to what affects me. I try very hard to enjoy the good, let go of the bad and the past and look forward to a future with bright spots.
But the mourning you feel is natural and needed, I think, to get to the other side.
I promise you there will be bright spots
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Winnie, I was floored at my daughters confessions too. But it's part of recovery. She waited til she got clear across the USA to call me and confess. Your son has come out of his fog, and come clean. But I can understand the grief this has caused you. Now you're sorting through the years and it's causing you pain and grief. We seem to get to us last. This is time for you to heal too.
One day at a time, you will get through this.
Huggs,
NH7
One day at a time, you will get through this.
Huggs,
NH7
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I am going with my gut here.....
What if some of this is fabricated, especially about being ten years old, just to make an impression that he's hard core and/or for the shock value.
It's like his swiping the sunglasses on the way to rehab thing....a warped no lose situation, either he gets the sunglasses or he gets your goat.
Regardless, what you now know is that he, like most, uses drugs because he wants to be high and his brain cannot wrap around the consequences. Being wasted and all the trials and tribulations and perhaps most importantly, the attention, that go along with it, became his identity.
I sincerely hope that the therapists can impress upon him that he has choices
going forward. To paraphrase from something that Anvilhead once posted, he has "so little to give up to gain so much".
What if some of this is fabricated, especially about being ten years old, just to make an impression that he's hard core and/or for the shock value.
It's like his swiping the sunglasses on the way to rehab thing....a warped no lose situation, either he gets the sunglasses or he gets your goat.
Regardless, what you now know is that he, like most, uses drugs because he wants to be high and his brain cannot wrap around the consequences. Being wasted and all the trials and tribulations and perhaps most importantly, the attention, that go along with it, became his identity.
I sincerely hope that the therapists can impress upon him that he has choices
going forward. To paraphrase from something that Anvilhead once posted, he has "so little to give up to gain so much".
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Join Date: May 2008
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Winnie - so sorry you had to hear all of this crap. I found out during the last few years that AH started drugs @ 10. Opium of all things - no easing into it for him. He was hanging around with teens and they thought it was "funny" to see a child high. Not that he got hooked @ that point, but it started then. I also found out the first person that he slept with was his babysitter @ age 12. Nice...
I agree with outtolunch, maybe he was fabricating that age? AH wouldn't have known about drugs without the older crowd. My twins are 8 and I coach alot of 10 year olds in soccer. They're still laughing @ burps and farts and being kids, I highly doubt that they are considering drugs. Though anything is possible I guess.
I'm sorry you heard all of the crap you had to hear. I'm always one to want to know all of the information, but with AH I stopped asking so much because it was more than I wanted to know.
It sounds like your AS is doing very well. I hope you can take the time to get yourself and your household in order. I know that I was NOT prepared for AH to come home so early (discharged 'cause of insurance) and it's probably not the healthiest place to be because I am not in my best state and wasn't prepared for his arrival and had no real boundaries set. Hugs to you, you're a great mom.
I agree with outtolunch, maybe he was fabricating that age? AH wouldn't have known about drugs without the older crowd. My twins are 8 and I coach alot of 10 year olds in soccer. They're still laughing @ burps and farts and being kids, I highly doubt that they are considering drugs. Though anything is possible I guess.
I'm sorry you heard all of the crap you had to hear. I'm always one to want to know all of the information, but with AH I stopped asking so much because it was more than I wanted to know.
It sounds like your AS is doing very well. I hope you can take the time to get yourself and your household in order. I know that I was NOT prepared for AH to come home so early (discharged 'cause of insurance) and it's probably not the healthiest place to be because I am not in my best state and wasn't prepared for his arrival and had no real boundaries set. Hugs to you, you're a great mom.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch 
What if some of this is fabricated, especially about being ten years old, just to make an impression that he's hard core and/or for the shock value.
The details he gave on the first time were entirely possible - he and a neighbor boy stole it from our neighbors bf while i was out of town for a weekend and he was staying with them. i remember that weekend well and even that he called wanting us to come home early - it had struck me as odd at the time because that was very out of character for him.
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I am glad that the coming clean was not a part of my daughter's rehab requirements. She has told me bits and pieces of her life since coming home and each time I hear it it feels somehow dirty to me. I have to fight really hard to not dislike her all over again and to remind myself that what she did was part of her disease. She spent 2+ years with a man almost twice her age and I know it was because he supplied her drugs. It makes me almost sick to my stomach still to think of her with him. I just have to keep reminding myself that if it makes me feel the way it does, it must make her feel worse because she lived it. That is where I try to have compassion for her. I know that she hurts when she tells me things. So I try to remain neutral although it hurts inside. Sending hugs because I know how you are feeling. But it will get better with time. Hugs, Marle
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Winnie,
I am so sorry, I totally understand and I am having my own funk thing going on, so I know just how you feel. Especially about how young they are and how long we are looking at dealing with this, it gets overwhelming. Joey told me that he started using when he was 12. I believe your son did start at 10 he may not have been heavy into it, like using everyday It may have been just experimenting at that time, that lead up to his using all the time. I also understand the wanting to have a reason for his using, the events of the household at the time, OOO I have looked high and low for an excuse for Joey, but there is only one.......He wanted to get high.....no other reason. I wish I had the magic words that you always seem to have for me. One day at a time Winnie, lets just try to stick with today and let tomorrow have it's own problems. It sure feels like a roller coaster ride with our addicts huh? Try to look at the bright side, he sounds like he is working the program and trying to recover that's a good thing. I wish we lived closer, I would take you out for a nice dinner and some well deserved relax time. Hugs, Julie
I am so sorry, I totally understand and I am having my own funk thing going on, so I know just how you feel. Especially about how young they are and how long we are looking at dealing with this, it gets overwhelming. Joey told me that he started using when he was 12. I believe your son did start at 10 he may not have been heavy into it, like using everyday It may have been just experimenting at that time, that lead up to his using all the time. I also understand the wanting to have a reason for his using, the events of the household at the time, OOO I have looked high and low for an excuse for Joey, but there is only one.......He wanted to get high.....no other reason. I wish I had the magic words that you always seem to have for me. One day at a time Winnie, lets just try to stick with today and let tomorrow have it's own problems. It sure feels like a roller coaster ride with our addicts huh? Try to look at the bright side, he sounds like he is working the program and trying to recover that's a good thing. I wish we lived closer, I would take you out for a nice dinner and some well deserved relax time. Hugs, Julie
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Winnie 
I'm sorry you had to hear so much...but it's the reality. At least you can know now that there was nothing you could have done to help him, it was his choice you had nothing to do with it, nor did any family things... no more feeling like you could have done this or that, and wondering if it would have changed something. Honestly, I am happy he came clean with you whether it was forceful or not, sometimes it better to know what's going on instead of wasting energy trying to figure it out. In our web of lies (addicts) you'll go crazy before you figure anything out... I know it sucks now and it's a lot to take in, but this means that he can start working through it and so can you.
I'm sorry you had to hear so much...but it's the reality. At least you can know now that there was nothing you could have done to help him, it was his choice you had nothing to do with it, nor did any family things... no more feeling like you could have done this or that, and wondering if it would have changed something. Honestly, I am happy he came clean with you whether it was forceful or not, sometimes it better to know what's going on instead of wasting energy trying to figure it out. In our web of lies (addicts) you'll go crazy before you figure anything out... I know it sucks now and it's a lot to take in, but this means that he can start working through it and so can you.
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Originally Posted by SpeedyJason
Honestly, I am happy he came clean with you whether it was forceful or not, sometimes it better to know what's going on instead of wasting energy trying to figure it out.
To all - thank you - I know there's no words to just fix all of this - just something i'll need to get through. HP's looking out for me and gave me a beautiful day outside - 70 degrees and wonderful - that helps a lot just to see the sun shining.
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Is it necessary for loved ones to know everything? This is something I struggle with my AS in in rehab and should be home end of April. He has not come clean with us about exactly what he has done. Is it a necessary part of their recovery to know all and if he doesn't choose to share will that mean his recovery is less than complete?
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dorton, I really dont know the answer to that. I think in my son's case because he's only 16 and will be home they felt I should know and he does have serious issues with honesty so this is what they felt was right for him. It is addressed in the 12 steps to admit the exact nature of our wrongs - i just didnt expect that it would be me that he would admit them to. it is also possible that this was his decision to come clean with me. but as far as whether its done with all i dont know. I know he said he really wants to work on our relationship so possible this was decided in his private sessions to do this in an effort to move forward.
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(((Winnie)))
awww, sweetie, I'm sorry because I know this just hurts your mama heart. I saw the look in my dad's face when he found out certain things about me. It took a while for him to get through the anger and pain, but he did.
Thanks for the reminder of why I never want to put my loved ones through this again.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
awww, sweetie, I'm sorry because I know this just hurts your mama heart. I saw the look in my dad's face when he found out certain things about me. It took a while for him to get through the anger and pain, but he did.
Thanks for the reminder of why I never want to put my loved ones through this again.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Winnie,
I had some similar experiences to yours. My marriage broke up about 5-6 years ago (exAH-alcoholic) and my son has been addictive since his teens (now 25) and it has all been so very draining. Especially the "giving up the dream" I had for my son of attending college, finding a great girl, settling down and having a family. All that I've had to let go of, plus ask him to leave and let him sink or swim on his own. It's a sadness, Winnie, a grieving process we must go through, much like the death of a loved one. You will be okay, sister. Just give yourself the permission to grieve and work towards acceptance. It sounds like you are still able to love your addict, just not his actions. But I know what it feels like to not really like them all that much. What a strange place for a mother to find herself after all those years of loving them so very much and protecting them so fiercely. I never knew it could turn out this way. I no longer feel cheated by it or embarrassed by it, though, Winnie. I guess I've reached detachment. I'll say a prayer for your healing tonight, Winnie.
I had some similar experiences to yours. My marriage broke up about 5-6 years ago (exAH-alcoholic) and my son has been addictive since his teens (now 25) and it has all been so very draining. Especially the "giving up the dream" I had for my son of attending college, finding a great girl, settling down and having a family. All that I've had to let go of, plus ask him to leave and let him sink or swim on his own. It's a sadness, Winnie, a grieving process we must go through, much like the death of a loved one. You will be okay, sister. Just give yourself the permission to grieve and work towards acceptance. It sounds like you are still able to love your addict, just not his actions. But I know what it feels like to not really like them all that much. What a strange place for a mother to find herself after all those years of loving them so very much and protecting them so fiercely. I never knew it could turn out this way. I no longer feel cheated by it or embarrassed by it, though, Winnie. I guess I've reached detachment. I'll say a prayer for your healing tonight, Winnie.
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Your story is so touching. How old is your son (sorry Im new to the friends and family board)? It is sickening if he really did use drugs at 10. I mean it had to have warped him because a 10 year old cannot handle adult behaviors. What other drugs has he used?
These are all stepping stones. Your family will get to where it needs to be. If your son is being honest with you--even if its things you dont want to hear-- its a good start. Is he still using?
If he has quit, then as a family I suggest trying to move forward by creating a new life. You need a fresh start as well. New hobbies, new environment. Your son needs to be reminded that even though you are angry, you will always love him.
Tough love is tough for a reason. Because its tough on the child and even tougher on the parent. But it works. It will either make or break your son and I would highly reccommend this for him. The key is, sticking with it and being consistant.
The only thing that bothered me about your post (and this is just my opinion) is the buying condoms thing. That is a form of enablement. I have heard parents say "i cant stop them so I might as well make sure they are protected". Well they can buy their own condoms and if theyre smart, they will. Teaching the importance of abstainence is key. Buying condoms, to me makes kids think that its ok and gives them the freedom to do it without guilt. I was very motivated by guilt and waited until I met my (now) husband to have sex.
If there is any way--assuming you havent already-- I highly recommend incorporating religion into your parenting. Its never too late and so important to raise a kid with morals. Good luck, youre on the right track.
These are all stepping stones. Your family will get to where it needs to be. If your son is being honest with you--even if its things you dont want to hear-- its a good start. Is he still using?
If he has quit, then as a family I suggest trying to move forward by creating a new life. You need a fresh start as well. New hobbies, new environment. Your son needs to be reminded that even though you are angry, you will always love him.
Tough love is tough for a reason. Because its tough on the child and even tougher on the parent. But it works. It will either make or break your son and I would highly reccommend this for him. The key is, sticking with it and being consistant.
The only thing that bothered me about your post (and this is just my opinion) is the buying condoms thing. That is a form of enablement. I have heard parents say "i cant stop them so I might as well make sure they are protected". Well they can buy their own condoms and if theyre smart, they will. Teaching the importance of abstainence is key. Buying condoms, to me makes kids think that its ok and gives them the freedom to do it without guilt. I was very motivated by guilt and waited until I met my (now) husband to have sex.
If there is any way--assuming you havent already-- I highly recommend incorporating religion into your parenting. Its never too late and so important to raise a kid with morals. Good luck, youre on the right track.
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