SJLady

It started with me asking his opinion of me attending Alanon. He said he thought it might help me develop better coping skills. I agreed that while it wouldn't hurt me, could it help me cope any better than I am already? Logically I know it probably would be good for me, but an irrational part of me says that I don't want my attendance at Alanon to be perceived as condoning his alcoholism or a "we're in this thing together" thing. I KNOW that I have no control over his drinking, but at the same time I don't want to be held responsible for his recovery. Does that make sense? Anyway, there is a newcomers meeting close by this Thursday so I will make every effort to attend.

We also talked about how tense things have been between us. I admitted that I have not been very loving lately, and he said he wasn't expecting to be showered with love and affection. I explained to him that the uncertainty of everything, the not knowing if / when another relapse would occur has been very stressful for me. I explained that it's like climbing a long flight of stairs: you pace yourself, you're doing good, then another relapse comes along and you have to start at the bottom again. I told him I don't know if I have it in me to keep doing that over and over.

And finally the issue that's been hanging over my head like a dark cloud: He said he realizes that I will either decide I could handle it or not. He was okay with either outcome, and although the latter would not exactly make him happy, he understands and would deal with that if necessary. Just having him say it out loud took a huge load off my mind. I told him I am trying to move forward, as he is, but we both agreed to give it some time. I guess we've been building up to this conversation, because the other night he said he feels like he ruined my life. He's been second-guessing himself about some major life changes we've been through recently, but I assured him that we both made the right decisions (we moved from east coast to west coast last year). Although the economy is in the tank right now, the likelihood of him getting laid off from his job back east was very high, and at least he still has a job right now. Besides, I like it much better here :-)

So, that's where we're at for now.

Freedom1990

So let's take him completely out of the equation. What are you doing for yourself to move forward? What are you doing for yourself that feels good? What are you doing for yourself to heal from the effects that his alcoholism has had on you?

:ghug :ghug

SJLady

Gee, I really had to think about that. Aside from letting him work his recovery, taking things one day at a time, and performing my own mental gymnastics I haven't been doing squat for myself. I don't go anywhere, except to the grocery store. I'm pretty much a loner, always have been; I'm comfortable with my own company. I had been focusing on getting a job, but I have suspended that until after we move to our new apartment. I've gained a little weight and know I need to get more active, but I just keep putting it off until tomorrow. I suppose I need to light a fire under my butt and just commit myself to get moving.

Freedom1990

Do you like to read at all? Alanon has been a tremendous help for me, but there have also been some books that have really opened up my eyes. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a good one to start with.

I think the newcomers meeting would be a terrific start in Alanon. Give it a try. What do you have to lose but an hour out of your time?

silkspin

This was me last August. I had held off from going to Al Anon for 2 years after it was recommended to me, but a final drinking straw caused me to walk through the doors. Several things held me back:
- I wasn't ready for it before the day I actually went.
- I saw it like you - condoning his behaviour. Also, the concept of detachment felt like that too. By not saying anything, I'm tacitly agreeing to what he's doing.
- It's an admission that there's something wrong with me, where it's him who needs help. Why do I need a support group?

With my first few sessions something else happened - I developed this holier than thou attitude - making him feel guilty that he'd caused his wife to need help. But that dissipated really quickly once I realized that Al Anon is about me. And that I did need help with the very things that brought me there - the feeling that my behaviour condoned anything he did (I thought my actions had much more power than they really had - if they did, wouldn't have I been successful in stopping his drinking?). That it was unhealthy for me to have an attitude of constantly having to prove something - prove he's the problem, prove that I'm better somehow, prove that I don't have any problems, prove that he has so many problems!

I go to Al Anon because it has helped me be a healthier person, to address my issues. I feel better, and our situation has improved. I believe Al Anon asks that you try 6 meetings before you decide anything.

ICant

When I went to my first meeting a couple of women had been in there for 20+ years and had long since separated from their alcoholic. I was bewildered. Why would you still need a support group for something no longer in your life. But Al-Anon is not a support group. It is for you to recover, learn healthy behaviours and attitudes and to maintain them.