What else do I have to do? I am just so tired of it.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
What else do I have to do? I am just so tired of it.
Well...Here I am again. Back at square one. I F***ing hate insurance companies.
I am not goin to get into it right now. I am just overwhelmed with it all. And so tired of battling them. I just cant comprehend it in the least bit.
Not to mention the drug dealers have been calling non stop since I been gone. Today is Friday. I know plenty people who work and get paid today that I could manipulate. I have a bad case of the bubble guts right now.
I just got home. I am disappointed. I am frustrated. I feel like noone gives a ****. I feel like whats the friggin point.
I am not goin to get high tho. I am not even moving from my room any more thasn needed.
I am goin to catch up here.
Try and accept all this the best I can. And just let it go for now.
And try not to get all workes up about that same fleeting thought of" Gotta find a job and gotta pay bills." That will definately push me over the edge again.
Anyway. Here I am again. Prolly to drive yall nuts still. Because I am no where near ok with all this.
I am not goin to get into it right now. I am just overwhelmed with it all. And so tired of battling them. I just cant comprehend it in the least bit.
Not to mention the drug dealers have been calling non stop since I been gone. Today is Friday. I know plenty people who work and get paid today that I could manipulate. I have a bad case of the bubble guts right now.
I just got home. I am disappointed. I am frustrated. I feel like noone gives a ****. I feel like whats the friggin point.
I am not goin to get high tho. I am not even moving from my room any more thasn needed.
I am goin to catch up here.
Try and accept all this the best I can. And just let it go for now.
And try not to get all workes up about that same fleeting thought of" Gotta find a job and gotta pay bills." That will definately push me over the edge again.
Anyway. Here I am again. Prolly to drive yall nuts still. Because I am no where near ok with all this.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm sorry it didn't work out Trish.
But, you are here and you have support. You can get through this with the rehab, if that's what you have to do. I know you can do it. Don't let these disappointments stop your recovery.
But, you are here and you have support. You can get through this with the rehab, if that's what you have to do. I know you can do it. Don't let these disappointments stop your recovery.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Originally Posted by chiynita 
Anyway. Here I am again. Prolly to drive yall nuts still.
I don't know what to say Trish but I'm glad you come here to get it all out and I know you've got the strength to not use over it. Keep telling those dealers to eff off. Here's a hug for ya
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I am wondering...I kept hearing since the day I was turned away Monday at treatment right up to when I left the mental place. "I'm sorry."
When I heard it everytime from these therapist, Dr's and counselors. It sounded like this. "Meh..Sorry your screaming for help and noone gives a rats ass."
You ever see that commercial thats on with Dr Drew? The one where the people are screaming but you cant hear them. And Dr Drew says. Give them a voice?
Thats what I feel like. I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and banging on everything possible to get soemones attention to help me and I am invisible.
I never knew being a drug addict wasnt criteria enough to get into drug rehab. Makes perfect sense. Yea right. The whole treatment team at the mental place did evrything they could. They referred and recommended and still the ins company wont budge.
IOP is all they keep saying.
Apparently I have managed care. Which is a private form of medicaid. And thats what is making it so hard. So the therapist and the Dr told me to try and change my plan to just strait medicaid and they think that would make it easier.
So Mon I am goin to call my worker and see what thats about.
I am sick with it all. It is so sad that you have to fight for help. Isnt that what these services are set up to do?
I have been goin through this for years upon years. What is so difficult about letting a severe addict such as myself get help?
And they see how hard I am pushing for it. It is quite obvious to me that I am serious about it this time. I guess I will neevr understand.
I am so tired now. I am goin to lay down.
When I heard it everytime from these therapist, Dr's and counselors. It sounded like this. "Meh..Sorry your screaming for help and noone gives a rats ass."
You ever see that commercial thats on with Dr Drew? The one where the people are screaming but you cant hear them. And Dr Drew says. Give them a voice?
Thats what I feel like. I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and banging on everything possible to get soemones attention to help me and I am invisible.
I never knew being a drug addict wasnt criteria enough to get into drug rehab. Makes perfect sense. Yea right. The whole treatment team at the mental place did evrything they could. They referred and recommended and still the ins company wont budge.
IOP is all they keep saying.
Apparently I have managed care. Which is a private form of medicaid. And thats what is making it so hard. So the therapist and the Dr told me to try and change my plan to just strait medicaid and they think that would make it easier.
So Mon I am goin to call my worker and see what thats about.
I am sick with it all. It is so sad that you have to fight for help. Isnt that what these services are set up to do?
I have been goin through this for years upon years. What is so difficult about letting a severe addict such as myself get help?
And they see how hard I am pushing for it. It is quite obvious to me that I am serious about it this time. I guess I will neevr understand.
I am so tired now. I am goin to lay down.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Oh Sweetie - I am so sorry!!!! I can not believe this. It sucks. Big.
You're doing a great job. I think you are strong and wise and capable. You are already in recovery, all on your own. You get huge, huge points in my book. Stay strong. We love you.
You're doing a great job. I think you are strong and wise and capable. You are already in recovery, all on your own. You get huge, huge points in my book. Stay strong. We love you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
I can't believe it either.
I can feel an essay coming on about how we've lost our sense of social responsibility...but I won't.
It just sucks.
Hang tough Trish - ring that case worker - and remember there's always the nonprofit rehabs.
love you - stay close
D
I can feel an essay coming on about how we've lost our sense of social responsibility...but I won't.
It just sucks.
Hang tough Trish - ring that case worker - and remember there's always the nonprofit rehabs.
love you - stay close
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
Originally Posted by Dee74
I can feel an essay coming on about how we've lost our sense of social responsibility...but I won't.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Originally Posted by chiynita
The whole treatment team at the mental place did evrything they could. They referred and recommended and still the ins company wont budge.
Apparently I have managed care. Which is a private form of medicaid. And thats what is making it so hard. So the therapist and the Dr told me to try and change my plan to just strait medicaid and they think that would make it easier.
So Mon I am goin to call my worker and see what thats about.
I have been goin through this for years upon years. What is so difficult about letting a severe addict such as myself get help?
.
Apparently I have managed care. Which is a private form of medicaid. And thats what is making it so hard. So the therapist and the Dr told me to try and change my plan to just strait medicaid and they think that would make it easier.
So Mon I am goin to call my worker and see what thats about.
I have been goin through this for years upon years. What is so difficult about letting a severe addict such as myself get help?
.
What you wrote here is still hope. I know you are strong so follow up on this and let's all hope this door opens up for you.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
In my 14 to 15 years of doing cocaine. I dont think I have ever really had physical symptoms like urges and withdrawl. At least not on their own. Its usually my thinking and psychological state that brings on the physical BS.
But right now. And actually ever since they discharged me today. My stomach is flip floppin. I feel short of breath. I feel anxious and on edge. My body feels like it does when I am about to get high. The antisipation feeling.
Its very uncomfortable. And it wont stop.
I am doin all kinds of things to distract myself. but am finding that even when I am not thinking about any of it. My bosy is still goin through it. I feel irritable and cant really stay focused on anything.
I hate these feelings because those are the physical feelings that make me cave.
I am one phone call away from hell. And I dont want to go there. I have been fighting for over a week to get help. I am so drained and feel so beaten down.
And somehow I feel like they are telling me that all this is my fault in some way. Or that I am not taking rsponsibility for my addiction. Or that for some reason I should be able to pull it together myself.
I know that isnt really true to a point. But I still feel like I dont know...Like I am being too dependant on the system to get me better. Or something along those lines. I am almost feeling like a burden. And there goes the dam phone ringing again. How long am i goin to be able to not answer? I am in hell right now. Mental and physical hell and I dont know what to do except white knuckle it for now. But that only lasts for so long.
But right now. And actually ever since they discharged me today. My stomach is flip floppin. I feel short of breath. I feel anxious and on edge. My body feels like it does when I am about to get high. The antisipation feeling.
Its very uncomfortable. And it wont stop.
I am doin all kinds of things to distract myself. but am finding that even when I am not thinking about any of it. My bosy is still goin through it. I feel irritable and cant really stay focused on anything.
I hate these feelings because those are the physical feelings that make me cave.
I am one phone call away from hell. And I dont want to go there. I have been fighting for over a week to get help. I am so drained and feel so beaten down.
And somehow I feel like they are telling me that all this is my fault in some way. Or that I am not taking rsponsibility for my addiction. Or that for some reason I should be able to pull it together myself.
I know that isnt really true to a point. But I still feel like I dont know...Like I am being too dependant on the system to get me better. Or something along those lines. I am almost feeling like a burden. And there goes the dam phone ringing again. How long am i goin to be able to not answer? I am in hell right now. Mental and physical hell and I dont know what to do except white knuckle it for now. But that only lasts for so long.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Hang in there Chiy. Remember how dejected you felt the last time that you gave in?
Maybe on Moday you can get things straightened out and get under regular medicaid and get the help you need.
I know you want to use right now but don't.
You are a fighter and you can fight this.
You have come too far this week to give in now.
I am here to listen to you vent but please don't use.
Maybe on Moday you can get things straightened out and get under regular medicaid and get the help you need.
I know you want to use right now but don't.
You are a fighter and you can fight this.
You have come too far this week to give in now.
I am here to listen to you vent but please don't use.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
You posted this just over an hour ago. Reconnect to that determination you had.
I always keep trying. I will never give up. As hard and hopeless as it seems sometimes. I can never stop trying. If I never in my life get anywhere. Thats ok. Because I kept trying. I have seen people who have hgiven up on themselves. And it is such a sad sight. That is when I believe your truly in trouble is when you give up completely.
Keep trying. :ghug
I always keep trying. I will never give up. As hard and hopeless as it seems sometimes. I can never stop trying. If I never in my life get anywhere. Thats ok. Because I kept trying. I have seen people who have hgiven up on themselves. And it is such a sad sight. That is when I believe your truly in trouble is when you give up completely.
Keep trying. :ghug
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Trish, I really do feel for you in this situation. I can relate as far as I can't even get any kind of medical card, nothing! I have no income whatsoever right now (my family is helping keep a roof over my head until my Disability hopefully comes through) I went down to apply for a medical card several months ago and was told that since I don't have a minor child living with me and am not on Disability as of yet, sorry, no go. I get food stamps, for which I am very grateful but no medical? WTF? With all of my medical conditions I don't qualify because I don't have a minor child at home? Believe me, I exhausted every avenue possible, trying to find some kind of a loophole. No luck!
I had to accept that fact that, like in the Serenity Prayer, there are some things I cannot change. I know you more than likely don't want to hear all of this right now but I feel you need to accept the fact that it doesn't look like you are going to be able to go inpatient. It sounds like you have given this 150%, trying to get into an inpatient program.
You are very fortunate that you can get IOP. There are many out there who can't. I hate to see you burning up all of your energy trying to get an insurance company to budge when it sounds like they aren't going to.
I don't know if you have signed up for IOP, I may have missed it somewhere on here, but it sounds like it's time to get that rolling. I did IOP starting in July of 2005 until around March of 2006. I threw myself into it with everything I had and got so much out of it. I thought that I needed a long term inpatient program as well, but that was all I could get into. I have been clean and sober since. It's not what kind of treatment you're in, it's what you put into it and get out of it. You know that. I had been in many inpatient treatment programs over the years and after I got out, I still picked up. I wasn't ready those times, but I was in July of 2005. . . just like you are ready now!
I know you have avoided NA Meetings in the past but you've said you are willing to try anything now. Get the IOP going, and hit at least one Meeting a day. On the days you don't have IOP, go to 2 Meetings. That's what I did.
I just want to finish up with saying how very proud I am of you. I know it would have been very easy to say, "screw it" and use over all of this. I feel this just shows how determined you are to get yourself into a Program, get all the tools of recovery that are available and begin living the beautiful life that awaits you.
Big Hugs and Prayers,
Judy
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Trish - short version
This is not your fault. And the feelings you are feeling are anxiety and stress. Understandable. And yeah they can feel like the 'old' feelings.
It may not feel like it now but you're going somewhere. Despite everything.
I can see it from here, even if you can't.
I can barely walk a block at the moment. Sometimes I get the old urge sitting on my shoulder saying - what's the use in trying? relax for a bit...opt out. Give up.
It's persuasive.
But if I do that, I could lose everything I have and everything I want to be.
and I won't do that.
I haven't come this far for nothing - and you shouldn't either.
Hugs
D
Don't give up. Don't go back.
This is not your fault. And the feelings you are feeling are anxiety and stress. Understandable. And yeah they can feel like the 'old' feelings.
It may not feel like it now but you're going somewhere. Despite everything.
I can see it from here, even if you can't.
I can barely walk a block at the moment. Sometimes I get the old urge sitting on my shoulder saying - what's the use in trying? relax for a bit...opt out. Give up.
It's persuasive.
But if I do that, I could lose everything I have and everything I want to be.
and I won't do that.
I haven't come this far for nothing - and you shouldn't either.
Hugs
D
Don't give up. Don't go back.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I rarely ever come here if I am feeling this strong of an urge. And the couple times I have. I posted and bolted.
I cant keep doing that **** anymore. I am really ready to take this all the way any means possible. But my goodness.It is fighting right back and giving me a good run for my money.
I felt so let down once again today when I had to leave.
I have let myself down all my life. And now the only people that can help me the way I need arent doing anything except saying F you pretty much.
I cant concentrate on anything. I was just trying to play spades online. Something I do alot and am very good at. I cant even stay focused and am losing or forgetting whats been played. My train of thought is zero.
I am so hung up on why these people dont see the severity of it all. Why do I have to have mental issues for them to even consider anything. I am an addict just the same. My mental issues are a symptom of my drug use. I do relize it is usually the other way around. I found myself apologizing for not being suicidal and depressed. How twisted is that?
I have no energy. I am just ..I dont even know anymore.
I cant keep doing that **** anymore. I am really ready to take this all the way any means possible. But my goodness.It is fighting right back and giving me a good run for my money.
I felt so let down once again today when I had to leave.
I have let myself down all my life. And now the only people that can help me the way I need arent doing anything except saying F you pretty much.
I cant concentrate on anything. I was just trying to play spades online. Something I do alot and am very good at. I cant even stay focused and am losing or forgetting whats been played. My train of thought is zero.
I am so hung up on why these people dont see the severity of it all. Why do I have to have mental issues for them to even consider anything. I am an addict just the same. My mental issues are a symptom of my drug use. I do relize it is usually the other way around. I found myself apologizing for not being suicidal and depressed. How twisted is that?
I have no energy. I am just ..I dont even know anymore.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Yea..I get what your saying SQ. But at the same time ..I know me. Yall should know that by now. When left to my own devices. I rarely pull through.
When the choice is mine to go or not. 9 times out of 10 I opt out. For various reasons. I am getting desperate and I dont want to risk relying on myself to be commited to IOP. Thats why I feel I need inpatient. I will be forced to do it in a way. I will have structure and dicipline.
IOP in all the times I have started it has turned into me saying after about a week. "I cant afford the gas. I dotn feel like going. I need to work more than I need to go there. " You see the excuses I come up with? Its not about working the program. Its about me having that freedom and choice of independantly making it there and staying committed.
I dont trust myself. I am being 100% honest when I say I dont trust myself in the least.
I do have an appt Thurs that the mental health facility set up. But you know...I have tried it 5 or 6 times in the past year and a half. And the same thing happens everytime. Its not that I dont want it. I dont want to work it. Its I get lazy and I get distracted and I rationalise all kinds of excuses.
I am goin to go. But I am worried. I strait up dont trust myself at all.
When the choice is mine to go or not. 9 times out of 10 I opt out. For various reasons. I am getting desperate and I dont want to risk relying on myself to be commited to IOP. Thats why I feel I need inpatient. I will be forced to do it in a way. I will have structure and dicipline.
IOP in all the times I have started it has turned into me saying after about a week. "I cant afford the gas. I dotn feel like going. I need to work more than I need to go there. " You see the excuses I come up with? Its not about working the program. Its about me having that freedom and choice of independantly making it there and staying committed.
I dont trust myself. I am being 100% honest when I say I dont trust myself in the least.
I do have an appt Thurs that the mental health facility set up. But you know...I have tried it 5 or 6 times in the past year and a half. And the same thing happens everytime. Its not that I dont want it. I dont want to work it. Its I get lazy and I get distracted and I rationalise all kinds of excuses.
I am goin to go. But I am worried. I strait up dont trust myself at all.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
And I wanted to mention this earlier but kept forgetting.
When we had our AA meeting last night. 2 outside people came in. And both said they fell to their knees in total desperation and pled God to help them. Fisrt I want to say thins has nothing to do with AA or NA. I am just saying thats where I heard this.
And I heard on sober house last night too. And in other places that these people fell to their knees and just cried out for Gods help and they got it.
I ahve done that more times than I can count. So why cant I get it?
I have ciried my little heart out in complete and total desperation for anyone to help me. To guide me to just show me a way. And I do put forth an effort to some extent. But I never get that life changing miracle they talk about. I dont get it.
So now I am left to fend for myself. Not even therapist, Dr's or counselors can get me help. So I mean...What is wrong with me?
When we had our AA meeting last night. 2 outside people came in. And both said they fell to their knees in total desperation and pled God to help them. Fisrt I want to say thins has nothing to do with AA or NA. I am just saying thats where I heard this.
And I heard on sober house last night too. And in other places that these people fell to their knees and just cried out for Gods help and they got it.
I ahve done that more times than I can count. So why cant I get it?
I have ciried my little heart out in complete and total desperation for anyone to help me. To guide me to just show me a way. And I do put forth an effort to some extent. But I never get that life changing miracle they talk about. I dont get it.
So now I am left to fend for myself. Not even therapist, Dr's or counselors can get me help. So I mean...What is wrong with me?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Trish - It isn't that you aren't trying or putting your all into this. Its typical medical insurance having way too much power and the ability to deny, delay and not pay. I do think its crap they have so much power over us, but I can say that you have handled this with fight and of course you are ready to drop down right now. Take it for what it is. It was an emotional roller coaster that even non-addicts would have felt the drain from. Listen to your body. Its not screaming for a hit or at least, I don't think it is. I think its screaming for some TLC. You have fought and fought and I don't want to see you give it up because of this. I think you are so much stronger then you even know.
I wish you lived closer because I would spoil you right now. You need to be spoiled and you need some rest Trish. Hugs to you. BTW - you don't deserve this. No one deserves to be taken on this emotional roller coaster. It isn't some sort of penance or karma or anything. Its really life and sometimes life can punch us in the stomachs even when we are down already.
I wish you lived closer because I would spoil you right now. You need to be spoiled and you need some rest Trish. Hugs to you. BTW - you don't deserve this. No one deserves to be taken on this emotional roller coaster. It isn't some sort of penance or karma or anything. Its really life and sometimes life can punch us in the stomachs even when we are down already.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
