SHawk25

I just had the hardest talk of my life an hour ago. I came home from work and my ex-fiance's father was in the parking lot. He came in from out of town to console her and he wanted to talk to me.

He spent the day with her while she canceled all of the wedding arrangements. He said he NEVER saw her this upset. And how disappointed he is that I let them down. Her mom passed away 3 years ago and I told her mother I would take care of her. Well I failed terribly. All because I couldn't put the beer down and stay at home instead of out with friends. I failed everyone cause I was too weak.

Just a couple of hours ago I was starting to feel beter about myself taking the first step by coming here and admitting I have a drinking problem. And was actually getting excited thinking about my new upcoming sober life.

But now after looking at his face and hearing his shattered voice telling me how much I hurt his daughter. I feel worse than ever. I hate myself for doing this to her..

smacked

For a parent and for a fiance' that would in fact be devastating. I think you have time now, to figure this out for you. You will be a better version of you because of it. You can prevent anything like this from happening again. I hope when you think on this later, you'll realize how important it is for you to make some significant and positive changes so that you can be the man, and husband they know you can and would be.

SHawk25

Thank you so much, there is still a small chance we can work things out down the road.. She agreed not to officially move out til we decide what we're to do, if we can work things out. She is (hopefully temporarily) staying at a friends house. It's a small chance but I am clinging onto that for dear life..

lovinmenow

Now you know what you need to do. It seems to me that you have learned a big lesson and will take it to heart. You should be looking forward to a new sober life. Judging from your posts it sounds like you really mean to quit. You can tell the effect that alcohol has had on you and others and now you can start fresh. Good luck my friend. Stay on the board when you are feeling down and need some encouragement.

Mattcake

Hawk, this sounds very harsh.

Addiction can destroy our relationships. It can take a while for our loved ones to trust us again. Having said that, please don't be hard on yourself. You are currently in the process of taking responsibility for your life, and that includes admitting to errors and mistakes.

If you address your drinking problem, I am sure that you will eventually be able to come to terms with your past and make decisions that will allow you to make ammends with people you may have hurt. In the meantime, though, and as difficult as it may be, IMHO you should probably focus on your recovery. Doing so does NOT mean you're being selfish, by the way. It means that you are working on yourself, both for your own peace of mind and for the sake of those you love.

Please take care of yourself, keep posting

Fubarcdn

I don't know for sure but I suspect if you can quit drinking for a good period of time, and I am thinking months and not days and weeks she may forgive you and renew her commitment to marry you.
You will have to prove you can stay completely sober (100%) to regain her trust from what I have gathered from your posts.
It will be hard but you can do it.
We are here to help.
I am in a similar boat as you with my wife and I can tell you I plan on succeeding. I have gone two months since she gave me the ultimatum and she is just starting to trust me now.
We are here to help you as everyone is here to help me and me them.
As a group we can all succeed.

Wombat05

I can't tell you it'll all work out in the end, Shawk. Admitting that past behavior has really mucked up the present is humbling, terrifying, and really isn't a lot of fun.
I can tell you that it is liberating--at least in my experience. Telling myself that I had a problem was something that was the most necessary before I could rectify anything else I had screwed up.
I wish you the best, and best of luck on your recovery--you certainly deserve it for you.

TiredofTired

Hi Shawk..I meant to post earlier as I see that you are 4 days sober, I am almost 2 days sober again. I literally spent all of my "new birthday" reading the site, an online meeting, it is really amazing and I wish I would have found it earlier, however, I never committed to quit entirely.

I have a similar story about broken wedding plans not once but twice just last year and honestly your energies really need to be focused on you and the Steps. I can hear it or read it in your texts that you like I really are going to succeed. My broken plans started my spiral so fair warning, it really does have to be about you! Hang in there and don't drink!

Anna

Shawk,

I can tell you from my experience, that early recovery is not easy. It involves dealing with the messes that we've made during our drinking days. In fact, not being able to deal with stuff, kept me drinking so much longer. Just try to deal with things on a daily or even hourly basis. I had to face the fact that there were some things I couldn't fix, at least not right away, and that was hard.

marty888

Shawk,

Firstly good work on 4 days. Must have been tough to look your father in law to be in the eye today, but you have been man enough to admit your problems, for that you should be proud.
You know what you need to do and you have started to do it, thats very positive. You can prove to your fiancee and her father that you are sorting yourself out. I know you can do that.
Stay strong man, get back to the gym, stay sober and prove your love.

SHawk25

I can't say this enough, thank you all..

Hevyn

S, I wrote on your other thread & sent you a PM. You CAN do this - you have a great attitude. Many would've used this as a reason to drink even more.

mle-sober

I don't know SHawk. It's not an issue of being weak-willed or lacking integrity. Which is the perspective I think you might have.

If I were to merely frame my understanding of alcoholism by saying that I was a f*ck-up and I hurt people that I loved, I don't think I could stay sober. I can't stay sober because I think that it's the appropriate and responsible way to behave in life. I knew that when I was drinking. Beating myself up for drinking only led to more drinking.

For me, recovery meant finding my way through a tangled mass of feelings, seeking to understand myself and my past, and ultimately forgiving myself. Not excusing. Forgiving. I couldn't be the bad guy all the time and still be sober. I hope you know that your actions, while terribly hurtful, do not make you a bad person. They make you an alcoholic. I don't know a single alcoholic who hasn't hurt a lot of people.

I hope you base the changes in your life on more than just trying to take away the hurt that your fiance is feeling. I hope you also base them on making your life better.

I congratulate you on your first steps into recovery. You deserve a lot of credit.

SHawk25

Thank you, and yes I am doing this for me as well.. I want to become a good person again, a clean person..

And lately when I find myself laying just wishing she would come back.. I tell myself that I need to worry about fixing myself first. That seems to calm me down..

Surlyredhead

I am so sorry you are hurting.. I truly feel your pain...alcohol cost me my marriage and my Son. It sounds like you may have a second chance..be strong, you can do this.

Cathy

Wolfchild

It is painful to experience the consequences of our mistakes.

Many of us still hurt the ones we love, even while clean. i don't believe it's in our true nature to totally flub things intentionaly. We each have our own personal problems in addition to being blessed with a disease called addiction/alcoholism. It's very natural to feel remorse, regret, & shame when we've done something that hurt someone. It's what we do with those feelings that either strengthens our willingness to change and do better next time or to repeat the same pattern of behavior and expect different results.

i hope you can give yourself a break and learn from this incident.

Maybe it would be a good idea to attend an AA/NA meeting?

ToABetterMe

Im SOOOOOOOOOO sorry! I know what if feels like to feel like your family hates you for your drinking! I hope you can find the strength to turn things around for you & work things out.

parentrecovers

support to ya, and here's the serenity prayer