krhea75

So my 18-year-old AS got out of jail Jan. 2 for probation violation. I let him move back home with me until he saved enough money for his own place. Almost 3 months have gone and no money is saved. I don't think he is using ( he passed a drug test) but he never has money...so I'm thinking he's drinking it away. He is holding down the same fast food job he has had for about a year. My house phone went out, so I let him borrow my cell one day and when I wanted it back, he acted like he couldn't find it. So I told him that was it. He needed to move out.

He is now at his dad's. I have kicked him out before and it was no easier this time. Sometimes I think I'm going to go crazy, seriously. Last night he spent the night again (couldn't get a ride) so I let him stay. At 5:00 in the morning I heard him throwing up. He said it was because of his heartburn. I am not that naive. He is gone now. We had another argument. I am just so tired of his drama. I told him he needs to get his own place and a car before I will help him with school.

So am I still enabling? I 'm trying so hard not to but I'm so enmeshed in it I can't see straight.
krhea

sojourner

Yes dear, you are enabling. But you are getting stronger in it all. Take it from this old pro, when we ask these addicts to leave, they find new ways to get us to enable - even if it is just for a night, just for a meal, just let me keep my stuff here for a while, just loan me money for a haircut til Friday, just, just, just.

Don't beat yourself up, but please learn from it. You're starting the detachment-with-love at a pretty early age for your son - good for you! You're giving him, you, and the rest of your family the best gift possible. It just doesn't look like it just yet.

Addiction is cunning and devious - but, by the time this phase of your life is over, you'll spot addict behavior a mile away and know immediately how to respond to it because of the hard work you're doing for yourself right now.

BTW, alcohol is a drug. If you think your son is drinking, that means he is back to using.

Hugs to you..............

marle

Yup but we have all done it until we reach a point where we say no more (and then sometimes the old enabling will sneak in because they are clean and doing so well) I know that this is hard for you. I asked my daughter to leave last October when she got drunk and broke my boundary of no drinking, no using. She has had her own place since then, is paying her own bills and making her own decisions. We get along really well now because the enmeshment is getting less and less and I don't have to know what she is or is not doing. She continues to go to 3 or so meeting a week and seems to have gotten past the need to drink. After all it is expensive and she does not have the money for it. So cut the apron strings and let him figure it out for himself. If you continue to enable, it will just take him longer to grow up and take responsibility for himself. Sending hugs, Marle

Troubledone

I agree with sojourner - don't beat yourself up. Codependence from my experience is just as cunning a "disease" as addiction. And it is just as hard to recover from.

Do you go to nar-anon family group or al-anon family meetings. If not, they can help.

My niece fooled me for over a year, as well as her probation officer all the while dropping several UA's a week. She figured out the system. Eventually she got caught, but I was stunned at how long we were fooled.

And for her, her relapse started with alcohol and she was back doing meth in no time.

Do give yourself credit for setting the boundaries you have so far.

I often wonder myself if the day will ever come when I can be completely detached with love. I have been letting go for over 3 years and still, when a new tragedy comes up I find that I'm stuggling again. And at the same time, I can see that I've made progress.

I have come to accept that if my niece ever gets sober, it's no guarantee of "forever". And if she chooses to continue to use, there is nothing I can do to stop her. So that leaves me with continuing every day to figure out how I can live my life as best I can regardless of what she does.

God Bless you - prayers you find some answers

krhea75

Yes, you would think I would have learned this by now, but it seems like I have to learn the same lessons over and over again. Maybe it's because i don't really learn them. Maybe it's because I learn them in a new way each time. I know alcohol is a drug, that's why he is gone. i just think he switched to alcohol because it wouldn't be detected in a drug drop.

By nature, I am a naive trusting person. To rebel against that is like wading through muck, but I am still going....

krhea75

Good thoughts anvil. I am so relieved he is gone right now, but I know by the end of the week I'll be missing him. My mom told me I just need to stay mad at him so that I can keep my boundaries in place. The thing is, I get tired of being mad. I'm just working on keeping my thoughts focused on other things so that I don't get too upset about it. One day at a time.

Spiritual Seeker

Don't second guess yourself.
You doin' the right thing.

Even tho, it does not feel good.
Thing about addiction it is all crappy.
We just do what is right ea. day. and try to be satisfied that we are reacting the best we can so as not to get sucked in.

janet1965

I am enabling my boyfriend too. i kicked him but he sucked me back into letting him come back. it's been a year since he has been back, he has been clean. i am beleaving that. but he is not getting help. therapy, meetings. ect. can you stay sober and not go to meetings or have a therapist? he did got into a outpatient treatment program. 3 days. i just think he needs more help than what he has gotten. i was a nurse for 10 yrs and i know what oxys can do to someone. do i push him to go to meetings and or a therapist? or do i wait to see what happens?

Sheila1970

I am very interested in the answer to this question. My son is taken suboxone but doesn't go to meetings or therapy and I want to know is it possible to stay clean without these? He did go to theraphy last year for about 6 months and says he doesn't need it anymore.

Freedom1990

For Janet and Sheila, here's the deal on staying 'clean' without any support in place. The drugs are only a symptom of the problem.

If drugs were the only problem, it would stand to reason that once I put the drugs down, I was fine. That was not the case.

I had to dig deep and start addressing the underlying causes of why I used in the first place.

My coping skills sucked. I had this big gaping hole inside of me that I tried to fill with drugs and booze. I couldn't cope with life on life's terms. I was broken inside. I didn't start using because I was brimming over with self-esteem and confidence, you know?

I have been clean/sober for several years now, but have a daughter in active addiction. She knows where the help is, but denies she has a problem.

I took her in once after she spent 9 months in jail on felony drug charges, and I will never ever do that again.

She turned my household upside down, drug her then 15 year old sister into her sickness, and she was out the door in 30 days, I changed the locks, and got a restraining order on her.

Today I refuse to enable her. She is an adult, and therefore I won't rob her of the right to make her own choices, poor though they may be.

Any time we enable an addict, we are communicating to them that they are not adults, we don't allow them to feel the consequences of their actions, and it is possible to love an addict to death.

One of our younger members at my local 12 step group shared about a friend of his who was in sober living with him. His parents bailed him out of every mess he made. They paid all his expenses at sober living, sent him money for cigarettes and groceries, he never had to lift a finger for a dime.

He walked out of the sober living house one night with a blank check from his parents, cashed it, loaded up on booze and drugs, and was found dead the next morning, alone, in a cheap motel room. He was 17 years old.

You can love an addict to death.

janet1965

i have told my BF that thier is a deep rooted problem why he uses and keeps going back.it's Not just him being Bi Polor. the depression, Ect. its alot more than that. He needs to deal with his demons period. he needs to address it, grieve it and get past it, so he can move to having a sobor stable life...in order to becomesobor and stay that way he needs to leave the past and who is in it that feeds your addiction. I can't help you take the pain away i can't make it better, only you can do that. I'm I wrong?

dslalonde

khrea,
How do i begin....I relate to you, i have a 19 year old addict. Still lives @ home and doesnot work. Everyday is a nightmare. Depressing, scary, and yet, as a mom you love them so much. Everytime i get on this site, my soul just releases. At last someone to talk to about this. You are much stronger than I, I can't turn my son on the streets. actually, this is not my son, just some demon has him now. How can such a thing happen to such a wonderful young man with so much promise??? How do we as parents cope? All of you suggest kicking him out, closing the door, and yes, i agree, with alot of what is said, but not all. We are a loving family and have raised three beautiful sons.
through good, bad, evil and beyond. I want to get help for him, intervention, but all of you are so good at verballizing this, but where do we send them without completely ruining us financially. I am rambling, but i want you to know that i would rather have my son at home when he hits rock bottom, not on the streets.

winnie12

dslalonde - your post makes me very sad. please start going to some meetings so that you can learn how to stop enabling your son. you're not helping him and he may never hit bottom as long as you keep stopping him from falling.

when your son first learned to walk you stayed close by so that when he would stumble and start to fall you could catch him. over time you had to step back and let him fall but you would kiss his boo boos and put bandaids on. now he is an adult and its time for him to fall and deal with the injuries on his own.

whatever you decide to do is solely your choice and i dont judge that at all in fact i completely understand but alanon could certainly help you get through this and possibly help you learn something about boundaries and enabling. if you wont do this for yourself then do it for him because you will help him more with these tools. As I told my son I love him enough to let him hate me and I tell you that I love him enough to let him fall on his own and pick himself up so that he will survive this life.

greeteachday

Detaching in anger is often the first step, I think. You're right though, it is hard to stay angry and even if you could, who'd want to? I think it is a positive that you can't stay angry...although I know it makes it harder when he swings back around.

Baby steps mama..Dslalonde, I hope you can start practicing them too...It doesn't have to be all or nothing; get out and leave my life. I have said it here many times, but it is what my expereince had been...I could only do what I was ready to do at that particular time. One thing I found that did help me was the constant reminder to myself that when I opened a door I previously closed (and for me, that was never my physical home, but other boundaries I kept shifting), it was about me and my need to control, not about being more or less loving to my kids. Then I'd remember that I was acting to comfort myself, not them when I really looked at it closely, and I was once again robbing them of their ability to find their own pride in self accomplishments. Realizing that helped me not to cave, little by little. Hugs and lots of good thoughts and prayers

dslalonde

thank you all. you are my lifeline right now. I search this site like an addiction. searching for something, someone to wake me from this nightmare. Where is my son???/
will i ever see him again, smiling, loving, bringing me flowers? Where is the young man that would wake up every day saying it was a going to be a beautiful day today???
come back to me..........I would give up never seeing him again, if in my heart i knew he was free of these demons.

dslalonde

anger. that is mild compared towhat i feel right now. I look at him, and i really can't see my son in there anymore. Gave him an ultimatum yesterday. I dread the weekend.
thank you all. you are my lifeline right now. I search this site like an addiction. searching for something, someone to wake me from this nightmare. Where is my son???/
will i ever see him again, smiling, loving, bringing me flowers? Where is the young man that would wake up every day saying it was a going to be a beautiful day today???
come back to me..........I would give up never seeing him again, if in my heart i knew he was free of these demons.

winnie12

Oh honey i know how you feel and have said this exact same thing many times. We would do anything for our children and it hurts so much to watch them destroy themselves. it would be easier if someone else was attacking them because then we could fight but this is something we cant fight and have to just watch - its tormenting to a mom's heart. But we can get through this once we let go.

Freedom1990

That is the key-letting go. You know, I was raised a Catholic, and I ran away from that God as fast and as far as I could when I left home. I was angry, hateful, and damned glad to finally be away from my parents. My dad always drilled into me it was the wrath of God that I would feel if I were 'bad'.

When I finally hit a bottom in my addictions, I was told I could find a God of my own. It didn't have to be a God of anyone else's understanding. I was running on blind faith at that time because I was having a hard time grasping that. I just knew I saw something in the people sitting in the rooms of AA, and I wanted what they had.

Slowly I began to see God working through those people, and then things started happening in my life that convinced that there was a God, my God, a gentle and loving God.

My God has carried me through divorce, the birth of a second daughter while I was in recovery, failed relationships, my drinking/using again after 4 years clean/sober, serious health issues including 5 major surgeries, the death of one of my first sponsors, deaths of friends who went back out and never made it back into recovery, my youngest daughter being taken away from me at the age of 15 by the state when she ran away, and the addictions of my oldest daughter who is still in active addiction.

I let go because my God has never failed me. When I can't feel God's presence, when I have lost faith, it isn't because God has moved away from me. It's because I have moved away from God.

hope213

hugs & prayers for you & your son. something is going on with your son. when i had my (then14yr.) grandson here after he left i found beer cans hidden in his room. we want to think they are doing good when they are not. let him hit his bottom. i know he is young but the sooner they hit there bottom the better off they are. it is hard for us being the mom.my son is also an addict. work your recovery. it takes time to let go.just keep coming & posting. it helps just reading around & just knowing some one cares & shares out hurt & pain with us. you are not alone.

dslalonde

Well i am catholic also, not practicing, but very spiritual and i pray and speak to god every day. Where is my god now???? I look around and see families struggling finacially, and yet God blesses me with a stable good position as well as my husband. I would give it all up to have my son back. Have actually spent so much already and can't keep doing it if he doesn't want the help; my hands are tied and he is in God's hands. I have isolated myself from everyone. can't sleep, crying, it is so hard
I have faced many challenges in my lifetime. many more than you can imagine, i believe God helps those that help themselves. That is why i cannot just surrender the problem to God. It is mine and mine alone