Mattcake

I ran into a loose acquaintance today. Last I'd hear about him, he had been struggling with cocaine and alcohol addiction, and had wound up in the ER several times - this was a few years ago. I was very surprised to see him, and to notice how good and healthy he looked; he was all smiles and laughter. Being something of a fatalist, maybe I had just presumed him dead or something, but in all truth I had all but forgotten him.

So after talking to him for a while, I worked up the courage to ask him about his addiction. He just blinked and asked "what about it?". He wasn't offended by my question, and his answer struck me. He shrugged and said, "Yeah, I had a rough going for some years, but I don't anymore. I stopped doing it." Dramatic Matthew: "That's it?" "Yeah, I have moved on. No more drugs for me!" and he laughed. Again.

Well... this encounter reminded me of a family member who drank very heavily for over five years, then suddenly quit and never looked back. He has been sober for almost 10 years now. It also got me thinking about what these two people have in common. How did they manage to "just quit and move on"? Can it really be that easy?

This is what I came up with: both of them accepted their shortcomings and limitations and, instead of fighting them, they decided to work with and around them. Humillity seems to be the key here.

What's your take on it?

Anna

That's it, Matt!

Humility is such a big part of recovery. Accepting what is, dealing with it and moving on is wonderful. I think many of us struggle with unresolved issues when we stop drinking and that's makes it difficult to move on. Realistically, we often have to deal with difficult issues when we stop drinking and it's hard to do. But, I think, we often beat on ourselves and don't 'really' believe that we deserve a good life because of what we've done.

yeahgr8

Who knows what really went on inside of them to be able to achieve this, maybe it was not all of a sudden and had been going on for years in the minds? Maybe they realised this is a battle they could not possibly win and just ran out of fight? Maybe they are the few who can give up and accept that they are not able to do DOC and then move on to do the things they always wanted to do with their lives. For a lot of us though, myself included, we can't remember how the hell to live life so need a little coaching, whether self taught, by a professional or a body like AA etc.

Mattcake

@ Anna: I definitely think that self-forgiveness is crucial!

@ Yeahgr8: Agreed. I'm sure it wasn't all roses for either of them, and that they did struggle for a while. I was just surprised by how simple this person made it sound. It made sense, and got me thinking about my own stubborness and unwillingness to accept limits

Fubarcdn

It could have been for any number of reasons.
My best friend was a speed freak (meth user) and so was I when we were in our twenties for 3-4 years daily use and then we decided just to quit because we were tired of the lifestyle. He is completely clean and sober whereas I kept using weed and booze.After the 2 week detox it was as simple as that. That was over 30 years ago.
No use in speculating why don't you just ask them?

Mattcake

Well, I did ask them. Their answers were identical, they both said that they "were over it", period. That statement might sound obvious and even offensive to some of us. I just find it plain mind-blowing, but that's because I think too much

Aysha

It could be that they did accept and move on. That is thee most important thing IMO in good recovery.
I am so dramatic too matty. My father is the same way in being simple about it. And not goin on about the struggle of it. Its like total acceptance and simplicity it seems. He is over 20 yrs sober.
Then with me if I am short with an answer like that. I am noot really feeling it necessary to go into detail. Just to the point. I did have a problem. I dont now. Thats it.
I would love to be in a place where I can just take it for what it is. Or even just get to a point where I can even say anything close to no more drugs for me.
Humility is such wonderful characteristic. I struggle with it alot. But it definately glows from the people who have it.

Fubarcdn

That is how both me and my friend felt about meth. He never drank or smoked so for him that was it.
Five years ago I said the same thing about smoking up. That is it I quit.
And now I am saying the same about booze. I haven't had any urge to drink because it is something that I feel I am over.

I think it is different for different people.

serenityqueen

Here's my thoughts. If I were the friend, you and I were talking and you asked me that question, my reply would more than likely be, " I'm not that person anymore, been Clean & Sober for over three and a half years." I won't go into how horrible it was, how I'd been to prison twice, how I have been married and divorced twice, how, at the end, I was truly suicidal . . .

As a matter of fact, I do run into people who's last memories of me were really messed up, higher than hell, lying, conning, scamming . . . and that's pretty much my reply if someone asks.

There's just certain people that I don't feel the need to say anymore to than that. Maybe he just figures that the only thing that matters now is that he's in Recovery. Now, I imagine if you shared your own struggles with him, he would have went a little more into detail. Perhaps he just doesn't feel like you want to hear all of the gory details. . . . or need to.

Big Hug Matty!
Judy

Gypsy Feet

I scared myself one night really bad using meth, so I quit. I got a lung infection, so I quit cigs. I did a terrible thing drunk, so here I am.

I really, really feel for all of the people on this site who struggle to remove toxic from there lives. I haven't faced that challenge yet, and for that I am grateful. I have never been through a program, or worked any steps. I try and look inward for signs that I am still sick (dry drunk or what ever), and besides my huge codie tendencies that I am working on, I "seem" to be doing ok with the switch to a sober lifestyle.

sailorjohn

Maybe it is something very simple. All of these programs with very few exceptions, can really be distilled into two parts. Get straight. Grow up.
Simple, but know one ever claimed it was easy.

Mattcake

Thanks for your comments, John! So true! I guess that the only way to make it difficult is by struggling - be it with mental gymnastics, stubborness or by acting out.

Theresa

When I have found it difficult to change my own behavior or my current environment, or to leave people that are harmful to my growth and sanity-- the difficulty has been in my "thinking" about doing it more than actually in my just doing it.

The line "I'm not going back there anymore." is my code line for change (I'm not waking up with a hangover anymore; I'm not going to put myself around that person anymore.) When I state that line, the clouds seem to lift and moving on is while a daily challenge, nothing like the misery I was living before committing to a change. Maybe this is the point to which your friends were referring.

Hope this makes sense in reply to your good question....

sfgirl

I had a similar experience recently with a closer friend. We were talking about her drinking and she was like yeah so I just gave it up over a year ago. And I was like just like that? She said, yep. And I kept pressing her thinking there must have been a struggle or something but nothing, it seemed like she just switched a switch. So frustrating because it did not match my experience of quitting or recovery.

I must say though that my reaction was not quite so enlightened as yours. Instead of thinking positively about the whole situation, I got into my over-thinking and sort of pulled her situation apart. I couldn't see it as her simply accepting the situation— I thought maybe she just cross-addicted to pot or her bf. I had to pick things in it that made it not real "sobriety," all this lame stuff. I mean I am so envious and honestly, dubious, of these people. It also made me second guess myself and it was definitely not the first time that I had posed these series of questions to myself: why do you have to think so much? why are you so serious? Just chill!!!

Now reading your story which so echos my own (minus of course my reaction) I feel that maybe what there is to learn for me in all this is I got to let go of all this judgmental hostility or something. I wish I could accept that for other people it can be simple and for me it is hard or long or complicated. It makes me want to scream "why me?" and maybe I need to take this as a cue to work on a little bit of humility. But at the same time right now, not quite six months in, I am not sure how I could not have all these feelings of envy, jealousy, and distrust for people who seem to just shake off their addiction like an old coat. It is a process and I obviously got ground to cover.

Mattcake

Theresa: I think I understand. Overthinking leads us into trouble. Making a decision - and sticking to it, of course - is a huge relief.

Sfgirl: Same thing... I do know that things seemed more simple before my addiction. And, ironically, they were much more complicated than my current droning, "flat" life, but I just didn't make a big deal out of them. Ugh, LOL.

Thanks for your replies. (I guess) it just boils down to making a decision and committing to it for once. The rest of it is a crazy, never-ending waste of mental resources.

Dee74

I've been away a bit - I just found this thread.
Because I have been away from here, out in the real world, this thread struck me particularly.

Accepting ourselves plays a big part - I had to accept I was alcoholic before I made any head way at all. Accepting the new parameters of my life helped a lot.

I also think tho, especially in the company of other alcoholics and addicts, we can sometimes overanalyse our 'struggle' sometimes - and make it more labyrinthine in our minds than it needs to be.

I know people too, people who were killing themselves, who weren't fooling...who just....quit.

I know some like to speak of the struggle, and I suspect quite a few of us like to court drama now and again, but I'm not one for displaying campaign medals.

I've accomplished a lot since 2007 - but I also wasted a lot of years foolishly before that. I've been simply righting the wrongs I've done to myself, and others, for a long long time.

I think most of us, if we drink or use enough, end up with two choices - live or die.

If you decide to live - you stop knowingly killing yourself.
Everything else falls into place from there.

It's not easy but it's amazingly bloody simple
D

lunarise

Matt....I guess I sort of understand what your friends were saying..When I stopped (which wasnt long ago) I just stopped..I went to a detox center and made sure I was safe from W/Ds and came home 2 days later. I dont really feel like its this huge struggle for me. I think part of it is because I was so sick of drinking before I stopped that it no longer seems appealing to me. Sure ..once in a while I will think oh its nice out..hmm a beer would taste good..but just as simply as the thought comes in I say no..thats not a good idea...and then its gone. I dont focus on it. I feel for the peeps here who have it harder...I often feel like I cant relate...