What makes me any better than my addict?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
What makes me any better than my addict?
Heres the question, and how it came about.
I was sitting in my Psych class, and we were talking about mental illnesses.
We have already covered addiction.
During class - my classmates were asking if these "disorders" (mental illness conditions) are "cureable". My professor said - some are "manageable" but the condition can and may cause the person problems for a life time. Some have it worse than others......
She then compared it to the stuggle addicts have... she said "it's like saying to a depressed person, JUST GET UP AND GET GOING!!!! - they physically can't they are DEPRESSED!! It is a condition that they can't control."
Then she said... "it's like addiction, this is a condition where you can't simply say... HEY STOP DOING LINES..... THIS IS KILLING YOU!.....it dosen't work that way, its not that easy. and the struggle will always be there for them as well."
SOOOOOO, I got to thinking about my chronic panic attacks. My abf has to deal with me crying on planes (and avoiding them like the plauge) - beggin him to come with me - when I have to go on long business trips, because I "cant" do the drive by myself without having one.....
I guess I manage with them o.k.... but it does affect my life, and his to an extent.
Would people tell him to leave me because of it?
Am I not deserving of love and support from him- over something I have very little control of?
What are your thoughts....
Love,
Cessy
I was sitting in my Psych class, and we were talking about mental illnesses.
We have already covered addiction.
During class - my classmates were asking if these "disorders" (mental illness conditions) are "cureable". My professor said - some are "manageable" but the condition can and may cause the person problems for a life time. Some have it worse than others......
She then compared it to the stuggle addicts have... she said "it's like saying to a depressed person, JUST GET UP AND GET GOING!!!! - they physically can't they are DEPRESSED!! It is a condition that they can't control."
Then she said... "it's like addiction, this is a condition where you can't simply say... HEY STOP DOING LINES..... THIS IS KILLING YOU!.....it dosen't work that way, its not that easy. and the struggle will always be there for them as well."
SOOOOOO, I got to thinking about my chronic panic attacks. My abf has to deal with me crying on planes (and avoiding them like the plauge) - beggin him to come with me - when I have to go on long business trips, because I "cant" do the drive by myself without having one.....
I guess I manage with them o.k.... but it does affect my life, and his to an extent.
Would people tell him to leave me because of it?
Am I not deserving of love and support from him- over something I have very little control of?
What are your thoughts....
Love,
Cessy
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by cessy68 
Am I not deserving of love and support from him- over something I have very little control of?
He deserves it, too.
The question is: are you able to give each other that love and support without driving yourselves crazy?
How does he feel about your panic attacks?
Does he go with you to doctor's appointments or attend couple's counseling to deal with the problems that your fear of flying causes him?
Is he looking up psychiatrists for you and staying up late worrying about your condition?
How do you feel about his addiction?
Everybody comes into a relationship with a set of positive attributes and a set of not-so-pleasant qualities - it's about what's tolerable to you.
It's his job to decide if your panic attacks are deal-breakers for him. It's your job to decide if his addiction-related behaviors are deal-breakers for you.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
my first thoughts are
do your panic attacks cause you to lie cheat steal or put him in harms way emotionally financially or physically?
If your issues caused those things in his life then yeah he'd be better off to leave.
The thing is your psych instructor is correct.............addiciton and mental illness have no cures they are only managed.
If you take your medications to manage your mental illness then your doing SOMETHING to help yourself and your husband/boyfriend can be supportive but if you stop all meds and make his life heck and he's losing himself in YOUR illness simply because you refuse to manage it with medications therapy or a recovery program than who could fault him for Not sticking around.
no different than the diabetic......they have a disease and it can be managed but no cure...................
this person has no control over being a diabetic YET is the ONLY person that can control his disease................of course we are sympathetic loving and supportive but we dont hand them cheesecake or blame ourselves if they choose to eat cheesecake and not take their insulin
the addict has to WANT to manage their disease and its when they dont or continue to let the disease ruin their life and the lives of others that sometimes families have to run.......to save themselves
do your panic attacks cause you to lie cheat steal or put him in harms way emotionally financially or physically?
If your issues caused those things in his life then yeah he'd be better off to leave.
The thing is your psych instructor is correct.............addiciton and mental illness have no cures they are only managed.
If you take your medications to manage your mental illness then your doing SOMETHING to help yourself and your husband/boyfriend can be supportive but if you stop all meds and make his life heck and he's losing himself in YOUR illness simply because you refuse to manage it with medications therapy or a recovery program than who could fault him for Not sticking around.
no different than the diabetic......they have a disease and it can be managed but no cure...................
this person has no control over being a diabetic YET is the ONLY person that can control his disease................of course we are sympathetic loving and supportive but we dont hand them cheesecake or blame ourselves if they choose to eat cheesecake and not take their insulin
the addict has to WANT to manage their disease and its when they dont or continue to let the disease ruin their life and the lives of others that sometimes families have to run.......to save themselves
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Perhaps I'm wrong about this, but I don't think your panic attacks and your boyfriend's addiction can be compared.
Panic attacks are episodic and situational. Even though you go through hell each and every time you board a plane, you still do it because it's for your job. You understand the consequences of not going on that plane(losing you job, etc) so but you will go through all that and do it anyway. While it may be unsettling to those around you when it happens, they know that you'll be okay when the plane lands and you walk away from it.
The same can't be said for people with addictions.
A person with an addiction who succumbs to it can, and will, go through days, weeks, months or years of binges, without any regard for themselves, those closest to them or the ensuing consequences.
I can tell you that living with my AW: I would much rather deal with her having panic attacks than deal with all the fun that comes with dealing her addiction.
Just don't let anyone make you feel any less deserving...
my 2 pennies, anyway...
Panic attacks are episodic and situational. Even though you go through hell each and every time you board a plane, you still do it because it's for your job. You understand the consequences of not going on that plane(losing you job, etc) so but you will go through all that and do it anyway. While it may be unsettling to those around you when it happens, they know that you'll be okay when the plane lands and you walk away from it.
The same can't be said for people with addictions.
A person with an addiction who succumbs to it can, and will, go through days, weeks, months or years of binges, without any regard for themselves, those closest to them or the ensuing consequences.
I can tell you that living with my AW: I would much rather deal with her having panic attacks than deal with all the fun that comes with dealing her addiction.
Just don't let anyone make you feel any less deserving...
my 2 pennies, anyway...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Cessy:
A very thought provoking thread.
I agree with Liesagain.
Does your panic attacks cause you to lie cheat steal or harm your loved ones physically, mentally spiritually or financially?
I think that is the difference (JMO)
Gotahavfaith
A very thought provoking thread.
I agree with Liesagain.
Does your panic attacks cause you to lie cheat steal or harm your loved ones physically, mentally spiritually or financially?
I think that is the difference (JMO)
Gotahavfaith
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hi guys, thanks for the feedback.
Ya know, the first thing I felt when my professor was talking.... was- "oh, poor guy. It must be sooo hard, it would be like someone telling me to JUST get on the plane..."
I do see the difference, (and I believe that my therapist told me this a long time ago) that me having situational panic attacks, dosen't cause me to break my promises to him, they don't cause me to lie to him, they don't cause me to neglect my relationship with him, they don't cause him constant dissapointment or pain...)
I guess a part of me feels bad for him- (like anvil said)
A part of me feels bad about my fears of flying... or driving far- I feel like that causes me to accept things that I don't want in my life.
Perhaps I should examine that further.... ie, I met some really nice people on this web site, one person who I talk to almost daily now, I feel like could use a friend- geographiacly she lives far from me - 4hrs by plane. I wish at times I COULD JUST jump on a plane for a weekend and meet her in person, hang out.... but I can't. I just can't get on that plane by myself. I think that causes me to feel stuck alot....
I wonder if I could jump that fear fence, how 'free' I would feel. I wonder at times if I would take time 'away' for just me. I think then... I could free myself from him as well.
Maybe because I think my panic attack 'flaw' me, I tolerate his flaws.....
but I do see the difference like you all pointed out.
P.s.... I don't take medication for them. I live a normal life, I don't have any other issues, other than traveling..... urgh. This is how much of a non-addict I am, the doctor gave me xanax when I had to bring my daughter by plane to college... just in case. Of course the anti-drug girl I am, brought them with me. Flipped out on the plane(internally) no one noticed except my abf cause I was crying on his shoulder.
Guess who wound up taking the pills..................
For the love of god, is there anything he WOULDN'T take? He just fell asleep.
I told him afterwards, Xanax dosen't do anything for you hon, unless you have anxiety. other wise you will just go to sleep ya dope!! Thanks for staying awake for me in MY state of panic on the plane.....again - the selfishness.
Love,
Cessy
Ya know, the first thing I felt when my professor was talking.... was- "oh, poor guy. It must be sooo hard, it would be like someone telling me to JUST get on the plane..."
I do see the difference, (and I believe that my therapist told me this a long time ago) that me having situational panic attacks, dosen't cause me to break my promises to him, they don't cause me to lie to him, they don't cause me to neglect my relationship with him, they don't cause him constant dissapointment or pain...)
I guess a part of me feels bad for him- (like anvil said)
A part of me feels bad about my fears of flying... or driving far- I feel like that causes me to accept things that I don't want in my life.
Perhaps I should examine that further.... ie, I met some really nice people on this web site, one person who I talk to almost daily now, I feel like could use a friend- geographiacly she lives far from me - 4hrs by plane. I wish at times I COULD JUST jump on a plane for a weekend and meet her in person, hang out.... but I can't. I just can't get on that plane by myself. I think that causes me to feel stuck alot....
I wonder if I could jump that fear fence, how 'free' I would feel. I wonder at times if I would take time 'away' for just me. I think then... I could free myself from him as well.
Maybe because I think my panic attack 'flaw' me, I tolerate his flaws.....
but I do see the difference like you all pointed out.
P.s.... I don't take medication for them. I live a normal life, I don't have any other issues, other than traveling..... urgh. This is how much of a non-addict I am, the doctor gave me xanax when I had to bring my daughter by plane to college... just in case. Of course the anti-drug girl I am, brought them with me. Flipped out on the plane(internally) no one noticed except my abf cause I was crying on his shoulder.
Guess who wound up taking the pills..................
For the love of god, is there anything he WOULDN'T take? He just fell asleep.
I told him afterwards, Xanax dosen't do anything for you hon, unless you have anxiety. other wise you will just go to sleep ya dope!! Thanks for staying awake for me in MY state of panic on the plane.....again - the selfishness.
Love,
Cessy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Addiction and mental disorders are closely connected, and by the time they are addicted it doesn't matter much which came first...both need to be treated if they are to lead a healthy productive life.
I am no better nor worse than any addict. I have just lead a different life and made different choices that led me to peace and happiness. I can only pray for the same for the addict who still suffers. Finding a helpful program, support, therapy and good medical care can help them lead better lives too....if they choose to go that route.
Hugs
I am no better nor worse than any addict. I have just lead a different life and made different choices that led me to peace and happiness. I can only pray for the same for the addict who still suffers. Finding a helpful program, support, therapy and good medical care can help them lead better lives too....if they choose to go that route.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
There are anti-anxiety medicines out that dont have mind altering qualities. I get panic attacks and have taken them when they were at their worst and it did help. Would you be more more willing to take something if they werent addictive and didnt have the side effects of meds like xanax? My doc is against prescribing anything that is addictive so she wont even consider giving me xanax especially since she knows i live with an addict.
The debate of the diabetic being similar to the addict is always one that gets me fired up. I appreciate the way that others explained the difference on this thread because there is a difference. My AS is a diabetic and I support him fully on his medical issues as long as its not his behavior that is causing diabetic problems. If he refuses to follow his diabetic program or uses and has a diabetic emergency then he doesnt get a lot of sympathy from me because its a self-enduced problem. When he OD'd I took him to the ER becuase his blood sugars were dangerously low - once we got there we found that it was because of drugs and not that he was just having a diabetic episode. So that time he woke up in the hospital by himself and had to have nurses explain to him why he was there. I guarantee you if it would have just been a diabetic problem alone he would have woke up with Mom sitting by his bedside.
One other thing that i've found is that even with the diabetes my sympathy doesnt really help the situation because he has to be strong to take care of his medical condition - its better to have empathy for his situation because a parent can hurt a medically needy child by babying them too much. This is his life and the cards that he has been dealt and i help him more by being strong and not allowing his disease to be in control of our life. The way they taught us in the hospital is that you can either control the disease or let the disease control you. My son's doctors have become very hardened with him because they see someone who lets his disease control him and therefore they have no sympathy for his ailments.
The debate of the diabetic being similar to the addict is always one that gets me fired up. I appreciate the way that others explained the difference on this thread because there is a difference. My AS is a diabetic and I support him fully on his medical issues as long as its not his behavior that is causing diabetic problems. If he refuses to follow his diabetic program or uses and has a diabetic emergency then he doesnt get a lot of sympathy from me because its a self-enduced problem. When he OD'd I took him to the ER becuase his blood sugars were dangerously low - once we got there we found that it was because of drugs and not that he was just having a diabetic episode. So that time he woke up in the hospital by himself and had to have nurses explain to him why he was there. I guarantee you if it would have just been a diabetic problem alone he would have woke up with Mom sitting by his bedside.
One other thing that i've found is that even with the diabetes my sympathy doesnt really help the situation because he has to be strong to take care of his medical condition - its better to have empathy for his situation because a parent can hurt a medically needy child by babying them too much. This is his life and the cards that he has been dealt and i help him more by being strong and not allowing his disease to be in control of our life. The way they taught us in the hospital is that you can either control the disease or let the disease control you. My son's doctors have become very hardened with him because they see someone who lets his disease control him and therefore they have no sympathy for his ailments.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
I support him fully on his medical issues as long as its not his behavior that is causing diabetic problems. If he refuses to follow his diabetic program or uses and has a diabetic emergency then he doesnt get a lot of sympathy from me because its a self-enduced problem.
Winnie~~thats pretty much what I was trying to say too
people dont ask to de diabetic, addicts or have mental illnesses having any of these diseases or illnesses is beyond the persons control.............what is in their control and unfortunately ONLY their control is the management of the diseases
It sounds like your sons doctor was doing a great job in teaching you.............what was your sons responsibiliy and what was yours............
it doesnt make it easy to let go and watch him risk his life but as a loving mom its what you had to do to best "help" him
in this way addiction isnt much different...........
hugs to you
how are you and your family?
Winnie~~thats pretty much what I was trying to say too
people dont ask to de diabetic, addicts or have mental illnesses having any of these diseases or illnesses is beyond the persons control.............what is in their control and unfortunately ONLY their control is the management of the diseases
It sounds like your sons doctor was doing a great job in teaching you.............what was your sons responsibiliy and what was yours............
it doesnt make it easy to let go and watch him risk his life but as a loving mom its what you had to do to best "help" him
in this way addiction isnt much different...........
hugs to you
how are you and your family?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by anvilhead
WHY? i think that is really worth examining.....
Because when I think about my panic attacks- no matter how hard I tried, I STILL, have them when traveling....
No matter HOW BAD at times I DESPERATLY wanted to go somewhere.... and I may have declined because I didn't want to have one.....
That when I had a professor compare that to drug addicts inablility to JUST DO IT.... I felt bad. I felt like I haven't been understanding... I felt like it would be the paralel to someone saying "you just don't want to take your kids on vacation... otherwise you'd get on the plane and get over it..."
Aw, how those words hurt - when a cousin said that to me. Of cours I WANTED to take my kids on vacation.... my fear of the panic attacks from flying was just too overwhelming...
I suffered with so much guilt and shame because I wouldn't get on the plane... (or drive to fla.)
My therapist told me that shameing someone over having anxiety attacks is terrible... that it dosen't mean you are a good or bad mom because you can/can't travel far....
SO I wonder.... If he really CANT just stop... is it the same thing?
Also... Winnie.... I'm terrified of feeling "funny" that's whyI won't take anything.. at all. (prob. why I can't understand the for the life of me addiction... Ijust don't get why someone would WANT to be high... the feeling terrifies me) - I've gone so far to avoid a "high feeling" That I had natural childbirth 3xs, and a rootcanal, with NO NOVACAINE.....
SO, I don't know what else to do to get past it for me.
I have had periods of time in my life when they went away,,,, I can't figure out what changes... sometimes I think if I FORCE myself to get on a plane or take a long trip, over and over.... I'll be fine
Thanks for listening...
Love,
Cessy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by cessy68
Also... Winnie.... I'm terrified of feeling "funny" that's whyI won't take anything.. at all. (prob. why I can't understand the for the life of me addiction... Ijust don't get why someone would WANT to be high... the feeling terrifies me) - I've gone so far to avoid a "high feeling"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by cynical one
cessy,
You're doing your very best to excuse, rationalize, and justify your reasons for staying in a dysfunctional relationship. And, you can continue to try to lessen the severity of the situation by trying to compare apples and oranges, and making him different from other addicts by doing the comparing out thing. You're obviously getting something out of the relationship, it's filling some sort of need. And, your children will learn from this, and continue the cycle either being abused or being the abuser...this is their normal...this is what they are being taught...they can continue the cycle into your elderly years...and then that need in you will continue to be filled vicariously through them.
You're doing your very best to excuse, rationalize, and justify your reasons for staying in a dysfunctional relationship. And, you can continue to try to lessen the severity of the situation by trying to compare apples and oranges, and making him different from other addicts by doing the comparing out thing. You're obviously getting something out of the relationship, it's filling some sort of need. And, your children will learn from this, and continue the cycle either being abused or being the abuser...this is their normal...this is what they are being taught...they can continue the cycle into your elderly years...and then that need in you will continue to be filled vicariously through them.
I am not justifying or rationalizing ANYTHING.. I was simply asked a question and answered it honestly.
Imagine that.... someone giving an honest response-- what a novel idea.
I didn't realize that giving an honest response would incite someone to throw my kids in my face... oh well.... what do i expect here? nothing less i guess.
Perhaps people are bitter, that perhaps THEY did what I did and waited a long time to LEAVE their loved one.??
Just for the record, my kids are from my exhusband, they have a great relationship with him and are with him 50%of the time now because they are older, and my oldest is in college, with a double major of premed-spanish.... deans list, NO dysfunciton.
My abf is addicted to pain pills which causes me discontent from the lack of intamacy and laziness... however he still holds down HIS business, we have excellent credit, have a beautiful home. THe kids don't see arguments or dysfunction....
No one knows except me.... and that is another reason i tend to rationalize things.... because NOONE knows there is a prob, besides me.....(friends, family, kids.....)
We don't argue...
There are all levels of addiciton, and I don't want to deal with it on anylevel...
however there ARE reasons I stay, I'm honest enough to say that. I am honest with myself and know I want him to just be done with the pills and be the lively non- tired, withdrawln emotionaly guy I used to know.
Maybe he never will 'get it' or see the problem..... and maybe i will end it.....
when I am ready to .
I'm only here (on sr) to get support for that.
Don't throw my kids in my face, you have no idea what addiction looks like in my home, you don't know me or my family, I've never said ANYTHING to indicate that these were current issues in MY home...
Everyones level of need here is different.
Thanks,
cessy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
cessy
I agree that we shouldnt need to feel attacked.......by others statements
and often times things can be said in a less harsh way but none the less
when a post hurts or stings.............then theres usually a reason it does.
Like, it hits on our deepest fears or it hits on an area where we are in denial and dont really want to face these issues or possibility that these things could be true in some form in our life.
I'm not trying to give you a hard time merely suggesting that maybe you would be better served to look at your situation and ask yourself ~~~~ why someones comments caused you such upset.................why did it hurt you or strike a nerve?
Believe me I do understand and have been madder than H*ll many times here on SR when I didnt get the response I wanted much less those that stung ...........
I agree that we shouldnt need to feel attacked.......by others statements
and often times things can be said in a less harsh way but none the less
when a post hurts or stings.............then theres usually a reason it does.
Like, it hits on our deepest fears or it hits on an area where we are in denial and dont really want to face these issues or possibility that these things could be true in some form in our life.
I'm not trying to give you a hard time merely suggesting that maybe you would be better served to look at your situation and ask yourself ~~~~ why someones comments caused you such upset.................why did it hurt you or strike a nerve?
Believe me I do understand and have been madder than H*ll many times here on SR when I didnt get the response I wanted much less those that stung ...........
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Hi Cessy -- I can relate to your fear of flying -- it's awful! I don't have to fly very often. When I did recently, I took this free online course -- all in all it took about 4 hours to do (you can do bits at a time and come back to it), but it truly did help me with the anxiety Fear of Flying: FREE Online Fear of Flying Self Help Course. I don't know all the things you have tried, but give it a shot! I also took "rescue remedy" which is a holistic anxiety syrum -- health food stores. Ginger also helped (I get nausea). It didn't totally take all the anxiety away, but it did help.
As for addiction being compared to other diseases. One thing that kept me stuck for a long time in my dysfunctional relationship was the thinking that "if he had cancer, I wouldn't leave him". Someone here at SR said that "if he had cancer, chose not to treat it, and abused you in some way -- would you stay?" I had to really think about that -- made so much sense to me and helped me to "not feel sorry for him" in his disease. I gave him the choice to seek help or leave -- he chose to leave because he is in denial that he had a problem.
I too, had it all -- functioning A, wonderful guy 90% of the time, nice house, money in the bank (till he cleaned it out) and a very long term relationship (27 years) AND severe anxiety and panic attacks that are beginning to subside now that he is gone. I agree with the others, addiction causes unacceptable behaviours that conditions like panic attacks, anxiety do not cause. If you are attempting to get treatment for your conditions, you are working on it and trying to manage it. Can you say the same for the addict in your life? Because I know now, that without treatment, diseases (all of them) only get worse.
take care of you
Laurie
As for addiction being compared to other diseases. One thing that kept me stuck for a long time in my dysfunctional relationship was the thinking that "if he had cancer, I wouldn't leave him". Someone here at SR said that "if he had cancer, chose not to treat it, and abused you in some way -- would you stay?" I had to really think about that -- made so much sense to me and helped me to "not feel sorry for him" in his disease. I gave him the choice to seek help or leave -- he chose to leave because he is in denial that he had a problem.
I too, had it all -- functioning A, wonderful guy 90% of the time, nice house, money in the bank (till he cleaned it out) and a very long term relationship (27 years) AND severe anxiety and panic attacks that are beginning to subside now that he is gone. I agree with the others, addiction causes unacceptable behaviours that conditions like panic attacks, anxiety do not cause. If you are attempting to get treatment for your conditions, you are working on it and trying to manage it. Can you say the same for the addict in your life? Because I know now, that without treatment, diseases (all of them) only get worse.
take care of you
Laurie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Cessy I wanted to add a few things..............
You said your children dont know only you do............do you honestly believe that the kids dont see the effects of the pills and wonder what is going on?
You mentioned your college son/daughter and said this child excels so no dysfunction
I too have a daughter 20, in college excels in every way working on her double major with mass communications and spanish with minor in psychology but just because she is excelling doesnt mean that her stepfathers addiction doesnt hurt her...........or that she didnt "know" long before I had to come out and tell her the whole truth and stop covering for him.
and quite frankly if you walk into any Codependents meeting you will hear story after story about those kids who excelled in every way but became adults who felt they had to excel and felt responsible for other people.............NOT saying in any way that thats the case with your child but it Could be just as it could be with mine ( who also have great relationships with their father, my exhusband)
when I try to honestly LOOK at my situation with my husband I OFTEN find myself thinking of my daughter......................would I want this for her? snd the answer is h*ll NO!! It would kill me to watch her live this life.
You also mentioned......you have a beautiful home great credit and your husband has his OWN business....................
well Your Not alone with that either..............we had all those things too. BUT you notice I said HAD?
Addiction (pills alcohol crack WHATEVER the drug of choice)
IS PROGRESSIVE you may very well have those things Today but unless your ABF finds help for his disease he MAY not have any of these things for long...............
We, the wives girlfriends moms etc ~~~~we like to tell ourselves
OH mines NOT that bad, or noone knows or well this wont happen to me.............I'm guilty of that one. But its a lie we tell ourselves, it makes us feel better if only for awhile
What we need to begin telling ourselves ..............IS YET!!! these things havent happened YET, but at the same time face, honestly, that they can and may and begin to work on US to find out why we settle why we stay and why we look for excuses..........
I truely AM not bashing you...........read my other posts.............my life is far from great and my addict used yet again..........so I'm merely sharing from experience .......as are the others.
Best wishes for you and your family
You said your children dont know only you do............do you honestly believe that the kids dont see the effects of the pills and wonder what is going on?
You mentioned your college son/daughter and said this child excels so no dysfunction
I too have a daughter 20, in college excels in every way working on her double major with mass communications and spanish with minor in psychology but just because she is excelling doesnt mean that her stepfathers addiction doesnt hurt her...........or that she didnt "know" long before I had to come out and tell her the whole truth and stop covering for him.
and quite frankly if you walk into any Codependents meeting you will hear story after story about those kids who excelled in every way but became adults who felt they had to excel and felt responsible for other people.............NOT saying in any way that thats the case with your child but it Could be just as it could be with mine ( who also have great relationships with their father, my exhusband)
when I try to honestly LOOK at my situation with my husband I OFTEN find myself thinking of my daughter......................would I want this for her? snd the answer is h*ll NO!! It would kill me to watch her live this life.
You also mentioned......you have a beautiful home great credit and your husband has his OWN business....................
well Your Not alone with that either..............we had all those things too. BUT you notice I said HAD?
Addiction (pills alcohol crack WHATEVER the drug of choice)
IS PROGRESSIVE you may very well have those things Today but unless your ABF finds help for his disease he MAY not have any of these things for long...............
We, the wives girlfriends moms etc ~~~~we like to tell ourselves
OH mines NOT that bad, or noone knows or well this wont happen to me.............I'm guilty of that one. But its a lie we tell ourselves, it makes us feel better if only for awhile
What we need to begin telling ourselves ..............IS YET!!! these things havent happened YET, but at the same time face, honestly, that they can and may and begin to work on US to find out why we settle why we stay and why we look for excuses..........
I truely AM not bashing you...........read my other posts.............my life is far from great and my addict used yet again..........so I'm merely sharing from experience .......as are the others.
Best wishes for you and your family
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I am thinking the good in this relationship continues to outweigh the bad as perceived by the two people, in this relationship.
He works. He provides. He's not physically abusive. He's still fun. He's not in trouble with the law. He wants to be where he is, right now. He a functioning opiate addict.
Addiction is progressive and so it''s likely that he's becoming less functional, as time goes by. Addicts and those who care about them are prone to the
" it's not so bad" routine.
At the same time, some of what may be going on here, may have nothing to do with his addiction. People cannot and do not meet all their partner's needs. Oh my stars, if I had a $ for every time my husband nodded off over the past almost 30 years.....well I would have a lot of $$. ( My husband does not even accept novocaine, at the dentist).
I think sometimes, addiction is used to rationaize conflicts that are a very real part of the normal give and take, in all relationships.
I have no doubt that there will be an event of some sort that will give both of them the opportunity to look at the situation from a different perspective, than they currently do.
Emotions aside, being financially dependent upon someone else is a tough spot for a lot of people because life can and often does throw a curve ball, into the mix. I would be full steam ahead focused on what I could do to make sure I was going to be OK, come what may.
He works. He provides. He's not physically abusive. He's still fun. He's not in trouble with the law. He wants to be where he is, right now. He a functioning opiate addict.
Addiction is progressive and so it''s likely that he's becoming less functional, as time goes by. Addicts and those who care about them are prone to the
" it's not so bad" routine.
At the same time, some of what may be going on here, may have nothing to do with his addiction. People cannot and do not meet all their partner's needs. Oh my stars, if I had a $ for every time my husband nodded off over the past almost 30 years.....well I would have a lot of $$. ( My husband does not even accept novocaine, at the dentist).
I think sometimes, addiction is used to rationaize conflicts that are a very real part of the normal give and take, in all relationships.
I have no doubt that there will be an event of some sort that will give both of them the opportunity to look at the situation from a different perspective, than they currently do.
Emotions aside, being financially dependent upon someone else is a tough spot for a lot of people because life can and often does throw a curve ball, into the mix. I would be full steam ahead focused on what I could do to make sure I was going to be OK, come what may.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by cynical one
This sort of confuses me though.
Not a fair statement, I only speak for myself, this is sort of lumping everyone together.
Not bitter at all, in fact I’m grateful for that time in my life, even though it was a year I wasted and will never get back, it taught me many lessons about myself.
You’re right, and I apologize, I thought they were young boys who would be learning, I didn’t realize they were already of dating age and have hopefully learned what a nontoxic relationship looks like from their father. I also didn't realize that all of this was all in the past and not current issues. I thought I had read he was still using, laying like a lump on the sofa, and you do all the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, laundry and grocery shopping, but that must have been someone else because obviously you wouldn’t put up with nonsense like that. Again, my apologies.
Not a fair statement, I only speak for myself, this is sort of lumping everyone together.
Not bitter at all, in fact I’m grateful for that time in my life, even though it was a year I wasted and will never get back, it taught me many lessons about myself.
You’re right, and I apologize, I thought they were young boys who would be learning, I didn’t realize they were already of dating age and have hopefully learned what a nontoxic relationship looks like from their father. I also didn't realize that all of this was all in the past and not current issues. I thought I had read he was still using, laying like a lump on the sofa, and you do all the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, laundry and grocery shopping, but that must have been someone else because obviously you wouldn’t put up with nonsense like that. Again, my apologies.
Hmmmm, just wondering, because my girlfriends and I can complain for hours about this subject, and they don't have addiction causing it, they have normal red-blooded men who think when their done with work, somoene else is going to take care of the home.
I don't know... guess I better rush home, throw him out and drag the kids off to the psychiatrist because they saw so much disfunction by seeing a guy who gets home from work at 8:00 at night lay on the couch and watch tv.
Also, yea, I do the bill paying, because like a smart lady, the bills and MY home are in MY name. SO I make him give me 400 per wk towards the house and food, and I handle the money in MYOWN account.
MY ADDICT CANT take myhouse, or my money. It's all in my name , and WE are NOT married.
The only thing he can continue to take, is my heart.... if I allow him to.
But if you want to continue to re-read my old posts to make sure you got it straight, I'm sure you will see the consistancy in what my struggles are. and it is none of which you are speaking of.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by outtolunch
I am thinking the good in this relationship continues to outweigh the bad as perceived by the two people, in this relationship.
He works. He provides. He's not physically abusive. He's still fun. He's not in trouble with the law. He wants to be where he is, right now. He a functioning opiate addict.
Addiction is progressive and so it''s likely that he's becoming less functional, as time goes by. Addicts and those who care about them are prone to the
" it's not so bad" routine.
At the same time, some of what may be going on here, may have nothing to do with his addiction. People cannot and do not meet all their partner's needs. Oh my stars, if I had a $ for every time my husband nodded off over the past almost 30 years.....well I would have a lot of $$. ( My husband does not even accept novocaine, at the dentist).
I think sometimes, addiction is used to rationaize conflicts that are a very real part of the normal give and take, in all relationships.
I have no doubt that there will be an event of some sort that will give both of them the opportunity to look at the situation from a different perspective, than they currently do.
Emotions aside, being financially dependent upon someone else is a tough spot for a lot of people because life can and often does throw a curve ball, into the mix. I would be full steam ahead focused on what I could do to make sure I was going to be OK, come what may.
He works. He provides. He's not physically abusive. He's still fun. He's not in trouble with the law. He wants to be where he is, right now. He a functioning opiate addict.
Addiction is progressive and so it''s likely that he's becoming less functional, as time goes by. Addicts and those who care about them are prone to the
" it's not so bad" routine.
At the same time, some of what may be going on here, may have nothing to do with his addiction. People cannot and do not meet all their partner's needs. Oh my stars, if I had a $ for every time my husband nodded off over the past almost 30 years.....well I would have a lot of $$. ( My husband does not even accept novocaine, at the dentist).
I think sometimes, addiction is used to rationaize conflicts that are a very real part of the normal give and take, in all relationships.
I have no doubt that there will be an event of some sort that will give both of them the opportunity to look at the situation from a different perspective, than they currently do.
Emotions aside, being financially dependent upon someone else is a tough spot for a lot of people because life can and often does throw a curve ball, into the mix. I would be full steam ahead focused on what I could do to make sure I was going to be OK, come what may.
Outo,
thankyou for the understanding - and I don't disagree with you at all. I do agree this addiction will continue, (hope not) but nonetheless - agree that it will.
I also agree that I will probably get so sick and tired of waiting FOR HIM to get sick and tired, that I will make a change.
Until then, I am struggling and attemting to learn, and doing the best job I can do at the things that are important to me, (kids,school, work, friends, family)
It's a work in progress, and frankly, I feel that I've come along way in just the 5mths or so that I've been on sr.
thanks so much.
cessy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
whats changed anvil?
I'm still contending the same thing, he is not abusive, dosen't steal, isn't in jail etc, but YES HE STILL IS USEING AND THAT CREATES SELFISH BEHAVIOR
THAT YES I CANT STAND>>>>>>>>>>>>>> STILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't ONCE waiverd saying that everything is peachy keen. I'm simply saying that RIGHT NOW, there isn't outward signs to the kids, friends, family, coworkers that there is a problem.
Keep reading my posts, perhaps you could surprise me - by showing me where ONCE i've said any different.
The only friends who know are the ones I TELL!
Also, this just isn't plain ol acceptable to ME!! that's MY ISSUE.
I'm still contending the same thing, he is not abusive, dosen't steal, isn't in jail etc, but YES HE STILL IS USEING AND THAT CREATES SELFISH BEHAVIOR
THAT YES I CANT STAND>>>>>>>>>>>>>> STILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't ONCE waiverd saying that everything is peachy keen. I'm simply saying that RIGHT NOW, there isn't outward signs to the kids, friends, family, coworkers that there is a problem.
Keep reading my posts, perhaps you could surprise me - by showing me where ONCE i've said any different.
The only friends who know are the ones I TELL!
Also, this just isn't plain ol acceptable to ME!! that's MY ISSUE.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
