Different Pain.. What Can Help ??
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 161
Different Pain.. What Can Help ??
My fiance left me due to my problematic drinking 5 days ago.. I haven't had a drink since and beer isn't even a thought on my mind.. The thought of drinking sickens me.
My problem is that my emptiness and sadness for losing her weighs far greater than any want of alcohol. I'm 32 been through a divorce and other break ups. But this one is a thousand times more difficult than any other.
There is a tiny chance that she may come back. She said I need to prove myself to her, but even then I don't know.. I put her through alot, she gave me chance after chance before..
What can I do to ease this pain? I told her I will give her space so she can figure things out and I can work on my sobriety..
My problem is that my emptiness and sadness for losing her weighs far greater than any want of alcohol. I'm 32 been through a divorce and other break ups. But this one is a thousand times more difficult than any other.
There is a tiny chance that she may come back. She said I need to prove myself to her, but even then I don't know.. I put her through alot, she gave me chance after chance before..
What can I do to ease this pain? I told her I will give her space so she can figure things out and I can work on my sobriety..
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I think all you can do is to be patient and to focus on your recovery.
I know how incredibly impatient I was when I stopped drinking. I wanted my family to understand, but they were on their own path and didn't want to talk about recovery. I had to be patient and allow for them to see that I had changed and it was very hard to get through that time.
I know how incredibly impatient I was when I stopped drinking. I wanted my family to understand, but they were on their own path and didn't want to talk about recovery. I had to be patient and allow for them to see that I had changed and it was very hard to get through that time.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
I have to agree with Anna. You have just got to be patient and suffer through it.
I know this is probably going to sound cruel but I think that this pain is necessary for you to experience in order to fully commit to remaining sober.
If your fiancee just got back with you right now your chances of slipping will probably increase which would leave you in a worst position than you are right now as it sounds like this is the last chance she will give you.
Come on here and post and read for support. Try some meetings, anything to quit.
The fact that she said you need to prove yourself to her indicates that there is hope as long as you don't mess up again.
Be strong. We are here for you.
I know this is probably going to sound cruel but I think that this pain is necessary for you to experience in order to fully commit to remaining sober.
If your fiancee just got back with you right now your chances of slipping will probably increase which would leave you in a worst position than you are right now as it sounds like this is the last chance she will give you.
Come on here and post and read for support. Try some meetings, anything to quit.
The fact that she said you need to prove yourself to her indicates that there is hope as long as you don't mess up again.
Be strong. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
That's a tough situation, one that I have been through and am still working on today. What I have learned is that families and loved ones respond much more through our actions than our words our intentions.
My love, intentions and words did not make any difference until I worked on myself first. In my case that was staying sober and doing something about it by getting a Sponsor and working the steps. Working on my sobriety keep me busy and helped me to keep my mind off things that I did not have any control over, like my loved ones. Having a higher power (God in my case) and being able to give my difficulties to my higher power helped a lot. I did it daily.
At five days this will be difficult for you to understand or accept with the pain that your feeling. Hang in there and get yourself busy with sobriety would be my suggestion.
My love, intentions and words did not make any difference until I worked on myself first. In my case that was staying sober and doing something about it by getting a Sponsor and working the steps. Working on my sobriety keep me busy and helped me to keep my mind off things that I did not have any control over, like my loved ones. Having a higher power (God in my case) and being able to give my difficulties to my higher power helped a lot. I did it daily.
At five days this will be difficult for you to understand or accept with the pain that your feeling. Hang in there and get yourself busy with sobriety would be my suggestion.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by SHawk25 
... What can I do to ease this pain? I told her I will give her space so she can figure things out and I can work on my sobriety..
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I think actions speak louder than words.
I agree with the others. Do what you have to do for yourself and your recovery.
If things work out than great. If they dont. Then it wasnt meant to be I guess.
But just remember. No matter what happens. All you can do is focus on you and getting better. And everything else in life should fall into place.
Dont do it for that reason alone. In a possible false hope. Or a maybe type thing.
Do it for you and to live a better life for you. Good luck
I agree with the others. Do what you have to do for yourself and your recovery.
If things work out than great. If they dont. Then it wasnt meant to be I guess.
But just remember. No matter what happens. All you can do is focus on you and getting better. And everything else in life should fall into place.
Dont do it for that reason alone. In a possible false hope. Or a maybe type thing.
Do it for you and to live a better life for you. Good luck
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
My own experience.
14 months ago, I quit drinking in part because I was scared of losing my family and my job. However, I was told over & over that I had to want to quit drinking for myself. I didn't really get it until I read a post on SR that said that once the fear is gone, I would likely drink again. In the long-run, fear-based sobriety doesn't work.
In my lifetime, I have promised my wife dozens of times that I would quit only to go back to drinking. There was no trust (for obvious reasons). This time, I simply promised that I would do my best to quit. I sucked it up and joined AA, worked through the steps, and attend meetings. I read spiritual & recovery books. I keep her updated on what I am learning and when I am struggling. I am becoming a better man and earning her trust back. This is all tangible evidence that I am serious about my sobriety, that it's not just another hollow promise. I think it helps that she can see the effort that I am making.
I'm not saying that you have to join AA either for your fiance or for yourself. But from an external point of view, a question that comes to mind is "what makes this time any different"?
Patience, communication, and action. It's what works for me.
Best wishes.
14 months ago, I quit drinking in part because I was scared of losing my family and my job. However, I was told over & over that I had to want to quit drinking for myself. I didn't really get it until I read a post on SR that said that once the fear is gone, I would likely drink again. In the long-run, fear-based sobriety doesn't work.
In my lifetime, I have promised my wife dozens of times that I would quit only to go back to drinking. There was no trust (for obvious reasons). This time, I simply promised that I would do my best to quit. I sucked it up and joined AA, worked through the steps, and attend meetings. I read spiritual & recovery books. I keep her updated on what I am learning and when I am struggling. I am becoming a better man and earning her trust back. This is all tangible evidence that I am serious about my sobriety, that it's not just another hollow promise. I think it helps that she can see the effort that I am making.
I'm not saying that you have to join AA either for your fiance or for yourself. But from an external point of view, a question that comes to mind is "what makes this time any different"?
Patience, communication, and action. It's what works for me.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
I am unsure if you are asking how you can ease the pain or how you can get your life back, but I think the answer to both of these questions is to remain sober. I don't know about you but when I drank I would feel any despair much, much deeper. The only way I've been able to regain my husband and son's trust is by not drinking. Self confidence will come back too and all of this will be a good package for her, but more importantly for you. You have to do it for you any ways, but I am sure you knew that.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
The only thing that you can control right now is you. Your fiance left because of your drinking, right? So, just for today, don't drink.
It's like most everyone has said, you have to do this for you. I tried doing it for every one else, for jobs, to stay out of jail, . . . you name it. But until I did it for myself, nothing worked.
In time, if you are doing the right thing, staying clean and working on a Program of Recovery, everyone in your life will see this. But it takes time. Just like it took time for her to get fed up, it's going to take time for her to see that you are changing. Not just putting on a show for her.
Keep coming here, reading, posting, sharing. Get to Meetings, build up face to face support as well. Eventually, your life will fall into place. No, you getting into Recovery isn't a guarantee she will come back and you will live happily ever after, but the chances are alot better this way.
God Bless,
Judy
It's like most everyone has said, you have to do this for you. I tried doing it for every one else, for jobs, to stay out of jail, . . . you name it. But until I did it for myself, nothing worked.
In time, if you are doing the right thing, staying clean and working on a Program of Recovery, everyone in your life will see this. But it takes time. Just like it took time for her to get fed up, it's going to take time for her to see that you are changing. Not just putting on a show for her.
Keep coming here, reading, posting, sharing. Get to Meetings, build up face to face support as well. Eventually, your life will fall into place. No, you getting into Recovery isn't a guarantee she will come back and you will live happily ever after, but the chances are alot better this way.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 69
Chynita is exactly right. Focus minute by minute on recovery. Look straight ahead towards that goal (sobriety & you and your lovely wife). When your actions are consistent with your intentions, she will notice.
I had to prove myself to my wife with a drinking problem about 10 years ago. All you can do is do it minute by minute, day by day. That may seem monotonous, but it is pure joy when those slow minutes are helping to re-establish you as a person and your relationship. The prize is worth it!
I had to prove myself to my wife with a drinking problem about 10 years ago. All you can do is do it minute by minute, day by day. That may seem monotonous, but it is pure joy when those slow minutes are helping to re-establish you as a person and your relationship. The prize is worth it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by mle-sober
What does you working on your sobriety look like to you? When you say that, what do you mean?
But what I am going to do is to quit drinking for good.. For me, not just her... These past few days I've been thinking about the last decade of my life and how much beer basically ruined it. I wanna be the person I was before I started drinking again.
The route I am taking for sobriety is that I come on here alot, love this site. Also I reconnected with an old friend who counsels teens drinking. He is basically my sponsor. And just me knowing I don't want to go back to being the person who had to drink to have fun..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 666
Break ups are tough. When I was drinking I used them as excuses to keep drinking. Then, in sobriety, another relationship ended. Not because of drinking, but because of me. I was devastated. How could this have happened to me? sober!
I realized that I had to change. The booze was gone, but the alcoholic and his self-centered childish behavior remained.
I immersed myself in the steps of AA, and I let that woman go. For once I didn't chase the relationship, I did everything that was asked and required when doing the steps.
The steps allowed me to take a real look at myself, my behabviors, my fears, doubts, insecurities... all the things that had sabotaged all of the relationships I've ever been in.
My life got better... I got better (I like to think). That woman that walked away? She's sleeping in the next room right now. Snuggled next to her are my 4 year-old princees Sheila, and young shortstop in the making Liam (aged 2).
Talk to your counselor friend... things have a way of working out. Best wishes and keep posting.
Mike
I realized that I had to change. The booze was gone, but the alcoholic and his self-centered childish behavior remained.
I immersed myself in the steps of AA, and I let that woman go. For once I didn't chase the relationship, I did everything that was asked and required when doing the steps.
The steps allowed me to take a real look at myself, my behabviors, my fears, doubts, insecurities... all the things that had sabotaged all of the relationships I've ever been in.
My life got better... I got better (I like to think). That woman that walked away? She's sleeping in the next room right now. Snuggled next to her are my 4 year-old princees Sheila, and young shortstop in the making Liam (aged 2).
Talk to your counselor friend... things have a way of working out. Best wishes and keep posting.
Mike
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
For me, not drinking was a very small part of learning how to be a sober person. I had to make new friends, drop some toxic people out of my life, find new activities, learn about myself, truley LIVE sober, not just 'be' sober. When I first quit, I thought that alcohol was my only issue. I thought if I just quit drinking, everything else would fall back into place.. my health, my relationships, my life. Ha... life still happens, sober or drunk, and we have work to do on that part, every single day. Sometimes I think the 'not drinking' part is almost easy.. it's learning to live that's got me feeling like an infant with new senses all the time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Currently Mexico City
Posts: 20
I can relate fully SHawk25. My wife threatened to divorce me, because she couldn't stand my drinking. Did I now have two problems - drinking and her leaving me? (And another reason to continue?) No, there was only one problem - my drinking! She was just desperate and miserable, and ashamed to see me like this. She was just over the edge. She asked me if I would have liked to change places with her. Well, that was really a thought. Hell no! I actually had a girlfriend once who was drinking heavier than me at that time, so I should have known how difficult it was for my wife, but I did not admit it to myself until I got a really loud wake-up call.
Hang in there, and yeah, this is a really good place to be!
Hang in there, and yeah, this is a really good place to be!
Last edited by larssonc; 03-14-2009 at 04:07 PM. Reason: clarifications
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by SHawk25
Not sure what you're asking..
But what I am going to do is to quit drinking for good.. For me, not just her... These past few days I've been thinking about the last decade of my life and how much beer basically ruined it. I wanna be the person I was before I started drinking again.
The route I am taking for sobriety is that I come on here alot, love this site. Also I reconnected with an old friend who counsels teens drinking. He is basically my sponsor. And just me knowing I don't want to go back to being the person who had to drink to have fun..
But what I am going to do is to quit drinking for good.. For me, not just her... These past few days I've been thinking about the last decade of my life and how much beer basically ruined it. I wanna be the person I was before I started drinking again.
The route I am taking for sobriety is that I come on here alot, love this site. Also I reconnected with an old friend who counsels teens drinking. He is basically my sponsor. And just me knowing I don't want to go back to being the person who had to drink to have fun..
Quitting drinking is a step, for sure. But you have indicated that you think you only drink mostly on the weekends out with friends and that you have a "problem" with alcohol, not that you're an alcoholic. You say you have no desire to drink at all now. And your sadness and consternation has so much to do with the absence of your girl friend in your life. Seemingly more than the absence of alcohol in your life.
I'm challenging you a little, here. My questions are: Do you think you are an alcoholic? Do you think that if your girl friend returned to you, you would no longer have a problem? Why do you think you drank in the first place? What did alcohol do for you? What do you think will take the place of alcohol in your life? Do you believe that will-power and regret will keep you sober?
I don't have the answers to those questions. But what I am trying to do is to tell you (gently) that I am a little afraid for your sobriety. It sometimes sounds, from your posts, that you are really really sad about the loss of your girlfriend and that you are willing to do anything. But that the deeper role of alcohol in your life is not being given as much attention as the loss of your girlfriend.
I don't know if your inclined toward AA at all but, it's helped me immensely.
I am watching your story closely and supporting you from afar. I know you're in a lot of pain right now. I hope you can see this as an enormous opportunity to make really positive, although difficult, changes in your life.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Originally Posted by mle-sober
The way we talk about it is that we say we are "WORKING" on our sobriety.
Quitting drinking is a step, for sure. But you have indicated that you think you only drink mostly on the weekends out with friends and that you have a "problem" with alcohol, not that you're an alcoholic. You say you have no desire to drink at all now. And your sadness and consternation has so much to do with the absence of your girl friend in your life. Seemingly more than the absence of alcohol in your life.
I'm challenging you a little, here. My questions are: Do you think you are an alcoholic? Do you think that if your girl friend returned to you, you would no longer have a problem? Why do you think you drank in the first place? What did alcohol do for you? What do you think will take the place of alcohol in your life? Do you believe that will-power and regret will keep you sober?
I don't have the answers to those questions. But what I am trying to do is to tell you (gently) that I am a little afraid for your sobriety. It sometimes sounds, from your posts, that you are really really sad about the loss of your girlfriend and that you are willing to do anything. But that the deeper role of alcohol in your life is not being given as much attention as the loss of your girlfriend.
I don't know if your inclined toward AA at all but, it's helped me immensely.
I am watching your story closely and supporting you from afar. I know you're in a lot of pain right now. I hope you can see this as an enormous opportunity to make really positive, although difficult, changes in your life.
Quitting drinking is a step, for sure. But you have indicated that you think you only drink mostly on the weekends out with friends and that you have a "problem" with alcohol, not that you're an alcoholic. You say you have no desire to drink at all now. And your sadness and consternation has so much to do with the absence of your girl friend in your life. Seemingly more than the absence of alcohol in your life.
I'm challenging you a little, here. My questions are: Do you think you are an alcoholic? Do you think that if your girl friend returned to you, you would no longer have a problem? Why do you think you drank in the first place? What did alcohol do for you? What do you think will take the place of alcohol in your life? Do you believe that will-power and regret will keep you sober?
I don't have the answers to those questions. But what I am trying to do is to tell you (gently) that I am a little afraid for your sobriety. It sometimes sounds, from your posts, that you are really really sad about the loss of your girlfriend and that you are willing to do anything. But that the deeper role of alcohol in your life is not being given as much attention as the loss of your girlfriend.
I don't know if your inclined toward AA at all but, it's helped me immensely.
I am watching your story closely and supporting you from afar. I know you're in a lot of pain right now. I hope you can see this as an enormous opportunity to make really positive, although difficult, changes in your life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 69
One thing I remember doing with my beer money is...I went and bought something else...something me and my wife could both benefit from the first weekend I quit. That may seem like a small thing, but it is just one of the things I did instead of drinking that helped in that fledgling time.
Another thing I reflected on long ago is the fact that I never found anything I was looking for at the bottom of any bottle or can I emptied. They were always full of deceit. I felt pretty damn ripped off considering that.
After 10 years without alcohol, i am amazed at how my life has blossomed into the dream I had before I got married. Yes, there have been other challenges, but there will be challenges occasionally in anyone's life. An alcohol free life is absolute true freedom. I am so thankful.
You are starting on a journey to realizing those dreams you have of life with your wife. Best of luck. I hope so much that you can enjoy the sober life you desire. ,,,same for your wife to be. YOU CAN DO IT.
Another thing I reflected on long ago is the fact that I never found anything I was looking for at the bottom of any bottle or can I emptied. They were always full of deceit. I felt pretty damn ripped off considering that.
After 10 years without alcohol, i am amazed at how my life has blossomed into the dream I had before I got married. Yes, there have been other challenges, but there will be challenges occasionally in anyone's life. An alcohol free life is absolute true freedom. I am so thankful.
You are starting on a journey to realizing those dreams you have of life with your wife. Best of luck. I hope so much that you can enjoy the sober life you desire. ,,,same for your wife to be. YOU CAN DO IT.
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