TakingCharge999

Just a quick reminder. Thanks.
Please remind me that with every day I CAN be a new person and take different decisions.

I have already hit another bottom- I am tired of hurting and being hurt.

I do not want to harm myself anymore or harm others. THIS IS IT!

Barbara52

{hugs} I don't know what's going on but if you are still letting him in and don't deal with it well, yup, no contact may be just what you need.

MsPINKAcres

I wanted to share a suggestion that was given to me to help me NOT answer the phone or text messages from my ex.

I was having such a difficult time not answering the calls - I kept thing I could talk to him - to reason with him and try to understand why he was doing some of the things he was doing - ha ha ha.

So a good friend of my shared what she did -
On her cell phone when the phone rang instead of showing her ex's name it showed his picture and the words "I stole money from you"

For me, I changed my ex's first name to the words "Spousal Support" - since he refuses to get a job and is suing me for spousal support and 1/2 of everything I've worked for while he spent the 16 plus yrs of our marriage drinking, using and gambling.

For the house telephone number - which is my old house number - the brand new house that I fought so hard after Hurricane Rita to get - the one that poured my heart and soul into working for, decorating, paying for, my dream home - It shows up on my cell phone as "House of Addiction"

This way I know what is calling me - "The disease" - not the person that once was healthy and sane - that person no longer exist in my ex for me.

Remember it's perfectly ok to take good care of YOU!!

HUGS,
Rita

ToughChoices

Dreamer,

Sounds like a rough day. I can hear your hurt.

Remember that each day is a new day, a new opportunity to makes choices that will benefit you. Maybe you made some choices yesterday that didn't work out so well.

OK.
You're learning.

Each time I stumble or waver a bit, I learn A TON about myself and my needs. That's helpful information, even if it comes with an emotional price-tag. The more I know about myself, the easier it is for me to make healthy decisions in the future.

So....be gentle with yourself.
You're not failing anything here - there's no rule book to follow, no line in a stone tablet that says, "NO CONTACT for codies!".

Each day we figure out what works and what doesn't. What fulfills our dreams and what drains us of peace. Each day is an adventure.


Much love to you,
TC

LaTeeDa

I agree with TC that there is no such thing as the "only option." No contact works for some, but others (like me) do okay with minimal necessary contact (because of parenting). It's about doing what works for you and maintaining your own boundaries. If something you are doing isn't working for you, you have the option to change it.

L

GiveLove

Sorry you're on a dip in the rollercoaster today, dreamer :ghug3

No contact was ultimately the only thing that worked for me. Anything else, and it was another "trip into dramaland" as WantsOut so aptly put it.

zxcirce

hugs.

for me, with my addicted/mentally ill sister, no contact was the only way because no matter how bad no contact hurt, it hurt less than letting her sickness keep bringing me down.

the pain you feel now will only magnify a million fold if you keep in contact with a sick person who's not ready to change. the good does not balance the bad.

i'm sorry you're going through this.

lovtolaff

Oh Dreamer

NO CONTACT PERIOD!! That is the ONLY way I can survive this mess...I'm too weak to even look at him when I pass him on the road. I can't have ANYTHING to do with him at all....nothing.

So I know what you are feeling.....DON'T GIVE IN to whatever is going on. Don't do it. It's NOT worth the hurt.

Peace and strength to you sista.

tallulah

I have just altered the A's name on my phone to 'Don't even go there!'

Just in case I get the urge.

TakingCharge999

THANKS !! You are all so great.

When I think about me, I had no kids with this guy, we did not marry, I am independent financially and could leave more or less unscathed... as unscathed as one can be after knowing an alcoholic..

I do not know how you get your strength to leave with so many other difficulties. I just do not know how you do it. You are very strong!!

Thanks for the great replies!

Yesterday I saw the ex with the new gf and it was just like Day 1. I am on antidepressants and it was nothing, I went home and cried and cried!!

Today I decided not to use the workplace's car park (I ALWAYS run into them there) and for now I choose to park my side outside, anywhere, on the other side of the street. I do not know why it didn't occur to me that I could park SOMEWHERE ELSE!!

On a lighter note, today I am going to a self improvement conference, and then to AA.
They help me a great deal and you do, too.

No contact.
At least, just for today, only positive people in my life.
Yesterday does not count. Tomorrow, is not even here yet.

Sometimes I feel I am playing an online game, and I walk and get to the workplace and think "enemy's allie, enemy, enemy, allie!!" and go to the allie. And that I am acquiring new tools to get into more advanced levels. Right now I feel I thought I had an allie that then turned into this heinous monster, which keeps stomping on me!!

One day at a time. It's all I can do. Otherwise I will go crazier, if that's even possible!!

Thanks

Pelican

Thanks for the tip Japic:

On her cell phone when the phone rang instead of showing her ex's name it showed his picture and the words "I stole money from you"

I just changed my STBx's name to "I stole ur money" on my cell phone. Not that he calls. But if he did, that will give me instant clarity of how far I have been manipulated.

Dreamer :ghug3

I hope tomorrow will be better for you. You deserve a positive day!

TakingCharge999

Great advice, the one abt the cellphone! Not that I even have his mobile or he even calls.

So far he has respected my request for no contact. I am not sure if he knows it is no contact FOR LIFE. I am very hurt knowing he does not give a damn. Sigh. Forever questioning how he feels about me now. Or does he even feel something at this point? What would it matter anyway? Control! When am I going to accept I never even had it? Sigh... the road to madness... guess I need to take my own advice and take yoga once again!! Can't wait to be settled in the new place to keep on with the yoga postures

I am going back to therapy not even know why I left...

Well.. I went to a conference, very interesting (I may post more about those ideas tomorrow as they are worth some discussion), talked to a male friend, who is well into self improvement and gives nice hugs, so I feel I am finally getting the truth about who is with me and who isn't. Sometimes I wonder how I survived so many years without these basic tools!

Couldn't join AA, it was too late...

Anyhow - tomorrow it will be a brand new day. A brand new chance of doing it better, be my best version, do better than what I have done before. Choose different thoughts - compassionate thoughts toward myself.

If only for a moment...

catlovermi

I would like to gently point out that these two statements contradict each other.

If you communicated to him that you want NO CONTACT, and he is HONORING your request, he is giving you some measure of respect.

You cannot ask for NO CONTACT, get it, then claim he doesn't give a damn. If he is giving you NO CONTACT, then for whatever reason on his end, he's honoring your boundary. You don't know his reasoning, but you can see his behaviors/actions, which are respecting the boundary.

Also, one might inspect one's true thinking behind putting the two quoted statements back to back, as you did. Do you perhaps harbor a subconscious wish that he would come begging back, thereby giving you a feeling of control or power? Or revenge, to assuage your hurt? Something in you asked for NO CONTACT, but wants more.

CLMI

prairiegirl

Hi Dreamer999,
Sorry to hear you're in pain and struggling with this. I rationalized with myself why talking to him every time he called was a good thing; how it would keep the door open, should he choose to get help, it would let him know how much I still cared and how loving I was still trying to be there for him after all these years. But, it never failed.....Initially I would feel good that there had been contact again, which I interpreted as "he still loves me," "he still wants me in his life." But that was more about me feeling unlovable and thinking if I cut him off completely, I'd be alone the rest of my life.

A few hours or days, after hearing from him, I would start to feel worse, until the last few calls I would just feel awful while I was talking to him. Nothing had changed; he was saying hurtful things, implying that there was something wrong with me and not him and this would play more into my feelings of low self-worth. My friends encouraged me not to pick up the phone but I wouldn't listen until finally I got the strength to just let it go to voicemail. I realized that I didn't have to subject myself to calls or emails that were hurtful. Even if he didn't say anything mean, it was still hurting me to hear his voice.

Now, after 2 months of not picking up those calls.... I feel so much better. He's finally stopped calling and I don't have that anxiety every time the phone rings wondering if it's him, what he's going to say this time to make me feel bad, what I'm going to say that will make him see the error of his ways. That baggage is gone and I feel so much better about myself. I know you can do this!

TakingCharge999

Thanks prairegirl, your reply helped me a lot. I owe you a PM! But I am waiting to feel better so I can uplift you, not bring you down LOL.

That is exactly what would happen with me, no sense in "craving" that, I guess it comes down to missing the guy he was / BEFORE. I needed the reminder that even if we were to actually TALK, its the guy that showed off his new gf infront of me, who verbally abused 3 or 4 times, broke my Finnish cup, never apologized sincerely or had any respect for me. Thanks. It helps!! If I had his number I would add a picture of my Finn cup "I BROKE IT WHILE DRUNK AND I DONT CARE!" that would be it!!

catlover, thanks for your insightful post. It hurts because we agreed on "having a fresh start" of course, way before he started a new relation. So we talked "normally" a few months and I was the idiot thinking we would be well, to realize later that he had been going out with someone for those couple of months. When he was asking me about attending parties, work cocktails, etc. he was not asking for ME, but so he wouldnt feel "guilty" *(as if he was capable of that feeling lol) with me being there.

In the last conversation he said exactly that, that he didnt give a damn about anything I did. I guess that hurtful words are still very present in my life. Not so much time before that I was The Woman He Loved, the love of his life etc. etc. etc. It is just madness, for us here in this world, isn't it? I read other threads and I think. It is madness. No way to sort out the lies from the truth. Being at peace with that is very difficult to me. I just feel like an idiot right now, for believing in him and wearing my pink glasses.

Thanks all for your great support!! Great reminders. I slowly come back to the right track.

I am moving out for good this weekend, so a lot of time to clean, polish, wash my clothes, and reflect on what's next...

((hugs))

prairiegirl

You don't have to feel that you have to be there to lift me up. We're all there for each other. Sometimes we feel strong; sometimes we don't. Don't worry about anything. It all balances out.

Just try and remember that the man you are missing is not the man he is right now. The fact tht he can come out with something so hurtful, is the very reason you don't want contact. That's not how you remember him and that's not what you need to hear right now or ever. And his words are just designed to hurt you because he's not feeling good about himself. Instead of working on himself, he's masking the problem with another girlfriend.

The no contact really does help, at least it did for me, though I didn't think that was what I wanted. Knowing he's miles away and that I'm not going to bump into him also helps alot. I don't know what I'd do if I knew I'd see hiim from time to time or worse.... see him with someone else. I don't think most of us can handle that very well. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. If you cut the contact, he doesn't have an opportunity to hurt you with his words or actions. It's much better that way, trust me. I never thought I'd get to a place where I'd be talking like this.

I'm there for you if you need to talk.

TakingCharge999

Hi friends, just wanted to thank you for this thread.

It is the same scene it has been for a few months now. It is almost a joke. F, his friend laughing and myself feeling the emotional rollercoaster writing in SR. LOL.



When I listen he is nearby I listen to Metallica. Its funny because its like QUACK QUACK going quack quack and then .... nothing, no more quacking, just the good old Metallica songs LOL... my friend of misery... sad but true...holier than thou... the god that failed .... its just as if they are describing our history together, LOL



Damn, I hate it to feel my job is OK, Im good with family, friends, activities and there is just one damn thing that keeps me enslaved... and I see the shell wandering with THAT smile, as cool as ever...



I guess it happens to everyone at some point, but although I know his life is his life and mine is mine, and my feeling are MY feelings... just to know all the disaster and sadness I still feel (would like to go have a good cry at home, but a friend is visiting town so the release will need to wait for later at night) and how he talks about the Radiohead concert, and how in love he is and how happy blah blah, ... it makes me feel SO ANGRY...

I started asking HP for help letting this go. Man do I need help from above.
Thanks for listening and letting me vent.

TakingCharge999

Again, I remember your wise advice on not comparing my insides to his outsides. I am making an effort to disregard his presence altogether.

Focus!:

/ Enjoy the music
/ Finish my work
/ Go to a friend's house to drop stuff I owe him
/ Call friend and grab coffee (he is nice and good looking )
/ Go home and prepare sporty clothes for my early walk at 630 AM tomorrow...
/ Cry, release, if I have time and energy left

OK. I can do all that. And enjoy the afternoon.
HP, please helps us all let go of what does not help us anymore. If you can do it soon it would be great, because its a miracle I have not got sick. My stomach has done heroic efforts already.

THANKS!

:ghug

GiveLove

If someone talked about getting to go to the Radiohead concert (when I couldn't) I would want to hit them with something heavy and sharp. But I (probably) wouldn't.

Dreamer, keep that Metallica coming!!!

TakingCharge999

LOL ((((((((((GiveLove)))))))))))
I am sorry Radiohead, I am deleting all your songs too. I hate it when cool stuff become triggers. Especially music! ARGH!!!!!!!

I am making a point on listening brand new music, or music that reminds me of other ppl and situations

Maybe after a few decades I can listen to everything again! and laugh about this all.