Feeling halfway human today
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Feeling halfway human today
Man..I really put myself through the past few weeks. Same ole story. I know what happens eberytime I go off the deep end. But fighting with that inpatient **** really took alot out of me. Mentally, emotionally and even physically.
I was a complete zombie when I got to mental health. I seriously was blank. No emotion, no expression, couldnt concentrate on anything. I was a mess.
Last night I was upset that I was turned away once again. but not like I was Mon. I was just more tired and felt beat last night. And I had some really serious cravings last night. It seemed like nothing I did would make them go away.
Until I came here and talked it out. And didnt just post one time and take off. I ranted, I complained, I had a little pity party for a minute. But in the end. I had forgotten all about those urges. And in the process of all my whining. I got alot of advice, support and encouragement.
And I thought long and hard about what a few were saying about things not going as I had planned. And they were right. And I accepted that today. I dont think its going to happen. The inpatient. And if it is going to happen. Its going to take a whole lot more of me struggling to get there. I am sotired of it. I am going to go to IOP with an open mind and determination. I am also goin to have them transport me to and from the groups. That way I will be on someone elses schedule, You know what I mean? That way I will be more likely to go.
I havent gotten maybe an hour sleep since 7 am yesterdy. I just cant fall asleep for some reason. I am so dead tired. I feel like I am about to crash and go into a coma. But I get in bed and I just cant get there. Or I nod for a few minutes and then I am wide awake again. I ahve been awke about 38 hours with a few minutes of nodding in between here and there.
But I had more energy today than I have in weeks. I got all unpacked. I did laundry. I took apart my old dresser and hauled it to the dumpster on the next road. I cleaned and organized my room and the spare room. I cleaned up after my cat. It was beautiful out today so I smoked outside all day when I wanted to smoke. Opened the windows. I just had a great productive day today. And it had nothing to do with trying to get into a rehab.
I felt normal for once again.
So I guess I am going to count my blessings. Be thankful for what I do have and what I can do. And take it from there.
You all have really pulled me through these past couple weeks. I dont think I have ever depended on this place as I have recently. I was in total desperation. And every one of you really held me together. I cant even begin to thank you guys enough.
And after all my efforts in trying to do what I did. I am satisfied with the effort I put in. Even though it resulted in soemthing other than what I wanted. And to beat those cravings last night was just a miracle. I had them so bad that I really thought I was gone.
But I made it another day. And thanks to you guys I have a new hope today.
I just feel calm and peaceful for once. I needed it. Played with the little cousins all day. It was great. I will sleep so good tonight when I do finally pass out.
I just gotta say it again. Thank you all so much for putting up with me. I know I was a total mess here lately. And it takes alot of patience to deal with me sometimes. But you all didnt even bat an eyelash. Amazing..Thats what you all are. Just amazing. I am so lucky to have you all.
Ia m goin to try and get ready to get some rest.
You all are truly liek family. I love you guys.
I was a complete zombie when I got to mental health. I seriously was blank. No emotion, no expression, couldnt concentrate on anything. I was a mess.
Last night I was upset that I was turned away once again. but not like I was Mon. I was just more tired and felt beat last night. And I had some really serious cravings last night. It seemed like nothing I did would make them go away.
Until I came here and talked it out. And didnt just post one time and take off. I ranted, I complained, I had a little pity party for a minute. But in the end. I had forgotten all about those urges. And in the process of all my whining. I got alot of advice, support and encouragement.
And I thought long and hard about what a few were saying about things not going as I had planned. And they were right. And I accepted that today. I dont think its going to happen. The inpatient. And if it is going to happen. Its going to take a whole lot more of me struggling to get there. I am sotired of it. I am going to go to IOP with an open mind and determination. I am also goin to have them transport me to and from the groups. That way I will be on someone elses schedule, You know what I mean? That way I will be more likely to go.
I havent gotten maybe an hour sleep since 7 am yesterdy. I just cant fall asleep for some reason. I am so dead tired. I feel like I am about to crash and go into a coma. But I get in bed and I just cant get there. Or I nod for a few minutes and then I am wide awake again. I ahve been awke about 38 hours with a few minutes of nodding in between here and there.
But I had more energy today than I have in weeks. I got all unpacked. I did laundry. I took apart my old dresser and hauled it to the dumpster on the next road. I cleaned and organized my room and the spare room. I cleaned up after my cat. It was beautiful out today so I smoked outside all day when I wanted to smoke. Opened the windows. I just had a great productive day today. And it had nothing to do with trying to get into a rehab.
I felt normal for once again.
So I guess I am going to count my blessings. Be thankful for what I do have and what I can do. And take it from there.
You all have really pulled me through these past couple weeks. I dont think I have ever depended on this place as I have recently. I was in total desperation. And every one of you really held me together. I cant even begin to thank you guys enough.
And after all my efforts in trying to do what I did. I am satisfied with the effort I put in. Even though it resulted in soemthing other than what I wanted. And to beat those cravings last night was just a miracle. I had them so bad that I really thought I was gone.
But I made it another day. And thanks to you guys I have a new hope today.
I just feel calm and peaceful for once. I needed it. Played with the little cousins all day. It was great. I will sleep so good tonight when I do finally pass out.
I just gotta say it again. Thank you all so much for putting up with me. I know I was a total mess here lately. And it takes alot of patience to deal with me sometimes. But you all didnt even bat an eyelash. Amazing..Thats what you all are. Just amazing. I am so lucky to have you all.
Ia m goin to try and get ready to get some rest.
You all are truly liek family. I love you guys.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
The best part is that you didn't use and you didn't quit trying. That's what it's all about, staying in the game, and not giving up. You can rest easy knowing you did your best, and are still here. Be proud.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Trish, I think we all need to thank you for sharing everything you have been going through. You have shown so many people how to make it through just about anything without using. You have an incredible amt of determination that I admire so much. You are living, breathing proof that Recovery is a we program, not something that anyone can do alone.
You were right when you said you didn't just vent and then log out. You stuck it out and look what happened, you overcame some serious cravings last night. I sat here and kept Praying that you weren't going to log out, because that would have been just about the worst thing you could have done.
Your determination and strength just shines through. You mentioned last night that you felt like you were really going to have to fight to make it through this. . . and fight you have.
I am so proud of you and I feel truly Blessed to be able to call you my friend in Recovery.
Love ya,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
This is exactly what I was trying to tell you in your other thread. You said it yourself...in the past you would have logged out and gotten high...done it time and time again. This time you didn't do it.
Just because you've always done it, doesn't mean you're going to do it again.
I don't think you realize how much you've changed, but we do. You still see "Trish the crackhead" (just like I saw "Amy the crackhead" for quite a while) but WE know you've moved way past that.
Yes, some of our behaviors linger on; no, we don't do stuff "right" every day, but you ARE making progress! Admit it...even when you've screwed up, you don't do it very long, now do you? You get right back here, dust yourself off, and go forward.
You're getting very close to thinking how I feel about crack...really deep down..."this **** just isn't worth it". I SAID it a million times..now I believe it.
Luv ya!
Amy
This is exactly what I was trying to tell you in your other thread. You said it yourself...in the past you would have logged out and gotten high...done it time and time again. This time you didn't do it.
Just because you've always done it, doesn't mean you're going to do it again.
I don't think you realize how much you've changed, but we do. You still see "Trish the crackhead" (just like I saw "Amy the crackhead" for quite a while) but WE know you've moved way past that.
Yes, some of our behaviors linger on; no, we don't do stuff "right" every day, but you ARE making progress! Admit it...even when you've screwed up, you don't do it very long, now do you? You get right back here, dust yourself off, and go forward.
You're getting very close to thinking how I feel about crack...really deep down..."this **** just isn't worth it". I SAID it a million times..now I believe it.
Luv ya!
Amy
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
It is nice to see you getting back to your old wonderful self. I read your post on another thread today and it made me so happy for you to see the change. You have a lot of friends here and it is because you earned them.
Good luck with the insurance thing tomorrow.
Good luck with the insurance thing tomorrow.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Wow..I just woke up. Told you I was goin to crash and burn. I finally fell asleep about 2am. Now its almost 7:30pm. I did wake up here and there. Sweqating like crazy. And the dreams I was having were really intense.One I remember I saw a spider crawling all over this bunk bed and I grabbed the lysol cleaner and started spraying it. Thats what I do in hopes that it will kill the bug. But as I sprayed the crap out of it. It came closer and was about to jump on me and it turned into my cat. And she fell on the floor dieing. I jumped up off my bed yelling and woke myslef up.
Then I had written this play and these people were performing it. I never actually saw it. It was weird. Then I was in this underwater city. Just all kinds of crazy stuff.
Still tired. Will probably sleep somemore and start fresh tomorrow.
Then I had written this play and these people were performing it. I never actually saw it. It was weird. Then I was in this underwater city. Just all kinds of crazy stuff.
Still tired. Will probably sleep somemore and start fresh tomorrow.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Trish,
You are an awesome, unique, strong, fabulous, wonderful person!! I'm so proud of you.
If everone could enter IOP with the determination and open-mindedness that you are bringing, it would really be a different world. I went through IOP and there were some people there who were just basically keeping their seat warm. Then there were others who thought their recovery was supossed to come and find them - like all they had to do was sit there and let it happen. And then there were people like you - hungry, desperate, determined, awake. These are the people that everyone else looked up to.
I know IOP wasn't what you felt you needed. But I am sure that, because of your attitude and will, you are going to milk every last bit of recovery, wisdom, and strength out of your experience with IOP. And the others in your group are going to look up to you and learn from you. You are going to be an enormous gift to your IOP group.
I'm proud of you. And thank you for sharing your struggle here. It has been scary to read because I was so afraid for you. But also wonderful. Because you are still here, still learning, still clean and sober. You really are awesome. And you're a huge gift to us her at SR.
xo
You are an awesome, unique, strong, fabulous, wonderful person!! I'm so proud of you.
If everone could enter IOP with the determination and open-mindedness that you are bringing, it would really be a different world. I went through IOP and there were some people there who were just basically keeping their seat warm. Then there were others who thought their recovery was supossed to come and find them - like all they had to do was sit there and let it happen. And then there were people like you - hungry, desperate, determined, awake. These are the people that everyone else looked up to.
I know IOP wasn't what you felt you needed. But I am sure that, because of your attitude and will, you are going to milk every last bit of recovery, wisdom, and strength out of your experience with IOP. And the others in your group are going to look up to you and learn from you. You are going to be an enormous gift to your IOP group.
I'm proud of you. And thank you for sharing your struggle here. It has been scary to read because I was so afraid for you. But also wonderful. Because you are still here, still learning, still clean and sober. You really are awesome. And you're a huge gift to us her at SR.
xo
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
