Hopeless82

I sat here and read so many stories of people who have been living with this for years and I wonder what in the world I am thinking. I have been dating a girl for about 8 months. I am crazy about this girl. I am 26, divorced full time single father with 3 kids, and she is 30, divorced single mother with 3 kids half the time. We are simply amazing together!! Except when she drinks. When we first met she appeared to only go out on the weekends, which was ok by me because I liked to go shoot pool also. As we became closer together it became more and more clear she has an alcohol problem. She is very logical about things, so I brought up a website that shows all the excuses alcoholics use and let her read them, and was baffled by how she didn't understand they pertain to her. She drinks about 5 out of 7 days, at the very least 8 beers. I tried to be understanding with it and watch her hurt herself until one night she got so drunk and depressed that she slit her wrists and ended up in the hospital, i thought for sure that would open her eyes, but a week later she was lying to me about where she was at and was out drinking. She is a pretty crappy liar so I always find out...

Now I have managed to get some steps. She is awaiting funding assistance to enter counseling for her problem. And I feel bad because she has lived through a lot of abuse both sexually and physically even up to her last marriage to include being raped because she got to drunk at a bar 2 years ago. I mean what more of an eye opener can she get? Or me for that matter that she is addicted...

Tonight she got drunk and started going on a rant about love and how love should make people do things for other people then themselves. I made the mistake and asked if she loved me, and that if she did she would just pour her last beer out to let me know I am at least worth that. I lost that battle, and she through the beer across the room, and then went to get it and while it sprayed all over her proceeded to drink it. In a fit of frustration I picked the beer up when she set it down and poured it all over myself, just so she could understand how worthless she makes me feel.

I am a very level headed person most of the time, I mean I thrive in the world of logic... so why can I not leave? I just don't understand how I am suppose to watch her destroy herself and wait patiently. However I love her to death and don't want to leave her... I feel like if I wait to long she'll get drunk in some bar and have some guys rape her again, or kill herself driving drunk. Am I an idiot for staying in this relationship? What the hell is wrong with me =\

Thanks for reading my rant... it actually felt pretty good to get that out. I've never been quite so honest about it before.

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Keep reading here, you could start with the stickies at the top of this forum. Do enough reading, you'll see your story told over and over again, and you're not stupid.

Hopeless82

Yes but they all end so sadly =\

catlovermi

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I have to say it the way it is. If you could hear me, you would hear a loving tone.

They all sound so sad for a reason.

There are patterns to this wicked beast we call addiction.
Few people escape it (read some statistics, and do not allow yourself magical thinking that your situation is "different" or your relationship is "special" because that's all it is, magical thinking), but those who do become willing to give up absolutely everything of their own ideas and embrace anything they are told by those who have managed addiction and achieved long-term sobriety have a chance at living clean and sober. Anything less, and it doesn't work. Most people go down with the ship, and suck loved ones around them into the wake.

The ONLY one who has any effect on whether the addict achieves sobriety IS THE ADDICT. The people who can help them do this best are other recovering addicts in a structured recovery program, who know the ins and outs of the disease from the inside, and how they dealt with it. The equation is stunningly simple: When the pain of using the substance exceeds the pain of embracing recovery, then and only then will they consider stopping. Some never do. Many do, but can't succeed, because they want to do it their way. This is the mental part of the disease - that it lies to the addict continually about such things. That they can moderate, or do it their way, or re-invent the wheel.

And a smart, logical addict is the most self-deceiving kind, and the kind who will keep you hooked, and enabling, until you are sucked dry and train-wrecked, and your kids are left in emotional instability and chaos, trying to survive a tsunami. And any amount of dramatic language I use here isn't enough to describe the reality that is life with an active addict/alkie. And remember, unless they fully embrace recovery for sobriety, it will ALWAYS progress and get worse.

We see posts like yours and want to scream warnings, and tell you what to do, based on our experience, but we want to give you the dignity of your own decisions.

But when we suggest you read around the boards and stickys, it's not an idle suggestion. You have three children at stake here. Read around the Adult Children of Alcoholics boards to see the damage that being raised around an alcoholic does. Most of those kids take well into mid-life and much professional help to heal the damage done by growing up near alcoholism. This is life-changing stuff, for kids involved, especially when it's OPTIONAL, which it is for your kids. This is not their biological mother.

I know you love her, but EVERY PERSON on this board LOVES their addict/alcoholic. So read their stories, and decide what sort of life you want to CHOOSE to live, and what sort of childhood you want your kids to remember. The choices are hard, but the consequences of living with active addiction are ever so much harder, believe us.

The great news is, regardless of what choices she makes in her life, you also have choices, in how you live your life. YOUR life can have a peaceful, serene, happy ending. Your kids can enjoy stability, and security, and laughter. You just need to focus on your own life, and your kids'. There are groups such as Alanon (free) that provide local support, and Alateen. You will learn tools and strategies, and how to manage your decisions.

Sending encouragement. You did a great, great thing to find this board, and educate yourself for your decisions ahead.

CLMI

Seren

No, actually, some end just fine.....There may be happiness in the recovery of the loved one, there may be happiness in reclaiming one's own life from addiction, there may be happiness in setting boundaries with the addict in one's life and finding peace again.

I'm sorry to hear about what you have been experiencing. Only you can decide whether or not a life with this woman is worth your happiness and peace. Plus you might want to consider what your children are experiencing when they are around this woman.

Hugs to you and your children. HG

GiveLove

Do you prefer a temporarily painful reality, or a long-term, agonizing fantasy world? I'm sorry to put it that way, but a lot of sad things happen in this corner of the world until we're willing to say "enough." If it were just you, that would be bad enough, but your kids have no say in this -- you also have to make protective decisions for them.

Your choice, at this point, appears to be to either

a) learn about setting boundaries and put one in place. One example might be that she must get help (and by the way, AA is free and available everywhere), giving a time limit and specifics, or you'll be forced to protect yourself by cutting things off. There's a right and a wrong way to do this -- Al-Anon was priceless for me in learning about boundaries.

or

b) Realize that she is going to bring an enormous amount of suffering into your life and the lives of your kids, and make the hard decision to protect yourselves. As their disease progresses, it is very common for alcoholics to get into accidents, lose their license and become dependent, lose jobs, get very sick very often, suffer from chronic depression, suffer sexual assaults or at the very least multiple infidelities, and generally wreak havoc on themselves and the people around them.

You also have to think about your role in this, why you're willing to put up with so much damaging drama. Did you have a lot of high drama in your life when you were younger? Does anything about this seem "normal" to you? Do you have tendencies to rescue people? I know that counseling helped me to get at the core of why I was attracting people like this into my life.

Wishing you luck. You're not an idiot -- you're just doing a lot of wishful thinking right now.

prodigal

This really rang a bell for me. Please get a copy of Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie. I was thumbing through the books trying to find the story in which she set up a scenario to look as if she had returned to her coke habit. Her bf was active in his addiction and it was driving her NUTS. Before he came home, she laid out a mirror with a line of sugar on it, and grabbed a straw. When her bf came home to find what appeared to be a coke-snorting session going on, she jumped up from the couch and screamed, "Now do you see what your addiction is doing to me?"

Some people here use the label "codependent" while others prefer not to. Regardless, I think both books will help you begin to see your role in this relationship.

I think you will also begin to understand why you poured a beer over yourself.

Hopeless82

Well I checked out three books from the library yesterday about setting boundaries. I set up a variety of boundaries to include she will drink alone and not with me, as well as alerting her that if she progresses worse I will leave her, and I even described to her where her present state was so this was not open to negotiation. I told her I accept I have not handled this correctly but that is ok because most people don't. There was more but I have to run to work.

She was angry at first and gave me the silent treatment. However I had some things I accepted that I didn't tell her because I knew it would make her defensive (kinda like a self contract) and one of the things I accept is that she will try to manipulate me. I ignored her passive aggressive treatment for over an hour, and then she came in and hugged me and said she agreed. She said she would try very hard to get better (I know cliche) but she has currently had her D&A Evaluation so I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt, though putting in solid place these strict boundaries that she has agreed too. I told her once in treatment I must see things getting better over a period of time or I would also leave her.
We are looking for things to do this weekend that will not involve going to a bar and shooting pool (I like pool she likes drinking and pool). Any ideas?

Thanks to all of you, your words really woke me up and I appreciate everything you all have done. I have also scheduled a Mental Health evaluation for myself to deal with my own issues and keep myself healthy.

Barbara52

It can seem that way when this place is a major source of information. But remember those who post here are right in the middle of dealing with their situation. Those who have worked things thru, who have found a way to live successfully with a RA have less need to post in a place like this. They are busy livign life without the pain and drama.

I know of people who have successfully fought their demons and won. I know successful RAs who are wonderful people. I know people who have found ways to live with their A and be satisfied with their life. It does happen but this is not a place you will see a whole lot of those stories.

silkspin

Hi Hopeless and welcome. You will get lots of great advice here, keep coming back. I read your posts and happy to see that you are making some progress. Have you tried Al Anon? It think it would really help you - good support and guidance to help you address your role, set boundaries and vent when needed! It's really proven invaluable as I realized after I went, how poorly equipped I'd truly been to cope with my AH's drinking.

Just a cautionary note on your thought above; although it may be innocent, please be careful of trying to help distract her from drinking activities. It is not your responsibility to keep her from doing her usual thing. This is a common thing for us codies to do - keep vigil over the drinker so that they aren't tempted.

MayaandMe

Hi,
Although many people here end up separating from their A, their stories do not end there, they may or may not have sad endings. I think many people go on to live much healthier, happier lives without the A. The parting may be sorrowful, but what the future holds is powerful.
Take your time and take care of yourself and your kids.

atalose

Hopeless82 Welcome glad you found SR,

No you are not an idiot, you sound like a very caring and loving man who deserves the same in return. I think many of us here have made poor choices with partners because we don’t know what a healthy relationship is really all about. We have an idea of what we want, love, we just seem to pick partners that are unable to truly provide that healthy loving, caring, sharing and giving relationship. We pick partners that numb their feelings with substances rather then share them with us. We pick partners who use substances to address issues and problems rather then face them. We pick partners who feel so broken inside; they just don’t have that love we seek for them let alone us. We pick partners who are good people that make poor choices when using substances. We spend a good amount of time attempting to change these people into what we think they can be when they themselves can’t or don’t feel that for themselves.

Healthy people can recognize red flags with other people and relationships, we (codependents) don’t see those flags, we ignore them or excuse them away. When we begin to understand un-healthy behaviors and accept that we cannot change someone else no matter how much we love them or how much love we have to offer them, we begin to make healthier choices for ourselves.

If you were my son I’d tell you, I think you have admirable qualities with your kindness and compassion for her, yet the reality is, you are a single dad with 3 children and you must put their needs before your own. I’m not saying you don’t deserve to be happy or have a life of your own, certainly you do, just not this life with this woman. It sounds like you have been through allot already being a single dad at a young age, you deserve happiness in your life, you and your children deserve stability, something you are never going to find with an alcoholic unless you are willing to surrender so much of yourself you go numb and none of the drama or chaos bother you.

Keep focusing on you and your wants and needs that you may never fully get from this person.

Hopeless82

Just thought I'd update. I set boundaries with her, and she did well for a while. Then she got really nasty the other day, and I finally walked. It's breaking my heart, but I know it's for the best. She is telling me she is going to stop and do an inpatient program, but I think I'm done for good. I miss her so much though =\

GiveLove

Hopeless, I'm so sorry it came to that, but I'm glad you've decided you've suffered enough. She's gonna do what she's gonna do....it's her life.

I know you must miss the good parts of your relationship. The way I had to look at it was this: The things I miss (the connection, the laughter, etc.) are my compass to what I deeply want & need out of a relationship. I had to use that compass to find the same things, but in a healthy person. Journaling about it helped, and talking to a counselor about "fixing my broken relationship picker" helped a lot too.

It was hard to get through the first few weeks and stick to my guns, but I did, and amazing things started coming into my life not much later. I hope the same for you.

Hugs to your & your kids :ghug3

In a Tailspin

Good for you in choosing what is best for YOU (and your kids)!! I know it is so hard right now. I am a month and a half out of a 3-year relationship with my AXBF. His DOC is Oxycontin. I stayed longer than I should have for a few reasons. One was that I was convinced he was going to "beat this thing" and wouldn't I feel terrible if after all that time with him I left just as he was about to be "all better"? Kept thinking that pot of gold was just around the corner. I also have a tendency to think that I've invested so much time, and I love him, don't want to be to hasty in throwing it away. But mostly I stayed because I was worried about what the end of our relationship would do to HIM. Not sure why I never before worried about what staying in the relationship was doing to ME. I knew after his divorce he had been suicidal, he was (and still is) currently unemployed and living with me, he had nearly overdosed twice in the last 6 months (that I know of) - once on purpose and once not.


A week after we broke up he was back at the doctor's office getting back on the pills he had tried so hard to kick. Now I hear he is spiralling quite quickly.......smoking his pills, going to ERs and free clinics to get more when he runs out. Forget the fact that he's on a usage contract with his pain management doctor because they know he's an addict. But amidst all his craziness, it's so nice to go to work and not worry about what's going on in my home while I'm gone (sometimes for days at a time on short notice). I don't wake up bracing for the first fight of the day, wondering what he'll find to be mad at me about now (as if any of this is my doing!!) Not having to constantly check my bank accounts to make sure he hasn't broke into them (again).

I'm living MY life for ME and it feels great! I've gone to the gym a couple of times and have made eye, dentist, and counseling appointments all in the next week. I'm still going to my alanon meetings, and it's nice to cry for good reasons instead of bad ones!! I have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. I'm no longer too depressed to put on make-up or do my hair. (I'm so sick of baseball caps!!) I'm finding me again and realizing that I kind of LIKE me. I wish the same for you. There will be moments of sadness......grieving what you had thought and hoped this relationship would grow into.........but feel it and then let it go. It's normal, and it's healthy.

Once again, congratulations............you have saved yourself and your kids much future heartache..............just stick to your guns. The begging and false promises are probably not over just yet.

Hopeless82

Thanks all! =) You know as much as I miss her, I don't miss the walking on egg shells because I didn't want to upset her and make her drink. I don't miss the wondering of if she was gonna come home drunk or not, sometimes at 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I don't miss her keeping me up until 3am because she wanted to talk while she drank about her problems when I had to get up and get me and my kids ready for work/school at 5:30 in the morning just because she didn't have to be up until 9am. I don't miss having to check around the side of the house or in the closet for beer. I really don't miss her spending $100 in one night of drinking that caused me to have to buy groceries or pay part of her rent because the kids need to eat. I don't miss having beers thrown at me, or this magical selective memory that forgot she was clawing at or kicking me because she thought I had hid her beer in the middle of the night and when I pinned her down to defend myself she turned ME into the bad guy because she couldn't remember attacking me, just me defending myself. I don't miss it at all!!!

I might miss the person that was there and sober 50% of the time, but I don't miss the drunk... that's for sure. I have my first counseling appointment on the 24th. Time to focus on ME! =)

catlovermi

You've given your kids and INCREDIBLE gift of a peaceful life, free from the insanity of living with this. They will gripe and groan in normal ways as they grow up, but never realize what could have been - how much worse and unstable.

The value, in three lives that you are bound to for your lifespan, is incalculable.



CLMI

prodigal

I understand your pain, but this part of your post really struck me. Although you may miss the "sober" her, look at what she is willing to do in order to continue in her addiction.

The only innocent victims in this world are children and animals. You have just seen the damage that can be inflicted upon the innocent, courtesy of an addict.

Don't hate her for it; she is doing what addicts do. But cut your losses. This is not the sort of person you need in your life. Ever. Period.

Hopeless82

Since you have all helped me along this far I would like to give you another update and get feedback.

So I am still separated from her. It's been hard and I did almost take her back. She went an entire week without drinking, wrote me letters and emails everyday about how she is altering her life and trying to focus herself back towards God. After that week I started to get convinced she was serious about it. However, on the 7th day she didn't rest, she drank. She was suppose to come over and bring me something and stayed late at work (she is a bartender and gets off around 10:30pm. She claims she wants to quit the job but nothing is out there right now and it's good money... I can't argue with that logic but I wish she would find a way). Then she had one beer before closing down, that one beer turned into 2. I tried to call her and she answered and I asked if she was coming over. She said no she was tired but I could tell something was going on so I asked and she admitted she was going out to the bar, and that she would have come over had she gotten off earlier. That made no logical sense because she was going out to the bar, not home. I told her as much, and wham she got defensive and hung up. I asked her later if she was going to bring anything by and if she was at least ok, but she wouldn't call me back all night... I discovered she stayed out until closing time.

Needless to say I reestablished my independence. I only have one question... she has been making it longer and longer without a drink. I wondered about what if she could go an entire month without drinking and was actually off of alcohol. Would I be a fool to slowly see how things work at that time. And I mean extremely slowly... I don't mean to hold my life up until that point, I plan to move on and work on mine and my kids lives but I also don't plan to run into another relationship either. So there is that chance. Should I just worry about that when it happens and ignore the thought until then? Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

TakingCharge999

Hi Hopeless, I am sure others will come with their wisdom. I just wanted to tell you that a week or a month or even a year does not demonstrate anything. Sadly, many of us know those are just ploys alcoholism has to bring the enablers back.

I say live each day as it comes, continue focusing on you and the children. If she is ever serious about becoming a responsible adult/mother, she will prove it with her actions and consistent behaviour. If there is no sound, and you can only see what she does, NOT what she says... what do you see? That is the truth.

Not sure if you have read this sticky

Alcoholism is a tragic three act play in which there are at least 4 characters
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Alcoholism is a tragic three act play in which there are at least 4 characters #1)

Not sure if the link above is correct.. here is the URL
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html


Sending hugs!!