Parenting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
Parenting
Hi,
I am dealing with some new feelings these days. My exABF has been out of our house for 3 months. We have a 2yr. old and have a visitation schedule. He only sees her once a week, but has often missed or been unavailable during that time.
Right now I am feeling a really strong desire to call him and let him know what I think about his "parenting". I know that is going to be a bad move, so I am posting here instead.
I know that I will just try to guilt or shame him into doing what I think is right or what I think a "good" father will do. I do not want to have to convince him to be a responsible father. It is really hard for me to accept who he is as a father to my daughter right now.
Anyone dealt with anything similar? Thanks for being here, I appreciate it.
I am dealing with some new feelings these days. My exABF has been out of our house for 3 months. We have a 2yr. old and have a visitation schedule. He only sees her once a week, but has often missed or been unavailable during that time.
Right now I am feeling a really strong desire to call him and let him know what I think about his "parenting". I know that is going to be a bad move, so I am posting here instead.
I know that I will just try to guilt or shame him into doing what I think is right or what I think a "good" father will do. I do not want to have to convince him to be a responsible father. It is really hard for me to accept who he is as a father to my daughter right now.
Anyone dealt with anything similar? Thanks for being here, I appreciate it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Unfortunately, you are as powerless over his parenting skills (or lack thereof) as you are over anything else. The best you can do is be a great mom to your daughter. And, as difficult as it can be at times, it's best to never talk bad about him to your daughter. I was a divorced single mom, and then married a man with kids and became step mom, so I have experience on both sides of this. Children learn very early on who is the stable and dependable parent and who isn't, but they still want to love the other parent.
It's a good sign of your recovery that you brought your frustrations here. Trust me, I know it isn't easy.
Cats
It's a good sign of your recovery that you brought your frustrations here. Trust me, I know it isn't easy.
Cats
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
My exH was very lax and irresponsible and inconsistent in spending time with his sons - to the point of moving out of the country for 6 years and barely seeing them or writing to them or even phoning consistently etc.
Oh man that used to pi*s me off something fierce! I wanted to, on many occasions, let him have it.
I admit I occasionally let a toad or two slip out directed at him, but over time and with therapy I worked on my hardest thing: acceptance. And as Cats said I never bad mouth him to the kids. That's been my golden rule.
Once I accepted him just the way he really is - I began to see it as a blessing - how do I know it isn't better for my kids that he wasn't around, with his bad habits of mind and attitude rubbing off on them?
You sound like you're doing well!!! Keep the focus on your own problems and on your baby's joyful life and leave him and his shortcomings to his HP.
peace,
b
Oh man that used to pi*s me off something fierce! I wanted to, on many occasions, let him have it.
I admit I occasionally let a toad or two slip out directed at him, but over time and with therapy I worked on my hardest thing: acceptance. And as Cats said I never bad mouth him to the kids. That's been my golden rule.
Once I accepted him just the way he really is - I began to see it as a blessing - how do I know it isn't better for my kids that he wasn't around, with his bad habits of mind and attitude rubbing off on them?
You sound like you're doing well!!! Keep the focus on your own problems and on your baby's joyful life and leave him and his shortcomings to his HP.
peace,
b
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
What a blessing that my still very active alcoholic xw decided to move 4 hours away to continue her drinking career. As opposed to say, staying here in this town to continually stir up sh!t for dd and myself to deal with.
I am very grateful to her for that.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. My daughter essentially has no mother now. Perhaps she will pick one of her own choosing down the road. She certainly won't do any worse than I did.
BTW I have appoligized to dd and taken full responsibility for my poor judgment.
I am very grateful to her for that.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. My daughter essentially has no mother now. Perhaps she will pick one of her own choosing down the road. She certainly won't do any worse than I did.
BTW I have appoligized to dd and taken full responsibility for my poor judgment.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Coyote,
My sister and I found "mother figures" in the healthy wives of my Dad's friends and our peers' moms. Then, there were the bevy of girlfriends. Suzy and I can spot an insincere predatorial manhunter a mile away as a result of this. Through this, we both developed very loving and warm realtionships with several women whom we still stay in contact with. Mine is Jean. She is my "surrogate mother or godmother" as she prefers to be called. It it much easier to explain than, former law student with my dad in school and they both divorced "sick" spouses around the same time and dated briefly. Then raised their similar aged children in sync even though they were just friends. Complicated, huh. Jean is for all intents and purposes the only mother I have ever really known. Mine was not well and had her great moments, but I value the external family of mothers we created.
My sister and I found "mother figures" in the healthy wives of my Dad's friends and our peers' moms. Then, there were the bevy of girlfriends. Suzy and I can spot an insincere predatorial manhunter a mile away as a result of this. Through this, we both developed very loving and warm realtionships with several women whom we still stay in contact with. Mine is Jean. She is my "surrogate mother or godmother" as she prefers to be called. It it much easier to explain than, former law student with my dad in school and they both divorced "sick" spouses around the same time and dated briefly. Then raised their similar aged children in sync even though they were just friends. Complicated, huh. Jean is for all intents and purposes the only mother I have ever really known. Mine was not well and had her great moments, but I value the external family of mothers we created.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
I value the external family of mothers we created.
Aw thank you MissFixit, what a kind thing to say. I was lamenting this topic in an Alanon meeting and another kind woman said a very similar thing, that dd would pick her own mom eventually.
But it's very reassuring to hear first hand experience. Thank you again.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Aw thank you MissFixit, what a kind thing to say. I was lamenting this topic in an Alanon meeting and another kind woman said a very similar thing, that dd would pick her own mom eventually.
But it's very reassuring to hear first hand experience. Thank you again.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It is tough to have a child where a father isn't present, no matter what the reason.
I was especially angry for a long time when my youngest daughter's father opted to be an absentee parent, and he was already in AA and around 12 years sober when she was born.
To make a long story short, I learned to let go and accept that it was what it was. What you have already been told about not ever speaking poorly of him in front of your child is so very important. It was also important for me to focus on the blessings I did have in my life, this precious baby that God had given to me, to raise the best that I could.
That 'baby' is going to be 21 years old this June. She knows which parent has been there through the best and worst of it all with her.
I'm really glad you decided to post here and get your feelings out! :ghug :ghug
I was especially angry for a long time when my youngest daughter's father opted to be an absentee parent, and he was already in AA and around 12 years sober when she was born.
To make a long story short, I learned to let go and accept that it was what it was. What you have already been told about not ever speaking poorly of him in front of your child is so very important. It was also important for me to focus on the blessings I did have in my life, this precious baby that God had given to me, to raise the best that I could.
That 'baby' is going to be 21 years old this June. She knows which parent has been there through the best and worst of it all with her.
I'm really glad you decided to post here and get your feelings out! :ghug :ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
Thanks everyone!
I think sometimes I get stuck in the "fantasy" where I can make everything work out just the way I think is best, and that by wanting something enough I can bully it into happening.
My father was an alcoholic/addict until I was about 10yrs old. I was very much replaying what happened during my childhood by choosing my ex as a partner, but I am making a few changes. My father had custody of us every other weekend, and we witnessed and participated in a lot of crazy-making and unhealthy behaviors. I need to remember and learn from those experiences.
I am thankful today that I am aware of what could happen if my daughter's father is in active addiction and involved in her life.
I think sometimes I get stuck in the "fantasy" where I can make everything work out just the way I think is best, and that by wanting something enough I can bully it into happening.
My father was an alcoholic/addict until I was about 10yrs old. I was very much replaying what happened during my childhood by choosing my ex as a partner, but I am making a few changes. My father had custody of us every other weekend, and we witnessed and participated in a lot of crazy-making and unhealthy behaviors. I need to remember and learn from those experiences.
I am thankful today that I am aware of what could happen if my daughter's father is in active addiction and involved in her life.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Maya,
You sound like a good mom. IMO, you cannot force/coerce/guilt someone (especially a sick person) to "be a good/responsible" parent. It didn't work in my family with years of family an individual counseling for my mother. She chose what she chose, and it was not us. She was sick, but still had the choice to seek treatment and take medication. She chose not to follow through with this and the result was us living with my father full time and having supervised visits with my mom.
It is confusing for a child, but it becomes second nature if they experience this from a young enough age (my younger sister knew nothing else so was always okay with it).
You are doing the best you can and that is admirable. However, you cannot make your ex be a better parent if he doesn't want to. You can have other options like limited time with him and finding healthy and positive male role models for your child to be around.
****One word of caution. Please be careful about introducing men who come in and out of your child's life. This is another issue unto itself, but can do harm for later down the road.
Do you have good stable freinds or brothers?
You sound like a good mom. IMO, you cannot force/coerce/guilt someone (especially a sick person) to "be a good/responsible" parent. It didn't work in my family with years of family an individual counseling for my mother. She chose what she chose, and it was not us. She was sick, but still had the choice to seek treatment and take medication. She chose not to follow through with this and the result was us living with my father full time and having supervised visits with my mom.
It is confusing for a child, but it becomes second nature if they experience this from a young enough age (my younger sister knew nothing else so was always okay with it).
You are doing the best you can and that is admirable. However, you cannot make your ex be a better parent if he doesn't want to. You can have other options like limited time with him and finding healthy and positive male role models for your child to be around.
****One word of caution. Please be careful about introducing men who come in and out of your child's life. This is another issue unto itself, but can do harm for later down the road.
Do you have good stable freinds or brothers?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
I need to be careful what I ask for. Last night, my daughter's father texted me saying that he has finally recovered his "lost while drunk" cell phone. He also asked me if he could pick up my daughter on Weds. Now, he has a scheduled visit for Sunday afternoons which has frequently missed, Wednesdays I work and I don't feel comfortable that he will take her somewhere and that I will not know what they are up to or where. Am I trying to control the situation too much?
I responded to him that he already agreed on Sundays and that on Sunday I will drop her off at his mom's. He responded that I was trying to get revenge on him by keeping her away from him.
I am trying not to bite, to not get involved in the conversation, although I am fighting it out with him in my head. In the end what he says and what he thinks about what I do is not what is important, I do not have to convince him that I am a good parent.
My first reaction is still to get involved in the drama, to feel the adrenaline and go with it. Thankfully, I can now slow down to think some. I think I will just keep being consistent that his visits are Sundays and that I will drop her off at his mom's, he can take it or leave it.
MissFixIt- I do not really have any male friends, I have isolated a lot in this relationship and am just now getting back out in the world. My father and step father are good people to have in my daughter's life. Thanks for giving something to think about.
I responded to him that he already agreed on Sundays and that on Sunday I will drop her off at his mom's. He responded that I was trying to get revenge on him by keeping her away from him.
I am trying not to bite, to not get involved in the conversation, although I am fighting it out with him in my head. In the end what he says and what he thinks about what I do is not what is important, I do not have to convince him that I am a good parent.
My first reaction is still to get involved in the drama, to feel the adrenaline and go with it. Thankfully, I can now slow down to think some. I think I will just keep being consistent that his visits are Sundays and that I will drop her off at his mom's, he can take it or leave it.
MissFixIt- I do not really have any male friends, I have isolated a lot in this relationship and am just now getting back out in the world. My father and step father are good people to have in my daughter's life. Thanks for giving something to think about.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Do you have a separation agreement and finalized divorce? I do and I follow the separation agreement to the letter. That stops all manipulation from him because he agreed to the agreement and it is a legal document.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
god this thread gives me no hope that my stbxah will ever be a good father to my son, it makes me so mad that he wont stand up and be the father he is suppose to beo
so even with court ordered visitations that he may get , it still wont make him be a father, can you take them back to court for full custody if they rarely show up for their visitations?
so even with court ordered visitations that he may get , it still wont make him be a father, can you take them back to court for full custody if they rarely show up for their visitations?
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