aggie2001

I started seeing him about a month ago. I'm starting to really care about this guy and I think he cares for me. He admitted to me the other night that he is an alcoholic and that he wants to get better. I told him that I wasn't foolish enough to think that he can do this for me or that I can fix him. I said are you ready? He said he thinks he is. I really do like this guy but finding this out, it has made me start doubting who he is. I mean I don't think I have ever been around him while he is sober. What if he isnt the person I think he is.

Should i just get out now?

There are so many things swirling through my head right now any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

SleepyCherie

I agree with Anvilhead- cut your losses to save yourself the heartache. There are a lot of guys out there who are healthy.

loverof1

I have been married for 17 years. My husband always drank, but I really felt that his drinking was a social thing. Over the years it has progressed (as it almost always does) to the point where I'm not sure our marriage can survive. I cannot begin to tell you the heartbreak you are facing if you choose to continue with this relationship. If I could have seen the future, I would have chosen a different path. Ultimately the decision is yours, but you see there are many here who continue to suffer or have finally somehow been able to break free of the disease. Someday I might even have the courage to walk away. 17 years of loving someone is alot to give up. If I only had 1 month...it would be a no-brainer. Stay friends...see if he is serious about recovery. What harm would that do? Don't be a fool and suffer as long as I have. It will only end in heartbreak.

ToughChoices

For most people, dating is about having fun and, ultimately, looking for a partner.

If you're in search of a partner, I'll tell you that, in my experience, an alcoholic is a poor choice.

Alcoholics can be lively, passionate, interesting, caring people, but addiction is a disease of selfishness and immaturity. If you want someone who's going to pull their own weight and fight for a good life with you, side-by-side, equal partners working together - I'm afraid that binding yourself to an alcoholic (even one newly in recovery) is going to be a lesson in pain and disappointment.

Addiction is a wild ride.
If you're looking for a gentle float through the Tunnel of Love (sounds pretty good to me!), I'd look elsewhere.

justanothrdrunk

HEY! I resemble that remark!

In all seriousness though, cut your losses.

My wife didn't know me as a sober person (sober periods here and there, but not as a sober person), until we had been married over 10 years. I was an addict/alcholic when we met (though niether of us knew it at the time).

It put a serious strain on our marriage. And thankfully we are still together. But I can't imagine how something could survive it when it has only been a month long.

edit to add: plus dumping that I might be an alcoholic on someone who I've only come to know recently, to me, reeks of manipulation in and of itself. I've done it before. I don't know the guy, but...

LaTeeDa

I was thinking the same thing. Throwing out the hook to see if you will bite.....

After nearly 20 years and two children with an alcoholic I can honestly say--you could do so much better!

L

appleblaster

I agree with the popular opinion here and say walk away if you've only invested a month with this person. Who he is right now is who he will continue to be. Even if he did begin a recovery program, he would be advised against new relationships. Active alcoholics and addicts simply are not capable of a lasting relationship. The selfish nature of the disease does not allow for the development of loving relationships. The alcoholic must continue to outsource for everything to compensate for the moral bankruptcy their actions have created. The few times we are tricked into believing that any actual giving is being done on their part will keep us hanging on. It will show us who the alcoholic is capable of being and that's a huge trap.

We end up loving someone who never existed. Its a lose-lose situation.

This man is telling you who he is. Believe him.

WomanFriend

I basically agreed with what everyone else has sad.

Do you want a healthy relationship? Unhealthy people (e.g., alcoholics) are incapable of being in healthy relationships.

You may have to figure some of this stuff out for yourself, though. Good luck!

rkymtncowboy

Hey finding someone that pulls their own weight has a lot of weight to it. Can you support him if he losses his job?, do you want to visit him in jail, or worst at trial because he drank and drove and killed someone? Are you ready to watch his disease progress, watch him die see your health insurance rates go through the roof?
Now all was true with my A except she is still a live, didn't kill anyone, doesn't have a job.
Sorry, their bottom is your bottom. If it was me now I would bail.
If you do get in and out of this relationship with your life you will have years of healing and a lot of lost years.
Sorry, only been divorce 3 months so a little negative.

tallulah

I hate to tell you what to do. You must decide this for yourself. But...

If I had a time machine and could visit myself in July 2006 just before I met the A (newly ex BF) then I would pick the other guy. I do love the A in my life, but I have to be honest and say that hindsight would have me skedaddling. And don't think that by getting into a programme and starting recovery means everything is going to be hunky-dory: the A in my life was not drinking when I met him (although he relapsed early on) and has been in recovery for a lot of our relationship... but he is an alcoholic and that comes with stuff whether they are drinking or not.

yeahgr8

Is he the love of your life, the guy of your dreams? If not move on if so then 3 month rehab then AA meetings, give it a year as friends with you keeping the boundries up through coming here and maybe al anon. if he doesnt agree to this move on, if this sounds like too much hassle move on...it's actually quite simple whether it has been a month, a year, a decade, kids involved etc.

prairiegirl

I'd have to say, if it's only been a month, gather up your courage and walk away now or keep your distance and observe. If he's serious about doing something, he will take the first steps without any help from you. The problem is that if he is tells you he's an alcoholic, trust what he says. If he's saying that he thinks he's ready to do something about it, realize that he's going to say that probably because he doesn't want to lose you. But that doesn't mean he reallly wants to do something about it. It's what you want to hear.

I agree with some of the others here in that if you hang in there, you could find yourself years later in alot of misery. Alcholism is a progressive disease. I thought I could change my AH but 16 years later, it just got worse and I realized I could not influence the outcome one little bit. We broke up 10 months ago and it was the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I don't wish that for you. There are plenty of healthy men out there that are worth investing your time in.

Take care of yourself.

RayRayRay

Definitely keep your distance.

It's great that he wants to sober up, but wanting it and doing it are two different things.

If he's serious about cleaning up his act, he'll understand that distance is needed. He'll need space to find out who he is when he's sober.

steve11694

maybe pass on this one?????

steve11694

Sounds like he is in "seeking ENABLER" MODE

chrisea

If you want someone who's going to pull their own weight and fight for a good life with you, side-by-side, equal partners working together

If you're looking for a gentle float through the Tunnel of Love (sounds pretty good to me!), I'd look elsewhere.

after being in these terrible rides, the gentle float by myself, sounds & Is terrific! & I get to fight for my own good life

"seeking ENABLER" MODE

He coming out early for the rally on His Side team effort... maybe you will see how much the poor baby is trying & stick around to Help him... RUN run run

support4me

I can understand where you are coming from. I have been in a relationship with a man for 5 years and he is an alcoholic. It is a very scary thing and He can pour on the sugar and made me feel really good at first but when that newness wore off it has been hell. I Love him and have invested so much in this relationship I have wanted to let it go but can't seem to do it. I can relate to you in a sense.

snowdreamerny

My boyfriend confessed to me on our second date that he was a recovering alcoholic. He had been sober 3 years. He was very committed to his recovery. He meet to AA meetings every day. He constantly read his AA books. He lived the AA program and, as a result, was the most kind, honest, and patient man I have ever met!! Because previous relationships with alcoholics were complete disasters, I had vowed to never date another alcoholic again. However, I thought a recovering alcoholic so committed to his recovery was safe. Ha! 5 months later, he relapsed. Not only did he relapse, but started to take a whole bunch of sleeping pills as well to either heighten the drunk effect or as a substitute for alcohol when he was unable to drink (as he knew if he drank that I'd smell it on him) just to "calm down." The lies - OMG - the lies!! Every day, all day long, this wonderfully honest man turn to the biggest liar I had ever met! He became selfish and hurt me in ways that I didn't think he would ever do. This went on for a month and a half and also included a 5-day stay at the psych ward of a hospital and another hospital stay when he nearly drank himself to death. I have been put through so much agony! I can't count how much times I cried.

Now he supposedly stopped everything and is in recovery again. It's a week so far. Who knows what will happen from here on out. If I had known then what I do now, I would have run far and fast away from this man on that second date!! I love him very much and am staying with him at a moment, but I am aware that 5 minutes from now I could smell alcohol on him and be forced to leave him or be thrusted in that hell again, which I do NOT want to endure anymore!

So, keep in mind that this could happen to you too. If if doesn't work out with this man, I most likely NEVER date a recovering alcoholic again, no matter how many years he has sober. I wish you luck!!

Kallista

Get out.

He is a manipulator who is trying to sucker you into taking care of him. You're going to be more sorry than you know if you stick around for him.

ICant

My AH has alcoholics on both branches of his family tree. Myself - one branch.
I found the more like a family we became, the worse our behaviour got. We were polite and respectful when we were dating. When we moved in together, arguments started but it seemed normal to me. We got married, things were worse. I got pregnant - physical violence started. A suggestion: if there is any sniff of alcoholism in your family go to Al-Anon because it has saved my sanity.