Letting Go
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Letting Go
It's been a couple of months now since I finally made up my mind that I've paid my dues, done my time, and now it was time to just plain throw in the towel.
I don't know how or why it happened, but it just did. One day when my son was gone for 24 hours with no word, I just told myself nothing had changed. He was recently out of prison, and heading right back.
I made up my mind that if he wasn't going to be a productive human being what in the heck would be the difference where he was, that is jail/prison or on the streets. In fact, I decided that jail/prison would be better for him because at least he couldn't hurt anyone or himself.
The day came after a huge screaming bout over the phone. He was totally disrespectful again, and I knew he was on drugs.
I shared that day with you before, but in the event you don't remember, it was the day I threatened to call his PO and tell him what I thought was going on. He told me to do it!! I didn't, but 15 minutes later the PO was at my door. I made no excuses for my son. I told him I thought he was doing drugs and not following his parole agreement i.e., going to meetings, etc.
The PO told me to get him on the phone. I did, and let me tell you he was shocked that I had called the PO. (which I didn't) That was a turn around point for him and for me.
Two months have passed and you wouldn't believe the change in him. His attitude is great. He looks great. His sense of humor is back, but most of all he is started to take care of business.
Yesterday he got a new PO and when I said it was too bad (the other one was so nice) he replied "he's an ok guy. Besides, if I'm not doing anything wrong, he can't violate me right?" HELLO??? Did that come out of his mouth?
Anyway, the moral of the story here is it is true when you "LET GO" God steps in and takes over! I have come to the conclusion that He has been waiting for me to LET GO so He could have a try at it. Guess He is doing better job than I did.
In the meantime, he has not asked me for one thing which is very good! No money, no favors, no erands to run for him, nothing! That is a huge improvement. I think he knows better than to ask me because my answer would more than likely be no, depending on the circumstance.
I know this is long, but I hope that all of you that have broken hearts and broken dreams can come to that good place with me and let go of the worries and what if's and let your HP take over.
I know it's only been two months and we have years to go, but I take it one day at a time and am thankful for each good day.
Hugs, Devastated
I don't know how or why it happened, but it just did. One day when my son was gone for 24 hours with no word, I just told myself nothing had changed. He was recently out of prison, and heading right back.
I made up my mind that if he wasn't going to be a productive human being what in the heck would be the difference where he was, that is jail/prison or on the streets. In fact, I decided that jail/prison would be better for him because at least he couldn't hurt anyone or himself.
The day came after a huge screaming bout over the phone. He was totally disrespectful again, and I knew he was on drugs.
I shared that day with you before, but in the event you don't remember, it was the day I threatened to call his PO and tell him what I thought was going on. He told me to do it!! I didn't, but 15 minutes later the PO was at my door. I made no excuses for my son. I told him I thought he was doing drugs and not following his parole agreement i.e., going to meetings, etc.
The PO told me to get him on the phone. I did, and let me tell you he was shocked that I had called the PO. (which I didn't) That was a turn around point for him and for me.
Two months have passed and you wouldn't believe the change in him. His attitude is great. He looks great. His sense of humor is back, but most of all he is started to take care of business.
Yesterday he got a new PO and when I said it was too bad (the other one was so nice) he replied "he's an ok guy. Besides, if I'm not doing anything wrong, he can't violate me right?" HELLO??? Did that come out of his mouth?
Anyway, the moral of the story here is it is true when you "LET GO" God steps in and takes over! I have come to the conclusion that He has been waiting for me to LET GO so He could have a try at it. Guess He is doing better job than I did.
In the meantime, he has not asked me for one thing which is very good! No money, no favors, no erands to run for him, nothing! That is a huge improvement. I think he knows better than to ask me because my answer would more than likely be no, depending on the circumstance.
I know this is long, but I hope that all of you that have broken hearts and broken dreams can come to that good place with me and let go of the worries and what if's and let your HP take over.
I know it's only been two months and we have years to go, but I take it one day at a time and am thankful for each good day.
Hugs, Devastated
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Dev
thank you for sharing that.............letting go is the most difficult part.
When we start to get that I am beginning to believe thats when we can start to heal.........or recover
and learning Very slowly I must say~~to let go is my battle right now.
thanks again
thank you for sharing that.............letting go is the most difficult part.
When we start to get that I am beginning to believe thats when we can start to heal.........or recover
and learning Very slowly I must say~~to let go is my battle right now.thanks again
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Dev,
Thanks for sharing _your story_ and about how your son is doing 'on his own' and finding his way. I remember how hard it was for me to let go of my son and although I know that it was not my action that brought him around- I do know that by stepping out of the way he was forced to face life on life's terms. Things had to get pretty bad before he got serious about recovery.
Any amount of recovery that a loved one has is cause for joy- I'm thrilled to hear that your son has been sticking with it these past two months. I've had a similar experience as you- being a mom who had to let go.
These days, I never stop being thankful that my son finally had enough and is coming close to a three year anniversary.
God bless you for sharing your ESH and for offering such wonderful encouragement to all the friends and family members of addicts here on this forum.
Thanks for sharing _your story_ and about how your son is doing 'on his own' and finding his way. I remember how hard it was for me to let go of my son and although I know that it was not my action that brought him around- I do know that by stepping out of the way he was forced to face life on life's terms. Things had to get pretty bad before he got serious about recovery.
Any amount of recovery that a loved one has is cause for joy- I'm thrilled to hear that your son has been sticking with it these past two months. I've had a similar experience as you- being a mom who had to let go.
These days, I never stop being thankful that my son finally had enough and is coming close to a three year anniversary.
God bless you for sharing your ESH and for offering such wonderful encouragement to all the friends and family members of addicts here on this forum.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dev, I am so glad you have felt the peace and freedom of letting go.
I remember thinking if I just hung on to my son, drove him to meetings, let him live at home where I could keep an eye on him, played Codie Detective to find "evidence" when I suspected he was using and gave him a safe place to live in a home with lots of love...that I could drag him into sobriety and recovery.
The truth is, it never works that way. When we hang on that tight we just get dragged into hell with them because addiction is bigger than we are and stronger than even a mother's love.
I think I heard God sigh with relief when I finally asked Him to take over, when I told Him that I could not live one more day like that and that my son was now in His care.
Your son is in my prayers each night, and I KNOW God listens to Codie prayers and loves ALL His children, including His addicted ones.
I'm sending you big hugs and lots of love because I know you worked hard to get to the good place you are in today. And, of course, special hugs for my favourite Italian chef, Mr. Dev, from that foxy Canadian lady
I remember thinking if I just hung on to my son, drove him to meetings, let him live at home where I could keep an eye on him, played Codie Detective to find "evidence" when I suspected he was using and gave him a safe place to live in a home with lots of love...that I could drag him into sobriety and recovery.
The truth is, it never works that way. When we hang on that tight we just get dragged into hell with them because addiction is bigger than we are and stronger than even a mother's love.
I think I heard God sigh with relief when I finally asked Him to take over, when I told Him that I could not live one more day like that and that my son was now in His care.
Your son is in my prayers each night, and I KNOW God listens to Codie prayers and loves ALL His children, including His addicted ones.
I'm sending you big hugs and lots of love because I know you worked hard to get to the good place you are in today. And, of course, special hugs for my favourite Italian chef, Mr. Dev, from that foxy Canadian lady
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
I am so glad to hear you son is doing well. I pray that one day I can post a similiar post, although my son is in rehab I am not at all sure he is through with drugs and lots of days I see no hope but posts like yours gives me some hope for the future. thank you and keep up the good work.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 161
Hi Dev. You and your family have come a loooonnnnngggg way. I'm just thrilled that your son is doing so well.
What a revelation, for someone to realize that if they are doing nothing wrong; there won't be a problem.
Continuing to pray for you all.
What a revelation, for someone to realize that if they are doing nothing wrong; there won't be a problem.
Continuing to pray for you all.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi dev, Its great to hear your son is doing so well.....and thats partly because of your attitude I'm sure. It is a long road but this story is a good one and fun to read...prayers that he keeps up the good work. Smiles, Bonnie
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
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Hi Dev, Thanks for sharing your ESH. It's great news to hear that your son is doing well in his own recovery and that you also are stepping back from the codie disease. That seems to be one the the hardest lessons that we codie Moms have to learn.
Hugs,
Chris
That seems to be one the the hardest lessons that we codie Moms have to learn.Hugs,
Chris
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Thanks for all your good wishes, prayers and hope. Without all the support I've received on this forum I know I wouldn't have been in the place I am today. Even though Ann kept telling me over and over that things would get better. Thanks, Ann. Thanks for being there when I was overcome with fear when my son announced he was homeless and was going to make his home in his storage unit! Oh how scared I was that he wouldn't be able to breath because there weren't any windows! lol
As I said before, this is by no means a success story yet!! As we all know, it takes being clean years before we can relax; however, what I really wanted to stress here is the fact that I really do believe we all should step out of God's way and let Him and our children's destiny just take over.
What a difficult lesson this is for us to learn. It is just so hard to step back and stay out of the way!! I wish I had listened to Mr. Dev when my son was young maybe things would have turned out differently.
Most of all I wish I would not have been in such denial the first time I found evidence of drugs in his room!! WHY??? Why did I think it was just a phase!!
Oh well, my Mom use to say "if wishes were horses beggars would ride!" Whatever that meant! LOL It use to shut me up though!
Hugs,Dev
As I said before, this is by no means a success story yet!! As we all know, it takes being clean years before we can relax; however, what I really wanted to stress here is the fact that I really do believe we all should step out of God's way and let Him and our children's destiny just take over.
What a difficult lesson this is for us to learn. It is just so hard to step back and stay out of the way!! I wish I had listened to Mr. Dev when my son was young maybe things would have turned out differently.
Most of all I wish I would not have been in such denial the first time I found evidence of drugs in his room!! WHY??? Why did I think it was just a phase!!
Oh well, my Mom use to say "if wishes were horses beggars would ride!" Whatever that meant! LOL It use to shut me up though!
Hugs,Dev
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by devastated 
... I hope that all of you that have broken hearts and broken dreams can come to that good place with me and let go of the worries and what if's and let your HP take over.
:ghug3
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: NC
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Thank you so much, Dev, for sharing. I've been with my Addict Boyfriend for almost 4 years and I've never seriously tried to let go for good. I'm finally to that point where i really really really want to do it for good this time. Your post really opened my eyes and I pray that I can be as strong as you were.
I hope that your son continues to do well and continues on his path of sobriety!
I hope that your son continues to do well and continues on his path of sobriety!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Wonderful update - I love hearing when both the codie and the addict do well!
Its funny but i noticed when i started changing my behavior with my son from codie to detached my son felt it so much. To him it felt like mom didnt love him anymore. Its sad to me that i've taught my son that the way a mom loves is by running around controlling everything and poking her nose into things that she has no business in. I think that if he gets his life together we're going to have to start over and develop a whole new relationship.
Its funny but i noticed when i started changing my behavior with my son from codie to detached my son felt it so much. To him it felt like mom didnt love him anymore. Its sad to me that i've taught my son that the way a mom loves is by running around controlling everything and poking her nose into things that she has no business in. I think that if he gets his life together we're going to have to start over and develop a whole new relationship.
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Hi Winnie & Meggy
You know Winnie, I don't think that when you detach your son feels you don't love him. I think after a while he'll respect you more knowing he cannot push your buttons. I tell my son I love him all the time, as I'm sure you tell yours.
On the other hand, if that's what he thinks I guess you can't change that right? Remember, we can only change what we do, say or think, not others. All we can do is reinforce the fact that we do love them, but will not tolerate this type of behavior any longer.
meggy, when you're ready to "let go" you will! It took me at least 30 years, so I really can't take credit for being strong. One day it just finally hits you.
Remember, this is by no means a success story. He is still clean, but it's only been a matter of a couple of months! It takes years and years of being clean before one can say Thank God! He was clean and sober for 5 years once and did a complete turn around. He was so successful had everything going for him. Even was caught up with child support. Then, bang, right back down again losing everything for a second time.
Maybe we can just hurry things along by Letting Go!
Hugs & Prayers, Devastated
On the other hand, if that's what he thinks I guess you can't change that right? Remember, we can only change what we do, say or think, not others. All we can do is reinforce the fact that we do love them, but will not tolerate this type of behavior any longer.
meggy, when you're ready to "let go" you will! It took me at least 30 years, so I really can't take credit for being strong. One day it just finally hits you.
Remember, this is by no means a success story. He is still clean, but it's only been a matter of a couple of months! It takes years and years of being clean before one can say Thank God! He was clean and sober for 5 years once and did a complete turn around. He was so successful had everything going for him. Even was caught up with child support. Then, bang, right back down again losing everything for a second time.
Maybe we can just hurry things along by Letting Go!
Hugs & Prayers, Devastated
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Originally Posted by devastated
You know Winnie, I don't think that when you detach your son feels you don't love him.
now he just knows that its different and that I'm different. In our last counseling session he said he used to be my friend and isnt anymore that now i'm just a tough mom. (of course you know the counselor was sneaking a smile and a wink at me.) I think he misses the fun times we used to have together - its hard now to just chill out with him and laugh - you cant make someone cry and worry 90% of the time and then be your buddy later. I explained and he understood why i have pulled back and knows its up to him to repair this. All I can say is if he thinks he's missed this love he has no idea how much i've missed it. He's my baby - crap now i'm gonna cry.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
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Posts: 3,909
oh, dev, i hope this is your sons time. i know when my son realized that i was not going to take any crap from him he started respecting me more. he quit asking me for things & for favors. he quit his mouthing & his blaming. i wish my son had hit his bottom before he got into all this trouble that is taking away these next 7-9 yrs. from himself,me & his children. you both have my prayers. hugs,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
This thread tickles my heart.
I will be forever grateful to those who went before me and stuck with me, walking by my side until I "got it". And it is another gift to be able to pass on that which was so freely given to me...even to a tough cookie like Dev who had her heels dug in deep. I think that's why I liked her right off the bat...she was the first I met here who was as "stuck" as I had been and I knew the day would come when she got unstuck and and just shine with the joy and peace that comes with recovery.
And I have to say that she has been a ton of fun, even in the worst of times. We laugh at our sons a little, but we laugh at ourselves a lot and I don't think I have ever laughed harder than on one of Dev's threads.
The storage shed condo...the sheet threadcount complaint from prison...and who could forget the prison wedding where we all bought striped dresses and boot with heels 2 feet high...and our trip to Dr. Phils that left him in a fetal position in the corner when we left...
All this is how recovery works, one codie helping another. And I have feeling that there is at least one newcomer here on this thread, who will learn something valuable from Dev. that will be significant in her recovery...and then one day she will pass it on too.
It's a beautiful thing, recovery, and a lot of fun too.
Love you, Dev, for being the fantabulous person you are
I will be forever grateful to those who went before me and stuck with me, walking by my side until I "got it". And it is another gift to be able to pass on that which was so freely given to me...even to a tough cookie like Dev who had her heels dug in deep. I think that's why I liked her right off the bat...she was the first I met here who was as "stuck" as I had been and I knew the day would come when she got unstuck and and just shine with the joy and peace that comes with recovery.
And I have to say that she has been a ton of fun, even in the worst of times. We laugh at our sons a little, but we laugh at ourselves a lot and I don't think I have ever laughed harder than on one of Dev's threads.
The storage shed condo...the sheet threadcount complaint from prison...and who could forget the prison wedding where we all bought striped dresses and boot with heels 2 feet high...and our trip to Dr. Phils that left him in a fetal position in the corner when we left...
All this is how recovery works, one codie helping another. And I have feeling that there is at least one newcomer here on this thread, who will learn something valuable from Dev. that will be significant in her recovery...and then one day she will pass it on too.
It's a beautiful thing, recovery, and a lot of fun too.
Love you, Dev, for being the fantabulous person you are
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
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Oh Ann I love you so much! You know without you there by my side, I would have gone over the edge!! Thank the Lord God lead me to you. You saved me.
The laughs we have had!! OMG! I just remember being so distraught when my son decided to live in the storage unit "condo". You got me right through that crisis with a laugh. Oh, the wedding was the best! Shoot, I still have my dress, how about you? The thread count OMG hysterical!
I'll always remember you saying "I promise things will get better!" I also remember you threatening me a time or two with the "bunny slippers!" The one with the big cleats!
Remember the time the mailman asked "who do you know in San Quentin?" By this time I had my "big girl panties on" and looked right at him and said, "my son!" The look on his face was that of pure shock! When he was able to speak again he said, "for what?" Without missing a beat I replied, "he killed our last mailman!" He never spoke to me again! LOL When I told Mr. Dev, he said, "Oh mamma, looka whata you done now!"
I only wish I could help others as you and the others helped me. Sure took me long enough to catch on huh?
Hope213, I know exactly what you're feeling. If only they would have learned sooner! Nothing we could say or do that would change that outcome! You know we did everything but turn blue for them! Just pray once this is over, there will no more bad times.
Dslalonde...maybe you can't let go today, but as Ann once said to me, "it will get better I promise you!" It takes a lot of pratice believe me. It just seems the less you are concerned about what they should do or not do, the more responsible they become. Keep on practicing!!
Hugs to you all, Devastated
The laughs we have had!! OMG! I just remember being so distraught when my son decided to live in the storage unit "condo". You got me right through that crisis with a laugh. Oh, the wedding was the best! Shoot, I still have my dress, how about you? The thread count OMG hysterical!
I'll always remember you saying "I promise things will get better!" I also remember you threatening me a time or two with the "bunny slippers!" The one with the big cleats!
Remember the time the mailman asked "who do you know in San Quentin?" By this time I had my "big girl panties on" and looked right at him and said, "my son!" The look on his face was that of pure shock! When he was able to speak again he said, "for what?" Without missing a beat I replied, "he killed our last mailman!" He never spoke to me again! LOL When I told Mr. Dev, he said, "Oh mamma, looka whata you done now!"
I only wish I could help others as you and the others helped me. Sure took me long enough to catch on huh?
Hope213, I know exactly what you're feeling. If only they would have learned sooner! Nothing we could say or do that would change that outcome! You know we did everything but turn blue for them! Just pray once this is over, there will no more bad times.
Dslalonde...maybe you can't let go today, but as Ann once said to me, "it will get better I promise you!" It takes a lot of pratice believe me. It just seems the less you are concerned about what they should do or not do, the more responsible they become. Keep on practicing!!
Hugs to you all, Devastated
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