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Better to surrender than fight

Old 03-13-2009, 12:36 PM
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Better to surrender than fight

Ive been coming here to SR since 2005. Originally because I thought drugs were my problem even though ive been drinking for 30 years. I was able to stop the drugs and have been off them 16 months now. I knew drinking was a problem and I needed to do something. Over and over people kept telling me to get my butt to some meetings, but the addict in me wouldnt allow it. I recently met someone who also has a problem and wanted desperately to go to a meeting. I told her I wasnt into it, but if she wanted I would gladly go with her if it would make her more comfortable. Anyway it made it wasier for me to go cause in the back of my mind I wasnt going cause I had a problem I was going for her. Yea right!
The first meeting we went to I was to busy looking around and trying to analyze everything to listen, but we wnt to another meeting. I got settled in and I listened. We both listened. We both cried and we have been trying to hit 1 meeting a day.
I dont know why it took me so long. I dont know why I wasnt willing to go for myself but I would go to help someone else. Whatever Im just glad I made it. I met some new great and caring people, got a bunch of #s and although im still drinking I feel free cause I see hope for myself through the people that have been able to embrace the program and gotten better.
IM drinking not because I want to, but because I physically need to. So I put a call into the detox center by me and Im waiting for them to call me back when there is a bed available. Im scared and dont want to go, but I think im gonna just friggin go and get it over with instead of continually suffering. Drinking has been making me severely sick.
If anyone is reading this that questions AAs methods I strongly urge you to reconsider. Just give it a try. No need to suffer as long as I have. I have been trying to quit since I am 16 I am now 47 and I finally see some true light at the end of the tunnel.
I dont have to live in this prison anymore and I am very grateful for my new sober friends.
I wish I could have listened earlier!!!!!!! I just wasnt getting it.

Ive been fighting and could never win and so......... I SURRENDER!
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Old 03-13-2009, 02:38 PM
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Good to see you back Beth - and great to hear the change.
I hope the Detox thing comes up ASAP

hugs
D
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Old 03-13-2009, 03:15 PM
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What a great post. Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to reading more from you after your detox. Recovery is truly an amazing adventure for me - lighting up my whole life in ways I never imagined possible.
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Old 03-13-2009, 03:30 PM
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Wow Beth.
I dont care what your initial intention was. It obviously had an impact on you and got you moving in the right direction for the right reason now.
I am so happy to hear this.
OMG..You have no idea how happy I am.
I think this is the first time I have seen you do something other than white knuckle it. And I am so relieved.
I get a feeling of surrender in your post. I realy hope this will be the time for you.
You deserve it and are so worht it.
I am always here for you. ((Beth))
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Old 03-13-2009, 04:26 PM
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IM on my way to an 8oclock and I dont feel like going playing the guitar and in a groove, but im going anyway. I can see this wont be easy, but whatever it is what it is and im going for it
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Old 03-13-2009, 04:27 PM
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Go for it! You can do this!
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Old 03-13-2009, 04:31 PM
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if it's a good groove it'll still be there when you get back B
D
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Old 03-13-2009, 07:05 PM
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The groove is gone and im absolutely pissy. This mornings meeting had me elated tonight, not so much. I went with my partner who found the meeting inspirational. I on the other hand am totally pissed and not quite sure why. Anyway since we got home its been a cold war. I was just told "if you want to talk im here". truth is I dont feel like talking. Im really cocooning. Feel better to be here though
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Old 03-13-2009, 07:11 PM
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Talk it out if you want..I am here. Yell, cuss, scream, rant. Do what you gotta do. Dont isolate and shut down tho. Thast not good. We all have those days where it turns around at the drop of a hat. Alot of times when that happens to me. I ahev no idea why either. It just is what it is. Just recognize it and dont back slide. Go punch a pillow if you have to.
But dont act out negatively. You know we are here for you whenever you need us.
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Old 03-13-2009, 09:35 PM
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Thanks Trish. Yea I tend to get stuck in the negative. I came out of my shell opened up and im feeling a little better. The funk stems from fear I am sure. I need to focus on the one day at a time consciousness. Im driving myself crazy the way Im going now. Not to mention the people around me. Ive been processing the meeting and I know the problem wasnt the meetine itself, I just shut doan when I got there and then it was all over. I got really angry went back to being that person I havent been in awhile. That attitude when I was drugging came right back and I guess it scared me.
Tomorrow is another day so Im just trying to chill for now.
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Old 03-13-2009, 09:38 PM
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Good for you. Its good to recognize what the problem is if possible. I know I will be in a mood just because soemtimes.
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Old 03-13-2009, 09:39 PM
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Your skill at analysing yourself is really coming along B.
Just ride it out and do the next right thing as they say - don't let your fear rule you.

And grooves are like buses - none for a while, then 6 at once LOL

D
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Old 03-13-2009, 09:48 PM
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Welcome back Beth....
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Old 03-13-2009, 10:01 PM
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Only when i held my hands up and surrendered did i get sober...

Fighting with my supposed "power" ended with "another trip round the block"..

There aint no fight.....fight to me means white knuckling it.

After a time in aa i realized i wasnt powerful against alcohol...in fact i was actually powerless..

Accepting that powerless was actually a relief.....for me anyhow.

great post..thanks
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Old 03-13-2009, 10:10 PM
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Been white knuckling to long
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Old 03-13-2009, 10:37 PM
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I agree Beth. And the same goes for myself. White knuckling anyhting is tirture and not effective in most cases.
I hear progress and acceptance in you here. I hope you finally ready to try another way besides your way. We have seen you get a good amount of time on your own. Imagine how well you will do when you put a program or some type of support network in place. I think it is a recipe for success IMO.
I have watched you go through some really tough times. And you always keep trying. Even when it looked like you were ready to give up. You always come back ready to give it another go. I have faith you are goin to make it stick here soon.
Your always very honest about where you are in life and what your feeling. Even when you know it may cause some to question your seriousness of wanting to get better. Honesty, strength and persistance is what I see in you. Put all that into a good recovery and you will be on your way. I just know it.
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Old 03-14-2009, 03:20 AM
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good wishes beth...
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Old 03-14-2009, 04:22 AM
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Hi Beth, you are in my prayers and my heart. My youngest daughter is named Beth, the last of my "little women", so I am praying extra hard for you at this time.

God bless you
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Old 03-14-2009, 05:46 AM
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Good to see you back Beth and feeling more positive about your recovery. Welcome back!:ghug3
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Old 03-14-2009, 10:53 AM
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detox cant happen soon enough. I am really depressed about being sick and tired everyday. Im trying to keep the drinking to a minimum, but it really isnt working once I have one iots basically all over. I shake so bad in the AM and feel so sick i have to drink. I wanted to try and detox here, but Pat wont let me too scared something is going to happen to me. Seizure etc... Going to another meeting tonight hoping it will go better than last night.
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